The Bachelor Recap: Hide the Razors or Your Eyebrows Might Get Shaved Off

Last week I swore to myself that these Bachelor recaps were over. The humiliating behavior of the women coupled with Ben's inability to keep his tongue in his mouth was about enough for me. And then there's that whole needing my brains for work thing...

But then the person who typed 'Ben Flajnik idiot' into a search engine and ended up on my blog left a comment stating he and his wife got a chuckle out of recap 1 and, well, I'VE CAVED yet again. But I'm doing the briefest of brief recaps (for me anyway) so as to preserve my thinking skills -- and hopefully yours, too. So here we go off to Utah.  Buckle up.

Kacie B. wanted the first date, but Rachel got it so Kacie cried and cried and cried some more wishing it was all over so she and Ben could just get to the grocery store and be normal. Well now, I do believe we may have a JP on our hands. Only I fear this one isn't going to end so well because spoilers SWEAR he's picked that lunatic Courtney.

She's going to lose it when he snips her.

And may I just ask the obvious? Why do these women get SO WOUND UP over a guy who's kissing everyone and loving every minute of being a swine? Why?? Have they not watched previous seasons? *pass the pills*

As the first date kicks off they're all jealous as Ben and Rachel take to the skies in a helicopter. She's feeling pressure with the rose on the line but is just going to go with it; he likes these more low-key dates where they can just talk and get to know one another. Cut to scene where they land in a big field, get into a rowboat, paddle to the middle of the lake and he immediately jumps on her face.

Getting to know each other, huh Ben? Blech. It's gonna be a long night.

Summary: she's freaked out at the whole first date thing, there's no flow in conversation, and it's downright awkward. They notice a beaver dam and talk crow's feet. *cue crickets* Cut to night and it's dinner in the enchanted forest. He doesn't want to give up. On what we're not sure. Stilted conversation continues and I'm thinking it's snip time when he offers her the rose. Of course he does: he says he likes kissing her as the camera shows them feeding each other s'mores off pointy sticks while I contemplate pouring out a shot of vodka to add some excitement to my evening.

Meanwhile back at the house the group date is announced while hearts shatter around the room: Jamie, Kacie S., Blakeley (plz say she's going to keep the twins covered this time because I'm all out of retinal bleach), Lyndzi, Samantha, Nicki, Kacie B (who immediately guzzles her wine at the thought of yet another group date) and Courtney who promptly goes into hag mode. All the girls, espesh Emily think Court's gonna suck it on the group date with her witchy attitude so Ben will finally see who she really is.

Ever heard the expression 'cats in a bag'? 

That's what these women are.

*hiss scratch hiss*

no offense to beloved cats everywhere.

News flash: Ben doesn't care if Courtney's a crazy b*tch. She's a skinny wannabe model and that's as close as he's ever gonna get to one so she's in first place y'all!! Wakey wakey, ladies. It's time for what we here at the Bird call a reality check and I'm giving this one out for free: guys like Ben don't care if a woman is nice or not.

Summary: Ben rides up on a horse he can barely control. Lyndzi? You there? They all get on horses and talk about amazing, Ben's hair, Ben on a horse.

Next thing you know it's fly fishing time at the crick where Courtney flings line around looking to hook someone's eyeball. She knows Kacie B is her only competition so drags Ben off for fish time. He is so dumb he falls for it. It's actually tragic how clueless he is. When Courtney catches the first fish they all go ballistic. Uh-oh. Once liquor gets flowing this is gonna get ugly. As night falls Courtney is referring to it as 'her date with Ben' *cuckoo cuckoo*. They all start fighting over him and Samantha confesses to the camera she feels like she should have Ben's ring on her finger. During their alone time she proceeds to bitch him out for not giving her a one-on-one date, like what is he thinking *valley girl voice* and what's the point of group dates anyway??

Ben takes this as his cue and snips her on.the.spot.(not nicely either). 

Ten seconds later he recovers and hauls Kacie B off for a makeout session leading her to believe she's going straight to the finish line (uh-oh). Courtney takes matters into her own hands and predictably gets into her bathing suit (yawn). She plays the dumb little girl, he eats it up, she fakes like she's having a hard time and can't take it anymore in order get the rose (wake up Ben!!) and like the dumb tool he is gives her the rose. What a frickin' duh head.

I hope he feels like a real moron right now because Courtney has made a colossal ass out of him on national television. I want to slap him myself.

One-on-one: Jennifer.

She is super excited and off they go hiking to a crater where he informs her they are going to hang and drop 300 ft into a hole whilst wearing bathing suits. I would have peed my pants. Thankfully she didn't. In the evening he says he likes her. She's a good kisser from a good family. Seriously.  This is how he describe/qualifies them.  It pours rain on their date and he gives her the rose despite telling her he wasn't originally sure he would. To finish the date he takes her to a Clay Walker (no clue who he is) concert and the two of them cut a rug amongst a sea of beaming females staring them down. Now Ben thinks she could be the one. Sorry Kacie B. And Courtney. And everyone else he's kissing. Poor Jennifer.  She's too good for him.

At the cocktail party Emily is in a full-on tailspin over Courtney being a biznatch. Emily is so worked up over Courtney being a snag that she loses her beans and tattles to Ben who tells her to drop it or it will be her demise. Worse yet she then tells Courtney's one friend (who has no brains), Casey. Aaaaand it's on like donkey kong as Casey runs straight to Courtney and tells on her. Courtney in truly certifiable form, "wants to rip her head off and verbally assault her or shave her eyebrows off in the middle of the night." Yes. She said that on camera.

Get a load of this nutcase.

Ben's mom and sis? You out there? How you feeling about those spoilers? Open another bottle of wine.

In true form Courtney goes nuts -- because she is -- while Emily realizes 'hmmmmm. Maybe I shouldn't have said anything.' But Ben gives her one last chance and snips Monica, who weeps over lost love and claims this is the worst thing feeling she's ever had, instead.

At this point I feel like Bachelor producers have set this up. Maybe Ben's going to pick Courtney per script, realize after viewing he should have picked Kacie B and change his mind. Please say its true. Please! That broad is a total psycho. And in classless form he skinny dips with her next week. Pride is dead.

I mean how could he even pick anyone else after behavior like that?  More importantly why would anyone even want him?  What a pig.  And he can't even see when he's being worked over by a crazy bird with a whacked out, over botox'd mouth. Duh!