Friday, October 29, 2010

slowly then all at once

Do you ever get in a funk and not even fully realize you're in it?  Yesterday I received a note from a dear friend (who is really more like family) reminding me that 3 years ago to the day we were in Hawaii for a special service commemorating the passing of another dear, dear friend of ours.  A wave of emotion and so many memories swept over me all at once.  That was a particularly special time, and trip, simultaneously filled with so much joy and sadness words really can't describe.

Just the other day I mentioned that I've been experiencing some sort of wardrobe crisis.  I chalked it up to boredom, maybe too much stuff or not being able to focus on the right stuff to pull things together; possibly the rainy, cool weather of the past couple of weeks.  Yet inside I knew it didn't add up - I lived in Washington State with buckets of rain for several years and those were some of the happiest days of my life - days that were not void of fun outfits.  This afternoon when I mentioned the passing of my friend to the Chef it suddenly dawned on me that it being this time of the year is probably the reason for my grey days.  The heart is an interesting thing.  As much as we think we've moved on from something in our mind - it is our heart that ultimately determines how far we've gone.  I guess I've still got a ways to go.

Tonight when I looked at pictures from that trip I remembered a different me - a more peaceful me.  My posts have been pretty somber lately.  Here's an attempt to turn the tide, even a little.

Kauai - October 2007

Here's to brighter days ahead.  Have a great weekend and Happy Halloween, everyone.

83 comments:

Ms Sublime said...

Whenever it rains really heavily, my mum always seems a bit sad. Until recently I never knew that it was during a Monsoon in India over 40 years ago, my mum had received news that her own mother was dying and she ran in the rain from a nearby (well not that near, she ran about an hour) village to get to her mum but she had already passed. I found out recently. The heart really is an interesting thing, and how it rules our heads even more so. I'm sorry about your friend and here is to the tide turning sweety, even a little xxx

Krystal said...

Aw Carrie. Happy Halloween. Your words are so true about the heart, I know what you mean about anniversaries and times of years that bring back memories.
These are pictures are quite great though and I hope you smiled looking at them!

Collette Osuna said...

Such honest words...I love Hawaii. I go every year..and your pics make me want for a more peaceful time as well......hugs hunnie!!


Stop by and say Hello ♥
Statements in Fashion Blog

Nell said...

This is such a beautiful post Carrie. Sometimes it takes a while to figure out what's up, doesn't it. But now you have, perhaps you can be at peace at bit more. It must be such a tough time of year for you.
The pictures are beautiful though and here's to turning the tide. Have a lovely weekend honey xx

Debby said...

Feel better, Carrie. Hawaii is gorgeous. I know that Tim gets down every March which is the time of year his father passed and the BFF gets down in Oct. because that is when she lost her Mom. I think it's pretty common. Hope you have a good weekend. xo

LifestyleBohemia said...

Chin up and I hope you feel better! I think we all go through our emotional ups and downs. It's important to sit and reflect on all of the positive things we have.
I hope you have a great weekend!
xx

Closet Fashionista said...

Aww that is so sad :( I hope you feel better soon, that must have been so hard for you!!
http://aclosetfashionista.blogspot.com/

Fashion Meets Food said...

Such honest and moving words. Hawaii looks like it was lots of fun though... I would love to visit as well as be as tiny as you are! My best friend and her mom were killed by a drunk + high driver when I was 16, and usually when I am in a slump... not enjoying life something reminds me of her and my emotions begin to scramble. Funny how life works.

xo enjoy your weekend are you dressing up for halloween?!

fashion clocked said...

aw this is such a heartfelt post. I cannot even begin to imagine the mix of emotions for you right now. This week has been pretty tough for me too, a year ago at the same time I was in intensive care and i'm lucky to be here. Such a draining week- which means it can only go one way- upwards!! Im going to make the most of the weekend Halloween and bonfire night to take my mind of all the shit! Sending hugs and thinking of you.Katie.xx

Chas said...

Awww what a moving post! I hope you feel better. Have a great weekend!

Lacey in the City said...

