Tuesday, January 10, 2012

The Bachelor Recap: Prince Pinot, A Stage Five Clinger and a Bunch of Drunk Cats in a Bag

Here we go again with Ben and co. I'm just going to type thoughts live while watching and let it roll. To add insult to injury the Chef's got food poisoning and is in a full-on fever pitch state of ginger ale requests...it's gonna be a long night. At least he'll get to drop 10lbs, I'm going to need a crate of chocolate after this Bachelor mess. You know I'm right.

First off let's discuss: Internet leaks claim Ben chose crazy eyes Courtney the wannabe famous model. I'm gonna view through that lens. If he picks her I'll track him down and splash him with an entire bottle of wine myself. You hear that Ben??

The skies open and Ben's walking his dog in Sonoma waiting for the girls. Side note: the dog is the star. It's a mush moment as we see family pics. It's destroyed when the hos jump out of the car. It's wine time!

First date card goes to Kacie B.
Why do they do this ridiculous hand heart thing? WHY!?!?

Cut to sunset and the claws come out. Courtney's already blathering she hopes big K doesn't come back. Oh yawn Michelle Money. Stuff a sock in it. Ben rolls up in his sawed off truck and it's date time. Ben's going to show her something personal, near and dear to his heart. I'm actually terrified. Please don't let it be a body part. The streets are dead in Sonoma leading me to believe all intelligent people have fled the scene knowing bachelor zombies were on the way. He shows her town hall, they find a piano in some store and tickle the ivories. Two random women wander up the otherwise deserted street and everyone hugs (weird sauce), he and Kacie pick out a bunch of candy, she runs back to the store and grabs a baton unveiling a secret: she used to toss a baton. She thinks the date's going better than imagined. I look up and notice she's blitzed, eyes half open, only one blinking. Ben shares wonderful memories about his dad. She says she's a hopeless romantic and would move anywhere for love. He puts the brakes on and blurts out that he'd need to see the south first. Slow ya roll there lady girl.

Back at the maison the doorbell rings and all the hags scream 'date card' in the shrillest voices you ever did hear. Group date: Britney, Rachel, Jennifer, Blakely, Emily, Jenna, Shawn, Monica, Samantha, Jaime, Nikki and Jacqueline all pretend they're ecstatic to have to share time. Cut to Blakeley bitching about having a group date. She's willing to knock someone out. Uh-oh. All I'm thinking about is the maybe lesbian tryst going on between Blakeley and Monica.
mmmkay? oh what a difference a few days makes.

Over at Kacie and Ben he gives her a rose, they lock lips, he's going to make himself vulnerable with one last surprise: an empty theater and on the screen home movies of her and her fam throughout her childhood. Why is this important? Snooze. Then Ben's family movies pop up. Honestly, it's sad to see the footage of him and his dad. I start crying a little and haven't even had any wine. I feel badly for him. Ben thinks his dad would like Kacie B. She thinks she's found a lifetime of love with Ben. Really? After one date and with a gaggle of hens back in the henhouse? Oh lady. Isn't she the divorcee who's ready to give it another go? Someone help me. Or just help her. There's a long road ahead.

Group date time: he's going to make these women feel a part of this small town community. Blakeley's made sure to have her boobs hanging out as much as possible.
Imagine those things hanging out of a severely low-cut, striped romper 
and you've got what she wore on a group date. In front of children.
Keepin' it classy. 

Monica likes boys all the sudden and she's ready to standout in this playwright thing he's got set up. I'm looking for Jenna: is she taking her pills yet?? The playwrights are a bunch of kids. Loud kids. He wants to see if they like kids. Good thing Courtney's not here or she might eat them live. Jennifer has to act like a weasel, someone else a pig, a dragon, a damsel in distress, Nicki looking for prince charming. Then she did a sexy sprinkler dance. The kids say it all: some of them are better than others. They need to bring it! Blakeley is asked to jog in slo-mo with her boobs. A girl doesn't like her, a boy does. Out do the mouths of babes.

Back at the house, Courtney the bat takes to attacking the horse rider who got the first impression rose. Courtney is one nasty b*tch.

Back at the play, Jenna the relationship blogger is cast as a wizard (she's gonna need some magic to stay in this game), Blakeley's a gingerbread man hooker, everyone's in costume and all of Ben's friends plus half the town are there to see the performance. Bets on guys only remembering Blakeley's boobs. You know she'll try to show them. It's some tale set in bachelorville, Ben is prince Pinot and they all want to kiss him. Monica the maybe lesbian blows off Ben's sheep suit leaving him in a cottonball loincloth. I can't even make this stuff up. He kisses a princess, the town of Sonoma cheers! All the girls want to be with him for life. Of course. Because this would be daily living? The commercials are the best part: Blakeley is termed a stage 5 clinger and the hags all want to rip her a new one. FAST FORWARD!

