Tuesday, June 28, 2011

The Bachelorette: Death of the Dot Dot Dot

This b*tch blogger.  I just finished the entire post, went to click publish and it erased the entire thing.  I am so over this piece of crap!!  I can't even remember what I wrote. Nooooooooooooooooooo

Here we go again:  suffice it to say it's a good thing I purchased some Ketel One prior to the show.  It helped me get off on a good foot and apparently I'll be downing it for the remainder of the evening.  I would just like to note from the get go that Ashley is in no way, shape or form ready for a mature relationship.  'Of course she isn't Carrie,' you say to yourselves 'She's on tv attempting to launch her career find love'. Well yes that too, but how about her faulty mentality in regards to complete honesty.  'Hey guys I just wanted to let you know that while I've been dating and sucking face with most of you I've been pining away for Bentley since the first time I saw him and even after he left, but he dumped me for the last time earlier this week right here in Hong Kong so I am now sure my husband is in this room!  Let's do this!!'  Good grief.  What is wrong with her?? (sorry we don't have all year to discuss).

Immediate thoughts:
  1. Ashley is wearing pants.
  2. Ashley should have stuck with the shirts dresses.
  3. Winnie the Pooh is in theatres July 15th!!
  4. Don't mess with Lucas.
  5. Or the Dylan McDermott look-a-like.
  6. Kentucky Grilled Chicken looks amazing.
  7. Holy crow Jaycee Dugard is doing an interview with Diane Sawyer on the 10th.  WOOT!
  8. Ashley is clueless.
  9. JP is so, JP.
  10. Is she really going to leave this trainwreck with no one?? Somewhere Mike Fleiss laughs maniacally.  

Tonight's show opens with ominous music and for a second I think I'm watching The Crow.  Nope here comes Ashley.  She's wearing pants.  Wait a second.  Pause. Rewind.  Yep those are pants.

This entire first segment can be summed up in one word:  Bentley.  Harrison shows up in Ashley's room dropping the bomb that Bentley's in the hotel.  SHUT UP she says.  No Ashley bachelorette YOU SHUT UP.  We've been waiting for weeks for you to get dumped.  Get over to that room and don't you dare take your pills before heading out.  We want the full breakdown!!  Off she tears down the hallway:  she can't believe he's here (even though she demanded Harrison produce him so she could get closure him back in the process),  she feels the same way she did 4 days ago when he was here, if he wants to stay there's still hope and she doesn't care what anyone thinks.  She knocks on the door and line of the night goes to Bentley:  'who is it?' He bloody knows it's her and is already trying to send her the message.  *passes out laughing*

Once inside she clings to him then tries to play it cool with whack lines like 'do you come here often?' when suddenly it dons on her:  this guy left of his own accord and is less than enthusiastic to see her.  For a second he says they were on the same page and he misses her.  Wha?  Do I need to put down the Ketel One??  Nope--seeing the cuckoo bird look in her eye Bentley quickly recovers 'imploring' her to see what she has here in the guys who remain.  He's in Utah, she's not and that's the way it's going to stay.  The lightbulb goes on and rage fills the room.  Ashley bachelorette realizes she's been dumped!  How dare he?? He's put a period at the end of her dot dot dot and she's not havin' it!!  She drops some cuss words, possibly an eff and stomps out the door telling him he should have called.  Wait a second lady--you had them call him.  He actually made it pretty clear he didn't want to talk to you anymore when he left last time.  This is your own fault for not knowing how to take a hint--hel-loooo!

Back in her room she's feeling embarrassed as all hell liberated as she thumbs through her shirt dress collection.  Enjoy it while you can lady.  Someone's about to rip you a hole or three, but first it's date time.

First up:  Lucas



Or as I shall refer to him after tonight -- Don't Waste My Time

Lucas has never been to Hong Kong, New York or, I suspect, Disneyland.  Off they go and I immediately notice Ashley is wearing pants.  Not a good sign for Lucas aka mercy rose and easy to eliminate near the end of the process when someone's gotta go, but preferably someone strong so it's not messy (west bawling his eyes out in that one clip? horrible!).  Back at the date Lucas is merely hoping for a kiss and a dance.  She needs to feel the romance with him and thinks it could happen because she's not thinking about Bentley at all anymore even though she can't stop talking about him to the camera.  Summary:  Lucas gets his kiss after having to ask for it and then they dance.  He's on cloud nine, she likes his 'manlihood'.  I can't even go there *dies laughing*. 