Cheers to brighter days for sure. I'm wishing a calm for you, dear Carrie!

xoxo
lace

Danielle said...

The Fall always puts me into a funk. And I'm always blindsided by it, I seem to forget that it always happens. Hopefully we can both turn it around ;)

Dancing Branflake said...

What an incredible story and those photos are so touching. My heart goes out to you.

Tati said...

wow these pictures are gorgeous! feel better!

Daniela said...

Here's to you and your heart, Carrie!! What a great post.

(Why not take a vacation?)

merciblahblah said...

Sorry to hear you're in a funk - I've been feeling a bit that way myself lately. Maybe you should have Chef whip up a decadent dessert and a nice adult bevvy to go wif.

Your photos are gorgeous, and I believe I need that dress you have on in the last one.

Mwah! Hugs and kisses to you!!
Shan

Ms. Givens said...

What gorgeous pictures!
Hugs, hugs, hugs.
Big Hugs to you!

briannelee said...

Ooooo, how gorgeous!!!!!

Pop Champagne said...

I hope you feel better! have a great halloween weekend

Elle Sees said...

i love the fact that you didn't remember for a second...i love that--when i forget (and no disrespect for forgetting)and i feel normal for a bit. last year sucked ass, and i hate thinking about it.

Jude said...

I won't even hide it, I had tears in my eyes reading this. I guess because I also had a trip just under a year ago back home to Hawaii too, which was marked by the sadness of a death of someone dear to me, yet also full of the gorgeousness you describe that is there.

I guess life is always full of little moments like that, there can be beauty even in the sadness. I adore your Hawaii photos (what Hawaii expat wouldn't?! :)), the Na Pali cliffs are breathtaking and the 2nd one of the water...I could watch water and waves forever and be mesmerized.

Hope you've feel better and your Halloween weekend is full of good, relaxing moments.

Annie said...

awww Carrie, I know exactly what you mean.. the heart is a funny thing. I think it's really good that you realized what's been going on with you lately and now I think it will help you heal even more. These pictures are beautiful. I think it's so important we keep thoughts/photos of our most carefree days in the forefront of our minds because sometimes they're so easily forgotten..and the happy/carefree part of us is certainly not something we want to lose (obviously). If we were closer, I think it would be a good time to meet up for some tea, but since we can't I hope you have a restorative weekend filled with some of your favorite things.. :) xo ~Annie

Marie a la Mode said...

A beautiful and moving post. I think it's so special you and your friends were able to come together and celebrate your late friend's life in such a beautiful and peaceful place.

I hope the sun comes out soon, in more ways than one.

xoxo

Chiara said...

Sorry to hear you are going through this....
I hope you have a lovely weekend!
xoxo
www.joiedevivre-chiara.blogspot.com

Nikki said...

What a beautiful way to commemorate a friend. Hang in there. The grey days will pass and if they don't...slather on some red lipstick and do something your friend would have loved.

I'm collecting buckets of Washington rain for you as we speak!

Ren- Lady Of The Arts said...

the sun can't shine everyday- Hope yours does sooner rather than later.

Mo Pie, Please said...

Aw, good luck overcoming the dreariness. I know the feeling and how hard it is to shake it. You'll turn the tide eventually! Happy weekend and Halloween!

nikki said...

Aww Carrie, so sorry about your friend.
Your posts make me smile every day and you should definitely take pride in your humor and honesty that you share with us everyday.
Hope you have a fabulous weekend!

xx
Nikki

just a girl said...

What a wonderful post! I completely understand how it feels to have something like this creep up on you; I generally don't realize I'm in it until I'm IN it (for lack of better words.) My wish for you is calm, happiness, and acceptance. Not that you don't already have those things, but I know I can always use the reminder myself.

Thank you for sharing this with us; I feel lucky to have stumbled upon your blog a while ago and now feel comfort from a (sort of) stranger!

Courtney Erin said...

Fantastic post - and gorgeous photos!

xoxo ~ Courtney
http://sartorialsidelines.blogspot.com

Josie said...

