The Bachelorette: Intuition is Dead

Oh, and I'm a hypocrite.  A hypocrite who almost cut her finger off in the shower and has now come to realize the value of the pinky finger, but a hypocrite nonetheless.  I swore that ABC wouldn't get the better of me, but the Chef's back at work and when the bachelorette (can't even be bothered to capitalize it) trainwreck came a callin' I caved *hangs head*.  Even worse?  I dvr'd that mother to watch Tuesday night.  Confessional over and out.

Let's begin with a brief summary of immediate thoughts/reactions:

1. Ohhhhhh gawwwwd she's still bawling over Bentley? (cue eyes and ears bleeding)
2. Does Ashley ever wear pants?
3. Does Ashley realize Bentley is gone?
4. What exactly is a "man claw"?
5. Where are my pills?
6. Ashley is barely clothed for her meeting with the Thai date planner. *dies inside*
7. These men behave like women.
8. Will she ever stop blathering on about Bentley? help me
9. Constantine is an advocate for the word 'like'.
10. Ashley has arrived to the group date in a mesh covered bikini.  Hooker.
11.  OMG this fool is going to tell her date she's still thinking about Bentley.  Is this over yet?
12. Ames seems like quite an intelligent man.  Why is he on this show?
13. Does Ashley know the meaning of the word "intuition"?
14. I wonder if Ashley will kick Chris Harrison in the nuts after seeing what a fool he's making of her.
15.  Better question...(dot dot dot annoyballs) I wonder if she even realizes it??

The show opens and within three minutes she's back on the short bus bawling over Bentley -- at this point I begin yawning because it's telltale...his a** will be back within two weeks.  Why on earth has no one told this fool Ashley that Bentley can't stand her? One word:  ratings.

Next up Harrison strolls into the boypad mumbling something along the lines of 'you all must know how serious she is by now.' When were they supposed to catch that - before or after the flashmob date she planned revealing her dance aspirations? Um, Chris Harrison everyone knows she's not serious seeing as she's been clinging to a hairball Bentley up until this point and blatantly bawling her eyes out ever since his departure.  They just want their free trip.  Hand it over.

Cut to scene and Ashley's in Phuket wearing some barely there top and shorts. I blocked out the rest cringing at what the poor Thai lady must have thought of American women based on the mess otherwise known as half-naked Ashley.  Clearly ABC has some deal with Phuket to provide aid, etc. however they send a representative with next to no clothing to be the main face *cringe*.  Blah blah blah and we're at the men's accommodations where they try to one up each other like cats in a bag over who's kissed her and who hasn't.  Oh wait. Imagine that?  Everyone has, except Ames and a couple other guys who haven't gotten more than 2 seconds of nervous glance airtime.  I gagged a little at this point and hit FF on the dvr.  Do these men not realize they're all basically kissing each other?  Pride is dead.

First lucky date:

In a word: noooooooooooooooooooooooo.  Or is that like?  He seems to be a nice guy, she seems to be bored to tears.  Oh wait, she gives him a rose.  Of course she did.  His hair reminds her of Bentley.  She can't stop thinking about him and wonders if she should tell Constantine her feelings.  That's all I remember about this one because I slept through it--I was just following Ashley's lead.  To sum up:  Like.  He said it about 50 times.  Poor thing.  Casualty of bachelorette filler rose--easier to heartlessly badger and then snip the poor guy whose wife passed away. 


Next it's the Group Date aka the place where men shamelessly backstab each other like women over some broad who doesn't like any of them anyway.  Or so she says seeing as she can't stop thinking about Bentley.  Except when she's getting her magical kissing in with JP who is hands down the best kisser, but two seconds later she's back on the Bentley violin playing right into the script of his return.  So predictable.  I sum the Group date up with men bickering and this:

Ashley in her mesh with JP in the rain making out wildly on the beach less than 50 feet away from all the other guys, but less than 3 ft away from the cameras.  10 minutes later she rips off her mesh and goes frolicking into a pool with all the men racing behind her as she splashes around.  Awkward.  Earlier they also did some wonderful charity work for a Children's orphanage called Baan San Fan and some other guy who looks like Constantine got a rose.  Theme:  she's tossing roses at anyone who has hair like Bentley or kisses like him.  shakes head.


Final date:  Ames or as I like to call him, "SHOCKER HOW DID THIS GEM GET ON THE SHOW?"

At first I thought he looked a little cuckoo, but this guy is off the hook.  He is smart, reeks of an Ivy League education, well-spoken, thoughtful, confident yet not overly secure, and what on earth is he getting caught up in this for? *might be a red flag* He is, at this point, the most well-mannered of the bunch and the most well-rounded.  If she doesn't pick him she's nuts.  JP's my gut choice.  I bet it's him--he would be much more inclined to go along with her Hollywood aspirations without any push back.  Ames is a Portfolio Manager so he is not moving to LA to do a flashmob.  Is flashmob one word or two?  By the way--best date ever.  Kayaking through those tunnels? Wow.  Chris Harrison should be giving us all a trip to Phuket for sitting through the Bentley diatribes.  

Now for the best part of the night.  The clincher >>> Chris asks Ashley if she's over Bentley yet?
Somebody keep me from gouging my own eyes out.  Really Chris, REALLY?? How much more can we take?  Just spill it already! You're bringing him back next week. Yawwwwwn.  

Ashley's response (paraphrased): I'm not over him, our connection was so great, I was certain he was The One (there she goes with that again), my intuition says there's something more there.

Pause and reflect.  Now pray tell dear Ashley where on earth has your mighty intuition been up until this point?  Can someone please tell this child she doesn't have any intuition?? If she did she would know Bentley was a pig.  She would know not to get hung up on someone she's been warned about.  She would have the gut feeling he was a liar and that he, essentially, cannot stand her.  Intuition my foot!!  I laughed out loud.  She's out to lunch.  And not with her intuition.

Moments later I then wept as she relentlessly swept poor West out the door without so much as a heartfelt goodbye after badgering him about his readiness for a relationship after the death of his wife.  Not only is Ashley on my nerves, I think this experience has gone to her head despite her constant claims of insecurity.

Stay tuned for next week when Bentley returns.  Yes it was the "big reveal" at the end of the show and am I the only one who thought she was totally faking when they told her he was back in the hotel?? She knew it--my intuition told me.