The Bachelor Recap: With This Twist Tie I Poke My Own Eye Out

Tonight was hometown night on The Bachelor. That blessed time when all we want to see is who the hell is responsible for the narcissist known as Courtney Robertson. Bring it!

First up: Lyndzi

I clocked in where she's riding her horse on the track when Ben shows up wearing his best plaid cowboy shirt. The sun's shining and I could have sworn Lyndzi was from Seattle. Did they say we're in Florida? Maybe my brains really are depleting from watching this? Next thing we know Ben's getting strapped into some horse and buggy contraption looking terrified. Didn't he originally say he was a horse guy? Nobody likes a liar, Ben. Anyway, off they trot once Lyndzi takes the reins and whip. Meanwhile I hope and pray she's somehow gotten wind of his oceanics with Courtney and waited until this very moment to administer a lashing.

No dice.

Lyndzi's got a little picnic set up and immediately the falling off the horse and getting back on comparisons to the game o love start up. *somebody help us* And her. Here we learn she's only ever brought one guy home and it was a guy she lived with. Hold the phone. Mr. Text Message Break-up was a live-in? Ouch. Ouch for her and yay for us. Please say the father has some pent up frustration saved for Ben. This could be the first time in Bachelor history a father socks a weasly mophead in the face for stringing his daughter along!

Love them. For real. Such nice people.

My snark dies when I see the parents. Harry and Margie remind me of my mom and dad. Down-to-earth, super nice people only with dogs instead of cats. Ben awkwardly hops out of the carriage and I notice cut-off cowboy boots beneath his skinny hipster jeans. Disaster. Harry & his wife challenge Ben & Lyndzi to a carriage race that ends in the younger two pulling the older two, carriage and all, back to the house where serious talk commences. These people have only one daughter and they make it clear to Ben, in separate conversations, that she's all they have so he best not eff it up and hurt her. He gets super nervous and wiggles around in his seat--remember this is a hothead who doesn't like anyone but Trashney bossing him around--managing to avoid letting her dad know if he's considering marrying her. Narrow escape because we all know he's just biding time to the Courtney finishline. Did the dad catch it? I'm not sure. He is SO someone's dad and Ben should have more respect, especially considering his own loss. I'm pissed. I especially like Lyndzi's people.. They welcomed him back in the future, they made s'mores, they hugged. Damn you Ben Flajnik!! I hope her mom kicks you in the nuts with her pointy cowboy boot at a future Bachelor event. Look what you let pass by, fool!

Next up was Kacie B.

I'm immediately taken back to that dodo head bachelor guy from Seattle who changed his mind and ended up with Mollie instead of the Dancing With the Stars winner. What was her name again? Melissa!! Remember when he and Mollie were talking during the season and she asked him if he was scared he'd pick the wrong one?? It was straight up foreshadowing that no one caught except me. Okay maybe you did too, but I didn't know you then or we could have high five'd in the end when he b*tchslapped poor Melissa on live tv and told her choosing her was a mistake. What.a.douche. Anyway, Ben admits to Kacie's dad that he's afraid he'll choose the wrong woman in the end. Ive been waiting for a sign like this for the past 3 weeks as that b*tch Trashney has gotten more and more out of control. Please let this be an arrow pointing to her tragic (aaaahahahah) booting on the after show!! PLEASE ABC!!

Back to the matter at hand: Kacie's hometown date summary.

So many levels of wrong I'm not even sure where to begin.

She starts off talking about how she can't wait to kiss him and hug him and welcome him into her family. I'm hoping she's not taking him on a trip to her beloved grocery store. Thankfully (or something) it's marching band time on a rainy athletic field in Clarksville, TN. Please say a football hits him in the head.

No cigar.

Instead I am mortified to see the band part and her come baton twirling to the beat all the way down the middle. When did this girl graduate? Last year?? Lose the baton, honey. Courtney's already shown him all her "worldly goods" and this one is back at gymnastics. Heaven help us. Upon completing her routine she runs down the field and jumps on him, telling him the field is named after her grandfather. This runs into her gushing about her grandparents, their love story and how they passed away within months of each other due to broken heart status. All I'm noticing is this girl is totally spun on Ben and lost a grip on reality. She's run clear past the finishline to their life together in Tennessee. Uh-oh. He better cut her loose or it's about to get ugly up in here. Especially since she drops the bomb that her Dad's a non-drinking, federal probation officer? AAAahahahahaha! It's on!! There'll be no getting the parents liquored up on this round. Wonder if he stopped for Depends on his way over to meet the Fockers? He totally checks out and all but dumps her right there in the stands.

Lean forward so I can check for the scent of liquor on your breath, Flajnik.

At the house the parents toss these two on the grill. She wants them to see this as a serious relationship, her dad wants her to wake up and smell the coffee. Kacie pulls her sister aside, before the heat really gets turned up, and tells her Ben is her future husband. Whoa lady! There's a crazy bus parked outside to take you to wherever Courtney's holed up. The sister gives her the 'dad's not gonna let you' scared look while fresh off traveling the globe Courtney's all 'I can do whatever I want and take risks now'--more to pump herself up than anything else. This house reeks of the iron fist of an overprotective control freak. I'm scared.

