Tuesday, February 7, 2012

The Bachelor Recap: B+C = I Need Therapy

This week people visited le blog via the following searches:
  • ben flajnik douchebag
  • ben flajnik geico caveman
  • blakeley low cut boobs
  • i hate the ben on the bachelorr hes a pig (verbatim)
  • ben flajnik is a ugly nerd who goes for the fake girls
  • does ben flajnik wear a hairpiece?
  • ben flajnik is a bad kisser
  • ben flajnik idiot
And my personal favorite:
  • en flajnik
I have to say I concur on all fronts and would add:
-ben flajnik serial kisser
-courtney cheap ho

Let's get going on the recap where all these points and more were validated. I don't know about you, but I thought this episode could best be summed up by 'snoozefest'.

For this round, Ben and co are in Panama City, Panama. The girls get to the Trump hotel,oooh and ahhh and Courtney immediately tells the camera she's hoping to get in a bit more skinny dipping. Yep, she's still back on that, I'm sure Ben and his hair are too. Ben shows up announcing there will be a one on one, a group date and a two on one date. Blakeley rambles on about neeeeeeding that one on one, but it goes to Kacie B. while Courtney and her twitchy mouth hope he sends her home. G'luck with that one honey.
A helicopter picks up Ben and Kacie, she's trying to just enjoy sitting there holding his hand (lose the junior high moves girlie you got a ho in the house) and he's hoping they have enough to talk about. Whatev. As if he's interested in talking to anyone after bumping up against Courtney's lady bits. And yes I just went there, but only because they did first. Back to scene Kacie and Ben land on a deserted island. It hits her: it's just the two of them (uh and a camera crew). They each bring three things: she a monkey(?), a corkscrew w/a useless knife, and a bag of candy. He a machete, a fishing net and some matches. They spend the day with her clinging to his side as he hacks away at a bunch of coconuts, gathering twigs and such for a fire, and haphazardly flinging a net around in the ocean.

Suddenly they're drinking champagne?
That wasn't one of the 3 things. Yawwwwwn. 

All I'm thinking is she's not ripping her clothes off in or out of the ocean so he's probably thinking about her ho-ness Trashney. You  know I'm right.
hookers belong together

The date was a brother/sister snoozer. Cut to evening and poor Kacie B's got one of Ashley Bachelorette's t-shirts posing as a dress on. Ben wants serious conversation, she wants to get to the day to day grocery store runs. Girl you better knock that off. Next thing you know she spills the serious beans and reveals that her level of maturity comes from being a former bulimic/anorexic. I actually don't know if you ever fully recover from that or if it's like alcoholism, so pardon me if 'former' is incorrect. This is heavy. He calls her a brave girl. He gives her a rose, but he's checked out. There's no fire here after ocean explorations last week.

In the meantime the two on one date card shows up and it's Rachel and Blakeley. Blakeley thinks this is the best thing ever and won't stop yammering on about how she's gonna shine y'all! Think deer in the headlights. Snap to lady! One of you is going home and not even your boobs can stop it. Duh! Meanwhile Rachel wigs out and curls up in a semi-fetal. No one needs to tell her what time it is.

First it's the group date: Ben takes them into the rainforest in his boat while Courtney screams 'I'm sooooo wet!'. Seriously. I couldn't even make this sh*t up. Next thing you know they see some kids in loincloths playing soccer, so naturally dock the boat and go into their village where they get dragged off to put on traditional tribal gear. All the girls keep their bikini tops and bottoms on beneath their next to nothing beaded bra tops and fabric wrap bottoms, but not Courtney! She has her boobs hanging out and her skirt flying off. Yep, she a ho and Ben's all over it in his loincloth. They do some body painting, she writes b+c=heart like a 2nd grader, and all the others sit there watching the two of them together. Hello ya morons! Are you on this date?! Next thing you know they all dance around with the kids except b+c who shake their groove thing together while she waves her stuff in his face as the camera blacks out her nudity. Pride is dead.
Later in the evening he pulls Lindzi aside for some smooching, Courtney for some of her whining, dropping of her hotel room number (yes she did), and fake playing it needy to try for the rose. No dice. Jamie rears her ugly head as a babbling fool while Courtney shows up in her bikini frolicking in the pool behind them. You'd think this would wake Ben up, but nope he tells the camera he can't focus on Jamie with Trashney in her bikini, thereby proving he's a hormonal twit. Ick. Emily managed to squeeze in a minute where she doesn't mention Trashney. Trying to keep the others off his Courtney trail, Ben gives Lyndzi the rose while Courtney's mouth twitches in the wind and preps for a knock on her door that never occurs. This was the highlight: her rambling on about how men only appreciate her for a short time then disappoint her. Hel-lo honey! Take a clue!! Ben? Ben's mom? You watching??

