Tuesday, August 2, 2011

The Bachelorette Final Recap: Thank God It's Over

First of all I would just like to say, "MISS CLEO IN THE HOUSE" -- she picked JP.

yawwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwn

Like we all didn't see that one coming.  Anyone still with me?

Now don't get all bitter if you haven't seen the disastrous ending yet.  Think of it this way:  I'm sparing you the pain, the hair pulling out, the screaming at the tv, that 14th cocktail just to make it through.  Wait a second....

Anyway, here's a quick recap of the most disgusting finale ever.  For the record, and you can quote me on this one, "Ashley has zero class".  Thank you

Tonight began with Ashley being reunited with her family who had flown in to Fiji.  First thing I notice: Ashley's mother looks like she belongs on My Big Fat Gypsy Wedding (one can only hope this occurs) and Ashley's sister is littered with tats.  Sleeves and the whole nine yards!!


Why the hell wasn't SHE the Bachelorette?? 
She actually has a brain.

Two seconds later Ashley is going on about her journey (gag) during which time she proclaims she's in love.  We know you are.  You've been in love since you met Bentley.  What they mean is are you in love with anyone currently?  Sorry I couldn't resist.  The stepdad says he knew it would happen and some other chatter goes on, but I'm still staring at the sister.  Remember I didn't watch the Brad debacle season so this is my first go round with the fam and her sister looks like a hardcore biznatch.  I'm hoping she comes  unglued and rips Ashley a new one.  

Five minutes of rambling and Ashley goes to retrieve JP.  Since the episode started she's been going on and on about how she has no reservations about JP meeting her family, they're going to love him, he's going to fit right in and la de da de da.  Well of course that means a sh*tstorm's brewing and its name is Ashley's sister.  JP and Ashley meet on the beach, he's wearing his Sunday best, she's got clothing on, it's a miracle.  They stroll up to the fam, niceties are exchanged, he's all weird and awkward, the sister isn't having it. Why wasn't anyone wearing sunglasses in that glaring heat?  Moments later they sit down to lunch, the sister starts with the tough (what-ever) questions--the first of which is 'JP do you make her laugh?' Ashley Bachelorette jumps in and says she makes herself laugh.

Um, okay.  

A big ol' red flag goes up for the sister who later pulls both Ashley and JP aside separately to tell them she doesn't think they're right for each other.  Ashley proceeds to immediately bawl her head off like a 2 year old.  JP gets thrown on the bbq of the sister's interrogation where she tells him she does not see him with her sister and there's nothing he can do to change her mind.  Priceless.  She all but calls him a cradle robbing loser.  He was stuttering and stumbling and damn near crying like a baby.  The sister is tough--no amount of his pathetic doe eyes are going to win her over. SNIP SNIP JP.  He later pours on the whining to Ashley, she admits she's a people pleaser, he freaks out, she needs time to come to a decision, he mouths off that he thought she had already come to a decision.  Slow ya roll there buddy boy, there's someone else in the equation and he doesn't have insecurity issues.  Ashley walks off down the beach while JP storms off in the opposite direction.  He's not asking her to marry him if this keeps up! *cough cough yeah right*

Next day breaks and Ashley is a hot mess.  She's clearly not been taking her pills for the past few days, the bags under her eyes are down to her knees, no one's supporting her and she calls her sister a b*tch.  That makes for classy television there Ashley.  Not that she'd care seeing as she's been running around all over the world for 2 months with her a** hanging out of t-shirts she claims are dresses.  Anyway, the sister hit the nail on the head the previous day when she told Ashley point blank that going with her gut, ahem:

uh, yeah

clearly hasn't been working for her and I'm left with the obvious:  the sister's been reading my blog.  She all but screams at her:  Intuition is dead Ashley Bachelorette!! You don't have any intuition or you wouldn't have thought Bentley gave a rip about you.  Intuition shmintuition. This JP is not right for you and your definition of "support" is me telling you he's great and good luck with your decision.  Well guess what sister fool?  I'm here to tell you he's not the one.  DEAL WITH IT (or the consequences of going against my advice).  The sister's been married before, she knows how to spot one that's not "a winner" if you know what I mean.  It falls on deaf ears.

