Tuesday, June 21, 2011

The Bachelorette: What the Hell Was That?

I'm sitting here dumbfounded.  I honestly don't know what I'm going to write.

Ashley's a duh  head.  Okay there's a start.  Pull up a chair and let's discuss.

Other immediate thoughts:
1. Every one of them is too good for her.
2. Have all these guys been on the past couple weeks??  I swear there are 3 I've never seen before.
3. My mind is numb.
4. Ashley deserves Bentley.
5. Who even PUT a pair of pink shorts in that boxing layout??
6. Nervous giggles are for 2nd graders *ahem Ashley*
7. William is rat b*stard.
8. Buh-bye William!
9. Can Ashley think for herself?
10. Can Ashley think?
11. Does Ashley know what pants are?
12. Is there not a wardrobe stylist attached to this show?
13. Is Chris Harrison in love with Ashley??
14. Pills please.  Ben F can share his with me.
15. I thought those b*tches at ABC told me Bentley was this week?? I have to watch this mess AGAIN NEXT WEEK??
16. I really don't know if I can do it.  My head's aching and I feel like I ate garbage.

Welp, here's how I'd sum up tonight:  BUZZKILL.

The show opens and it's over before it starts.  Ryan goes off on how exciting it is to be flying around all over the world looking for love, quickly adding "following Ashley".  Tell on yourself much?  Off they go to Chiang Mai where Nick states he wants to take the relationship to the next level.  Um Nick, have I seen you before?  More importantly does Ashley know you're on the show?  You better dye your hair and curl it or you're out the door.  You don't look anything like Bentley.   Speaking of Ashley here she comes in one of Bentley's old shirts belted at the waist.  You know, the one she pilfered from his bag as he tried to shake her from his leg as he ran out the door.  Why me?  Once again Ashley makes zero sense as she's clearly miserable yet states if things keep going the way they have been this could be a very happy ending for her...she's medicated.

Next thing you know Chris Harrison pops into the man pad announcing the the date rundown.

  • A one-on-one
  • A group date
  • A dreaded two-on one date where one of them gets sent packing.
Men become women and begin quaking over who's going to get the dreaded two-on-one.  I want to slap all of them and scream, "she doesn't like any of you fools!!" Instead I try desperately to fast forward a show that is only just being recorded.  Help me

First up we have Ben F.
*Notice I can't even be bothered to seek out appropriately sized images.  
That's how exasperated I am right now.* 

Date summary:  zzzzzzzzz.  I almost fell asleep 3x. Here's what I remember:  Ashley rolls in wearing some atrocious pink top and a white skirt that does not cover her rear end.  No it did not.  All the men go ga-ga over her chemistry with Ben F.  Little do they know she's in love with his hair because it reminds her of Bentley.  Ben/Bentley--don't tell me you didn't catch that correlation.  He wants to build on the foundation of love.  I see he's wearing Crocs and zone out.  I come to and they're cruising the market.  Her butt's hanging out keeping watch on what's to the rear.  I'm embarrassed for America.  They stand outside an ancient temple, the camera pans up her skirt.  Thankfully she's in the distance.  They sit on the bench, the camera crew can't film the side of her leg because her uncovered *ss is quite literally on the bench seeing has her skirt is too short to cover it.  Despite her sacrilegious skirt at the temple she claims they cannot kiss because they are on sacred ground.  Instead they kiss mentally.  SOS.    I come to and they're on part two of the date.  Hold the phone:  she's wearing pants.  He says something about being an emotional zombie last year.  I concur on the zombie part.  She says he's saying all the right things and for the first time in a long time (you know since yesterday when she almost sucked JP's face off on the beach in front of everyone) she's feeling hopeful.  I'm feeling the need to check myself  into a mental hospital.

Date Two:  The Group Date

That's how we're going to sum it up.

Ashley's planned a day of Muay Thai which is essentially kickboxing + regular boxing + b*tch slapping to the death.  After some practice with professionals it is apparent that Ames is going down.  Between Harvard and Yale he's never even had time to fight, much less scrap around in a ring with a bunch of meatheads who want to prove themselves to someone who couldn't give a rip about a single one of them.  She's taken the liberty to lay out gear for them...one of these outfits is pink and Ames, of course, gets it.  After being taken in an open air taxi to a ring in the middle of town square, Ames can be seen frantically searching for his credit cards and/or the trap door to escape back to the Hamptons.  Everyone's paired off to take their turn fighting each other as Ashley squeals on the side claiming she doesn't like it.  Line of the night award goes to Lucas:  "You're the one who set up the date".  Gotta love those oil patch kids.  I'll skip the details because who cares about boxing.  Bottom line:  Ames gets thumped in the head several times by Ryan the desperate lunatic and moments later is whooshed away by Medivac to the emergency room.  

