Wednesday, February 15, 2012

The Bachelor Recap: Ben Hands Over His Nuts

Better late than never, I guess.  This week's episode left me bewildered.

When I was growing up my mom always used to tell us, "if you don't have anything nice to say don't say anything at all". I just finished watching this week's episode of The Bachelor.



For the past 5 minutes I've contemplated pushing publish post right here and just walking away.

Sorry mom.

Courtney is a full-scale tw*t. We are talking one major beeyotch. I'd say something nice, but there isn't one single nice thing to say about her.  She needs mental help.

And Ben? Well all those searches that came in this week via Ben Flajnik idiot? Each and every one is justified. He is a sad excuse for an adult male looking for a life partner (as if he really is). It's a freaking tragedy.

Let's do this recap and try not to poke our own eyes out. Warning: hide all sharp objects.

So this week they're in Belize. Producers make it painfully obvious that Ben's accommodations are at least a boat ride away from where the women stay and we all know why that is:  Courtney would be trying to get into Ben's room every chance she got and he would be welcoming her in, thereby cutting the season to an abrupt close. Ick nast.

Harrison shows up and tells them there will be three one on one dates with zero roses up for grabs, and one group date with a single rose given out. Lyndzi gets the first date while Nicki the divorcee wails to the camera. Who is this chick? Seriously. Who? They have zilch for connection, yet she has waxed on from the beginning about being in love with Ben. She is NUTS. And incredibly annoying with all the unjustified bawling. Wtf?

Lyndzi's date with Ben: they get in a helicopter, fly around with the door open, hover over The Blue Hole--a big blue circle in the ocean that's surrounded by a coral reef but 500ft deep in the center and he tells her they're going to jump out. She's terrified, but of course they toss themselves out victoriously amidst a slew of cliches about relationships and taking the dive.
Yawwwwn. Is this over yet? 

Her top stays on and all I'm thinking is Courtney's wouldn't have.  These chicks need to step it up because they are getting steamrolled by a sleazy lunatic.  We see nada about the rest of the day because there is no romantic connection. Cut to evening and they kiss a bunch while sitting on some blanket on a dock. I stare at his bare feet in a pair of those bad slip-in Adidas sandals and try not to barf. *shudder*
Despite environmental concerns, we as a society need to gather them all into a heap
and incinerate every.last.pair. ATROCITY

After the most painfully awkward exchange resembling something between two bros, they express themselves via writing a note, stuffing it in a bottle and tossing it out to sea. Message in a Bottle (love you Robin Wright Penn) this is not, but I'm still hoping to watch Ben get swept out sea. 

Next date card is coming and cuckoo head biznatch Courtney's going off about how she deserves it and Ben knows she needs it and a bunch of other insane nonsense. Why aren't any of these broads ripping her a new hole?? WHY? Tell the b*tch off already. Someone. PLEASE. Nope. Emily gets the date card and Courtney cries to the camera?? Cry on hooker! You gave away the goods in your dirty ass little ocean romp a couple weeks ago. How's that working for ya now?

crocodile tears ho-bag. nobody's buying it.

Emily's date: she jets off to meet Ben while Courtney waxes on about how Emily treated her so poorly. The pot kettle analogies with this narcissist never end. She is an egomaniac like nothing I've ever seen. Anyway, Ben and Emily aka Trashney trash talker ride bikes, tour the sites, dive for lobsters and eat dinner. She extends an invite for him to meet her family and they suck face, tongues and all, for all the world to see. 

If it is true that he picked Courtney, 
somewhere Ben is getting a verbal beatdown at this very moment.

Meanwhile Courtney's in full bitch mode whining to Lyndzi that if Ben doesnt give her a date she's not accepting his rose. He doesn't have her baaaa-aaack, he's on a date with someone who was meeeeeean to her, she's not gonna let him meet her faaaa-mi-leeee. Is this broad for real?! Cue the straitjacket and put us out of our misery already ABC! She then tells everyone, yet again, that if he is crazy about her she'll get the date...aaaaand of course she does. Cackling like a witch in the night she makes the craziest comments about, "he knows what's good for him, he knows I needed this, he needs to step his game up, etc" like she's the only game in town. Wait. She is. This b*tch knows she wears the pants. Who wants to marry a wimp? No thanks!
Look at this mess

Cut to her date: they climb some Mayan temple staircase, pausing halfway, where she threatens him under the veil of her whiny baby voice: the thrill is gone, she doesn't know if she likes him anymore, he took the mean girl (puh-leeze) emily on a date, doesn't have her back and she doesn't know if she wants him to meet her family.
In the ultimate act of castration HE FALLS INTO THE TRAP, 
freaks out and borderline begs to meet her family. 

We are nowhere near the rose ceremony and dufus head Flajnik has already shown his cards. Good God man! Pull yourself together!! Any other high maintenance twat would have been kicked to the curb, but he saw her privates so he's locked in on this one.

What a complete WUSS.

I could rant and rave some more, but why? He is so completely clueless he grovels for family time yet again in the evening. Jesus take the wheel. What a waste. This was the longest date, the one with the most airtime, and the most pathetic exchange ever. It only got worse when she badmouthed the women and he did zero to shut her up! She was all kinds of condescending and rude and lying about how hard she's tried to win these 'girls' over but they're so mean and boring. Classic case of reverse psychology. Hel-loooo there Ben! You awake? No one likes this broad. No one. NO ONE.

