Tuesday, July 12, 2011

The Bachelorette: Another One Bites the Dust

I just walked past my bed and seriously contemplated crawling in and leaving it all behind.  Did anyone else walk away from this episode as annoyed as I am?  It's been about a half hour since it ended and I'm legitimately feeling like slapping someone.  Where's JP?  He needs a b*tch slap of epic proportions, but we'll get to that in a bit. *shakes head*

The show opens and Ashley starts blathering on about Taiwan being 'the hidden jewel of Asia because no one knows about it'.  Did she really just say that?  Let's just say I don't think Ames' family is going to be too high on her.  Harvard meet dental school...uh, no.  This thing is dead in the water and we haven't even gotten to the hometown dates.  

Anyway we're off and running with the guys meeting Harrison on the steps during which time Ames almost wipes out on the way up.  Anyone else catch that?  Poor thing.  He's a hot mess.  We learn there will be 3 one-on-one dates and 1 group date.  Lucas says he feels pretty good about his relationship with Ashley and we know he's going down for the count.  Anyone who starts an episode thinking they're in good standing is pretty much getting the boot.  Right out of the gate JP starts what turns out to be an episode of whining.  After the last one-on-one with Ashley he doesn't want anyone else near her and he can't take it anymore.  He wants his mommy!  Who is this guy and what has he done with JP??

First date is announced and I'm shocked:

Constantine the Greek 

Suddenly I have a flashback to the horrible landlord I had when I owned my daycare.  I can't say his name, but he was a hot mess young Greek guy who, guess what?  Owned a restaurant with his papa who treated him like the little heir who could.  Mark my words ladies:  Constantine will never leave the family business to have a flash mob on the lawn at the Galleria.  He is merely filling up space and his daddy is about to let him know about it.  Word to your mother.

First thing I notice:  Ashley Bachelorette's wearing skin tight jeans highlighting her seriously bow legs (not a good look) and, of course, a backless shirt meaning no bra.  What is with this chick?  If she has on a top she refuses to wear pants, and if she's stuffed into pants she's trying to be topless.  Blech.  Anyway back to the date.  Off they go on a train to a remote village and we learn that despite knowing exactly where they were going and what they would be doing Ashley has opted to wear sky high heels.  Of course Constantinople has to carry her on his back as they make their way to arts and crafts time at the Love Wish Lantern station.  They do things 5 year olds do like paint stick people and wedding rings on this lantern while Ashley 'freaks out that he is taking it so seriously'.  *someone get the knife out of my hands*

Back at the hotel date number two is announced as Ben (a tinier version of Constantine for anyone who hasn't noticed) as Ryan boldly states that she must be saving the best date for last--him.  How this guy has any teeth left in his head at this point is a mystery to me.  Annoyballs.

Returning to Constantine and Ashley Bachelorette he takes the dominant position asking what she sees in him (puff up your ego much?) and all I remember is her mumbling something about he's a family man because the real reason is he resembles Ben and it's just a matter of time before Ben and JP are in the final two.  Are we there yet? Oh, and she asks if he can keep himself from falling for her until after hometown dates all but telling him he's getting the boot at that stage and don't get all messy about it mmmmkay pizza man?  At this point I notice she is annoyed by him--he is not falling all over her and she can't stand it.  There is zero chemistry between them as they release their love lantern and I fight to stay awake. Yaaaaaaaawn.  Next.

Up next:  Ben aka Mr. Romance

See what I mean?? He looks like Constantine's twin!

Immediately Ashley Bachelorette resumes making zero sense talking about the last date with Ben was out of this world, but she needs to know if it's emotional and physical.  Why?  Because 2 days have gone by and you can't remember?  *digs for my pills* Worse yet she spills the beans that at this stage she likes 2 guys.  Thanks for nothing Ashley Bachelorette!  We already know it's Ben and JP, but couldn't you have just zipped it and played along?