Ashley's really scared right now...so scared she doesn't accompany Ames to hospital despite the fact that he has clearly had his bell rung (no pun intended). She has no time.  She needs to speed this thing up and get it over with:  Is Bentley back yet??  Two seconds later we flash forward to the evening/cocktail party gathering of the date.  Ashley arrives in her black t-shirt, hair flapping in the wind.  She hopes Ames is there so it doesn't ruin the mood.  Self-absorbed much?  Ryan the beater proceeds to show her all the damage Ames did to him...uh Ames was a set of flailing arms and legs.  He didn't connect once thereby proving that Ryan beat himself up in his room to further himself in the race to Ashley giving him the hand and sending him home.  Blah blah blah Ames shows up with a concussion.  It's actually sad.   Blake whines about something and gets a rose.   End scene.

The Dueling Death Date--whose gonna get the rose??

  The Roaster 
                          Mr. Flash Mob

William's had his man claws out ever since this date was announced.  Off they go paddling Ashley down the river and William's p*ssed!  He's paddling in front while she sits closer to back where Ben C.'s paddling.  He's doing all the weeeeerk.  *Except the little Thai man wading down river next to you is guiding your raft in the water because neither of you can paddle worth sh*t*.  Pardon my French.  Within moments of docking William wants a moment of Ashley's time.  He doesn't want to throw Ben under the bus, but you know Ashley Ben's been telling everyone he can't wait for this to be over and he's gonna get busy internet dating once back at home.  Oh.hell.no.he.did.not.just.pull.this.  Oh yes he did.  She, of course, takes the bait and cuts the date short snipping Ben on the spot without giving him a chance to defend himself.  She's on her broom tonight folks.  By this time Ben is equally, if not more, disgusted with her and sails off.  Moment's later it's night time.  Ashley's wearing a short pink spandex t-shirt and no pants as she and William sit down to dinner.  Moments later she ruthlessly snips him too, takes her broom and sweeps his sorry behind into the van with barely a bye bye muttered in her baby voice.  William calls himself a bunch of names as he speeds off--admitting he's a loser, a child, and wants to go to bed and never wake up.  Hope ABC has PTSD counseling for these people.  This guy has serious issues...and to think he was her favorite at one point.  Big shocker.

Back at the ranch Ashley's insecurities are rearing their ugly head yet again.  She's a raging lunatic.  Out she stomps in yet another t-shirt and some cheesy stripper heels blabbing on about how not everyone is going to love her, but they need to be real.  FAIL Ashley FAIL.  Newsflash Ashley:  men do not find massive unjustified insecurity to be attractive.  At this point all remaining look at each other with the crazy eyes knowing she's missed her afternoon pills.  She fakes a few conversations with Ryan the cuckoo bird, Nick the fuzz mop who she all but told was going to be sent packing, and JP who she clams to like but, of course, dun dun dun---can't stop thinking about Bentley.  

At this point I glance up and there are 12 minutes left.  Where the hell is Bentley?? Chris Harrison promised me Bentley this week.  How is she supposed to do a rose ceremony PLUS have a massive breakdown in just over 10 minutes.  I've been robbed!!  She and Chris sit down to have a have a heart to heart dot dot dot about Bentley.  Harrison looks like he's falling in love with her.  I see it with my own two eyes--that guy looks like he's under the Ashley spell.  Those $5 boxes of wine are wreaking havoc everywhere in Bachelorette land!!  Once again she's going on about her intuition (which is non-existent), her connection with Bentley (also coincidentally non-existent) and how she "just doesn't know what's going to happen".  No duh lady.  I'll tell you what's going to happen:  I'm going to lose my mind and rip my hair out watching you make a bumbling a** of yourself on national television!! Flash forward and Nick gets snipped.  He's devastated despite having pretty much been told point blank to bugger off just moments earlier.  Apparently intuition is dead everywhere because he was pretty sure they were falling in love even though he's only talked with her for two seconds once before when he got out of the limo two weeks ago.  What on earth?

Next stop:  Hong Kong and the return of Bentley.  How much you want to bet they drag that out until the second to last show?  I really and truly might be over this sniveling mess otherwise known as Ashley.  She doesn't know if she's going to end up with anyone and that just scares her.  Why??  Ya came in with no one anyway, you're seeing the world in the fanciest way possible, and you're showing a massive audience your lack of pants collection on a weekly basis.  Can someone cancel this show?? I want a new bachelorette.  I want a drink.  I want my mom.  *whimper*


Katie said...

She sounds like a hot mess AND she doesn't ever wear pants? I can't even.

Poppies and Sunshine said...

