Thursday, June 16, 2011

The Bachelorette: Intuition is Dead

Oh, and I'm a hypocrite.  A hypocrite who almost cut her finger off in the shower and has now come to realize the value of the pinky finger, but a hypocrite nonetheless.  I swore that ABC wouldn't get the better of me, but the Chef's back at work and when the bachelorette (can't even be bothered to capitalize it) trainwreck came a callin' I caved *hangs head*.  Even worse?  I dvr'd that mother to watch Tuesday night.  Confessional over and out.

Let's begin with a brief summary of immediate thoughts/reactions:

1. Ohhhhhh gawwwwd she's still bawling over Bentley? (cue eyes and ears bleeding)
2. Does Ashley ever wear pants?
3. Does Ashley realize Bentley is gone?
4. What exactly is a "man claw"?
5. Where are my pills?
6. Ashley is barely clothed for her meeting with the Thai date planner. *dies inside*
7. These men behave like women.
8. Will she ever stop blathering on about Bentley? help me
9. Constantine is an advocate for the word 'like'.
10. Ashley has arrived to the group date in a mesh covered bikini.  Hooker.
11.  OMG this fool is going to tell her date she's still thinking about Bentley.  Is this over yet?
12. Ames seems like quite an intelligent man.  Why is he on this show?
13. Does Ashley know the meaning of the word "intuition"?
14. I wonder if Ashley will kick Chris Harrison in the nuts after seeing what a fool he's making of her.
15.  Better question...(dot dot dot annoyballs) I wonder if she even realizes it??

The show opens and within three minutes she's back on the short bus bawling over Bentley -- at this point I begin yawning because it's telltale...his a** will be back within two weeks.  Why on earth has no one told this fool Ashley that Bentley can't stand her? One word:  ratings.

Next up Harrison strolls into the boypad mumbling something along the lines of 'you all must know how serious she is by now.' When were they supposed to catch that - before or after the flashmob date she planned revealing her dance aspirations? Um, Chris Harrison everyone knows she's not serious seeing as she's been clinging to a hairball Bentley up until this point and blatantly bawling her eyes out ever since his departure.  They just want their free trip.  Hand it over.

Cut to scene and Ashley's in Phuket wearing some barely there top and shorts. I blocked out the rest cringing at what the poor Thai lady must have thought of American women based on the mess otherwise known as half-naked Ashley.  Clearly ABC has some deal with Phuket to provide aid, etc. however they send a representative with next to no clothing to be the main face *cringe*.  Blah blah blah and we're at the men's accommodations where they try to one up each other like cats in a bag over who's kissed her and who hasn't.  Oh wait. Imagine that?  Everyone has, except Ames and a couple other guys who haven't gotten more than 2 seconds of nervous glance airtime.  I gagged a little at this point and hit FF on the dvr.  Do these men not realize they're all basically kissing each other?  Pride is dead.

First lucky date:

In a word: noooooooooooooooooooooooo.  Or is that like?  He seems to be a nice guy, she seems to be bored to tears.  Oh wait, she gives him a rose.  Of course she did.  His hair reminds her of Bentley.  She can't stop thinking about him and wonders if she should tell Constantine her feelings.  That's all I remember about this one because I slept through it--I was just following Ashley's lead.  To sum up:  Like.  He said it about 50 times.  Poor thing.  Casualty of bachelorette filler rose--easier to heartlessly badger and then snip the poor guy whose wife passed away. 

Next it's the Group Date aka the place where men shamelessly backstab each other like women over some broad who doesn't like any of them anyway.  Or so she says seeing as she can't stop thinking about Bentley.  Except when she's getting her magical kissing in with JP who is hands down the best kisser, but two seconds later she's back on the Bentley violin playing right into the script of his return.  So predictable.  I sum the Group date up with men bickering and this:

Ashley in her mesh with JP in the rain making out wildly on the beach less than 50 feet away from all the other guys, but less than 3 ft away from the cameras.  10 minutes later she rips off her mesh and goes frolicking into a pool with all the men racing behind her as she splashes around.  Awkward.  Earlier they also did some wonderful charity work for a Children's orphanage called Baan San Fan and some other guy who looks like Constantine got a rose.  Theme:  she's tossing roses at anyone who has hair like Bentley or kisses like him.  shakes head.

Final date:  Ames or as I like to call him, "SHOCKER HOW DID THIS GEM GET ON THE SHOW?"

At first I thought he looked a little cuckoo, but this guy is off the hook.  He is smart, reeks of an Ivy League education, well-spoken, thoughtful, confident yet not overly secure, and what on earth is he getting caught up in this for? *might be a red flag* He is, at this point, the most well-mannered of the bunch and the most well-rounded.  If she doesn't pick him she's nuts.  JP's my gut choice.  I bet it's him--he would be much more inclined to go along with her Hollywood aspirations without any push back.  Ames is a Portfolio Manager so he is not moving to LA to do a flashmob.  Is flashmob one word or two?  By the way--best date ever.  Kayaking through those tunnels? Wow.  Chris Harrison should be giving us all a trip to Phuket for sitting through the Bentley diatribes.  

