Tuesday, January 31, 2012

Ben Flajnik: Is a Pig

I'm live and coming at you from the horizontal because the flu has struck. Somehow around 8:15 or so I woke up and turned on the tv to see what debauchery was taking place on The Bachelor. I should have just shut my eyes and went back to sleep.

Ben Flajnik and The Bachelor franchise reached, in my opinion, an all time low tonight when he sent a girl packing after a one on one date only to moments later get naked and jump in the ocean with that cuckoo bird Courtney.

Here's some of what went on this episode. I was too out of it to type play by play, and am so repulsed by Ben Flajnik that I can't even remember half of what I was going to say.

I started watching near the end of his one-on-one date with Nicki. She's the one who was married before and basically when it got tough bailed to look for "her second chance at true love". She is a total deer in the headlights and it was obvious to me, as she explained to Ben in a very loose yet revealing way how her first marriage fell apart, that Ben is not buying it. He even asks her point blank if they tried to work it out in couples counseling, to which she responds vaguely 'uh yeah but not for all that long but long enough so I'm ready for my second chance at having those butterflies'.

yep there she is in the brown hair gettin' her groove on casey anthony style. 

Honey please. Marriage is not about butterflies. Hell, long term relationships period are not about giddy high school feelings. She is so clueless and annoying I want to send her packing myself. What does he do? You guessed it: jumps on her face and gives her a rose. It's a mercy one. You see it every season. It's one he can easily snip later with zero regret. Sounds harsh, but is totally true. She'll never see it coming and bawl like a lunatic in the end.

Next it's a group date. They were all peeing their pants about who was getting the last one-on-one. The scheduled date not the rank a**, std-laden, unscheduled dip in the ocean thing. Anyway, Blakely is going nuts because she wants alone time. Last we saw her she was curled up in the fetal in the luggage room doing crazy and desperate with remarkable ease.
Not to be outdone by last time she loses her beans when Elyse gets the date. Elyse the 24 year old who has an orange glow from the tanning bed and can't stop saying like. Like, like, like.  *pass the meds*
poor thing

Anyway on the group date the women (plus Courtney the ho) get divided into two teams to play baseball. Only one team will get an evening beach date with Ben. Courtney and Blakely each pick teams like elementary school intramurals, only these broads mean business.
vs.
defeat is an ugly thing. 
if only they knew how many std's they saved themselves from.

I only remember Kacie B on Courtney's team. Blakely had Jennifer and Emily and someone else. Lyndzi the horse aficionado played both sides and automatically got the beach date. Whatev. Irrelevant. They battle to the finish, Courtney's team flies off in a helicopter after Jen strikes out and the others cry all the way home on the bus. At the group date Ben gives Kacie the rose, Courtney is worried about that so pulls him aside wearing some dress displaying zero undergarments and suggests skinny dipping like the true hooker she is. He's clearly interested but fights her off.  Not for long though.  Pardon me while I gag.

Next day he takes Elyse and her tan out on a yacht, they spend the day jumping off the side and she tells him at 24 she's done all she wanted to do and now just wants to get married. He's all, uh, what's everything? Yes personal trainer lady. Define everything. Definition: bachelor's degree, master's degree, moved to Florida. At this point I'm shaking my head. She keeps saying like like every other like word and is like spun on Ben. She can't stop blathering on about marriage, wants to be engaged, married, ready to like be married and is so like sick of being like single. Cut to dinner on the beach where he snips her at the table while waving the rose in her face leading her to believe she was getting it.
you're better off girlfriend.  

Uh Ben? Remember when Ashley left you down there on one knee? Uh yeah ya moron. Further, nice sending her off in the same dinghy you rode out on last year, ya classless tool.