On the dad grill, Ben is greeted by a stern father. He wants each of them to find the right person for them--whoever that may be, but if she's not the right one he would appreciate Ben telling her sooner rather than later. The dad just went up a million points in my book. He's sniffed out a lying weasel and laid down the law. Kacie's gettin clipped tonight y'all. If Ben receives anything less than adoration for his ego, he is out. The mother taught her daughters integrity--she wants the same in a son-in-law. Well that's out the window: see naked romp in the ocean with Courtney. Oh. And she doesnt want her daughter living with a man outside of marriage. Flajnik's in the weeds. He's trying to tell them he has traditional values. I'm rolling laughing off the couch. Back on the dad grill she tells him she's in love, the dad flashes a bright light in her eyes and asks if the other girls are too. Thank you, dad. He is not having any of this nonsense marriage talk. Flajnik darts to the car with barely a smooch and that's that. Hear that flatline? This thing's ovah!

Oh no. Nicki the divorcee.

Let's keep this filler short. She's just dead weight anyway. They shop for cowboy boots in good ol' Fort Worth while I notice Flajnik learned his lesson from Lyndzi's and wore the appropriate boot cut jeans. Clichés sound off on boot fits and relationship fits *gag*, they stroll the streets adorned in cowboy hats *cringe*, and I wonder if we're almost done with this. After slinging drinks in the saloon it's yet another picnic. Originality is dead. Apparently the family is not into this bachelor voyage and he's in for another verbal beating. Hopefully they drink. He can't wait to get over there and get it over with so he can lose this chick. It's all over his face, but she doesn't notice due to rambling on yet again about her divorce. Shut.up.lady.

At the parents, everyone hugs while Nicki calls Ben 'Bin'. Annoying. The dad asks Ben if he ever gets a word in edge-wise? This guy knows his daughter. So does the mother who notices her daughter is goonier than she's ever seen, but not sure Ben feels the same. Hel-lo Miss Cleo. Nicki tells her mother she's ready to plan a wedding and have a future with Bin. The mother tells her to slow her roll. The father also tells her to dial it back because she could get hurt--she must have been equally as nuts last time they gave their marital blessing. These people know their daughter doesn't have any brains in the relationship department. She has created some sort of fantasy relationship with Bin in her mind. It does not exist. Where is she coming up with this crap? Ben's just happy to get to the drinks as the dad toasts the two of them, but Nicki drags Bin off yet again to blather on and on and on and on and on and on. Snooze. Someone please shut her up. She has no clue. It's painful.

It's Cuckoo time at Courtney's parents' place in Scottsdale.

Immediately she begins ragging on the other girls due to her own insecurities, but now claims to feel bad about it even though she labels it fighting for love. Can you say conflicted and realizing maaaaybe the editing could cause her some backlash afterward? Hmmmmmm. More rambling about how all men have disappointed and abandoned her *yawn hooker victim*, and they're at the house. Ben's got flowers and wine. First time with both on all the dates. Take note. This fool picked this cheap ho! He gushes to the camera that she's the one he's noticed most--BUT it would bother him to end up with someone who rubbed others the wrong way. Loaded statement, but let's just stick to the possibility of the foreshadowing of him dumping her after the final rose. ABC? You out there!?!

She claims she hasn't brought a guy home in a long time, then two seconds later says her parents have seen her heartbroken many, many times. So which is it? Don't answer that. We all know she's been around and around. It's straight to the booze as dad proposes a toast and Courtney gushes on about like/loving Ben. The mother looks like a crazy witch and it's easy to see where Trashney gets her lack of looks from. The woman is a total biz-natch and clearly thinks Ben is beneath her daughter. Probably mind games to help her crazy ho daughter seal the deal. The apple doesn't fall far from the tree y'all.

'I'm crazy and my daughter's crazy and we talk baby talk.'

Courtney tells the sister Ben's the one. The father asks Ben if he's ready for marriage, Ben dodges. Back inside Courtney confesses to the skinny dip. Crazy meets crazy when the wonk-eyed mother appears to chat with Trash. Peas in a pod doesn't even begin to describe. Courtney says the mother doesn't trust men. This means the father is emasculated beyond belief. Uh-oh. The mother listens, claims she likes him, they talk in baby voices and Courtney calls him 'her guy' in front of everyone. Gag

Troll meet troll.

Going in reverse from the others, they go on another picnic where, in yet another shameless display of no pride, Courtney sets up a fake wedding complete with pastor, aisle, a bowtie for him and rings in some random park. She is NUTS!!! The corny Bachelor music begins--the one they reserve for the one he chooses--and she pulls out pen & paper for them to write their vows. Where is the straitjacket?? Dude. He tells her what he likes about her, she tells him what she wants. Go figure. Then she does some twist on traditional vows and tells him she loves him. They exchange twist ties and, instead of recognizing he's in the presence of a lunatic stalker, Ben is impressed with her effort. And they ride off in a white SUV complete with 'Almost Married' on the window and cans dragging in the dirt.

Somewhere out there Kacie's dad administers the 'I told you so' as she screams into a pillow.

For the first time this season Harrison has a sit down with Ben who glosses over the hometowns by saying the families were all sooooo welcoming, but won't make eye contact on Kacie. He looks uncomfortable.

Aaaaand Kacie B is ruthlessly snipped as Courtney grins on. Uff-da. She shed just a few tears in front of him, and he actually looked choked up. She never saw it coming.

She hollers eff bombs in the back of the car.  I hope she's not still in the corner at her parents' place.

Thank the good Lord he skinny dipped with Courtney so Kacie could see she left zilch in the dust. Two zilches as a matter of fact.