I'm glad I'm not the only one who thought Bentley was supposed to be on this week. I could barely stand this one tonight. She's always feeling "off" it seems and in dazed and confused mode.

this free bird said...

Oh Katie--I have never seen anyone walk about so shamelessly with her a** waving around in the breeze. She's a wreck!!

And Shawna--Mmmmkay?? They are totally dragging this out due to Ashley's inabilities to "bring it". She IS dazed and confused. I totally see it--and then midway through I begin to feel like a vacuum has slowly been sucking my brains out.

My head actually hurts.


Dancing Branflake said...

I bet ABC is wondering why they picked Ashley. Seriously, I could even tell she was star material. Come on, reality television! Let's see what you got!

Laura said...

hahaha. omg. That's why i stopped watching that show years ago. What a mess. That gave me a headache to even keep straight. And whats this about her not wearing pants??? Thanks for the update though... lol :) It was much better to read your version of it than even think about watching the show!


jamie-lee said...

LOL love this sum up of the bachelorette, I haven't watched it in years although am kind of tempted to now.. haha

Marcela said...

Dammit, now I wanna see that show. I always feel so smart watching dumb women!

Respect btw. For that you didnt know what to write, this post became quite long ;-)


Much to My Delight said...

My question is: Do guys really go on this show to meet their wife? I know that douchenozzle Bentley didn't, but what about the others? I have a hard time suspending disbelief with this show, but you recap it most excellently.

Brenna [fabuleuxdestin] said...

I am so shameless and watched up to episode three in france last night. i was so disgusted with ashley, she is a horrible role model for women, and i am pretty sure her situation (smart dentist outgoing but NOOOO dating skills and extremely insecure) is what's happening to a lot of women and it's sad.

i'm glad to hear she screwed up with ben because he's all mine.

ashley cannot be trusted with the opposite sex, so i can only imagine what cursing will ensue when I inevitably watch the next few episodes. wish i could watch with you we could complain together!!!

Judy C said...

I don't watch the show but I feel like I haven't missed it. You did an awesome summary. I think I understand now why soap operas are no longer so popular. They have moved to nighttime and are calling themselves reality TV.

Debby said...

I have come to the conclusion that I can't stand Ashley. This girl wouldn't know love if it hit her in the face. Ames is too good and classy for that show. I thought she should have got her scrawny as* in the ambulance and made sure he was o.k. Yes, she deserves Bentley. xo

kimbirdy said...

haha, i love how much you hate the show, and yet how addictive it's become for you. i guess it just shows how hard it is to look away when something grotesque is happening right in front of you. i get that. :)

Staley Mc said...

This post made me laugh, I love reading your recaps!

I haven't regularly been watching but I caught it last night and I just really can't stand Ashley. She's so hung up on Bentley when he was so not into her. How can she be so dumb?

TheChambrayCountess said...

I don't watch this show, but your recaps make me want to...except that I am sure your recaps are far more entertaining than the show!

Erika @ ~TiptoeButterfly~ said...

ok i read a few sentences - realized it's all about the bachlor show - NO CLUE what goes on with it - so i admit i didn't read ur full post - SORRY love - but i got a giveaway RIGHT up ur ally!

*kiss kiss*
Erika~Tiptoe Butterfly~

Please stop by and join~Light as a Feather Necklace Give-Away~ Open to EVERYONE! Almost $50 value

Courtney Erin said...

Alright, that tears it. I need to start watching. You had me with she doesn't know what pants are. I will watch for that alone.

xoxo ~ Courtney

Megan said...

ill be honest, i was going to ignore your blog post today because i havent seen the episode yet. but in all reality...do i WANT to watch it? no, not really. so i am using your rants as my means of watching it. it looks like the episode went as expected. pathetic. ohhh so pathetic.

and i couldnt agree with you MORE. she deserves bentley. absolutely deserves him. i hope he strings her along a bit more...just because obviously i like some good TV ;-)

Caroline said...

You are right on all accounts!! I felt the exact same way ... the show is one big let down. HAHA any who ... have a great day! xo!

Daisy said...

how is she such a mess? how on earth is the show getting worse and not better. never in history has it been this bad. meanwhile, i felt SO BAD for Ames and yea whoever said the line about "you picked the date" hands down gets best line of the night award. that date was just plain awful. all the dates were this week.

I have a prediction about who wins. we should take bets. hahha

Ellie said...

I don't watch the show, but they sound crazy!


Ms. Givens said...

I havent watched TV in over a year.
Can you believe that?
My favorite was "Amazing Race" when I did.

The Blonde @ Stylish3 said...

please don't stop watching the show! i treasure your re-caps!

Kai.Mercado. said...

hahaha your recaps make my whole entire life complete!! I think we have the same exact mind! She is embarrassing women EVERYWHERE...and she never wears clothes. ever. We get it, Ashley, you have abs. Congrats.