Before you know it Ben arrives.  I'm willing to bet she's wearing Depends as she goes out to meet him.  She's terrified her sister won't like anyone and how on earth is she going to be an adult and make her own decisions?  Dental assistant school hasn't taught her squat!! Fortunately for her, Ben goes in and wins the family over immediately.  He is just the right blend of nervous and confident, cracks great jokes, clearly loves her and even talks in the crazy dog voice for the family who, you can see, think he is rad.  The sister's beaming ear to ear.  I'll even say I noticed a clear difference in Ashley with Ben and her fam vs. JP and her fam.  She's WAY more relaxed, at ease and happy with Ben.  

She's going to live to regret letting this one get away.
Good luck with Mr. Hammer & Nails

Summary:  the sister grills Ben and he passes with flying colors. Despite being younger than JP he is clearly more mature, well-mannered and just overall a better fit for Ashley.  Later as she and Ben depart for the day she is visibly relieved the family likes him, he thinks it was a clear sign they're meant to be, and I'm now more certain than ever damn Ashley is going to squish the guy.  Next day for their final date he is going to tell her he loves her.  First they go on a helicopter ride, then she takes him to an outdoor healing mudbath where they strip to swimsuits and rub mud all over each other, she taking particular note to stuff her hand in her own top and give him a free show.  As I said, ho.  They kiss and float around, it's idyllic. He's going to spill it tonight, which indeed he does do after telling her he's asked and received her family's blessing to ask her to marry him.  It's romantic, sentimental and just all around beautiful.  Until she sprawls out on the bed, wraps her legs around him and sucks his face off giving zero indication she will not be choosing him over JP.

Back to JP it's time for his last date:  all I remember is him whining some more about her sister won't give him a chance and is so judgmental (high pitched voice for effect).  *CRINGE*  Ashley is grateful for her sister's questioning so they can really think it over.  He doesn't need to think it over, he wants it all to be over so they can be together.  In a desperate attempt he tells her he loves her before he completely bites the dust and, as we've seen all season, she takes pity on the underdog.

weasel

Later in his room, he gives her a scrapbook of some picture of the two of them plus a note that says 'baby' at the end, and they can fill up the book if she picks him.  Spare me.  These two are a couple of babies.  

In the worst ending in Bachelorette history, we see Ben and JP each pick out rings for Ashley.  Ben tells Neil Lane it's the real deal and she's the one.  JP's just not sure aka is it over yet?  Did I win, Neil?  Or will my ex-girlfriend back at home still be laughing at me for pining away over her for the past 3+ years (true story look it up).  Ben is confident--in all the time he has spent with Ashley she has given him zero indication she is not in love with him.  He is looking forward to spending the rest of his life with her.  He lost his dad, but now today she will be a new and welcome member to his family.  It's heartbreaking.  We know what's coming.  She said, "I'm letting a guy go who is not going to see it coming." Meaning she knows exactly what she has been doing this entire time.  I'm pissed mad.

Ben meets her in the driftwood circle, says the nicest things to her, gets down on one knee (SHE LETS HIM GET DOWN ON ONE KNEE) and proposes while she stands there in silence and leaves him down there for a good 10 seconds.  No exaggeration.  She is disgusting.  If I thought she was bad before, I really had no idea just how bad she really is.  My assessment:  This woman has great need for attention and Ben is a catch she never otherwise could have caught.  He, in her eyes, is the not so safe bet so she's going with JP the insecure.  Good luck with that, Asslee.

Ben does not go out peacefully.  He is hurt and angry and walks away.  She tries to tell him he's smart and great (yawwwwwn Ashley.  seriously you have zero ideas on how to relate to people!!) he rips her and tells her not to sugarcoat it.  Good things don't end well and bugger off (in not so many words).  He drops a couple eff bombs in the interview and with good reason:  he had NO CLUE she was not in love with him!! She is a despicable little brat.  They send him off the island in a boat only one step up from a dingy that floats on by Ashley who is right back in the driftwood circle waiting for JP who is flying over.  ABC HAS ZERO CLASS AND TASTE.

Cut to scene:  she chooses JP and then calls him baby while they run out into the water where she gathers her dress and gives us one parting a** shot before the curtain drops.  