Back in the hotel Blake and Ryan pee their pants wondering which of them will get the one-on-one.  Neither of you two sissies--it's JP for the win!  Ashley needs to regain confidence with her main face sucker after being ruthlessly dumped yet again by Bentley.  But first we have the group date.

Dragon Boat Racing.  Why?  Sigh.
Wait a second.
This looks like the dragon that was yanked out from under me by a certain obnoxious...
*blacks out*

Ashley's on the beach in her pants with midriff hanging out as she's tossed on a bikini top to take on the day.  Back in sport mode she's divided the guys into 3 teams of 2 directing them to dart out into crowds and recruit rowing teams that will race for her love.  I'm going to need 14 Ketel Ones to make it through this mess.  The twins Ben and Constantine can't recruit squat so opt instead to purchase red kimonos that then attract their ensemble of characters--primarily women.  Blake lets Ryan use his annoying electric personality to rustle up a bunch while Ames and Mitch, the brains and brawn, go for the throat assembling a group of actual dragon boat racers.  Taking to the seas Ames and Mitch blow it out of the water and later, as they sit on the beach in a huddle, a proposal takes place just kitty corner to their group. Ashley thinks it's a sign seeing as she has totally forgotten about Bentley even though she's still yammering on about him non-stop.

Cut to scene and it's evening.  Ames tosses Ashley into an elevator hitting floor 48 and attacking her face in, quite possibly, the most awkward kiss scene in Bachelorette history.  All I remember is his nose smushed into the side of her cheek *turns embarrassed face*.  His head is spinning, she's starting to think these guys are really here for her and is so glad she's stopped thinking about Bentley as she brings him up for the 36501284 time on this episode alone.  Back at the group Ashley sucks face with Ben for awhile.  He's wearing a pastel yellow sweater.  He's gotta go.  Ryan's next once again whining about not getting a one-on-one so she in predictable Ashley bachelorette mode she hops up, grabs the rose from right in front of the others and gives it to him.  The others are half stunned/pissed mad.  Ashley bachelorette has once again proven her knack for zero intuition and ability to read others.  Must have been quite the awkward ending because next thing you know we're on JP's date.

Around this time it hits me:  JP looks like the Chef.
How did I not notice this before??

This guy warms my heart.  Please Run JP, RUN!! Can she for once stop wearing sweatsuits and leggings around him?  He's the best:  sweet, kind, a good listener, wicked smile, he thinks they're meant to be and that he'll be down on one knee in a month--he's ballsy too!  We like, we like!  She of course has to kill it in every way possible by asking the last time he cried and is he over his ex for reals??  What is wrong with her?? I can't stop throwing this question into the night!!  Next thing you know she blurts out that Bentley was in town and she just neeeeeeeded to tell him so that everything is in the open at the end when she picks him so there are no surprises.  You can see the kicked gut look on his face, but he takes it in stride.  He's the one.  I'd bet money.  They end up on some tram ride to the top of a mountain where they overlook Hong Kong, drink champagne and make out.  Can we just cut to the end and tell me she doesn't eff this up??  Better yet tell me he runs away.  Please!! Someone?  Anyone?  Anyone?? Bueller??

I look at the clock and it's 9:40.  Out she strolls in some silver sequined mess that does approximately zero for her broad shoulders, but certainly has her boobs hanging out.  Has she had a boob job?  I'd bet...oh whatever.  She has a great idea!  Let's tell all the guys how hung up I've been on Bentley and now I'm over it and am certain my husband JP is in this group.  Um heard of Hiroshima there Ashley?  Not a smart move.  They all go nuts and several of them call her out:  they're there for her and she's pining away after some guy who left the show? They're not stupid.  They know she's the one who got dumped by Bentley and if he wanted to come back she'd have tossed him right back in the mix.  She excuses herself to fake cry.  Lucas is pissed!!  His #1 pet peeve is someone wasting his time.  He is second to no one!! Well, except everyone in that room.  Blake tries to rip her, but she starts up with the fake crying and he gets sucked in only to be scathingly eliminated less than 5 minutes later as she tosses him the evil eye for daring to call her out.  Mickey the chef rips her and asks her to send him home because he's nothing like Bentley and that is clearly her type.  She gets on her broom and demands that he excuse himself--so he does.  Good for him!! She's a classless fool pretending to "care so much for all them" when the truth is each and every one is her second choice to Bentley who she is totally over, but still talking about every single chance she gets.  

