Aggravated Mayhem Pt. 2

While everyone's busy making snazzy gift guides, eating latkes, and buying Christmas trees I'm over here just trying to stay alive.  Grab a cup of coffee, tea or a cocktail and prepare for a ride.  I've got a tale and a half for you today.

Remember back in July when I got caught in the middle of an extreme case of aggravated mayhem at the nail salon? (after which I have only been back once just to note).  If you weren't following along then I highly suggest you click that link and prepare to pee your pants laughing - and let's just say that yesterday made that incident look like a picnic in the park.  From sun up 'til sundown it was one bizarre happening after the other, and I couldn't wait to go to bed and leave the day in the dust.

yeah right

 image via Florescents

At approximately the butt crack of dawn I heard a series of cat screeches and several intense hissing noises followed by the Chef racing down the hall, out the door and wrenching the fence to the side yard open.  After Sister Lil (my little cat seen here) got hit by a car last year on my birthday Chef built an enclosure so she and Monkey Boy could no longer run the streets.  (Cat gangs everywhere rejoiced now that the ring leaders were jailed and turfs were up for grabs).  Welp, seeing as my cats are hooligans they do not take kindly to the neighbors circling their space...yesterday morning one of those neighbor cats decided to walk on top of the wire roof and fell into the yard unable to escape the wrath of Lil.  Nothing like getting rattled out of your sleep thinking a rattle snake is hissing in your face.

 image via pretty eyed, pirate smile

Cut to next scene and I've dropped off my car for service.  On the way back I stop at Mailboxes Etc. and come face to face with the crazy-bird who, in April, rammed into the back of my brand new car (see here), that I saved several years for, while I was at a dead stop red light in a slew of traffic. He proceeded to play the handicapped old man card, but accidentally revealed he was a hoarder who had been leaning over to pick up a "relic" aka old barbie leg (no jokes) from the floor of his bashed up Chrysler Pacifica (accident prone much?) when he looked up to find himself rolling toward me and hit the gas instead of the break damn near sending me flying into In-N-Out Burger.

 more like a series of nightmares, thanks.

image via pretty eyed, pirate smile

Oh, it gets better.  Following the incident he then went on to avoid his insurance agency until the final hour, prank call me, accuse me of lying (uh how does that work seeing as I was facing forward at a dead stop when you crashed into me grandpa?!?), cause month long delays in my car being repaired, verbally accost the Chef at the car wash, accuse me of fraud, make me have to see 140000 doctors just to get back treatments paid for - all while I was suffering from walking pneumonia.  Suffice it to say I scurried out of the Mailbox place at high speed to avoid suffering a white out like Amber when she lays a beatdown on Gary on Teen Mom. 

mmmkay?  I think she's got it covered.

image via pretty eyed, pirate smile

Only to come home and realize I didn't have peppermint extract so would have to go back out again...then as I was returning, glanced in the rearview mirror and noticed the man behind me was naked in his car.  In November.  And it's not been exactly warm lately.  I really don't think the guy had pants on (although I did not get out at a stoplight to take a closer look).  Can you imagine this??  Try not to.

 Apparently yesterday must not have been his big day.

image via pretty eyed, pirate smile

Stepping on the gas I managed to get home and race inside the house (before a meteorite could hit) coming ear to sound wave with a major yelling blowout that the next door neighbors were having.  All the windows were closed and I could still hear it for almost an hour...over, from what I could gather, her controlling him by monitoring his use of the bathroom to take care of, how shall I say this politically correctly, Number Two?  It was the most insane thing I have ever heard!!  TMI with him detailing how he was just trying to take care of business while she stood outside the door and, apparently, demanded it be over??  I locked all the doors and contemplated crawling under the bed to hide.

Did someone forget to tell me it was 'Come and Get Your Free Crazy Pills Day?'

 This is what I SHOULD have been doing all day!!

lalalalalalalalalalala

pass the straight jacket

It was around this time I lost my marbles and decided maybe I would up the ante and attempt to make Peppermint Bark   Chocolate or liquor, chocolate or liquor... Of course Chef's cat decided that parchment paper was her new best friend and the counter was a wire she'd like to walk across...don't even get me started on how it ended.