The Bachelorette Final Recap: Thank God It's Over

First of all I would just like to say, "MISS CLEO IN THE HOUSE" -- she picked JP.

yawwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwn

Like we all didn't see that one coming.  Anyone still with me?

Now don't get all bitter if you haven't seen the disastrous ending yet.  Think of it this way:  I'm sparing you the pain, the hair pulling out, the screaming at the tv, that 14th cocktail just to make it through.  Wait a second....

Anyway, here's a quick recap of the most disgusting finale ever.  For the record, and you can quote me on this one, "Ashley has zero class".  Thank you

Tonight began with Ashley being reunited with her family who had flown in to Fiji.  First thing I notice: Ashley's mother looks like she belongs on My Big Fat Gypsy Wedding (one can only hope this occurs) and Ashley's sister is littered with tats.  Sleeves and the whole nine yards!!

Why the hell wasn't SHE the Bachelorette?? 

She actually has a brain.

Two seconds later Ashley is going on about her journey (gag) during which time she proclaims she's in love.  We know you are.  You've been in love since you met Bentley.  What they mean is are you in love with anyone currently?  Sorry I couldn't resist.  The stepdad says he knew it would happen and some other chatter goes on, but I'm still staring at the sister.  Remember I didn't watch the Brad debacle season so this is my first go round with the fam and her sister looks like a hardcore biznatch.  I'm hoping she comes  unglued and rips Ashley a new one.  

Five minutes of rambling and Ashley goes to retrieve JP.  Since the episode started she's been going on and on about how she has no reservations about JP meeting her family, they're going to love him, he's going to fit right in and la de da de da.  Well of course that means a sh*tstorm's brewing and its name is Ashley's sister.  JP and Ashley meet on the beach, he's wearing his Sunday best, she's got clothing on, it's a miracle.  They stroll up to the fam, niceties are exchanged, he's all weird and awkward, the sister isn't having it. Why wasn't anyone wearing sunglasses in that glaring heat?  Moments later they sit down to lunch, the sister starts with the tough (what-ever) questions--the first of which is 'JP do you make her laugh?' Ashley Bachelorette jumps in and says she makes herself laugh.

Um, okay.  

A big ol' red flag goes up for the sister who later pulls both Ashley and JP aside separately to tell them she doesn't think they're right for each other.  Ashley proceeds to immediately bawl her head off like a 2 year old.  JP gets thrown on the bbq of the sister's interrogation where she tells him she does not see him with her sister and there's nothing he can do to change her mind.  Priceless.  She all but calls him a cradle robbing loser.  He was stuttering and stumbling and damn near crying like a baby.  The sister is tough--no amount of his pathetic doe eyes are going to win her over. SNIP SNIP JP.  He later pours on the whining to Ashley, she admits she's a people pleaser, he freaks out, she needs time to come to a decision, he mouths off that he thought she had already come to a decision.  Slow ya roll there buddy boy, there's someone else in the equation and he doesn't have insecurity issues.  Ashley walks off down the beach while JP storms off in the opposite direction.  He's not asking her to marry him if this keeps up! *cough cough yeah right*

Next day breaks and Ashley is a hot mess.  She's clearly not been taking her pills for the past few days, the bags under her eyes are down to her knees, no one's supporting her and she calls her sister a b*tch.  That makes for classy television there Ashley.  Not that she'd care seeing as she's been running around all over the world for 2 months with her a** hanging out of t-shirts she claims are dresses.  Anyway, the sister hit the nail on the head the previous day when she told Ashley point blank that going with her gut, ahem:

uh, yeah

clearly hasn't been working for her and I'm left with the obvious:  the sister's been reading my blog.  She all but screams at her:  Intuition is dead Ashley Bachelorette!! You don't have any intuition or you wouldn't have thought Bentley gave a rip about you.  Intuition shmintuition. This JP is not right for you and your definition of "support" is me telling you he's great and good luck with your decision.  Well guess what sister fool?  I'm here to tell you he's not the one.  DEAL WITH IT (or the consequences of going against my advice).  The sister's been married before, she knows how to spot one that's not "a winner" if you know what I mean.  It falls on deaf ears.

Before you know it Ben arrives.  I'm willing to bet she's wearing Depends as she goes out to meet him.  She's terrified her sister won't like anyone and how on earth is she going to be an adult and make her own decisions?  Dental assistant school hasn't taught her squat!! Fortunately for her, Ben goes in and wins the family over immediately.  He is just the right blend of nervous and confident, cracks great jokes, clearly loves her and even talks in the crazy dog voice for the family who, you can see, think he is rad.  The sister's beaming ear to ear.  I'll even say I noticed a clear difference in Ashley with Ben and her fam vs. JP and her fam.  She's WAY more relaxed, at ease and happy with Ben.  

She's going to live to regret letting this one get away.