Oh JP please be the one who gets on that plane and flies away.  PLEASE.  Oh yes--didn't I mention?:  they show flashes of the remainder of the season and it appears as though she still cannot make up her mind in the end.  It showed clips of almost every guy except JP, her being conflicted, and finally her bawling in the end as she goes running out of the rose beachy Fiji circle when a plane flies away with one of "The Ones"--or maybe both.  A girl can dream!!

47 comments:

Marcela said...

OMG on that picture the guy really looks like Chef! :-O Maybe it is him. Maybe he leads a double life? :-O :-O

RosaLovesDC said...

I hate it when that happens to me (the whole Blogger issue losing your work). Tumblr does it from time to time too.
I am not really sure about Ashley. I stopped watching after the second episode but I love your recaps.

Kate said...

Is that photo of the chef?? He does look like JP and JP is dreamy, so you can finish the rest of that equation! ;) It looks like we're in for a whoooole season of insecurity and crying, based on the 'this season on the bachelorette' preview we got last night. This show acts as the answer for all the girls who ask "I don't understand, why doesn't he like me?!" - this is why, ladies.

I've never witnessed a bachelor or bachelorette like this in my life. Oh, Ashley.

Daisy said...

Pretty sure JP will win. He's damn adorable.

amazing recap. easily the highlight of my Tuesday mornings

Megan said...

mwhhahahahhah!!!!!!!!

1) I think you gathered the important things throughout the show as I did (aka KFC looked yummy, Winnie the Pooh comes out soon, JC Duggard interview).

2) I was sincerely hoping for not just one guy to leave over her ridiculousness, but like 4. I was disappointed when their words didn't turn into action.

3) I laughed so hard when Bentley said "Who is it?" that I nearly spit soda from my nose.

4) And for as clueless as she is ALL season about Bentley, I don't think she picked up on his intentions from their awkward conversation in that room. I actually think the producers told her what he was up to. I mean, how do you go from wanting to be with someone forever to saying "EFF" you on TV ...especially when he didn't really say anything mean or hateful to her in conversation. Maybe the producers disclosed his earlier "pee" comments to her right after LOL.

5) JP is too good for her.

6) All the guys are too good for her. She deserves Bentley or William.

7) I may have to have skype date with you when I move during the show. Your reactions have to be PRICELESS.

8) I feel hateful for hating on her. And people can say "we have all been there as girls". But we all haven't.

Chic 'n Cheap Living said...

While I don't have access to this show, I LOVE your recaps. In a nuteshell: Ashley is deluded, Bentley is the one that got away but couldn't care less, and Winnie the Pooh is coming out soon!

xoxo,
Chic 'n Cheap Living

Debby said...

Carrie, you know I was dying to read your take on this. Last night I was going to go on FB to see if you were watching so we could bash her together but then remembered CA is 3 hrs. behind us. It's official... this chick bugs the living crap out of me. She was whiny and annoying on The Bachelor last season so why they chose her to be The Bachelorette is beyond me!! xo

TheChambrayCountess said...

Hahaha! I love your recaps and I don't even watch the show!

Courtney Erin said...

Ha ha ha, you're recaps are perfection...especially you're barely concealed elation over the fact that Ashley's wearing pants. Awesome!

xoxo ~ Courtney
http://sartorialsidelines.blogspot.com

The Blonde @ Stylish3 said...

I live for these Bachelorette recaps.

God - if she wears one more oversized sheer blouse I'm going to scream. How does she even find pants that tight?

Did anyone notice that Ames was wearing two polo shirts layered on top of each other on the group date? It was very awkward-looking and I couldn't stop staring at it.

Micah said...

I really, really wanted to give Ashley the benefit of the doubt about being ready for this. I guess that's how I am with most people -- giving too much credit. While I don't think going on TV to find love is wrong (hey -- there's no wrong way to meet people), I don't think she is a good fit for this process. Now, I was impressed with Mickey for leaving. I really didn't expect that. I am surprised more of them didn't. And, JP. So sweet. So defensive of her. She doesn't deserve him. I don't think she leaves the show with anyone. At all.

Ashleigh said...

