The Bachelorette Recap: She's Come So Far and Still Has No Clue

Line of the night goes to Jill Zarin (speaking to Alex McCord aka hag) :  You are an effin' b*tch.

Wait a second.  Wrong show. Far better though--and TRUE THAT JILL ZARIN! #fave

What can I say?  Half my brains are mush from watching ABC stretch 7 minutes of programming over 2 hours yet again tonight on the Bachelorette.  Thank God in heaven this trainwreck is almost over.  For the record this may be the shortest recap in Bachelorette history.  You can thank me later.

Scene opens and I don't know what happened because I was in the kitchen making guacamole.  Three minutes later I roll around the corner to Ashley Bachelorette recapping her final 3 bachelors:  Constantine's buff and everything she's ever looked for, Ben's learned a lot from his dad's death and has really opened up emotionally, and JP's a model for what she wants:  a grown man. Yaaaaaaawn.  Second verse same as the first.

Next thing you know Ashley Bachelorette's getting ready to head out on her first Fiji date with Ben when there's a knock at the door and guess who's back?  This is not a trick question.

None other than Mr. Crazy eyes himself.

After a commercial break the scene opens to Mr. Big eyes aka crazy loon stalking the forest a la John Lock from a scene straight out of LOST (cue *those were the days*, you know, of real television).  He's back because he needs to hear from Ashley that it's truly over.  Really?  I'm pretty sure she just told you 4 days ago.  Suddenly it hits me--this guy is the male version of Ashley pining away over Bentley and I commence hoping for a massive breakdown, something, anything to keep me engaged.  Summary:  he gives his spiel to Ashley who tells him she's really missed him, but go to your room and wait until I can figure out if I need to keep you around after all have a minute to talk to you.  Days go by and the wheels begin to fall off his bus...

Meanwhile it's time to get down to biznass with Ben's date.  We see her waiting on a dock in a bad version of my awesome white maxi skirt and her, of course, bikini top.  She's taking him out on a pimp yacht for the day.  It does look kind of fabulous, if you want the truth.  True to form Ashley begins yammering on about her insecurities:  she's terrified of his mom.  Guess what?  He's terrified too--because his mom is an excellent judge of character and I'm sure he was concerned the woman would see right through you Ashley Bachelorette.  He smoothes it over, I accidentally switch the channel and my tv misses the remainder of the time on the yacht.  Woops!  No biggie seeing as it was just more of the usual:

Ashley acting like a ho. 

*Yaaaaaaawns again*

When I get back on ABC they're getting off the boat, Ben thinks the day's been 'hysterically perfect' and I'm left wondering if that's like a hysterical uterus, which coincidentally I have no clue on either.  At the resort for dinner Ashley has squirrel eyes without make-up, he's not ready to say he loves her, they go to the fantasy suite, emerge in bathing suits, he swirls her around in the fantasy pool before barely heaving her out of the water and carting her off to the sack as she yammers on about this could be her happy ending.  Meanwhile I'm still back on Ryan--has he completely lost it yet?  Is he going to pop out of the bushes and go ballistic?  COME ON CHRIS HARRISON.  But instead we get nothing.  We've been robbed yet.again.

Next thing you know Ashley's standing in some grassy field barely clothed while something like Reggae music plays.  Is there a band?  They're not in Jamaica. What is going on??  Please say it's not another flashmob.  Nope there's Constantine.  Why does he have sneakers on?  He mentions his Euromullet.  I'm concerned that he's not revealing his feet.  Red flag.  They fly off in a helicopter to have an aerial tour of Fiji.  She blathers on about sitting next to a Greek God while he talks about her 'crushing his bucket list'. Meanwhile down below on the ground (it really couldn't get any better) Ryan's screws are looser than ever as he watches the helicopter fly over and gets pissy over waiting and waiting and waiting for her to show.

One day you're in.

The helicopter lands and Ashley and Constantine jump off a cliff into the falls.  He's still got his sneakers on hiding what, at this point I've come to suspect, are hideous feet.  Emerging from the stream she immediately tries to force his hand by harping at him about taking too long to select a house-thereby insinuating he's taking too long to drool over her and time is running out dammit!! Do you love me yet or no-ooooot Demitri?  I mean Constantine.  Word of advice here Ashley:  Did you not notice the man is dominant in Greek culture?  This thing is dead in the water.  

And the next day you're out.

Summary:  Mere seconds after sitting down to dinner she continues ragging him to death about not being consumed by his emotions.  Why doesn't he hold her ha-and?  How old is this chick?  Hats off to Constantine who says he has no problem showing his emotions when they come naturally.  'It's like instinctive'--and he has zero instincts for her.  She shamelessly asks where this leaves them as he excuses himself from the table while she sits there dumbstruck.  AHAHAHAHAHA!! This is what we here at the bird refer to as 'snip reversal'.  And in Ashley Bachelorette fashion her insecurities rage like a teenage boy's hormones as she wonders if either of the other two really even want to be with her.  *shakes head*

At this point I'm thinking she just might allow Ryan back into the fold. Nope. She's back on her broom and needs to reassert herself as the snipper.  Off she heads to Ryan's.  She calls him Ry, he calls her Ash.  Then she ruthlessly tells him she's got the two she wants and he's not one of them as she blows him a kiss and strolls off like she's in control.  Girl please. All you did was double up on the meds that morning.

And finally we have JP.  They see each other, hang all over each other, she tells him it was an emotional week, he looks like he's going to have a breakdown, but the seaplane shows up and all is momentarily forgotten.  Wait a second.  Didn't Constantine just have this same tour only by helicopter?  I hope it's an omen.  No dice.  They land on an island all to themselves.  His insecurities rage as he blathers on about wanting it all to be over and the two of them are together.  She gives it away:  do you want to live in Fiji or New York?  All the while the most annoying music plays in the background as he goes off about feeling like the world's ended and it's just the two of them.  Cringe

At the resort JP continues to display he is the male version of Asslee as she tells him she said buh-bye to 2 guys this week.  He thinks it's over!  He's won the game.  Sorry sucker--Ryan returned and got snipped again *insert look of disappointment*.  Continuing the passive aggressive game he refuses to say he loves her.  She practically begs him to tell her.  Next thing you know they're in the fantasy suite.

GAG

In true hooker form she retreats to the bathroom and emerges in Bentley's a white shirt with maybe some lingerie beneath.  Once again she starts talking in a baby voice as they sprawl out on the bed and make out while somewhere I hope Ben is thanking his lucky stars he did not end up with this tart.

In the parting scene she tries to act like Constantine dumping her was her idea, but the tapes don't lie honey and she has to admit it was all him.  Nice try. In an effort to save face (why start now?) she demands a rose ceremony where each guy has to 'seriously consider' if they're ready to move forward.  At this point I'm hoping Ben runs off as she forces both of them, and the viewing audience, to painfully wait through moments of silence while she, what?, tortures them into faking like they're really thinking over if they're going to give her a ring they don't have to pay for?  How dumb is this?? You have zero control Ashley. We get a side shot of her boob in the dress as both of them accept the roses and she yaps on and on about how far she's come but she still doesn't know what will happen in the end.  Meanwhile we have to painstakingly wait two weeks to watch her family pound into her head that Ben's too good for her while JP gets his way and two of the world's most insecure people sail off into the sunset.  

This is worse than Chinese water torture.