Now for the best part of the night.  The clincher >>> Chris asks Ashley if she's over Bentley yet?
Somebody keep me from gouging my own eyes out.  Really Chris, REALLY?? How much more can we take?  Just spill it already! You're bringing him back next week. Yawwwwwn.  

Ashley's response (paraphrased): I'm not over him, our connection was so great, I was certain he was The One (there she goes with that again), my intuition says there's something more there.

Pause and reflect.  Now pray tell dear Ashley where on earth has your mighty intuition been up until this point?  Can someone please tell this child she doesn't have any intuition?? If she did she would know Bentley was a pig.  She would know not to get hung up on someone she's been warned about.  She would have the gut feeling he was a liar and that he, essentially, cannot stand her.  Intuition my foot!!  I laughed out loud.  She's out to lunch.  And not with her intuition.

Moments later I then wept as she relentlessly swept poor West out the door without so much as a heartfelt goodbye after badgering him about his readiness for a relationship after the death of his wife.  Not only is Ashley on my nerves, I think this experience has gone to her head despite her constant claims of insecurity.

Stay tuned for next week when Bentley returns.  Yes it was the "big reveal" at the end of the show and am I the only one who thought she was totally faking when they told her he was back in the hotel?? She knew it--my intuition told me.


Mrs. Julius said...

Seriously, you have to keep watching this show because I LOVE reading your write up about it!lol I was nodding and laughing my head off the whole time reading this bc I agree with you 100% on everything!! Ashley annoys the hell out of me! Why did they pick someone so immature and insecure to be the Bachelorette? Every 2mins I heard her mention Bentley! She must feel so stupid watching herself now. She is the worst dressed ever on that show. I can't stand watching her but I had to watch it cuz they are in Thailand. I enjoy seeing where they travel to in the end. Can't wait to see Fiji!

Anyhow, sorry for the long ass comment. Just had to tell u how much I've enjoyed reading it. Lol

P.S. Ames is so intelligent and so humbled...he's way too good for her.

Anonymous said...

I think the whole Bentley thing is completely staged. Ames is the best of the bunch. He seems too good for the show. Is it just me or do you sense that Chris totally has the hots for Ashley? She's a whiner. xo

Judy C said...

If you enjoy it don't feel bad about doing it. It just takes away from your enjoyment. My guilty thing is that I have watched a few episodes of Jerseylicious. My only regret is the waste of precious time and the absolute disdain I now have for all things New Jersey.

Kate said...

HAHA! I love that you're watching. You'll make fun, but you won't be able to pull yourself away. My vote so far is for JP. I don't understand why the Canadian with the strange blonde/gray curly hair and super tired eyes who hasn't said a single thing to the camera yet is still there. (It makes me cringe how Canada is represented on this show... I'm guessing you didn't see Ally's season when there was a Canadian wrestler with a broken foot who had a girlfriend back home and totally made an ass of himself.) I'd say it's a waste of time, but really, what else am I doing from 9-11pm on a Monday night?

Daisy said...

i love your recap. keep these up!

Cool Gal said...

I thought it was just awful the show allowed her to hand out 9 roses (breaking the rules) thus sending just one guy home. My heart was breaking for West. How humiliating. She's not worth it.

Bentley could be the biggest jerk on the planet, but she's the biggest fool.

I don't know why I watch it.

I.Q. dropping!

Great recap!

Closet Fashionista said...

Haha oh dear, I'm glad I've never sat down to watch this XDXD
But I do enjoy your recaps, haha :)

Cara said...

my thoughts EXACTLY! You could not have said it better!
Lilac and Grey

Ashleigh said...

You hit the nail on the head with all of the above! I too have wondered about her intuition... As if Bentley's attitude in her prescence didn't give it away, his body language obvious. She was warned!! "Love" is blind I guess...

Micah said...

Ames is ugly. Also, he hits my gaydar. Maybe he came on there to meet men. I don't know.

My favorite is gone, but I'm rooting for J.P. now.

Courtney Erin said...

I seriously need to start watching this...I feel like it would be such a nice compliment to my Real Housewives addiction.

xoxo ~ Courtney

Evie said...

ahhhhhh hahahahaha. That was hilarious! I am guilty of watching it too, but this season is turrrrible. I cannot stand how little clothes she wears in Thailand...glad I'm not the only one thinking it...the Thai people are going to think that all American women are ladies of the night. I can't deal with Ashley's insecurities!