These recaps are my my new Tuesday morning treat - thanks C!
I'm so glad someone else caught the "who is it?" Reeeally, dude??

Dragon = you had to bring that up...I'm still sad for you!!

The Ames kiss was gross, I don't think I've ever been so turned off by kissing, eck.

Ryan reminds me of Zack Braff!

Dancing Branflake said...

Hilarious recap! You really need your own talk show.

Leah said...

ahha I lover your Bachelorette rip-ups. and that totally blows that blogger deleted your post! Ugh.

xo L.

Marcie said...

As I was watching last night, I couldn't help but think, what will Carrie post? There is just too much good material in this episode. I think for the first time EVER, the group turned on the Bachelorette! Only Ashley could make that happen. This season has been so terrible, I may never watch again.

M

The Suburb Experiment said...

I didn't see the elevator scene (I clean the house maniacally when the The Bachelor/ette is on - all those icky feelings have to get channeled somewhere) but I'm REALLY liking Ames so I'm glad I missed it. When he said the bit about people liking their fairy tales simple? I almost fell over - it's the most intelligent thing I've ever heard someone say on this stupid show.

JP - If he's not the one. . . well, she's an idiot. (Or he wised up) He's obviously the one that's really into her.
Lucas - SCARY.
Ryan - does he give you a creepy Tom Cruise vibe? Like under his tightly stretched smile there's some major repressed rage? *shudder*

I think I lament this each time but why do I get sucked into this drivel? Well, now it's so I can nod knowingly along with your recaps, haha!

Jenn

fifi said...

This is great!! I would much rather read your recaps than watch the actual show!! This is so much more entertaining!

Allergic to Vanilla said...

so I tried for the first time to watch this show last night- and it was bad, as in I saw 15 min of Ash "sucking face" and was over it immediately...sorry. next.

reruns of Casino Royal it was...ooh Daniel Craig!

xo Carlina

Allergic to Vanilla said...

so I tried for the first time to watch this show last night- and it was bad, as in I saw 15 min of Ash "sucking face" and was over it immediately...sorry. next.

reruns of Casino Royal it was...ooh Daniel Craig!

xo Carlina

Allergic to Vanilla said...

so I tried for the first time to watch this show last night- and it was bad, as in I saw 15 min of Ash "sucking face" and was over it immediately...sorry. next.

reruns of Casino Royal it was...ooh Daniel Craig!

xo Carlina

Allergic to Vanilla said...

so I tried for the first time to watch this show last night- and it was bad, as in I saw 15 min of Ash "sucking face" and was over it immediately...sorry. next.

reruns of Casino Royal it was...ooh Daniel Craig!

xo Carlina

la petite coquine said...

I'm watching this while reading your recap, and I am in STITCHES. I can't decide whether to feel bad for Ashley, or bang my head against the wall. It's like she's your good girlfriend you just want to call up and say, "YOU MUST STOP THIS!" Too bad we can't....

Allergic to Vanilla said...

whoa sorry there for the 50 million rewritten comments ;)

Rachel from Love a la Mode said...

Carrie, it's time to switch to Wordpress. (they'll even convert all your previous blogger posts for you!)
Bisous,
Rachel
http://lovealamode.wordpress.com

Kristin said...

So, I don't watch it but...I can't WAIT to take the dude to see Pooh Bear!

Josie said...

I've decided that I don't actually have to start watching it. It can't possibly be as entertaining as these recaps...
xo Josie
www.winksmilestyle.com

Taj Acosta said...

I hate it when bloggrrr does that too! the worst. Nice recap ;)

Katie said...

The recaps are convincing me I need a drink, too.
This is becoming a problem.
Except not really. How many more episodes are there of this pantsless craziness?

Miss Caitlin S. said...

I'm in the minority that doesn't watch the show but your recap was funny. Everyone seems to hate Ashley. And from what I hear of this Bentley guy, he sounds perfect for reality tv! I love someone who causes drama.

Bella @Bellgetsreal said...

Jp was my pick from the beginning. If anything is going to come of this "journey" she better pick him or do we want to do that to him?

Leeann @ Join the Gossip said...

LOL I love your recaps! So I am proud of the guys for actually standing up to her when she dropped the Bentley bombshell!

I really can't see her with any of the guys...at all. I fast-forwarded through the previews of the rest of the season because I didn't want them to give away that shit! Looks like she either feels bad becuase she breaks someone's heart in the end, or they say no to her.