They hop on some moped, she's wearing shorts and all I can think about is how that moped is doing nothing for her bow legs and I wish she'd stop wearing neon.  Sad but true.  As they zip off through picturesque gorges Ben spouts off cheesy lines about fairytales and precious cargo before they make out on a bridge and I dream of tossing myself off it.  Next thing you know Ashley and Ben are back on the moped pulling up to a hotel in the middle of the night, but miraculously when they get off she's wearing a neon green top and the world's shortest skirt.  Magique.

It goes from bad to worse as her insecurities flare:  What if your family sees me for the nut job I am is skeptical? aka it's me or them buddy and you better have the right answer!!  He says some crazy business about progression, the 'L Bomb' and opening up.  At this point I zone out.  This guy is taking it waaaaaay too seriously and I'm getting worried.  Her hair looks like a bowl cut with a horsetail attached in back and she's giving zilch for a response, but when the camera gets her alone she's calling him her boyfriend? I need a translator.

Meanwhile back at the hotel Ryan has been on pins and needles having not slept for 2 nights wondering if he's ever getting his one-on-one.  Please tell me this guy doesn't live in my neighborhood.  PLEASE.  Verdict's in:  Ryan gets the date while Lucas wonders wtf is going on between Ashley and Ryan because he just doesn't get it.  Ding ding ding JR Ewing--your number's up!

Next thing we know it's morning time and Ben's bed hasn't been slept in.  JP needs Depends and a box of Kleenex.  He's on the edge of a straight jacket and there's no reeling him in.  Ben rolls in and everyone wants an answer to the all consuming question:  did they do the deed?  JP storms out as Gentleman Ben announces separate beds, but that's not good enough for JP.  WTF is Ashley up to?  Didn't they just have a hot date back in Hong Kong? How long until they're back in NYC with his family?  Slow down young gun or ya might get snipped.  At this point I am officially done with JP.  Raging jealousy is never a good thing.

Before you know it it's group date time.  Lucas notes it's gonna suck because JP's being a b*tch and they have to be around him all day long.  Good call as this exact thing happens when Ashley Bachelorette proceeds to make them each of them dress up in 'wedding attire' to take fake wedding photos.  Oh no she did not.  Oh yes she did.  I'll let the pictures do the talking.

Lucas in a gold kimono type thing.
I'm sorry but this is all I can find and all I can say is Ames and Lucas are saints and
Ashley has once again displayed that she has zero brains and compassion.
What self-respecting man would be okay with this??

Brief synopsis:  Lucas has to wear a gold dress thing which she says she thinks he'll like because he's 'traditional'... read:  she's trying to turn him against her already.  When he calls her out on it she says it's not a dress, it's a long shirt and turns into a total biznatch.  You know he sealed his own fate right then and there because she has zero tolerance for anyone who calls her out.  Remember Ryan from last episode? *cue 'come sail away'*  She knows a long shirt from a dress--she's been wearing short shirts as dresses all season damn you! Anyway Ames gets jammed into a baby blue tux with sequined lapels while JP turns his frown upside down upon learning Ashley picked out a real live tux for him so she must like him best!  Cut to scene and they're taking fake wedding pictures in front of each other while she sucks face with each of the guys and can't understand why they're feeling like it's all a big joke.  Zero intuition in the house!  Ames pulls out all the stops showing her pictures of his family, but JP zooms in with a big ball of whiny baby so what does she do?  Gives him the rose thereby slapping Ames, his pink pants, and Lucas right in the face.

Remember the last person she did this with?  CRAZY RYAN

Speaking of which it's time for his one-on-one.  And here's where it gets juicy--and I don't mean Juicy Couture given the color of his shirt...

