Monday, January 2, 2012

The Bachelor Recap: Hang on Ben Flajnik. It's on!

I got sucked into the Bachelor vortex thanks to Ben Flajnik.  I can't help it.  That Ashley bachelorette did a number on him and I want him to find happiness.  Why he's trying to find it on this idiot tv show is beyond me, but I'm willing to take a look at the pickings for a couple episodes anyway. Recap below was done as I watched...all I can say is all the usual suspects are there + some new nut jobs.  Brace yourself. And Ben you brace yourself too, buddy.  There's a few biznatches in your midst.

1. Lindzi might be 27 *cough no way in hell cough*, is in sales but her true passion is horses, and faked a getting dumped text at the scripting of the Bachelor producers. Nice try. NEXT

2. Some chick in a field who says she's 28 but they print 29 on the screen. She's firing off a gun and talking about eating cow balls. Uh, are they trying to find a match for Ben Flajnik? Am I on the wrong channel?

I think that's her just to his left in the crazy yellow dress?

3. Next we have a gushing 24 yr old Kacie who is looking crazy as ever talking about how she can't wait to love Ben like her granny loved her grandpa. She's ready for this me to be a we. Oh hell no. I'm not going to make it through this episode. Neither is Ben.

4. Courtney from Santa Monica is straight up going to bring the crazy--pass the pills. She's a modeling biznatch on wheels and I envision her with a fistful of some other broad's hair in 3, 2, 1...

5. Jamie. She's almost normal, but grew up with serious deadbeat parent issues and raised her siblings on her own. I sense reasonable airtime prior to the finale where she either gets declined or loses her mind and can't commit leaving him 0 for 2. This could get ugly.

6. Another Lyndsie? Whhyyyyeee?? Dad's a diplomat so she's lived "like everywhere", but somehow ends up in Scottsdale? *gag* Her living space is a menagerie of the worst of the worst tchotchkes from around the globe, why is there a huge ad on the side of her car, and what is that God awful tune she's wailing?!

7. Oh Lordy the next is a jittery relationship blogger. Talk about the blind leading the blind. Look out Ben: crazy town's got a new resident. Meet Jenna!
Looks kind of normal, but out of her gourd.

8. Now we have a financial advisor, single mom from Phoenix. Shawn wants a dad for her kid. I'm terrified of her black chandelier and electric blue walls. Eep! What will Ben's mother say?? That is not Northern California-rrific.

9. Nikki's divorced. She got married at 18, is now 26 and ready to give it another go because you know this time she's sure it won't fizzle out after a few years like last time. Oof. Where's the relationship blogger? We need some advice on #9. She's already planning Christmas in Sonoma.

Here we cut to Ben. He's sitting with Chris and he's looking good. The guy is articulate and intelligent and, for the life of me, I can't think of even one chick they've shown thus far who can even come close to interesting him. Especially the shooter. Good grief. At this point the limos start arriving. I'm in the dark. They've only intro'd 9 girls. Are the real I ones in the car and the rest was a gag? Please say it's true...Nope. Like oh mah gah they're squealing from the limo!

10. Rachel, fashion sales rep.

11. Erika, law student *snooze* Line of the night: "you're guilty of being sexay!" ugh

12. Amber the baconator from Canada. I.just.can't.

13. Elyse the personal trainer with the whack walk and zero arm definition. Trainer, huh?

Jenna the blogger gets out next and she's awkward AND crazy (but has killer shoes). She makes Ben (and the other 5 people watching) super uncomfortable and it's only a matter of time before the wheels fly right off her bus. I called this! Cuc-koo!!

Another car, another crazy: Courtney the model. She's only in this for tv exposure. Ben thinks she's pretty. Yawwwwn. This chick is trouble.  She's going to be on Bachelor Pad cutting a b*tch.

14. Emily. Finishing PhD in epidemiology. She hoses him down with hand sanitizer and gets the first kiss. Might as well get at it before the germs start flying inside. Blech.

15. Good God in heaven. Samantha aka Miss Pacific Palisades emerges complete with sash. NEXT
what on earth?

16. Casey the Trading Clerk looks kinda good and rather normal. At this stage.

17. Another Amber. Complete with horrendous yellow dress. Oh and 1994 called. Donna Martin wants her bangs back. I think this is the shooting ball eater!