His mother has to be sick to her stomach. Keep guzzling the wine mama Flajnik, the worst is yet to come.

Group date: Rachel, Nicki and Kacie swim around with Ben in shark infested waters. 
Not even remotely dangerous sharks btw.

Rachel sucks up all the water time, Kacie flips out, they all invite him home to the fam but he gives the one rose to a drunken, slurring Kacie B.  It was priceless. Girl could barely speak.  The three try to warn him about Courtney. He seems to listen, but you know this fool is letting it go in one ear and out the other.

These girls just makin' me rip my hairrrs out.

Cut to rose ceremony: he foregoes the cocktails to avoid having to face anymore truth about Courtney, fakes like he's giving her a stern talk leading to a snip and then cuts Rachel and Emily instead. Whoop-de-do for suspense there. So.painfully.predictable.

Hey Ben Flajnik:  how does it feel watching yourself be manipulated by a control freak who only cares about herself? Are you out there, Ben? If spoilers are right and you picked that witch, I hope you get your nuts out of her pocket, re-attach and lose her like the bad habit she is. Otherwise a life of misery awaits you. Mark my words.


fifi said...

oh how i love your recaps!!! every season i can't stand the show but get sucked in!

Claire Kiefer said...

I yelled at the tv during this rose ceremony.

I'm amazed at Ben's idiocy re: Courtney. It's so unfair that when Emily talked smack about Courtney, Ben shamed and threatened her, but when Courtney talked smack about EVERY GIRL IN THE HOUSE, he sat there mute. It's so unattractive that she doesn't get along with girls, calls them all "boring" and "vanilla" and "little girls" (um, how mean was it when she called Kacie "a little girl in a little boy's body"???). I can't believe that alone didn't cue Ben to send her ass packing.

Also, can we discuss how after Courtney got the date card, she repeatedly said "Ohhh SNAP!" What the F is wrong with this girl? And 2002 wants its loser expressions back.

The only plus side to this tragic mess is that we get to see Courtney's "family" or the people she hired to pretend she's not a devil spawn alien robot.

Closet Fashionista said...

Haha yowza....if people in other countries only view of America was this show they would try to kill us all XD

Lila said...

I am loving this is just so ridiculous that I can't help but love every minute of it. Great recap, you always make me laugh out loud until I snort.

sherri lynn said...

Your recaps are the best! I am so over Courtney and her whiny self! I hope next week's episode is more interesting than this one was!

Tsuki aka LittleGrayFox said...

I totally missed this episode, so thanks for the recap! He is a complete moron for not catching it earlier on. Of course, when Emily tried telling him (both times) about Courtney, she could've done a better job of it!

You knew courtney was trouble when they showed the pre-introduction videos and she basically made it clear it was all a game to her

They deserve each other. she's a skank and he's a numbnuts. if he can't see thru the most obvious phoney chick then he doesn't deserve a good one

Lilacandgrey said...

one word: YUCK!

Josie said...

I'm going to keep things real here, Carrie. It kind of sounds like that miserable life awaits him no matter what...
xo Josie

TheChambrayCountess said...

Ahaha! This show is such a cesspool of nastiness! I might have laughed the hardest about those hideous Adidas soccer slides, though :)

Lisa Griffin said...

Ok I don't care how much you joke I did not see Emily getting cut! I was furious and this Courtney girl is a complete nut job, and pretty much the only reason i can't wait for the reunion
in dramatic fashion

jen said...

Love the recaps! I don't watch the show so I think you for sparing me that task. I enjoy your version much better! :)

The Suburb Experiment said...

OK. I actually (sort of) watched this week. And I have a fantastic Ben impersonation:

"Girl talk. Ben don't care. Awkward. Ben kiss girl. Tongue first. Ooga."

Seriously, why is his tongue OUTSIDE his mouth before their lips meet? EEEEEEEEEEWWWWWW.

He's so weirdly entitled for someone is average-looking, with terrible social skills, and no real success. (Remember his job was "internet sales" on Ashley's season).

I think he and Courtney make the perfect couple and hopefully my homegirl Emily is at home shaking off the last vestiges of Stockholm Syndrome and seeing what a bullet she dodged.


The Suburb Experiment

A Crimson Kiss said...

DYING, as per usual. Also, I'm a little in love with the fact that you and John both had a violent reaction to the Adidas sandals.

Alex McMurray said...

Once again you make not watching "The Bachelor" totally worth it. I "watch" the show vicariously through your blog and look forward to each recap on pins and needles. I religiously share this blog with my wife who, despite reason and all common sense, watches the weekly train wreck that is "The Bachelor" and it's a lot of fun to watch her reactions to what you write considering she watches the show. She nods in agreement, laughs out loud, and thoroughly endorses your assessment of each and every episode. We love what you're doing. Hang in there for the season though. We're officially addicted. Not sure where we'd get our fix without you.

Kindest regards,
Alex & Kari

Caitlin @ Candyfloss & Persie said...

hahah, I do not watch this show but I should because it is ALL everyone talks about!!!! Love the "pause pause pause" part, haha, wonderful. Sometimes you gotta break Mama's rules.


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