Immediately I notice she's in semi-tight white pants and flats.  This is the kiss of death for Ryan, even though she's managed to throw him a bone with the open back shirt and lack of bra.  She's a ho.  She takes him by the Match Making temple, they throw down rocks that land on the same side and it's a bad omen.  Reading the signs she continues to send him negative signals that go entirely over his head.  He's noting the sun has emerged, Tai Chi is good energy in/negative energy out, wow that's a huge Koi...as she tells him she knows approximately zero about the environment and doesn't care much.  One time she even threw a plastic bottle in the garbage and a guy dumped her.  Do ya hate me yet, Ryan?  Nope he wants to educate her on hot water heaters and what a waste they are as she takes a trip to planet Ben or planet JP--who lives closer to LA?

At this point she starts fake crying and tries to snip him.  God in heaven I wish I had a screen shot of his shocked face.  'You don't want to meet my family????" It looks like she kicked him in the nether regions.    He tries his usual playing on her guilty side, "I was so looking forward...oh whatever...." And he's out!  But not before he hangs on her, groping her backless shirt.  This guy's a sick dog.

But that's not the best part:  when they go to interview him he all but BURSTS OUT LAUGHING in the camera.  He was not shaken up one bit.  He was totally trying not to pee his pants laughing.  It was so bad he turned his face, gasped repeatedly and ran off into the bushes.  The guy went up about 2659531 notches in my book at that point!  It was so bad they had to voice over while he walked the streets without any close ups of his laughing face.  Then they got him at the end completely wiping one fake tear while you know they died laughing over what a joke this entire season has been.  AHAHAHAHAHA!! You know this guy was in massage parlors all over Asia while these dates were going on.  I'd bet money.  

I'd also bet she second guesses herself and wants him back at the end of the show.  She's nuts.

Anyway--it's time for the rose ceremony, but she doesn't need one.  Ashley Bachelorette knows who needs to go.  She's over Asia, this entire process and just wants to go home.  She doesn't like anyone and faking it is a lot tougher than it looks.  Chris Harrison announces no rose ceremony and Ames is stunned.  This is not good.  He thought Ryan was the top contender and now he's gone.  What does it all meeeean?  I'll tell you what it means Ames:  it means you've been sloshed for weeks.  Ryan has never been a top contender and you need to see a doctor for that hit to the head.

JP is suddenly Mr. Nutsack.  It's no biggie guys.  She doesn't need a rose ceremony I have my rose because she knows what she's doing.  Next thing you know Ashley emerges in her gunnysack and is losing all the dead weight.  Lucas goes out with class while JP beams in the corner.  What a weasel.  Ashley admits she has no idea what she's doing while the rest of us realize all she really knows how to do is not wear pants.

To add insult to injury we  have to watch that sniveling Emily wax on about how it didn't work out with Brad.  Clue #1--pack up your crap and get the apartment close to him before 3 months have gone by honey.  Clue #2--Stop reading the rag magazines and getting sucked into the lies that he has other girlfriends even though he's calling you non-stop.  Clue #3--Stop saying dot dot dot.  Clue#4--If you want us to think you don't want anymore paparazzi attention and to be the next Bachelorette then why did you emerge from the limo in one of Ashley's skirts?? and finally Clue #5--If you didn't want to sit there, then why are you??  Because you want to be the next Bachelorette.

She reeked of insecurity in the After The Final Rose ceremony and I felt bad for Brad.  He finally decides to grow up and be a man and ends up picking the most insecure (albeit pretty) one of the bunch.

I long for the good old days:
Bentley?  Are you out there??


Megan said...

mwhhhahahhahahha i missed this episode obviously.

but JP seriously turned into a little bitch?! i liked him before :( and ames is still my fav even though i think he is worlds better than her.

agreed...bentley should return one more time ;-)

Miss Caitlin S. said...

hahah, I never watch this show but I always know what's going on because it's all over! I'm not saying I'm cooler than anyone because I don't watch it, I watch tons of stupid crap, just doesn't happen to be this one in particular.

RosaLovesDC said...

OMG, this is way too funny! What was that Lucas guy wearing?!?!?!

17 Perth said...

bahahaha---I haven't seen one episode, but your recaps are hilarious.

Dancing Branflake said...