18. Whoa with the hat Holly from Kentucky.
okay?  lose the lid.

Jamie with the family issues catches his eye. He is 'loving the brunettes'. As I was saying finale potential.

19. Shira, not to be mistaken with Shee-rah, needs a sandwich, is an 'actress' and knows everything about wine. You can see the look of sheer(no pun intended) annoyance cross his face.

20. Blakeley the VIP Cocktail Waitress. Stunner.

21. Old lady on crutches. Cheryl. Wants him to meet her granddaughter Brittney. I'm sure the others were pleased with that accessory. I smell a cat fight. Yep. Biotches strike in two seconds. The Canadian is a real hag.

22. Dianna. Giddy. Can't remember what she was going to say. *cringe*

23. Jennifer. Rain Man's sister.

24. Anna. Walks by and barely says hi. Whoopee

25. Monica misses her dog. Uh, really?

26. Jaclyn. She's wearing Loubs.

*Horsey lover rides in at the end and all the cats in a bag get pissy. Not sure Ben's gonna make it out of there without getting his eyes scratched out. And why do I have 26 when there are 25 girls. Whatever. I can't remember the shooting cow ball eater's name so she's in here twice.  Amber?*

Summary: they all get drunk and fight amongst themselves while slurring to the camera. Girls say kayoot, cute, cu-ute, etc. Of course someone left her job for this experience. The divorcee blabs about old relationship baggage (death) while the echo resounds 'so glad it's you, Ben'. The granny thing got a little old. The hags talked crap about her, horsey and everyone else. Ben does push-ups from the fake trainer, the cocktail one shows her cheesy tattoo while he looks around the room ignoring her, the PhD does a really bad disease rap, the single mom in the electric green dress kicks a soccer ball around and the model claims to be sooooo busy flying around the world for wer-rk (meaning she has none) while the slurring relationship blogger wigs out. She's nuts. Is this over yet? oh wait: Monica hits on Blakeley the cocktail girl. I'm done as there's a near fist fight between the sloshed and bawling relationship blogger and maybe bi-sexual Monica.

Question of the night: how in the hell is that relationship blogger blogging on relationships? Or sanity? She is completely unhinged, raging in the bathroom all alone, while roses are about to be handed out. Pills please!

First impression rose: Horsey from Seattle who doesn't know if she's 26 or 27.

Snips: Shee-rah, the rapper, the diplomat's daughter, blazing yellow dress with 1990's hair (ball eating shooter!), the one who walked by without greeting him, the baconator, and the one who couldn't remember what she was going to say upon meeting him.

Holy frig - he kept the crazy relationship blogger, the potential lesbian, tattoo cheese, and the pageant queen. All I have to say, yet again, is this is scripted. There's no way any intelligent guy would keep some those disasters. No way no how.  The relationship blogger? The relationship blogger??


Dancing Branflake said...

So my twitter feed has been bombarded with live Bachelor updates and the whole time all I could say was, "I wonder what Carrie thinks about all this." I really did. Because you always crack me up and I cannot think of the Bachelor without thinking of you. True story.

Tori said...

haha! I LOVE your commentary. and I agree with almost all of it!
That drama was unbelievable...especially "I'm not an agressive person" to "I will fuck a bitch up." wonderful.

Cant wait to see how it turns out...I'm sucked in too!


Anonymous said...

We saw the Bachelorette commercial the other day with nothing but the girl crying and Jared goes "That kind of makes me want to watch that show." I fear he might have flipped over to it had a bowl game not been on TV tonight.

The Suburb Experiment said...

HOLY CRAP. I had no idea this started tonight. I need to make sure this is on my DVR, stat. Especially if you're going to be doing recaps.

The Suburb Experiment

Fashion, Art and other fancies said...

LOL - You are always good for laugh. LOL.

Anonymous said...

woohoo the madness is back. and this season will make it to norway in about 5 years then i can chat with you about our thoughts :)

Mr.Clive said...

i watched this kind of reality show the concept at first,but it gets too much have stopped. but this is a very detailed-commentary provided by you!kudos! :D

RosaLovesDC said...