Tracy D said...

I can't believe you re-typed all that.... This is a hawt mess this show, that I promised myself I wouldn't get sucked into this season-and I didn't at first. The my brother started giving me the updates on the 'cringiest season ever' but now we're both reading your re-caps & love them. Is it wrong that I don't want it to end?

moonstruck-expose said...

OMG, you are too funny, I looooooove reading your write ups bc your personality and wit just shines through!! You're so refreshing babe!! Love this post!

ps-following you from my new blog now of course. ;)

moonstruck exposé

x. juliana

sherri lynn said...

Just found your blog and I am loving your summary of the Bachelorette. You are so spot on! I'm starting to get super annoyed with this season and will be super pissedif Ashley doesn't pick anyone. And JP?!?! Seriously. He's amazing.

Valerie said...

JP does look like the chef! And I still cannot tell Constantine and Ben apart. They are the same person. I agree about Ashley and the pants, she should stick with dresses from now on. And I died laughing when Bentley said, "Who is it?"! Poor Ashley. She just can't be normal, can she? And it seems like JP actually likes her. What is he thinking?? The producers hit the jackpot this time. Why didn't they think of this before?? Pick the MOST insecure girl EVER for the bachelorette and watch her self destruct on national television. Genius!

xo
Val

Alleen said...

Lovin' the recaps as I don't have time to blog let alone watch the show or any other show lately!! You're hilarious and I have no other choice, written so well, to embrace your opinions as my own, LOL!!! xoxo

Marie a la Mode said...

I love your recaps! It's so HARD watching her on T.V. She's all over the place, I cannot keep up!!

Jessica @ Beautify My Life said...

I've been reading this blog for maybe 2 weeks, and I was already thinking about you while watching this episode on Monday. I spent half of it with my hands over my eyes, because it was so hard to watch. If the Bachelorette is normally a train wreck that we can't look away from, this episode is like a train going off the tracks and running over an entire highway of cars -- and I can't look away.

Kerri said...

super funny! thank you for writing all that! twice?!?!

ashley does seem to be the most pathetic bachelorette yet. and i LOVE the way she was so in love with bentley but now feels totally happy and refreshed since he added the period. and now acts like falling in love in only a week probably wasn't for real anyway. nice job!

i think jp is so cute. but am reminded that something is wrong with him b/c hello? he's on the show, and seems to like ashley?

so it looks like more drama is to follow and ashley looks like she'll be miserable a few more times. hard to imagine this could end well. it won't. it never does...

PursuitOfLLT said...

all i have to say is this:

bahahahahahahahaha

i've been watching it and it's a hot mess. i love jp and why is he so hot?! (lucky you with chef!)

but i just cannot understand ashley. the draw of her. her lack of vocabulary (bentley, insecurity, here for the right reasons) it just kills me.

i wonder if i'll ever stop watching this train wreck dot dot dot

Marissa said...

Oh! So that's why everyone was tweeting crap about Blogger today. I get it now. What a pain@

Ashlee said...

You are absolutely hilarious. I love, love, love your recap. You summed up so eloquently what I was thinking!!!!
Please post more.

Mrs. Julius said...

LMFAO! again. lol. love your recaps. sorry i ended up watching the show but it really does make it funnier when i read your recaps after cuz i know exactly how u feel. lol. now i'm even more hooked cuz i really want to see who ends up leaving her ass! i hope its JP cuz he seems to be the next runner up after Bentley. he derserves so much better. anyhow, cant wait for your next recap. lol

xoyeanxo

midory said...

hahahaha I just came across your blog through surfing the bloggesfier and I think its freaking hillarious! Specially because you're cool enough to even extensively blog about the bachelorette when all of us are hiddin in shame that we like it! hahaha you are my new idol!

meghan said...

oh i die. thank you. it just reminds me hilarious this whole mess is. and dear lord i can't deal with that girl. will you eb watching bachelor pad? and providing commentary? can't wait.

Lexi said...

I just discovered your blog, so this was the first post I read...you're hilarious!! I look forward to more Bachelorette posts and everything else you do :) Happy Fourth, by the way!

http://alwayssprout.blogspot.com ♥

Ashley, Lions Lace Lattes said...

This is an excellent recap!! JP is by far my fav guy on the show. Looking forward to your next bachelorette post!! :)

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