Less than ten minutes later the baggage handler carts Elyse's purple bag away while equally classless (to Ben) Courtney cackles away in the corner calling her Jersey Shore. She is just a nasty wench. Two seconds later she puts her trash bag plan into action and rolls over to Ben's room in her underwear and a robe carrying a bottle of wine and two glasses. He comes strolling up in a pair of whack tux pants rolled to the knee and, of course, invites her in displaying zero manners and tact yet again. He just snipped someone 5 minutes ago AND supposedly is on his journey to find love amongst a bunch of women! No. He's a pig looking for a hooker. And he found her, too.
look at these slut dogs. 
gross

Because next thing you know he's on the beach with Trashney where they strip their clothes off and go running into the water groping and hanging all over each other. Try and tell me they didn't do the deed? Go ahead and try, but you're nuts if you think it didn't go down. He's a slime bag who has never gotten play from an ugly or pretty fake model in his life. He is completely useless and a juvenile. In the slightest off chance he did pick anyone else, that woman had better dump.him.NOW. I'm so pissed and disgusted with producers for even letting this crap go down without alerting that kook Blakely. At least let that bag of bones Courtney get her hair ripped out.  Damn. Give us something.

At the final cocktail party Ben is out of sorts and claims to feel like a swine because he and Trashney had an 'intimate moment'. Intimate? Try nauseating, ya butthole. Anyway he has a little conversation with Jennifer from last weeks cavern drop date. You remember her, right? The one he called 'the best kisser'. He also talks to spin job Emily who still can't stop whining about Courtney despite claiming she's sorry she brought her up. And in the ultimate act of assery (new word I've been using when describing Ben Flajnik) he gets defensive and tells her to 'watch herself' because she has no idea what goes on in his 'intimate moments' with other women. Ooooh scary words there bachelor man. Whoop-de-do to you and your empty threats.  True dat ya swine herder! And if she did know she may have kicked you in the nuts and exited like any self-respecting woman would have.

Despite all this, who does he snip in the end? JENNIFER.

The best kisser. The one he just finished kissing some more a few minutes earlier. The one who must have had a TON of wine because she cried so hard she could barely talk and looked mildly dazed in the back of the jeep.
I hope she's laughing her a** off tonight after watching his private water party with trashney.

Oh! And does he tell on himself for being a sicko with Trashney? Nope. That's their dirty little secret. They are DISGUSTING!!

Ben Flajnik is a pig. So is Courtney Trashney, but we already knew that.  She a ho!

He is not interested in a real relationship or finding 'the sacred one' -- I mean of course not he's on this stupid show, right? No, this toolkit is interested in one thing and one thing only: jumping on as many chicks as possible. Chicks he would never otherwise get access to. Him and his bad hair.

He deserves that wingnut Trashney.

I believe douchebag Jason Melnick may have to step off his throne as most despised bachelor in franchise history. We've got a new one on the way...hope he sees a doctor for an STD check.  I bet more than one of them is in dire need.  *shudder*

24 comments:

Katie said...

I don't think watching this train wreck of a show is going to help the flu. I could be wrong.

Debby said...

I didn't watch it but have it taped for when I need a good chuckle. I can't believe he sent "the best kisser" home. Love your line about saving themselves from STD's.... so true! xo

Closet Fashionista said...

Oh dear heavens...sounds like another lovely episode...haha XD
http://www.closet-fashionista.com/

Judy C said...

I have tried and tried to watch the show. I've recorded it and tried to fast forward it. But your take on it is so totally better than the show that I can't make myself watch it. By the way, I hope you feel wonderful soon.

Leah said...

I couldn't believe him last night! First of all, Courtney is so freakin' trashy and yet she has the nerve to call Elyse Jersey Shore? I couldn't believe how set up that whole skinny dipping thing was, and even the conversation with the girls later. Made me sick to see her enjoying it so much. I'm really starting to doubt she's a model anyway, but Ben is loving the fact that she is all over him. I kind of want to see him pick her and then get turned down. Mu-wa-ha-ha, I am now the one turning into the evil biotch.

Feel better soon!

LRA said...

You are SO funny, Carrie. Love it....I also agree, WHAT A PIG Ben is!! Yucko...and a dumb pig at that...falling for Trashney's little plans every time. Ew.