Every time I would catch the promotional of tv about the new Bachelor I was thinking of you. I know I can always get a good (and hilarious) review from you.

Anonymous said...

Oh, I 1/2 watched it while doing some blog templates. The crazies are out. I always chuckle at your recaps. Hope you'll continue to watch so I can have a laugh over here the following morning. xo

Courtney Erin said...

I am so glad that your Bachelor recap posts are back in my life. For reals.

xoxo ~ Courtney

Closet Fashionista said...

Haha hate the show but oh how I have missed your recaps! They are so amusing! XD

Chic 'n Cheap Living said...

Wow - I guess fame grabbing, wacky people are never in short supply. Ooh i hope the blogger leaves soon!

Chic 'n Cheap Living

Jaclyn said...

so glad i was home to watch the first episode, loved trashy tv!

Anonymous said...

LMAO! The Bachelor is starting in the german tv just... oh wait.. THIS WEEK! After your post I cant help myself but give it a try. lol.

I expect to feel better after watching it. Wonder what is he gonna look like...


Daisy said...

I didn't watch last night (totally forgot it was on). But I am delighted to know you will be recapping here on the blog. <3

Cara said...

I think everyone is America that watched this show (me included) is watching to feel better about their personal relationships and to poke fun at all the contestants (wait is that what you call them?) It really is a sick joke, and totally addicting! However, who needs to watch the show, when your re-caps are SOOO much more entertaining! LOVE THEM!

Kai.Mercado. said...

OKay but for real...poor Ben got maybe like 5 attractive women..TOPS...and don't even get me started on the bro hoe mommy with the black streaks underneath her blonde hair...these girls are tore up!

tara said...

I think we have reached a new level of crazy this season! Looking forward to your recaps throughout the season! :)

Leah said...

ahha can't wait to start reading more Bachelor posts again. Hilarious, and I didn't even watch the show. This is equally as entertaining.

xo L.

la petite coquine said...

How did I not know this was happening? How could I live without your commentary?! I'm watching this tonight and reading along to get the full bird experience.

PS-sounds weird, but I missed you/being here. It's like hanging out in your virtual home, complete with fabulous rugs and one of those hanging pods.

Jessica said...

You almost make me want to watch the show. Almost. But I love reading your recaps without spoilers from the show.

Claire Kiefer said...

I'm dying for someone to produce a link to her blog.

Josie said...

Where do they FIND these people? And a relationship blogger? Really?
xo Josie

Tracy D said...

Not watching but still can't get enough of you writing about it. 'Jittery relationship blogger' was my favourite description so far :)

Alleen said...

I don't watch but I thoroughly enjoyed your commentary, hilarious! Happy New Year! xo

Marie a la Mode said...

LOVE your commentary! I was thinking the exact same thing about that personal trainer: she has no arm definition and doesn't look fit at all! It's like saying you're a dentist but you have two missing front teeth. ?

Hogger and Co. said...

Your recap was the funniest thing I read all day.
The Baconator hahaha....I'm from Canada, so I was a tad embarrassed. that #jennatheblogger is all over the Twitter worlds.
Happy to have found your blog!

Ashleigh said...

Damnit Carrie! I was refusing to watch this season but then you go & get me all curious! I've got to get a load of this relationship blogger...

meghan said...

I just watched it. OMG these girls are the worst. Seriously. They're getting to the bottom of the applicant pool on this season. I doubt he ends up with anyone. Early prediction here.

Kim's Vanity said...

LOL this a STELLAR re cap! I can't wait for every Monday night now=) I was laughing out loud at this post.

Kristin said...

Is Jenna for REAL? Crazy town!

Angele Style said...

Ben is Mr.Plain Boring and so not good looking. The girl freak show I know is supposed to make up for his lack of personality and I guess they tried by the recap here. Ben needs to hook up with the Millionaire Matchmaker so she can tell him what it takes to be a man worth dating!! I do applaud your recap though. FUN FUN!!

Marcie said...

Talk about the blind leading the blind . . . Hilarious!


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