End of group date: he didn't kiss everyone and the whiners want reparations. Oh shiz. Blakeley can't stop ranting to everyone that she wants that rose!! Sure way to win enemies there ya dingbat. Bens nuts: he thinks she's super grounded and everyone likes her. Duh! He wants to know where she got her style aka boobs from. She's just blessed, she says.  *rolls eyes* Meanwhile in the can Samantha's losing it. She's in the stall and wants to rip Blakeley's head off. It's gonna be eff'd up if Blakeley gets a rose she says, while the camera shows her sitting on the toilet in her dress. Pull yourself together honey. You've got bigger fish to fry *cough crazy Courtney cough*.
No jokes.  This was the scene.

Back at the house it's date card time. Aside: The chef comes out of a trance: how looooong is this on? Me: 5 minutes. And he passes back out. Whew. Courtney's gonna get to spin the bottle with Ben. She makes some snide remark to all of them, balls out, in their faces. That chick put the ug in ugly. Bet he picked her. Troll.

At the group date they're all in the pool (here we go with the pool scenes). Pressure's on. Blakeley's frothing at the mouth watching Ben connect with others. Jennifer gets one on one time with Ben. More kissing in the private pool. She's a goner. He might be a swine. On the couch all the girls think Jennifer might get the rose, Blakeley goes nuts, the Scorpio in her jumps him in another private pool, Jennifer doesn't feel special anymore, crying ensues. Next thing everyone's dried off and Ben awards the rose to the one who made the most of the day and the night and her conversation (ahem) with him: Blakeley pulled the wool over the sheep's eyes. Haha! Jennifer bawls, the girls call Blakely a candystriper hooker, horsey, slut, etc. She calls them all a bunch of bitches. Oh girl. You are gonna go down like a box of rocks when Courtney gets her hands on Ben. Don't shoot your back-ups.

Courtney cray cray.

Ben's back in his sawed off truck to pick up Courtney claiming she's one of the most beautiful women he's ever seen and gosh darn it she's a model y'all. Really dude? You bought that? Note to producers: Ben needs glasses and, I suspect, possibly some brains in the area of character reading. I mean outside the script. Poor dog Scotch has to go on the date. Hope she doesn't eat him. Vampiro lady. Kacie B hopes witch C doesn't come back, thereby echoing the sentiments of all. The dogs on her lap, please don't toss it out Elvira. I notice she's wearing shorts and boots just like Kacie was on her date. Hmmmmmmm. Copycat ho-bag. He takes her into the middle of the forest where they practice dog howls. She's a natural. They picnic by a creek, she claims to have been 'just doing her time' so no dates in a long time. I think it's because of her crazy face and ugly black heart, but that's just me. She meets a lot of people, but no one really, you know. No we don't hag bag. Why don't you fill us in? They smooch (yawn), he's captivated and thinks she's the full package. It's gonna be a long torturous season. Next thing you know they're riding on a tractor in the dark, wandering through a vineyard to dinner, he's wondering if she's too good to be true. Uh hello Ben! That's intuition calling!! She's playing a role and loving the tv exposure, he's babbling like a schoolboy when it hits me: he's Ashley bachelorette. She tells some lies about having dated an actor and finding underwear in the bed. Playing the role of the wounded dater. Grossfest as he eats it up bestowing a rose on her. Barf. Immediately she's blathering to the camera about the other girls should look out. If he did pick her I bet he's peeing his pants at what his mother's gonna say right about now.


In the house it's cocktail party/elimination time. Ben pulls first impression rose horsey aside to begin with. She's country. She's safe. He rolls back in and pulls Samantha from the bathroom stall aside. Blakeley goes on and on to all the girls about doing what she needs to do to get that rose. Shoots self in foot. Samantha blabs on for two seconds when suddenly Blakeley rolls in to steal the show. Hoo-ker has a rose already! Pride is dead. This has turned into the Blakeley steals all the alone time show while cray cray Courtney laughs maniacally in the corner. Girls in a heap, someone calls Blakeley a stage 5 clinger, they're ready to smack her down. Crazy Jenna gets one on one and almost lights a fire tossing a blanket on a candle. She's a bag of nerves and it's biz-arre. Calls herself a guy amongst girls because she's not, like a girl. Oh and she's drunk AGAIN. Slurs and all. Starts bawling, finds her way to a bed, lays down and bawls her head off. Uh, lay off the drinks much? Everyones back to ragging on Blakeley and her horse face, Courtney gathers intel, Blakeley finds the corner of the luggage room, gets in the fetal and starts snotting for attention. Ben finds her (as planned I'm sure) and tells her to collect herself. Good luck with that buddy. On his way back to the sitting room he finds Jenna wailing in bed. It's just too good. I mean these messes are in the dictionary next to drunk and wrecked.

