The Bachelorette: The Night We Kissed Quality Good-bye

I would like to begin tonight's recap by stating for the record that Ashley Bachelorette wore pants to every single hometown date thereby proving she knows what a hooker she looks like in those t-shirts she calls dresses.  If I was disgusted with her before I don't have words for what I am now.  Tonight's episode took the cake in so many different ways.  What stood out most to me is how completely self-centered Ashley is and how genuinely decent a couple of these guys really are.  They need to get off the show right now even though it's already wrapped.

Let's get down to business. Tonight's episode began with Ashley listing all the things she likes about each guy.  I can't remember all of them, only the most completely ridiculous ones: his build, he's a 'man' (no really? I thought he was a woman) his hair, his physique (yes she said both build and physique), and that their life would be rich (gold digger), he's unique, funny, never met anyone like him, unique, never met anyone like him.  Yes she said the same things repeatedly.

The best part:  after a whacked out description of the four remaining contenders they cut to her apartment in Philly where she's packing up to leave and, pardon me people, but that's temporary housing.  There was not a single personal touch in a studio of approximately 450 sq. ft.  There's no way she lives there.  Nice try ABC.  Her stuff's already in a Public Storage somewhere in LA.  You know I'm right.

Anyway first date's up and she's off to Georgia to meet Opa! (You'll see why I've renamed him in a hot minute).

image via starcasm
Can we be done with him already?  This is getting on my last nerve. 

 I'm about to turn off the tv, but the suspense of
her going up against his father's disapproval sucks me in.

Summary:  They  meet up in a park and the lack of sparks has me slipping into a coma.  Coming to I notice they are in "his restaurant" aka the place his father owns and makes him work because you know he's living at home rent-free. All I notice is the guy has such an over-inflated sense of self you could smell it a mile away.  She's mesmerized by his hair and doesn't notice.  They make a pizza in the kitchen, and she puts together a massive salad (he took her lead on kindergarten games from last week's date) while the wait staff looks on.  Seven to nine minutes later they take their pizza from the oven and head outside where they don't eat a bite, smooch for the female servers spying through the plastic plants and then head over to meet the fam who have the world's largest sign plastered outside welcoming him home.  He's 5 years old.

I'm gearing up for her to get grilled.  You know they want to see if she worships him.  The sister clearly does and I'm weirded out.  I'm waiting on daddio to go off about having kids and sure enough she didn't even get one bite of lamb chop in before he states Constantine is great with kids...and calls her Asslee.  I can't even make it up.  It gets better:  two seconds later the mother hauls Asslee away from the table and out for a chat the Greek Inquisition asking if she's ready for all this.  Asslee states she loves the family (has been there all of 15 minutes), but that's not what Mama Eleni means.  Oh hell no.  She wants to know if Asslee is ready to move there and work in the restaurant living with family.  It could not get any sweeter.  Asslee's on the spot.  Eyes glazed (am I at the winery yet?) Asslee states she has no problem relocating.  Suuuuuuuuuure.  This guy's a mercy snip when it's the final 3 and you know I'm right.  She's a dancer and nothing's getting in her way of DWTS which is not in Georgia.

Speaking of dancing.  Fresh off the hotspot Asslee settles into the sofa proclaiming her love for the family when the doorbell rings and the ENTIRE clan of 100 runs in smothering Constantine with kisses as they break into a giant Greek Opa! dancing circle while the sister states, 'I knew she'd catch on.  She's a dancer,' as the uncle tosses rolls of dollar bills into the air.  Priceless.  

Now is when I started to get bothered.  Next up:  Ben.

  

Despite his monotone voice, this guy has really grown on me.  He's a winemaker with incredible class and has been through a lot with the death of his father.  She's rambling on about his hair, his fashion and his sexy.  Really Ashley?  Are you 15 years old?  Gag.  If his mother and sister are watching this they have to be just sick to their stomachs hoping she did not pick him.

Ben takes her to his Winery, they sample wine, smooch it up and then eat a picnic lunch on a deck in the drizzling rain.  Romance.  I notice he's wearing brand new boat shoes (sans scuffs on bottom) and no socks.  I give him a pass on the no socks when he starts saying how it is of the utmost importance that his mother and sister like her because they are all he has.  A glimmer of hope. Cut to scene and they're at the house.  Why is Ashley wearing those ill-fitting cowboy boots? These people are educated, refined and no-nonsense.  Ashley admits, at the dinner table, that she fell for his hair.  I'm horrified.  The mother is not impressed.  Cut to scene and the sister is seriously questioning him in the kitchen while the mother shows Asslee family photos during which time she asks again if he's always had this hair...oh yes she did.  The mother gives her the most bewildered look.  Asslee 0; Family 462849

All I remember next is Ben telling his mom how he didn't handle his dad's death very well and should have been there for her more than he was, and how sorry he is and wishes he could re-do it.  Then he cries to the camera talking about how much he loves and misses his dad, and wishes he could be there to share in everything going on.  He cried.  I cried.  I bet a lot of America cried.  I'll cry even harder if Asslee picks him because he deserves so much more.  I bet his family told him so, too. PLEASE

From here we head to Mr. Romance/Manners/Intelligence/Man of Many Facial Expressions

Look at this business.  The guy is off the hook.