You know what is hilarious...she is watching this right along with us. She is probably SO humiliated.

mrs.anketell said...

Thanks for the laughs, while i am at work:) the show is like a car accident; you simply cannot take your eyes off it! Ashley is SO dumb and of COURSE they will keep Bently on, to keep the drama going. My personal fave is JP--he is quite hot, and somewhat "normal" right??!!

Marie a la Mode said...

I love your re-caps! Ashley is really insecure, I agree. I wish Shawntel would have been The Bachelorette this season.

Josie said...

Soooo. Your recaps? Officially a million times more entertaining than the actual show.
xo Josie

Leeann @ Join the Gossip said...

Bahaha! Yeah WTF is up with this season. I want Bentley to come back because he cracks me up! Any dude that's more worried about his hair than breaking a girl's heart (Ashley is the only one it's OK for, otherwise it wouldn't be cool) is primetime TV-worthy. Agreed that those bastards teased us with him appearing last night. I will say that the dude have gotten more attractive. I liked William...until he spoke a few weeks back lol.

Nikki said...

Nice recap. I don't even need to watch it now! ;)

ag. said...

This is THE BEST way to get the Bachelorette gossip...and I feel much more entertaining than the show itself!

la petite coquine said...

You're TRAPPED! Just a few weeks ago you swore it off forever, but now you see the fascinating WEB IT WEAVES. You want it to stop, but it's like a terrible traffic accident-you can't look away!

Lisa Griffin said...

I'm so glad i'm not the only one who lost an hour of my evening! i think ashley should be revoked, and any of the men who spray tanned

Greta said...

LOL -- thanks for this very entertaining recap of last night's disasterous episode!!! :)

Kate said...

I'm with you on the promise fail that was Bentley reappearing this week. Where the heck was he? I'll be watching every week regardless, but still, I am curious as to what will go down. While I have watched multiple seasons of this show, I will say that Ashley is an absolute mess of a bachelorette. Usually, the bachelor/bachelorette is an all around attractive human being - physically attractive, confident, and uh, not an emotional insecure wreck. I think she should just pick JP now and call it quits.


Although I can't contribute to this at all cause I haven't ever watched this show..I can tell just from the promos this chick bugs!!


Haha you're literally killing me! You've nailed it on the head. Wish they'd just cancel it before they inflict any more pain! We need a new one STAT! :)

Ms. Emily Ann said...

Haha, you hit the nail on the head with this post! Ashley has been driving me craaaaazzzy! She has such a great group of guys, get over Bentley already!

Kara said...

Ya.. where in the world was Bentley this week? I'm really curious to see what goes down with him- he looked happy to see her when he opened the door... how's he gonna play this one?? This season is so depressing- those poor guys.

Kristin said...

I only watched five minutes of it and I was disgusted!

meghan said...

I'm going to go ahead and agree with everyone above who asked that you not stop watching. The recap is hilarious and I need this dry sense of humor to get out of the confused state I sit in at 10 PM every Monday night. She's insane. I wish all the men would just stage a rebellion and leave her alone at the rose ceremony. That's good tv.

My Heart Blogged said...

Maybe next season they ill try something like getting a woman with a career, and some damn pants.

Mrs. Julius said...

omg. I felt so bad for Ames! It was so sad. That's the stupidest date ever. Like wtf was she thinking getting those guys to fight for her? She's so freakin retarded I just wanna slap her in the face! lol. I can't believe she didn't go with Ames to the hospital either! What a selfish loser!

And I totally thought Bentley was going to be on this last show too! Urgh. I wish all the guys would just leave her and she would be left with nothing.

I can't wait to read what you have to say after the next show! hahahah

Marcie said...

It's official. I am dumber for watching this!

kris said...

If the show's on next week, let's go to dinner in LA instead. It's an addiction that CAN BE CURED. Try Housewives . . . ; )

Carissa @ the Fabulous Design File said...

Hahaha!!! I so agree with Josie that your recap was FAR more entertaining than the show was last night.

love jenny xoxo said...

lol i love your recap!!! Seriously this season is sucking worst than ever!! You know it's bad when the producers could find any good material for the previews they had to put the Bentley stuff in!


Cara said...

can we kick Ashley off and make Ames the Bachelor!? Thanks!

Cara said...

PS. If Ames is the bachelor can I be a contestant...oh wait, I am married ;P

Jessica @ Beautify My Life said...

I am days late on this, but I love you. That is all.

Anonymous said...

Ashley needs a stylist. Those short skirts and bowed legs don't get it. Wonder how she will feel when the show plays back and she sees what Bentley really thinks of her. Could it be "stupid"?


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