Eliminations (as Jenna crumbles): Shawna and crazy Jenna who insanely enough is in shock. She is out of her damn mind and thinks it's not really happening. Someone call for the straitjacket.
this was from the first night, but good enough. mess on the right.
wish i had video of her slurring.  

Next stop: San Francisco. Some mystery chick shows up, a bunch more bawling, and one of the broads faints. Good times.

Chef's summary: does this guy saying anything other than 'in Sonoma'?? What is he? A walking commercial for grapes? Ugghhh!!! Yep, that sums it up.


Anonymous said...

Before this season started they kept airing a commercial of nothing but a girl crying. Have they actually shown this or is it just a ploy to pull you in? Because if that's really going to happen, I'll probably tune in. Jared and I laughed at the commercial for several minutes straight.

Dale said...

This is so funny, I don't watch this show but I think I need to start tuning in and I love the comment about her needing to keep it classy, especially in front of kids.



this free bird said...

Katie I think that wailer is Jenna or Jennifer (or anyone other than that snag Courtney). They're all NUTS

Fashion, Art and other fancies said...

I do hope the Chef is feeling better today. It's messy getting a food bug. And your story here is hilarious in many ways. lol.

RosaLovesDC said...

Hope Chef is feeling better.
I gotta say that I look forward to these recaps, they are the perfect way to entertain myself while riding the train to work and the best part, I don't even watch the show but you make it so appealing.

Closet Fashionista said...

Haha....oh myyy...what an interesting show this week XD

Cara said...

I am finding this to be the most boring season to date...I can barely watch!

Courtney Erin said...

I love that I share the same name as the strangest, bitchiest gal there - awesome.


Micah said...

I swear this season has the craziest group of women. Probably because Ben is so boring. Is that mean? Probably, but oh well. I'm sure he's a very nice guy, but he's really boring on screen.

I really like Jennifer. Probably because she's a redhead (though I'm not sure it's natural) and also because she seems the least crazy. In other words, I hope she goes home soon because she doesn't deserve this.

Dancing Branflake said...

I remember back in the day when the ladies who didn't get roses wouldn't cry until maybe the second to last episode. But crying so early in the game? Ridiculous, ladies! You don't even know him! What has HAPPENED to women?

Chic 'n Cheap Living said...

Ahh sO this is what I'm missing out on - nutty women all around and true love. Do these women realize that there is more than one man in the world?

Chic 'n Cheap Living

Hogger and Co. said...

This show is getting so crazy, it's good. Jenna should get a rose for being so nuts!
Too bad she got booted...do you think she'll come back? Give the girl a rose or something!

The Suburb Experiment said...

Courtney's affectations around the other women were so strange. It was like watching someone heavily stoned audition for the part of an evil queen. SO. WEIRD.

The Suburb Experiment

Claire Kiefer said...

Okay. So, admittedly, I was pretty deep into the wine bottle when I watched last night, but I was with it enough to notice Blakeley's ABSURDLY TACKY romper that was at least 2 sizes too small for her. I can't believe he gave her the damn rose. Also, Courtney is a vicious monster beyotch. I gotta admit, Kacie B. of the first solo date is pretty cute. She hasn't done anything offensive yet, and I have a fondness for fellow southerners. But we'll see . . . it's bound to get crazier and crazier.


I don't watch that hot mess of a show but these women sounds bat shit crazy!

la petite coquine said...

AH MAY ZING. God bless the Bachelor and these crazy women, for bringing all this magic forth from your fingers.

Kendall said...

I've never seen the show, but this makes me want to watch it. It sounds like one of those train wrecks that you just can't look away from.

Josie said...

Real-life question: what has this show become???
xo Josie

Bella @Bellgetsreal said...

The hubby is out of town so I have been glued to the TV both Sunday and Monday watching the bachelor. It is just too much fun and your descriptions are perfect.

ps the clairsonic is wonderful. I say take the extra xmas cash and grab one, you wont be sorry.

Marcie said...

Oh Bachelor recaps how I've missed you! Hilarious! I thought Ben was smarter than Blakesley and Courtney, I was wrong as usual!


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