The Bachelor Recap: Ben Hands Over His Nuts

Better late than never, I guess.  This week's episode left me bewildered.

When I was growing up my mom always used to tell us, "if you don't have anything nice to say don't say anything at all". I just finished watching this week's episode of The Bachelor.

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For the past 5 minutes I've contemplated pushing publish post right here and just walking away.

Sorry mom.

Courtney is a full-scale tw*t. We are talking one major beeyotch. I'd say something nice, but there isn't one single nice thing to say about her.  She needs mental help.

And Ben? Well all those searches that came in this week via Ben Flajnik idiot? Each and every one is justified. He is a sad excuse for an adult male looking for a life partner (as if he really is). It's a freaking tragedy.

Let's do this recap and try not to poke our own eyes out. Warning: hide all sharp objects.

So this week they're in Belize. Producers make it painfully obvious that Ben's accommodations are at least a boat ride away from where the women stay and we all know why that is:  Courtney would be trying to get into Ben's room every chance she got and he would be welcoming her in, thereby cutting the season to an abrupt close. Ick nast.

Harrison shows up and tells them there will be three one on one dates with zero roses up for grabs, and one group date with a single rose given out. Lyndzi gets the first date while Nicki the divorcee wails to the camera. Who is this chick? Seriously. Who? They have zilch for connection, yet she has waxed on from the beginning about being in love with Ben. She is NUTS. And incredibly annoying with all the unjustified bawling. Wtf?

Lyndzi's date with Ben: they get in a helicopter, fly around with the door open, hover over The Blue Hole--a big blue circle in the ocean that's surrounded by a coral reef but 500ft deep in the center and he tells her they're going to jump out. She's terrified, but of course they toss themselves out victoriously amidst a slew of cliches about relationships and taking the dive.

Yawwwwn. Is this over yet? 

Her top stays on and all I'm thinking is Courtney's wouldn't have.  These chicks need to step it up because they are getting steamrolled by a sleazy lunatic.  We see nada about the rest of the day because there is no romantic connection. Cut to evening and they kiss a bunch while sitting on some blanket on a dock. I stare at his bare feet in a pair of those bad slip-in Adidas sandals and try not to barf. *shudder*

Despite environmental concerns, we as a society need to gather them all into a heap

and incinerate every.last.pair. ATROCITY

After the most painfully awkward exchange resembling something between two bros, they express themselves via writing a note, stuffing it in a bottle and tossing it out to sea. Message in a Bottle (love you Robin Wright Penn) this is not, but I'm still hoping to watch Ben get swept out sea. 


Next date card is coming and cuckoo head biznatch Courtney's going off about how she deserves it and Ben knows she needs it and a bunch of other insane nonsense. Why aren't any of these broads ripping her a new hole?? WHY? Tell the b*tch off already. Someone. PLEASE. Nope. Emily gets the date card and Courtney cries to the camera?? Cry on hooker! You gave away the goods in your dirty ass little ocean romp a couple weeks ago. How's that working for ya now?

crocodile tears ho-bag. nobody's buying it.

Emily's date: she jets off to meet Ben while Courtney waxes on about how Emily treated her so poorly. The pot kettle analogies with this narcissist never end. She is an egomaniac like nothing I've ever seen. Anyway, Ben and Emily aka Trashney trash talker ride bikes, tour the sites, dive for lobsters and eat dinner. She extends an invite for him to meet her family and they suck face, tongues and all, for all the world to see. 

If it is true that he picked Courtney, 

somewhere Ben is getting a verbal beatdown at this very moment.

Meanwhile Courtney's in full bitch mode whining to Lyndzi that if Ben doesnt give her a date she's not accepting his rose. He doesn't have her baaaa-aaack, he's on a date with someone who was meeeeeean to her, she's not gonna let him meet her faaaa-mi-leeee. Is this broad for real?! Cue the straitjacket and put us out of our misery already ABC! She then tells everyone, yet again, that if he is crazy about her she'll get the date...aaaaand of course she does. Cackling like a witch in the night she makes the craziest comments about, "he knows what's good for him, he knows I needed this, he needs to step his game up, etc" like she's the only game in town. Wait. She is. This b*tch knows she wears the pants. Who wants to marry a wimp? No thanks!

Look at this mess

Cut to her date: they climb some Mayan temple staircase, pausing halfway, where she threatens him under the veil of her whiny baby voice: the thrill is gone, she doesn't know if she likes him anymore, he took the mean girl (puh-leeze) emily on a date, doesn't have her back and she doesn't know if she wants him to meet her family.

In the ultimate act of castration HE FALLS INTO THE TRAP, 

freaks out and borderline begs to meet her family. 

We are nowhere near the rose ceremony and dufus head Flajnik has already shown his cards. Good God man! Pull yourself together!! Any other high maintenance twat would have been kicked to the curb, but he saw her privates so he's locked in on this one.

What a complete WUSS.

I could rant and rave some more, but why? He is so completely clueless he grovels for family time yet again in the evening. Jesus take the wheel. What a waste. This was the longest date, the one with the most airtime, and the most pathetic exchange ever. It only got worse when she badmouthed the women and he did zero to shut her up! She was all kinds of condescending and rude and lying about how hard she's tried to win these 'girls' over but they're so mean and boring. Classic case of reverse psychology. Hel-loooo there Ben! You awake? No one likes this broad. No one. NO ONE.

His mother has to be sick to her stomach. Keep guzzling the wine mama Flajnik, the worst is yet to come.

Group date: Rachel, Nicki and Kacie swim around with Ben in shark infested waters. 

Not even remotely dangerous sharks btw.

Rachel sucks up all the water time, Kacie flips out, they all invite him home to the fam but he gives the one rose to a drunken, slurring Kacie B.  It was priceless. Girl could barely speak.  The three try to warn him about Courtney. He seems to listen, but you know this fool is letting it go in one ear and out the other.

These girls just makin' me rip my hairrrs out.

Cut to rose ceremony: he foregoes the cocktails to avoid having to face anymore truth about Courtney, fakes like he's giving her a stern talk leading to a snip and then cuts Rachel and Emily instead. Whoop-de-do for suspense there. So.painfully.predictable.

Hey Ben Flajnik:  how does it feel watching yourself be manipulated by a control freak who only cares about herself? Are you out there, Ben? If spoilers are right and you picked that witch, I hope you get your nuts out of her pocket, re-attach and lose her like the bad habit she is. Otherwise a life of misery awaits you. Mark my words.