The Bachelor Recap: Hang on Ben Flajnik. It's on!

I got sucked into the Bachelor vortex thanks to Ben Flajnik.  I can't help it.  That Ashley bachelorette did a number on him and I want him to find happiness.  Why he's trying to find it on this idiot tv show is beyond me, but I'm willing to take a look at the pickings for a couple episodes anyway. Recap below was done as I watched...all I can say is all the usual suspects are there + some new nut jobs.  Brace yourself. And Ben you brace yourself too, buddy.  There's a few biznatches in your midst.

1. Lindzi might be 27 *cough no way in hell cough*, is in sales but her true passion is horses, and faked a getting dumped text at the scripting of the Bachelor producers. Nice try. NEXT

2. Some chick in a field who says she's 28 but they print 29 on the screen. She's firing off a gun and talking about eating cow balls. Uh, are they trying to find a match for Ben Flajnik? Am I on the wrong channel?

I think that's her just to his left in the crazy yellow dress?

3. Next we have a gushing 24 yr old Kacie who is looking crazy as ever talking about how she can't wait to love Ben like her granny loved her grandpa. She's ready for this me to be a we. Oh hell no. I'm not going to make it through this episode. Neither is Ben.

4. Courtney from Santa Monica is straight up going to bring the crazy--pass the pills. She's a modeling biznatch on wheels and I envision her with a fistful of some other broad's hair in 3, 2, 1...

5. Jamie. She's almost normal, but grew up with serious deadbeat parent issues and raised her siblings on her own. I sense reasonable airtime prior to the finale where she either gets declined or loses her mind and can't commit leaving him 0 for 2. This could get ugly.

6. Another Lyndsie? Whhyyyyeee?? Dad's a diplomat so she's lived "like everywhere", but somehow ends up in Scottsdale? *gag* Her living space is a menagerie of the worst of the worst tchotchkes from around the globe, why is there a huge ad on the side of her car, and what is that God awful tune she's wailing?!

7. Oh Lordy the next is a jittery relationship blogger. Talk about the blind leading the blind. Look out Ben: crazy town's got a new resident. Meet Jenna!

Looks kind of normal, but out of her gourd.

8. Now we have a financial advisor, single mom from Phoenix. Shawn wants a dad for her kid. I'm terrified of her black chandelier and electric blue walls. Eep! What will Ben's mother say?? That is not Northern California-rrific.

9. Nikki's divorced. She got married at 18, is now 26 and ready to give it another go because you know this time she's sure it won't fizzle out after a few years like last time. Oof. Where's the relationship blogger? We need some advice on #9. She's already planning Christmas in Sonoma.

Here we cut to Ben. He's sitting with Chris and he's looking good. The guy is articulate and intelligent and, for the life of me, I can't think of even one chick they've shown thus far who can even come close to interesting him. Especially the shooter. Good grief. At this point the limos start arriving. I'm in the dark. They've only intro'd 9 girls. Are the real I ones in the car and the rest was a gag? Please say it's true...Nope. Like oh mah gah they're squealing from the limo!

10. Rachel, fashion sales rep.

11. Erika, law student *snooze* Line of the night: "you're guilty of being sexay!" ugh

12. Amber the baconator from Canada. I.just.can't.

13. Elyse the personal trainer with the whack walk and zero arm definition. Trainer, huh?

Jenna the blogger gets out next and she's awkward AND crazy (but has killer shoes). She makes Ben (and the other 5 people watching) super uncomfortable and it's only a matter of time before the wheels fly right off her bus. I called this! Cuc-koo!!

Another car, another crazy: Courtney the model. She's only in this for tv exposure. Ben thinks she's pretty. Yawwwwn. This chick is trouble.  She's going to be on Bachelor Pad cutting a b*tch.

14. Emily. Finishing PhD in epidemiology. She hoses him down with hand sanitizer and gets the first kiss. Might as well get at it before the germs start flying inside. Blech.

15. Good God in heaven. Samantha aka Miss Pacific Palisades emerges complete with sash. NEXT

what on earth?

16. Casey the Trading Clerk looks kinda good and rather normal. At this stage.

17. Another Amber. Complete with horrendous yellow dress. Oh and 1994 called. Donna Martin wants her bangs back. I think this is the shooting ball eater!

18. Whoa with the hat Holly from Kentucky.

okay?  lose the lid.

Jamie with the family issues catches his eye. He is 'loving the brunettes'. As I was saying finale potential.

19. Shira, not to be mistaken with Shee-rah, needs a sandwich, is an 'actress' and knows everything about wine. You can see the look of sheer(no pun intended) annoyance cross his face.

20. Blakeley the VIP Cocktail Waitress. Stunner.

21. Old lady on crutches. Cheryl. Wants him to meet her granddaughter Brittney. I'm sure the others were pleased with that accessory. I smell a cat fight. Yep. Biotches strike in two seconds. The Canadian is a real hag.

22. Dianna. Giddy. Can't remember what she was going to say. *cringe*

23. Jennifer. Rain Man's sister.

24. Anna. Walks by and barely says hi. Whoopee

25. Monica misses her dog. Uh, really?

26. Jaclyn. She's wearing Loubs.

*Horsey lover rides in at the end and all the cats in a bag get pissy. Not sure Ben's gonna make it out of there without getting his eyes scratched out. And why do I have 26 when there are 25 girls. Whatever. I can't remember the shooting cow ball eater's name so she's in here twice.  Amber?*

Summary: they all get drunk and fight amongst themselves while slurring to the camera. Girls say kayoot, cute, cu-ute, etc. Of course someone left her job for this experience. The divorcee blabs about old relationship baggage (death) while the echo resounds 'so glad it's you, Ben'. The granny thing got a little old. The hags talked crap about her, horsey and everyone else. Ben does push-ups from the fake trainer, the cocktail one shows her cheesy tattoo while he looks around the room ignoring her, the PhD does a really bad disease rap, the single mom in the electric green dress kicks a soccer ball around and the model claims to be sooooo busy flying around the world for wer-rk (meaning she has none) while the slurring relationship blogger wigs out. She's nuts. Is this over yet? oh wait: Monica hits on Blakeley the cocktail girl. I'm done as there's a near fist fight between the sloshed and bawling relationship blogger and maybe bi-sexual Monica.

Question of the night: how in the hell is that relationship blogger blogging on relationships? Or sanity? She is completely unhinged, raging in the bathroom all alone, while roses are about to be handed out. Pills please!

First impression rose: Horsey from Seattle who doesn't know if she's 26 or 27.

Snips: Shee-rah, the rapper, the diplomat's daughter, blazing yellow dress with 1990's hair (ball eating shooter!), the one who walked by without greeting him, the baconator, and the one who couldn't remember what she was going to say upon meeting him.

Holy frig - he kept the crazy relationship blogger, the potential lesbian, tattoo cheese, and the pageant queen. All I have to say, yet again, is this is scripted. There's no way any intelligent guy would keep some those disasters. No way no how.  The relationship blogger? The relationship blogger??