Marie a la Mode said...

You are too funny Carrie. You should recap Monday night every week ; ) I'm interviewing Shawntal Newton (the girl who works in a funeral home, from the last season of The Bachelor with Brad), is there anything you want me to ask her about filming the show? Let me know!

P.S. I really hope she picks J.P.! And I don't think Ashley ever wears pants.

Chic 'n Cheap Living said...

I just love your recaps.

Sorry for the lack of visits. Traveling, helping your parents clean for renovations, and fitting in lots of shopping competed with blogging big time!

p.s. I bet you'd have awesome pictures and comments on instagram if you were on it!

Chic 'n Cheap Living

Anonymous said...

HAHAHAHH i have been waiting for this "review". and it didnt fail to entertain me.

i SOO agree with you about Ames. actually going into this episode i wondered why him and his fake teeth were still there. after that date, he became my #1...but like you, i wonder why in the hell he even went on this show.

and i was disgusted when she went dressed like that to the thai lady in the hotel. i thought i was the only one to catch it...evidently not!!!!

Isabel said...

i didnt see it AGAIN. im going to watch it tonight! lol

ruthy ann said...

best. recap. EVER

Bella @Bellgetsreal said...

Whew, what a show. I am going with JP, I think he is adorable.

Anonymous said...

This is making me want to see The Bachelorette. I feel I need to see such ridiculousness with my own eyes...

LifestyleBohemia said...

I am so tempted to read this entire post but I dvr'd last monday's spisode and have yet to watch it. Will def watch it later today!

Carissa @ the Fabulous Design File said...

Best recap ever!!!! Seriously. You nailed it. As soon as I heard that the bachelorette was Ashley I KNEW it would be painful. But I still can't stop watching.

The Suburb Experiment said...

I love your recaps! I really like Ames but I don't think there's any chemistry there. It was so nice to hear someone talk about real things on a date instead of the "journey" and "taking it to the next level". I'm soooo tired of Bentley talk - I wish someone else was the Bachelorette (like Shawntel) who would have seen through his ridiculous schtick and nipped it in the bud.

And her clothes? Makes me think she has zero interest in actually being a dentist and will move to LA in .02 seconds after this show airs to pursue a career in entertainment. A stint on Dancing With The Stars, perhaps?


Kai.Mercado. said...

Lol! YOU capture my thoughts on the show perfectly! You don't watch The Bachelorette in hopes that she seriously will find love, you watch because it is pure entertainment and comedy. But seriously, she is dumb.

The Blonde @ Stylish3 said...

this post seriously brightened my day. i'm so glad to know i'm not teh only one who thinks ashley is CRAZY. i can't wait to watch the reunion episode...

please make bachelorette re-caps a weekly thing!

p.s. don't forget to entery my giveaway!

Krystal said...

please continue to do these updates, i love watching this through you, haha!!
p.s. i'm so sorry i haven't been able to visit the past few days :( we have been so busy with visitors and traveling, is this month over yet?????
miss you!

la petite coquine said...

Can I tell you how much I love getting your perspective on this? Because it's AMAZING, and I feel like I'm reading my own thoughts. John actually said, "That girl dresses so slutty!" which was a relief, because I didn't have to say it!

I do not understand why Chris Harrison won't just play her some of those interviews with Bentley, because really, it's getting embarrassing. Good grief, let him go already! You knew him for 3 weeks!

Dancing Branflake said...

Haha! I know what you mean. You find a normal guy on the show and then you think "Wait, if he's on the show then he's probably not normal."

Josie said...

Carrie... I think I have to start watching this show because your scathing reviews have piqued my interest. Maybe having their opposite effect. Regardless, I must see this ridiculousness for myself!
xo Josie

Marcie said...

I'm dying over here!! If she says one more time to a group of young guys, "I think my husband is here" (high squeaky voice) I am going to die. Girl is clueless!

Marcie said...

We would have fun watching the show together. If only we were neighbors. (plus Jimmy would appreciate not having to listen to my groans and constant eye rolls.

Anonymous said...

I haven't watched The Bachelor/Bachelorette in years but with all this Bentley talk between you and my mom (the woman is obsessed, I tell you!), I might get lured in. It sounds crazy!

this free bird said...

it is insane. and i'm becoming from watching...

My Heart Blogged said...

This lady sounds crazy, and she deserves whatever weirdo she picks. I am kind of glad to get the play by play so I don't even have to tune in haha.

Jess said...

Oh my gosh, Carrie, I was laughing so hard at this that my husband made me re-read it out loud to him. HILARIOUS! And everything you wrote is right on... it's been seriously painful to watch.

Oh, and I started crying when West was telling the story about his wife dying. Crying all the way up until I read on that he was suspected (by her parents) of killing his, what?!,,20497138,00.html


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