Isn't it strange how we can not know why we're in a certain mood until we're reminded of it? I'm so sorry for the loss of your friend, Carrie. If I've learned anything over the past week it's that life is most certainly fleeting, and people who are entirely too young can pass on entirely too early. But here's to a change in the tides for November.
xo Josie
http://winksmilestyle.blogspot.com

la petite coquine said...

I'm so sorry this is a difficult time, but am glad that you've finally figured out where these feelings are coming from. Now that you know, you can embrace these feelings, rather than trying to shrug them off. It's a testament to your relationships that even subconsciously, you are so deeply affected by them.

Erika @ ~TiptoeButterfly~ said...

ummm OK seriously - i'm on a different computer - different connection - everything - and NO pics! .. arghhh

HERE TO sunnier day's - last 2 have been storm clouds for me *blahhhhhhh boooooo*

ps - i can only imagiune how beautiful the cermony for your friend was! - it's tough losing friends so young - been through it - i feel ur pain lovey!

Half Dressed said...

These pictures are stunning and so pretty! I hope you feel more uplifted too :)

L x
Half Dressed

Cafe Fashionista said...

Awww...Carrie, I feel so sad for you right now. Anniversaries are horrible - especially when they mark the passing of a loved one. I hope that, after a spooky holiday this weekend, you're feeling a bit more cheerful and uplifted. :)

Claire Kiefer said...

Okay so first of all, I love that picture with your hair in your face. Perfect! I've never been to Hawaii, but every time I see pictures of the gorgeous water, I'm just in awe . . . it's so amazing. Also, can't believe how many sad posts about death and just having the blues in general I've seen lately . . . in the past two weeks, Micaela and I experienced the exact same thing: our first loves lost a sibling. Hard to believe! I'm totally with you on the heart being a funny thing (and with a great memory, which is sometimes unfortunate)--certain times of the year definitely bring up emotions for all of us, I am sure.

Needless to say, despite being in an (alleged) wardrobe slump, you look adorable every freaking day, and I am sure brighter days are on the horizon. Here's hoping! xo

Catita said...

sorry for your lost Carrie and at the same time, it is good to remember the good from someone and those are lovely pictures of Hawaii.
xoxo
Catita

Valerie said...

Oh Carrie, I'm so sorry to hear about the loss of your friend. The heart really does have the ultimate control over us, doesn't it. Your pictures are very serene. Here's to much better days in the near future!

xo
Valerie

Sarah said...

I'm sending you positive chi! Can you feel it?

this free bird said...

I'm feeling a lot better Sarah!! Yes - I think I can!

Thanks everyone for your kind words - let's all have a great weekend :)

xoxo,
Carrie

Ashleigh said...

I can't see any of your pics today, must be my new (aka crappy,old) work laptop... I get the mully grubs around certain memories sometimes too. Memories are powerful emotions!!

style-haus said...

sorry to hear you're going thru a lot of emotions right now with the memory of your friend. while you can never forget, time eases the pain of the loss and eventually allows you to celebrate their life while embracing the fond memories.

http://style-haus.blogspot.com/

nadia said...

Hugs and love to Carrie. Better days to come :)

xo N

Mary said...

Beautiful post (and pictures). Thanks for all the honesty.

Mary xo

Katie said...

You can think you've moved on, in your life and your mind, but the heart is just a different thing, isn't it? Been there and done that. As tough as it is, I guess it's good to get pulled back and have a reminder that there's more healing to do.

No worries about the email. Get back to me whenever you can :) (Or we'll CALL each other! Ahh! :) )

kendall k. said...

I get like that when I hear any song that reminds me of a specific moment in my life. it gives me the chills.
to better days ahead :)
Have a great weekend.
xoxo

LyddieGal said...

I hope you are able to embrace that happiness again. Your photos are so lovely, and you look like you are really enjoying life.

It so easy to fall into funks, and not even know how to get out again. The longer you stay there, the harder it is to remember that you once felt differently, and the more difficult it becomes to find you way out again.

Kristin said...