Hogger and Co. said...

Made ma laugh out loud again Carrie; hilarious recap and well said! I can't believe he sent Jennifer home; I'm rooting for her as the next Bachelorette. Trashney is the only one there who is perfect for him, all the other ladies are too good for him.

Micah said...

After last night's ep, I was soooo looking forward to your recap. You nailed it. Ugh. Ben seemed so likeable last season ... what is this?!?! Jennifer was my favorite, and I'm glad she's gone. Hopefully moved on to better things. If the spoilers about who he picks are true, then he deserves it.

Dancing Branflake said...

Will they all please top crying? Geez!

Hope you feel better. Lots of hugs your way!

jamie said...

I had this on in the background last night while I was doing other things...this was the first time I had seen/heard it and I could tell immediately that this guy is a Grade A Douche...of course this is why I can't stomach these shows! LOL!!
xoxo

http://www.glamlatte.com

Young at Heart said...

oh my....intoxicating stuff!!

Kai.Mercado. said...

I agree with every single thing you just said....disgusted...

Claire Kiefer said...

You've outdone yourself, Carrie. I read every word of this with a devilish grin on my face. I wish I could watch this show with you (and copious amounts of wine). I don't even know what to say about Elyse's ridiculous tan & jet black hair. I hate Courtney, but Elyse does kinda look like she belongs on the Shore. Nicki and Kacie B are both sweet/innocent/YOUNG. I like Blakely slightly more, only b/c these other skanks are showing their true colors (although Blakely pulling up her shirt during the baseball game was LAME).

Courtney is despicable, but I cannot wait till Ben discovers the truth and tells her to scram. That's gonna be awesome.

The Suburb Experiment said...

I. . . I'm not watching the show anymore. Just reading recaps. Even smug, douchey Jake was more fun to watch fall in love with entitled, crazy Vienna. Ben is AWFUL. I mean, he's an average looking guy with a share in a winery. So what's with the superiority and HUGE ego? Ugh. I wish all the remaining 'ettes would walk off en masse.

I hope you feel better soon. I was trying to find my old Color Me Badd Ken doll to cheer you up. Weirdly, I can find his awesome vest-y outfit but not him.

Jenn

Lena at A Crimson Kiss said...

All I can say is "Amen". And also, yes, they totally humped.

Bella @Bellgetsreal said...

I am loving this season - it is hilarious! I thought I liked Ben when I saw him last season but I know whatcha mean about pig! I really hope the skinny dip was PG rated otherwise it is just too hard to watch.

Cool Gal said...

This was the best re-cap E.V.E.R.

When he told Emily to "watch herself," I wanted to jump through the screen and strangle him - and his obviously small penis (How else do you explain the "cupping?")! What an arrogant ass (sign of things to come).

Trashney...perfect name. She is disgusting on so many different levels. Bring that home to Mom, BEN!

heather said...

hahahah i love your labels! :)

feel better! i'm sick too, again, and it's the PITS!

hugs from the north!

Josie said...

Put down the remote, Carrie, and pick up a glass of orange juice. It's just. Not. Worth it.
xo Josie
www.winksmilestyle.com

Erika @ ~TiptoeButterfly~ said...

i love how you write - i don't watch the show to REALLY get the jokes going on here - but u def had me in laughs!!!

FEEL BETTER GIRL!!

mrsroberts said...

agree agree agree agree!!!!!!! with every single thing you just said!

so. freaking. funny.

Taylor said...

your writing is so funny. i agree with you!!ps. come and enter my free scrapbooking software giveaway!

FRANKIE HEARTS FASHION said...

Another entertaining write up about a show I have no idea about! You need to start writing shit for TV...you are more entertaining!! x

love jenny xoxo said...

LOL love this post! Ben is an overgrown frat boy/d-bag who is soo not looking for true love... I mean it is the bachelor after all.

maybe next season, they can get the situation to be the next bachelor.. pretty much what this show is turning into.

Can't wait to read more next week!

XOXO

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