On the two on one, that Blakeley is convinced she's got in the bag, they do some salsa dancing. The ladies take turns dancing with Ben and they all suck at it. Blakeley turns on the stripper moves, tosses her hair around, tries to stare deeply into his uninterested eyes, wraps her leg around him and does her best to rub up against all of his parts. And I mean all.
exhibit: desperation

Ben and his hair are into it while Rachel twists away in the corner. Cut to evening: both girls have Ashley's former costumes on: shirts barely covering their *sses. Blakeley starts fake crying/playing it up for that rose and shows Ben a third grade level scrapbook of their journey thus far. You know the non-existent one.
exhibit: coloring book

Despite pulling out every desperate move including baby voice, croc tears and ass flashes, Blakely bites it when Ben takes his life in his own hands awarding the rose to Rachel. Blakeley stomps out turning to crazily sob and cling to him at the vehicle before Ben shrugs her off and thanks the heavens he's one step closer to Courtney. Yawn. Somewhere in the distance yet another purple suitcase is wheeled off into the distance.

Before the rose ceremony, to fill the two hour time slot, Chris Harrison shows up confronting Casey S. about her boyfriend back home. First she denies it. Then she says she can't be with Michael anyway because he won't marry her. Then she says she needs therapy. I think I need therapy after being subjected to this scripted mess. This chick has been filler since day one. No chemistry with Ben. Not ever. Harrison drags her, in her bare feet, to Ben's room where she spills the beans. He chastises her for not being honest--hello skinny dipping hypocrite pot meet kettle--and snips her. She hysterically hangs on Harrison, bawling/semi-screeching in the hallway before being led away to a mini-van, still sans shoes, where she cries at a high pitch all the way back to the US. I can't help it: I laughed my head off.

Examine this goodness:

At the final cocktail party Ben encourages them to all be open and honest with him because he wants to have open lines of communication with each of them?  AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!

Nicki rambles on about how this is the real deal while Ben's eyes glaze over.  Why is she even here? Jamie monopolizes Ben's time in the most awkward Bachelor moment ever. She knows it's do or die time so takes matters into her own hands, tries to be all se-xay and confident woman, talks about how she thinks about him at night (cringe), and attempts to straddle him in her short tight dress (fail) and make out. When that fails--because she's sloppy drunk, giggling like a 12 year old, and out of character--she proceeds to tell him how they need to first kiss closed mouthed and then work into open mouth maneuvers. It's so painful I fast forward to Ben basically saying, 'uh no way ya weirdo!'

 First! He doesn't want to kiss someone!

At the rose ceremony Jamie gets the snip. And cries? Why?? No chemistry. Ever!



Anonymous said...

Ok, abandon this and start watching The Voice on Monday. Granted I'm one episode in, but I think I'm hooked.

this free bird said...

I have to see this courtney ho-bag take on Ben's mom and sister. It's really just TOO MUCH TO IMAGINE. I'm pretty sure I heard his mother screaming across the vineyard tonight.

Closet Fashionista said...

Haha oh dear, it sounds like another lovely episode *rolls eyes*
And that crying was rather amusing, what a doof

jamie said...

Your commentary is priceless! Who needs to watch when I can just cut to the hilarity?!


PS. Speaking of hilarity, I am having a bit of Carrie withdrawal. Need to get together soon!

Josie said...

Those searches? Brilliant.
xo Josie

Hogger and Co. said...

HAHAHAHAAA, "en flajnik" lol!
Hilarious recap as always. I suspect Blakeley's scrapbook was made by a Bachelor intern.

Micah said...

I thought Ben would totally love that scrapbook. *rolls eyes*

Courtney is just too much.

Dancing Branflake said...

Chaos. Mass chaos. Urgh. I don't even know what happened and I read this whole thing, like, twice. I think it's partially because my brain is denying such horrifying scenes could ever exist.


every time these chicks cry I die laughing...I seriously can't take it!!!

Kristin said...

I literally had to close my eyes when she was giving him her kissing lesson. Ahhhhhhhhhhh!

Lena at A Crimson Kiss said...

Agreed. And in my humble opinion, even grosser than last week's. Shame.

Anonymous said...

Courtney has to be a paid actress... no one could be that crazy and twitchy. The moment with Jamie was so awkward even I felt uncomfortable behind the t.v. screen. Ben + loin cloth = ugly


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