I feel like I have a wardrobe crisis every day. HA!

the chirpy bird said...

I completely understand... we all go through these times of transition and in fear of sounding like Frou Frou, the beauty really is in the break down. Here's to all of the happy light and bright days that lay ahead of you dear friend.
xox tash

Taj Acosta said...

Ah... the corazon has it'reasons of which reasons know nothing of. -Pascal
I keep this quote on my blog because it resonates with me to the core of life. The dear heart and it's functions! I hope you have a wonderful weekend! xo

Liesl @ FabulousFashions4SensibleStyle said...

What beautiful pictures!!! Thank you so much for sweet comment too!

Liesl :)

Daisy said...

Happy Halloween Carrie. So sorry about the hurt your heart is experiencing. gorgeous pictures of kauai :)

Ebony said...

I'm so sorry for your loss. The heart is a strange tool that makes one long for things and people the mind thinks it has accepted. I've found that I feel the same way in early August.

SWEATshirtDRESSshirt said...

I'm sorry to hear about your loss. From here on out, all you can do is surround yourself with positivity and let time heal your wounds. Keep your chin up, and don't forget about the good times.

I wanted to let you know that you are a really talented writer! Your words just flow so smoothly, and you have choose such beautiful words. :)

XO,
SWEATshirt DRESSshirt

ChinkyGirLMeL said...

Oh so true. The mind may forget but the heart truly remembers. I'm sorry about your friend. I know she wouldn't want you to be sad, it's best to think of all the happy times together.

Jammer said...

Awww Carrie! I'm so sorry about your friend. It's so crazy how a certain time of year can change your mood. It's almost like it remembers even if you don't realize it at first!

Have a great weekend!!!

Fashion, Art and other fancies said...

Am sure there are nice memories in your Heart of times shared with your friend - Her spirit is with you. Hiwever, am sorry you are going through this - and that it alters your mood - look after yourself and I wish you a nice Halloween. xx

Poppies and Sunshine said...

Beautiful pictures, Carrie.
Time heals all things, which I have experienced to be true and with other things I am still waiting for that to happen. I hope you find the peace and joy you need right now during this time and remember all the good memories.

xoxo happy weekend

Bren said...

I'm so sorry to hear about the loss of your friend Carrie. I lost a dear friend of mine about 6 years ago, and it was probably the most difficult time in my life. Every year around the time of her passing, I too fall into a funk. I never realize it until after, that the grief has returned. I think this year was the first time when I thought of her that I laughed instead of cried. The happy memories are coming back and replacing those at the end that shook me to my core. I know that I'll never stop missing her, but I also know she'd much prefer me laughing. (we laughed a lot together!) I'm sure your friend would rather see you laughing too!

Wishing you the joy and peace that you exude in these gorgeous pictures!

Hope you have a Happy Halloween!

xoxo,
Bren

Lily Riani said...

the pics are sooo beautiful!

DiamondsandTulle said...

Oh Carrie. So sorry to hear about this... I know you have been in a funk - it's so funny how the heart remembers these things/times like a clock. Sorry for your loss again and hope you'll find a little peace and sunshine this weekend.

xx Vivian @ http://diamondsandtulle.blogspot.com

Ellinor Forje said...

Atleast you've been to Hawaii. Me, never. But thanks for the interesting post;O) And come an visit me too when you have time.

Cheers.

Breakfast At Toast said...

I know it was years ago, but I'm sorry about your friend. Such amazing photos. I have never been to Hawaii.

PS - I've been in a funk all week. Didn't work out since I got back from NY, and passed up on plans thurs & fri night which is so unlike me. I usually love seeing my friends and was just not feeling it.

But tonight...I am the ZOE. Photo on my blog. I think you'll love it :)

xoxo

Design Elements said...

very moving post! look after yourself. I wish you all the best & a nice Halloween. greetings from Germany

Lori said...