Good luck with Mr. Hammer & Nails

Summary:  the sister grills Ben and he passes with flying colors. Despite being younger than JP he is clearly more mature, well-mannered and just overall a better fit for Ashley.  Later as she and Ben depart for the day she is visibly relieved the family likes him, he thinks it was a clear sign they're meant to be, and I'm now more certain than ever damn Ashley is going to squish the guy.  Next day for their final date he is going to tell her he loves her.  First they go on a helicopter ride, then she takes him to an outdoor healing mudbath where they strip to swimsuits and rub mud all over each other, she taking particular note to stuff her hand in her own top and give him a free show.  As I said, ho.  They kiss and float around, it's idyllic. He's going to spill it tonight, which indeed he does do after telling her he's asked and received her family's blessing to ask her to marry him.  It's romantic, sentimental and just all around beautiful.  Until she sprawls out on the bed, wraps her legs around him and sucks his face off giving zero indication she will not be choosing him over JP.

Back to JP it's time for his last date:  all I remember is him whining some more about her sister won't give him a chance and is so judgmental (high pitched voice for effect).  *CRINGE*  Ashley is grateful for her sister's questioning so they can really think it over.  He doesn't need to think it over, he wants it all to be over so they can be together.  In a desperate attempt he tells her he loves her before he completely bites the dust and, as we've seen all season, she takes pity on the underdog.

weasel

Later in his room, he gives her a scrapbook of some picture of the two of them plus a note that says 'baby' at the end, and they can fill up the book if she picks him.  Spare me.  These two are a couple of babies.  

In the worst ending in Bachelorette history, we see Ben and JP each pick out rings for Ashley.  Ben tells Neil Lane it's the real deal and she's the one.  JP's just not sure aka is it over yet?  Did I win, Neil?  Or will my ex-girlfriend back at home still be laughing at me for pining away over her for the past 3+ years (true story look it up).  Ben is confident--in all the time he has spent with Ashley she has given him zero indication she is not in love with him.  He is looking forward to spending the rest of his life with her.  He lost his dad, but now today she will be a new and welcome member to his family.  It's heartbreaking.  We know what's coming.  She said, "I'm letting a guy go who is not going to see it coming." Meaning she knows exactly what she has been doing this entire time.  I'm pissed mad.

Ben meets her in the driftwood circle, says the nicest things to her, gets down on one knee (SHE LETS HIM GET DOWN ON ONE KNEE) and proposes while she stands there in silence and leaves him down there for a good 10 seconds.  No exaggeration.  She is disgusting.  If I thought she was bad before, I really had no idea just how bad she really is.  My assessment:  This woman has great need for attention and Ben is a catch she never otherwise could have caught.  He, in her eyes, is the not so safe bet so she's going with JP the insecure.  Good luck with that, Asslee.

Ben does not go out peacefully.  He is hurt and angry and walks away.  She tries to tell him he's smart and great (yawwwwwn Ashley.  seriously you have zero ideas on how to relate to people!!) he rips her and tells her not to sugarcoat it.  Good things don't end well and bugger off (in not so many words).  He drops a couple eff bombs in the interview and with good reason:  he had NO CLUE she was not in love with him!! She is a despicable little brat.  They send him off the island in a boat only one step up from a dingy that floats on by Ashley who is right back in the driftwood circle waiting for JP who is flying over.  ABC HAS ZERO CLASS AND TASTE.

Cut to scene:  she chooses JP and then calls him baby while they run out into the water where she gathers her dress and gives us one parting a** shot before the curtain drops.  

One word:  DISMAL

After the Final Rose summary:  Chris Harrison wears a rug, Ben F to this day has no idea when she decided it wasn't him, he asks, she avoids the question and never gives an honest answer, he remarks that he walked away with his dignity, it flies over her head that he's implying she left with ZERO DIGNITY (I still think she never arrived with any so there was nowhere but down for her) while the audience claps and claps.  She's wearing such a short skirt they have to position the flowers on the table not to give us a shot of her a** or God only knows what else.  JP comes out in the worst pair of shoes I've ever seen and NO SOCKS.  All I can think of is sweaty, smelly feet while the sister rolls up and fakes that she likes him.  She doesn't and she's going to be right.  He's insecure as the day is long and all but says the sister sucked it for telling the truth--he didn't appreciate the way she did it.  Wah wah wah.  Ashley's moving to NYC and they're getting an apartment.  He makes sure it's known they'll be celebrating Hanukkah.  Oh yes, this is going to be real interesting.  

Where's Ben F.?  Are you out there Ben F?  I know you watched this season and are now thanking your lucky stars (and wine bottles) you did not end up with this mess known as Asslee.  We're right there with you!! Narrow escape my friend, but a glorious one at that.

Bachelorette recaps over and out.  Whew!