Remember the Time

Fresh off yet another run-in with the playground terrorizer (for reals is it over yet?) I thought I'd peel by and flash some of those pics I mentioned last time. You know, fondly revisit a handful of this summer's countless memories of sheer panic: stomach in a knot, blood pressure climbing, eyebrows fluttering to the floor all around me.

Enjoy! Someone might as well seeing as whenever I look at them I'm transported back to the moment each was taken and can't help but remember how depleted I felt. How can a person be so unhealthy yet not realize it? Well at least not until their hair falls out. It's interesting you know, how good life is to us. Even though I'm bummed about my hair and feeling wistful about the passing of a summer not fully maximized, I'm grateful for the wake-up call that's making me focus on striving for better balance in my life. Here's to more guilt-free and fear-free 'NO!'s' in the future.  Holler if ya year me.

Let's begin at the end: down to one eyebrow, but starting to feel better. Some color in my face.

Motivating words I happened to walk past on my birthday. A gift? A sign? I TOOK IT.

I passed my citizenship test. With a quarter of an eyebrow they still let me in!

Getting sworn in was one of the most humbling and rewarding experiences. Over too fast.

Another highlight of this summer was the discovery of Aviator Nation. 

The t-shirt I'm wearing here is one of theirs: super soft with a vintage 70's vibe. 

Before I jet I just want to say thank you to everyone who commented on the last post or emailed to say what's up. Even though I haven't been around all that much, I still read blogs every now and then so it was nice to be remembered and I appreciate all of your kind (and hilarious) words. Here's hoping things are looking up.

Laughter? Not Really.

Last week I was cleaning some summer pictures from the camera when I came across this one. For some reason it really bothered me and I couldn't stop looking at it. Rire aux éclats: to roar with laughter.

This summer was pretty much everything but that.

When I look at this I see someone who is tired, exhausted actually, in despair with too much on her plate and trying to keep everyone happy while forgetting how to properly administer the word NO for her own bloody good.

Remember when I got that cockamamie idea to take the summer off and read books, have bonfires at the beach, and visit a theme park? Those were the days...in my mind. Instead I applied for citizenship, studied my brains out for the test, jumped through more hoops than I knew existed, sat here helpless while my mother suffered two broken arms after a bad fall opening an entirely new can of parental worms I have been avoiding since birth, watched the DMV refuse to renew my license when my green card expired while I was in process--even though they were given all the requisite extension forms and lost them 5 times (ever try to run a business and try to survive in California without a car? uh yeah not pretty), all while working my ass off for the playground terrorizer I mentioned in what I think was the last post.

I guess it was too much for me because sometime around mid-July I looked in the mirror and realized my left eyebrow looked kind of thin. By the time I took the citizenship test in late-August it was barely there and come early September it was g-o-n-e.

It's official: I've redefined the unibrow.

Even though you can't tell in the picture, I am firing on one eyebrow and, just to reinforce it, have mentioned it three times in the past 10 seconds. It doesn't sound like much this losing your hair thing, but it's pretty jarring to have something happening to your body that you cannot control in any way whatsoever. Helpless. I tried not to give it much thought, refused to color that mother in and just went on about my business. As my niece so kindly said to me, 'You mean YOU GO OUT LIKE THAT WHERE PEOPLE CAN SEE YOU??' Um, yes dear I do. At least when I have a driver's license to take me somewhere.

I'll share some summer pics later this week and look for one that shows the brow--you know just for freaking you out's sake because Halloween is coming, after all.

In the meantime I'd like to kiss the ground and my brow, the acupuncture needles and infrared light treatments (and my acupuncturist, but I can't risk scaring her off) because my left eyebrow has grown back in just a month. The dermatologist doesn't quite know what to say about it so I keep on reminding her via screaming in her face, 'ACUPUNCTURE SAVED MY LIFE. THERE'S THIS INFRARED LIGHT THING I'M GETTING ON MY FACE AND IT GOES ZZ ZZ ZZZ. DO I LOOK ANY YOUNGER??' That last part is kind of irrelevant, but the way I see it I'm paying for the visit so I might as well get an expert opinion while I'm there.