I'm going to take it to the mattresses for Ames.  The only thing she got right is that he is truly unique and there is no one like him.  How someone of his intelligence could fall head over gushing heels for the likes of Asslee goes to show how isolation in this process leads one to lose the ability to reason.

They enter the house and you can immediately tell his family is put together.  They are well-spoken, cultured and intelligent.  The sister is not stroking Ashley's ego and Ashley does not like it.  They go to chat by the indoor pool and Ashley is mesmerized by this phenomenon barely able to focus on the questions being fired at her.  There's no getting by the sister.  She sees the way her brother is looking at Asslee and Asslee is not looking back the same way.  Asslee, being the gutless wonder she is, admits this relationship is moving slower than the others forewarning of the upcoming rose ceremony like she always does.    Meanwhile the mother, who is the epitome of class, doesn't look at Ames while discussing Asslee.  They're not into her.  Sis tells Ames he needs to pull out the stops because he's going down (paraphrased).  He says he's ready to light a fiyah and packs a picnic taking her out to his favorite magnolia tree on the property.  It was out of a storybook beautiful.

He admits he was somewhat of a nerd growing up, didn't have many friends or do well in school, but wouldn't change a thing because it made him appreciate everything and work hard.  How does Asslee respond?  She says she thinks they have the same brain, think the same way and share the same thoughts.  What.the.hell?  At this point I want to reach in and pull him out of the screen to safety. This chick doesn't even know what mental plane he's on never mind share a similar thought.  Next thing you know he's gushing that it's his most romantic date ever, they awkwardly and I mean awkwardly kiss, and ride a wagon all over the property while drinking champagne after he describes infusing the day-to-day with romance to live a life covered in it.  Run Ames. 

Finally we have the little whiny weasel.  

These two belong together and, I suspect, will end up together.

Not because she likes him best, but because anytime someone whines a LOT 

she gives them a rose.  And this guy is the consummate whiner.

In fact, he began tonight by whining that he 'finally has her all to himself'.  Oh gag already with that!  He takes her roller skating and all I'm thinking is, 'sweaty feet in dirty shoes, sweaty feet in dirty shoes' *shudder*.  They spin around to REO Speedwagon, can't fight the feelin' anymore, and she hangs all over him in junior high PDA.  He tells her he needs a LOT of reassurance in a relationship. RED FLAG ASHLEY.  Oh you know she's picking this one.  

They get to the family who go on and on and on about how he was destroyed after his last break-up.  We get it already! I'm wondering if he tried to off himself or ended up in a psych ward because they won't stop talking about how concerned they are.  They also do everything they can to throw the former girlfriend under the bus.  Classy.  Ashley will fit right in here.  

Line of the night goes to the mother who says:  JP has no trouble finding girls to fall in love with, he just can't keep them and then loses it.  The entire thing goes over Asslee's head.  The mother wants to know how she's dealing with 4 men because her son cannot handle if he doesn't get selected.  Hello Ashley the woman is trying to tell you to snip her kid now or he.will. SNAP in the end! Ashley takes it as flattery rather than a warning and says she just goes with her gut and her head:  both, coincidentally, proven to be useless in this Bentley process.  No worries Mama, she's smitten with JP.  The mother thinks it's an admission that JP wins. Hmmmmm I wonder where he gets it from?

Cut to scene and Ashley emerges from the limo in -you guessed it!- the most skin tight t-shirt/dress and no pants.  Her butt is barely covered.  She proclaims 'I'm home!'--no you're not honey.  Snap out of it. You live in Philly, but we're just not sure where.  Moments later she ruthlessly snips Ames who is is floored.  The word stunned does not adequately describe.  And what does she do?  She takes him outside, shakes his hand and brushes him into the limo while he tells her she is exceptional and he will remember every second of their time together for the rest of his life.

I'm horrified.  Someone needs to make sure she didn't pick Ben or I'm going to have to stage an intervention.  Ames?  Are you out there?