Someone needs to hire you to write this because it is GOOD. You are way too accurately hilarious.

Debby said...

Ha ha.. you read my mind. If CA was on the same time frame I would call you so we could talk through the whole thing! I hate her. She bugs the living pis* out of me!! Yes, who wears killer heels on a day trip like that?! I was thinking Ben and Constatine are twins and why the hell is Constatine still there? JP... not a good sign, crazy jealous spells future trouble. Ames... to much of a gentleman for her. Emily? Has the girl never heard of Prozac? Seriously, there are happy pills at every Americans disposal! xo

Daisy said...

last nights episode was sort of BORING. gosh, they all suck!

Micah said...

I want to know who chooses these dates. That wedding photo thing was dumb. Horribly dumb. I wasn't too surprised that Lucas got the boot at the end. He's kind of boring, and, I think, too nice for her. I didn't enjoy J.P.'s little mood swing either. I honestly don't think Ashley was equipped for this, and I don't think she ends up with anyone in the end.

Courtney Erin said...

Taiwan is the hidden jewel of Asia like I'm the hidden jewel of New Haven (okay, I kind of am but I prefer to be termed New Haven's best kept secret or New Haven's answer to a question that nobody asked)....lord these people are dummies!

xoxo ~ Courtney

mrs.anketell said...

I have to say, I LOVE reading your Tuesday recap of this show!! LOL!! You are too funny!!!! I love JP, but please tell me he is NOT turning into a little jealous bitch!!

Ashlee said...

i was so disappointed in JP also, what happened to him?
really, at this point, they're all so unimpressive. she weeded out the good guys!!!! and seriously ames is still there? i swear he is gay, ashley is not his cup of tea.

sherri lynn said...

hahaha just finished watching the episode and I loved reading your post. JP was so annoying - I hope he's back to normal next week. And I was SO annoyed with Ashley's bow legs and lack of bra-wearing. I am ready to fast forward through this season to the end to see what happens...Ben or JP?!?

The Suburb Experiment said...

I haven't watched this week's episode yet and after your recap, I'm not sure I need to. Ashley is such a twit.

The only way I can tell Constantine and Ben apart is one looks slightly more like Josh Grobin and the other looks slightly more like Dax Shepard. :)


Josie said...

I caught an interview with Ashley the other day. Oh, MY. Carrie. I thought you were being a bit hard on her in these... But no. You've been kind.
xo Josie

Marcie said...

Dude, I can't take it Carrie. You are HILARIOUS! This is the funniest post ever . . . ever. Ah, I don't even need to waste 2 hours of my life anymore, I can just read your summary. Keep em coming!

xo Marcie

Marcie said...

Just linked to my FB page. I just had to share! :)

la petite coquine said...

Gah, how you crack me up! I wish we were in SoCal-John could bartend at the Chef's while we get hammered and watch the Bachelorette together!

I have a confession to make-I couldn't tell the difference between her first two dates. I came back after a minute or two in the kitchen and thought to myself, "Wait, weren't they on a train a minute ago? Who IS that dude?"

Then I realized it was just Constantine/Ben. Snore.

Lainey said...

I look forward to your weekly Bachelorette reviews. Ashley was such a spaz this week. I'm still team Ames all the way though. It'll never happen, but he's the winner out of all those guys in my book.

Lisa Griffin said...

Oh lady! I am eating a huge sandwich and literally snorted crumbs out of my nose. When I saw that blue backward vest/shirt come out on Ashley I KNEW we would connect on it! Plus did you see Ames welcome himself to Taiwan in Adidas track pants?!?! guys have totally quit any effort ahahah

Krystal said...

you don't even know how badly that i wish i could watch this. WITH YOU!

Marie a la Mode said...

Oh my God Carrie this was hilarious. You seriously should be getting paid to write this stuff! Seriously! You should pitch it to some popular websites or if you don't want to, LET ME! You have me laughing my Canadian white ass off. And I'm glad I'm not the only one who thought Ashley walks as if she has a horse between her legs! Awkward. Do you read 'Reality Steve?' He has all the spoilers of the show and rumor has it (stop reading right now if you don't want me to ruin the surprise) Ryan comes back!!