Hey girlie ~ I sit here on Saturday ~ almost 4:30 ~ still in my jammies with a mug of tea and box of tissues. Yes ~ I am sick ~ can't breath through my nose but catching up on your last 3 - yes 3 posts (busy week) I snort laughed and now have a headache! First off ~ holy shoes! I would kill myself I am sure or at least snap my ankle in two. As for this post ~ even if we do not realize the date ~ the heart and mind are powerful things. Bravo for posting the shots from Hawaii ~ such a beautiful place. Hope you are having a good week-end Carrie. xo

Meghan said...

I am very sorry to hear about your friend. It is so hard to lose someone you love. Feel better!

Those pictures are so beautiful too! I love Hawaii :)

hip hip gin gin said...

Aw, Carrie. I'm so sorry about your friend, and the weight on your heart. Our hearts often know much better what is going on than our brains do. I've definitely experienced that type of funk before where you don't really know what is going on at first but you just feel that something is wrong.
I hope you fell better soon, but definitely let yourself feel down for a bit if you need to. The way to the other side is through, not around, hard feelings. Sending you a big virtual hug, and hoping you have a very fun and happy Halloween!

Melissa Blake said...

Aww, love. I know exactly what you mean. I seem to be in some sort of funk myself. maybe there's a funk bug going around. xoxo

Allison said...

I love reading such an honest post. Sometimes I never seem to understand why things happen the way they do. Last night, at 27 years old, I had sleep in the bed with my mom because I was scared and crying. Each season of our life passes, and eventually we find peace in what's happened. Your days and my days of happiness will return. Let's just cross our fingers that it'll be sooner than later.

Nicoline said...

Hi there. Love your blog so much!!
I hope you will visit or follow my blog:)
www.abitofeverything-nicoline.blogspot.com

alli/hooray said...

Hi Carrie, sending you a virtual hug right now! Not just from one blogger to another, but from a friend :)

Mimi said...

Thank you for your encouraging words. This post is so touching, and I wish you all the best moving forward. It really is true that once something ends, all you're left with are the memories. These photos are amazing. I would love to go to Hawaii sometime.

Kimbirdy said...

i know what you mean. it seems that all the loved ones i've lost has happened in the fall. in some ways it's kind of nice - like the weather is mourning with me, but it also makes it harder to rise above the sadness and celebrate the lives of my loved ones. i hope you find some time to let yourself be sad, but i also hope you find some time to be incredibly joyful!

julianne. said...

suuuchh gorgeous pictures.<3

THE OLD GEEZER said...

I added myself to follow your blog. You are more than welcome to visit mine and become a follower if you want to.

God Bless You :-)

~Ron

Lisa Lisa Lisa said...

Oh WA State...
I'm sorry the reminder from your friend was bittersweet. Bitter, because a flood of old hurts, but sweet because good memories come with it too.
*hugs*

Lisa Griffin said...

girl i totallly feel you! i have been in a funk and the stress is only making it worse, i'm focusing on refocusing for balance and a positive attitude, we'll see how it goes!
www.indramaticfashion.com

Jess said...

Isn't it amazing how much our bodies and our hearts can react to things without us even realizing it?? Those pictures are beautiful and I hope that you see sunnier skies soon, Carrie!! You're a doll.

Happy Halloween!
xo

Lady Grey said...

I'm sure you'll find those brighter days soon, darling.
oxo

Anna Jane said...

you look so happy and free (bird) in your pictures! so sorry about the loss of your loved one awhile back--it never gets easy. hope you and the C man had a great weekend.

xx

Style Attic said...

B-I-G-H-U-G to you Carrie! Pain and sorrow make you appreciate beauty and today that much more. XOXO Kel

heather yalin said...

Sending you happy thoughts and wishing some brighter days ahead for you. Times of the year have a way of drawing us in like that, don't they? You do look so chipper in your Hawaii days, despite the sadness of the gathering. It will return, dear friend. Sometimes it's time to accept and ride the little waves of greyness life gives us. I need to be reminded of this too... we all do from time to time...

corksandcaftans said...

wait... wardrobe crisis? you've been doing nothing but kill it lately!

just my 2 shiny pennies.
xo
C

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