One word:  DISMAL

After the Final Rose summary:  Chris Harrison wears a rug, Ben F to this day has no idea when she decided it wasn't him, he asks, she avoids the question and never gives an honest answer, he remarks that he walked away with his dignity, it flies over her head that he's implying she left with ZERO DIGNITY (I still think she never arrived with any so there was nowhere but down for her) while the audience claps and claps.  She's wearing such a short skirt they have to position the flowers on the table not to give us a shot of her a** or God only knows what else.  JP comes out in the worst pair of shoes I've ever seen and NO SOCKS.  All I can think of is sweaty, smelly feet while the sister rolls up and fakes that she likes him.  She doesn't and she's going to be right.  He's insecure as the day is long and all but says the sister sucked it for telling the truth--he didn't appreciate the way she did it.  Wah wah wah.  Ashley's moving to NYC and they're getting an apartment.  He makes sure it's known they'll be celebrating Hanukkah.  Oh yes, this is going to be real interesting.  

Where's Ben F.?  Are you out there Ben F?  I know you watched this season and are now thanking your lucky stars (and wine bottles) you did not end up with this mess known as Asslee.  We're right there with you!! Narrow escape my friend, but a glorious one at that.

Bachelorette recaps over and out.  Whew!

38 comments:

Closet Fashionista said...

HAHA! I love you...I don't even want to watch this show but your recaps are so hilarious! It is 4:50am and I'm giggling to myself...(you don't even wanna know why I'm up at 4am...its Potter related XD)
I loved the "sister fool"....that really got me, but it could just be because its so early in the morning...but I'm pretty sure I'd find that amusing any time of day

and wow...she is such a BUTTHEAD!
http://www.closet-fashionista.com/

Debby said...

Dying! Tears rolling down my eyes w/ laughter. Oh, I think the sister is most definitely reading your blog. I liked her and thought she should be The Bachelorette. Ben is just too good/classy for Asslee.... LOVE the nickname! The girl really doesn't have a clue. xo

Kate said...

I feel like I can't comment without looking like I take this shit way too seriously. ;) Because I disagree with you on SO MANY LEVELS! Mostly personally - some people are awkward and a little reserved (me) and I know for a fact if I went to meet a signif other's sister and she told me to my face in 15 minutes that I wasn't right for her brother and that nothing I could do would change that, I would probably burst into tears and feel forever awkward around his family. And the 'whining' to Ashley about it after? OF COURSE! Haha, you bet the first minute I was alone with him after his sister basically said I sucked I would talk about it in a "what the hell?! / my feelings are super hurt" sort of way. I would have reacted exactly like JP. Probably worse. If I was on reality tv, you would hate me! ;) I think the sister is just a bitter divorcee, not particularly smart. Bahaha, annnnyway, just had to note that I am happy she picked JP. Awkward and nervous people deserve love too. ;)

Judy C said...

I recorded last week's show and tried to watch. I couldn't. Asslee is just too much for someone who would rather believe in intelligence. She surely didn't give us a role model did she?

RosaLovesDC said...

Again, you just made my morning girl. And you are right, Thank God is Over!

Daisy said...

i'm gonna miss these recaps. for the record, I severely disliked the sis. I totally understand telling it like it is, but what ever happened to supporting family? ya know , maybe shes right and her intuition is wayy better than asslees. but give the poor guys a chance! I'm pretty sure id never do that to my sister!! ;)

STYLE'N said...

Awesome recap Carrie! I have been watching this season off and on. I did watch last night and agree-I cannot believe she let Ben get on his knees and propose. She could have at least stopped things from progressing at that point right?

tara said...

Whew. SO glad this season is over!! Ashley drives me nuts!!

indie.electronic.alternative. said...

this recap is so good i managed to know exactly what went on allll season without ever watching it once. and that is exactly how it should be. so i thank you for that! :)

Isabel said...

and not i dont need to waste an hour or 2 of my life. thank you!

Julie and Lauren said...

Haha you're so funny! I didn't like how Ben got so nasty at the end though! He's clearly insecure.

Mary Lane said...

I could NOT believe she let him get down on one knee and then called him "interesting" while he walked away. That's totally what a guy wants to hear right after you've turned down his marriage proposal: that he's interesting. She is unbearable!

http://www.stylish3.com/marylane

Belly B said...

I have not ever seen The Bachelorette, but judging by this, I feel like I really should! :D

Belly B :)

kimbirdy said...

and now she and whatever guy she picked can go break up in private like every other couple that met on the bachelor/bachelorette. seriously, why do these shows exist?!

Jessica @ Beautify My Life said...

First of all, I am so glad you pointed out the lack of sunglasses. That was driving me NUTS!

I CANNOT believe that she let him propose. She is the worst. But Ben is lucky to have escaped -- somehow I think he'll have plenty of ladies knocking down his door.