You owned a daycare??? Please tell us about that because that is some interesting info!

Mrs. Julius said...

I totally missed most of yesterday's episode so I'm glad you can fill me in. I like reading your recaps better anyway. hahahah

Omg, Ashley seriously needs to stop wearing skin tight jeans because it makes her bow legs look even worst!!! I guess no one has ever told her that before...poor girl. Anyhow, I almost died laughing about the bitch slap part. I don't know what JP's deal is...what does he see in her? yeah Ben and Constantine look too much alike it's weird..I always get confused. haha.

Ok i just read Marie's post...I can't believe Ryan comes back! o_O this show is fucked!

omg and that Emily interview??? Was sooo annoying! Did you realize how many times she said "you know"??? it was like after every word...i wanted to kill myself. I wanted Brad to pick her the whole time she was on the show but now I regret it...she's so fake! totally mislead us thru out the whole show like she was miss perfect but she's so not. ugh. I feel so bad for Brad!

thanks for the recap! until next Monday! lol


Bad Joan said...

Nice recap, can't wait to see what happens on Monday.


OneCraftyFox said...

I never watch the show... but that's OK because I know every single detail of what's happened *now*... lol!!

My Heart Blogged said...

I think it's funny I have no intention of watching the show but I know more than people ho do watch because of your amazeballs recaps.

Poppies and Sunshine said...

I am glad I missed most of the episode last night, so I could get the overview from you! Omg you are so good at writing. Loved this recap of the show. And I loved the part "and here's where it gets juicy-- and I don't mean Juicy Couture." haha love it!
Thanks so much for your comment. I appreciate knowing that the post was inspiring.
Have a great night!

Mary Lane said...

Yeah, something exciting better happen next week because this episode was kind of boring. It's all been down hill since the episode where Bentley was such a douche (the first time, not the second time).


Marissa said...

haaaaahahahahaha. i love your monday night recaps. This episode was boring, but at least we didn't hear about Bentley. I was so shocked that she sent Ryan home like that, but it was obvious from the start of the date she just wasn't feeling it. I was also kind of disappointed in JP and the way he acted in the beginning. Unless he's just always like that and the camera never shows?

Can't wait for next week!


Reina said...

UGHHH. yes, well, for me this entire season has been a MAJOR bore and disapointment. And honestly, the guys of this season arent winning an points for me either. And Ashley is just way too flimsy and silly to be the bachelorette! I cringe for Ashley, especially with all of her babbaling about her love for Bentley, and his obvious distaste for her (remember "Emily is just so breathtakingly beautiful and next to her, Ashley is just kinda like an ugly duckling". I actaully laughed. And then felt kinda bad for Ashley when she hears that)
The only good thing to come from this episode was that Ryan and Lucas left. ECKKK. Lucas was just so very unappealing to me. And Ashley honestly planned the worst group date. I mean, honestly, what guy would want to go dress up and then pretend take wedding photos????
Yes, Ryan's reaction to Ashley's rejection was hilarious. He got all wide-eyed and innocent with his "You dont want to meet my family?" and "I was so looking forward to...oh whatever..."
I actaully quite like Ames, not for Ashley, but he is just so interesting and i think the slight smile that is constatly plastered to his face is very amusing. especially during the rose ceremony, did you notice?
OHMYGOD> and I am going to die if any of these guys turns out to be the Bachelor next season. Absolutly keel over and die of disgust. I think they should just start afresh and go man hunting for one of the thousands of the decent, ridiculously attractive male specimens. I mean how hard is it???? Fresh meat please ;p

Anyways, I quite enjoyed your recap and will probably stick around to read the rest of your recaps of this season ;D

Oh, and i am SO excited for Bachelor Pad season 2 ;D
guilty pleasure


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