The verdict is out on the right eyebrow which has now decided thin is in, but I think (read: hope to God Almighty) we've caught it in time. And just last week I found a big ass bald patch the size of a silver dollar on the left side of my head just by my ear.

Why am I telling you all this? Because THREE PEOPLE EMAILED to say they still follow my blog and no matter what the hell kind of nonsense I'm talking about over here they still want to read about it.  Bless you people, you have no idea how much that means to me. So here you have it: alopecia areata, how to set (or in this case forget to set) a boundary, acupuncture is akin to nectar of the gods and I've got an internal wind. How's that for something to think about?

I'm ba-aaack! (and have no sh*t clue on how this new blogger interface works.)

What Goes Around, Comes Around.

*RED ALERT: THERE ARE NO PICTURES IN THIS POST*

When I was a kid I was given the crappy task of being the captain of my 5th grade Intramurals team. To say I was not a sports fan is a gross underestimation. I was skinny and little and didn't like to get pushed around. When they made me captain of that team I shook in my boots. And then, out of a fear of inadequacy and coming in last place amongst all the other teams, I turned into a tyrant.

My team had the nicest girls on it. Why, why, why did they have to make me the captain of a team that didn't have the most athletic girls? (she said in a whiny, high-pitched voice) Why did it seem like all the other teams had all the athletes? (turns out they did) WHY ME? AND WHY THIS POOR GROUP OF GIRLS WHO WERE STUCK WITH ME?

That experience will forever be burned into my brain. I was an asshole. I yelled at those girls who actually looked up to me for having made the same mistakes just one year earlier--kicking the soccer ball toward my own net because my then 10 year old coach was screaming at my scrawny 9 year old self to 'GET IN THE GAME'.  Instead of being understanding and kind and encouraging, especially because I had lived through the same, I modeled my former coach. It was terrible. After our horrendous lunchtime losses (who ever thought a group of children should sacrifice their lunch hour to team sports anyway? Duh) I would haul my team into a classroom and rip them a new hole based on my own insecurities (read: cluelessness) surrounding how to coach or guide my friends to any sort of anything resembling a victory.  I was horrible.

I feel like an asshole just thinking about it. Because I was one. The biggest of ones. And even felt like one then but, due to pride and lack of experience at coaching and fear of inflated sports balls and grassy fields and whistles and striped jerseys--and that anyone would see me for the scared kid I really was, seemed unable to stop. What if they REALLY saw me?? Meanwhile they totally already did.

At one of these ridiculous gatherings I looked over and saw one of the girls crying. And suddenly I just completely deflated. Whether or not it showed externally I can't remember, but I do recall thinking, 'this crap is not worth it' and sheepishly apologizing and admitting we were probably never going to come in first place or even second, but we could at least just try to have fun and do our best as a team. And I changed from then on. Or at least I think I did, because I don't recall anymore yelling and we would high five after the games and no one else cried. Not even when we came in last in a league of 4 teams. We were probably wearing the best friendship bracelets though. Just making a point that the brutes can't always represent in the wrist-age department like we less athletic types.

Why am I even writing this after a hiatus of God only knows how long?

Because I have been buried under a pile of work after promising myself I would take it slow this summer. Instead I went against my own better judgment and took a project that probably did not belong to me in the grand scheme of the universe. Everything was moving fast, fast, fast (more to come on that later) when the requests started coming in from the client. That is usually when I've learned in the past to decline, take a step back, not worry about disappointing anyone, and take care of what needs to be taken care of. Everything will work itself out. Instead I took the project after weeks of pressure and have been paying the price ever since.

It has turned out to be a pretty dreadful experience. Even though the other things got quiet and I have been able to focus intensely on the project, it hasn't been enough. And I realized today, no matter what I do and how much I perform it will likely never be enough for them because I am reporting into my 10 year old self. An insecure person who overpromises out of fear, holds me responsible for results that have proven to be very difficult to produce, and then manages down HARD when things don't go as hoped.

I wasn't good at sports then and I'm not good at it now. Games just don't work for me and I am not a fan of making anyone feel small so I can feel big. What does that really accomplish, anyway?

Ever notice how you keep going around and around the same problem in different situations until you FINALLY learn your lesson?

Let's hope this is my last time on the soccer field with a maniac.