I'll miss your recaps!

Mary @Delightful Bitefuls said...

This was hilarious!! I'm going to miss all of your recaps! Perhaps we'll get Bachelor Pad updates ;) That should be a guaranteed gong show!!

Katie said...

I swear I keep leaving a comment and its not working. Its either Blogger or the Percocet. I'm laying back down now.

Lisa Griffin said...

Ok I had a few problems with this finale most of which is that they totally set up Ben to pass with flying colors! If we all gang up on JP and make him look like an a$$ then encourage Ben to talk in a doggy voice? puhhhlease i really did love his classy exit though, and ashley telling him he is one of the "most interesting" people she ever met? horrendous, i can now have monday nights back :)
www.indramaticfashion.com

Ashlee said...

I am so sad that I won't be able to read your recaps come Tuesday morning now.
Please tell me you'll be following some other hideously addicting show!!!!

fifi said...

i am sad to see this come to an end only because we won't be getting your recaps which are better than the actual show!!!

Anna Jane said...

my conclusion: she's the worst. they both suck because they liked her. the end. :)

this free bird said...

AHAHAHAHA!!

my conclusion: ben f. rocks for adding some sauce by being a sarcastic child in the end. that's when i woke up.

Josie said...

Finally sucked it up and watched some of this while I was on the treadmill last night. KILL ME IMMEDIATELY PLEASE. You haven't been exaggerating in the slightest, Carrie.
xo Josie
www.winksmilestyle.com

Anonymous said...

I loved your recap. You had me in tears of laughter. So right on. I could not have written a better recap. Awesome! Keep up the awesome job. Luv your blog.

Claire Kiefer said...

I really want to date Ben F. ;) Which one's his winery???

Marie a la Mode said...

I don't know, call me crazy but I think they might last!

Carrie, I typed a really long message on your post about Grayce the other day and when I hit send it didn't publish and then I had to go into a meeting so I'm sorry this is late.
I am so sorry to hear about Grayce. When I read your post last week I teared up. (You know how much I love my cat.) It sounds like she was an amazing furry friend and I'm sure she felt so lucky to have you as her Mom. It was fate you met her at church. I really wish I could give you a big hug. I thought about you lots this weekend and I hope you are okay. I'll say a little prayer for Grayce. I know she's in a good place now.

xo

Leeann @ Join the Gossip said...

I SO did not see that coming. I totally thought she was picking Ben. They seemed more compatible and comfortable around each other.

And Ashley's sister may have been onto something but damn was she a bitch! Does she have no manners? She didn't have to be so rude about it. I mean, I'm sure people could judge her by her look so maybe she should be a little less cray cray lol!

la petite coquine said...

I have a girl crush on that tatted up sister. When she just flat out said Ashley has shitty romantic judgment, I think I snorted iced tea.

Kavery said...

Ha ha - so won't be watching this 'coz your review is enough!
Anyone else having trouble getting into Josie'blog, Wink and a smile? Or is it just me? I've tried the last few days and the link won't go through at all.

annelise said...

Hahaha! Carrie, you are hilarious! I've not watched this season but this is as good as. She sounds like a real piece of work and her sister sounds awesome. Most of the time though, I just don't get this show at all and who would want to go on it. It's bizarre. Hilarious, but bizarre.

LyddieGal said...

Wow, I haven't even been watching the show and i'm frustrated with it. But it sounds like ben is a decent guy who deserves better, so I guess she made the right choice.

Chic on the Cheap

Cara said...

nest week bachelor pad! lol

Cara said...

PS. me and my sister vowed to never watch this stupid show again, but there really is nothing else on on monday nights :/

alli/hooray said...

I didn't watch at all this season but caught the finale (aka train wreck). your summary is hilarious and spot on.

kelli g. { bug miscellany } said...

ABC has clearly keyed in on one important facet of the American ideology:

we loves us a good train wreck!

My Heart Blogged said...

The only reason I didn't want to be over was I would miss your fantastic recaps.

Tracy D said...

I didn't watch the season but have LOVED your re-caps...so much so that I sat thru the torture of the last 20 mins of the show and allllll of the after the rose, just so I could read your blog post and picture what you were saying :)

Twentyy Something said...

Haha, I love your recap. I think Ashley might have been the worst bachelorette ever. It was painful to watch each second of it (though granted, I couldn't stop watching).

http://twentyysomething.blogspot.com/

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