The Bachelorette Final Recap: Thank God It's Over

First of all I would just like to say, "MISS CLEO IN THE HOUSE" -- she picked JP.

yawwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwn

Like we all didn't see that one coming.  Anyone still with me?

Now don't get all bitter if you haven't seen the disastrous ending yet.  Think of it this way:  I'm sparing you the pain, the hair pulling out, the screaming at the tv, that 14th cocktail just to make it through.  Wait a second....

Anyway, here's a quick recap of the most disgusting finale ever.  For the record, and you can quote me on this one, "Ashley has zero class".  Thank you

Tonight began with Ashley being reunited with her family who had flown in to Fiji.  First thing I notice: Ashley's mother looks like she belongs on My Big Fat Gypsy Wedding (one can only hope this occurs) and Ashley's sister is littered with tats.  Sleeves and the whole nine yards!!

Why the hell wasn't SHE the Bachelorette?? 

She actually has a brain.

Two seconds later Ashley is going on about her journey (gag) during which time she proclaims she's in love.  We know you are.  You've been in love since you met Bentley.  What they mean is are you in love with anyone currently?  Sorry I couldn't resist.  The stepdad says he knew it would happen and some other chatter goes on, but I'm still staring at the sister.  Remember I didn't watch the Brad debacle season so this is my first go round with the fam and her sister looks like a hardcore biznatch.  I'm hoping she comes  unglued and rips Ashley a new one.  

Five minutes of rambling and Ashley goes to retrieve JP.  Since the episode started she's been going on and on about how she has no reservations about JP meeting her family, they're going to love him, he's going to fit right in and la de da de da.  Well of course that means a sh*tstorm's brewing and its name is Ashley's sister.  JP and Ashley meet on the beach, he's wearing his Sunday best, she's got clothing on, it's a miracle.  They stroll up to the fam, niceties are exchanged, he's all weird and awkward, the sister isn't having it. Why wasn't anyone wearing sunglasses in that glaring heat?  Moments later they sit down to lunch, the sister starts with the tough (what-ever) questions--the first of which is 'JP do you make her laugh?' Ashley Bachelorette jumps in and says she makes herself laugh.

Um, okay.  

A big ol' red flag goes up for the sister who later pulls both Ashley and JP aside separately to tell them she doesn't think they're right for each other.  Ashley proceeds to immediately bawl her head off like a 2 year old.  JP gets thrown on the bbq of the sister's interrogation where she tells him she does not see him with her sister and there's nothing he can do to change her mind.  Priceless.  She all but calls him a cradle robbing loser.  He was stuttering and stumbling and damn near crying like a baby.  The sister is tough--no amount of his pathetic doe eyes are going to win her over. SNIP SNIP JP.  He later pours on the whining to Ashley, she admits she's a people pleaser, he freaks out, she needs time to come to a decision, he mouths off that he thought she had already come to a decision.  Slow ya roll there buddy boy, there's someone else in the equation and he doesn't have insecurity issues.  Ashley walks off down the beach while JP storms off in the opposite direction.  He's not asking her to marry him if this keeps up! *cough cough yeah right*

Next day breaks and Ashley is a hot mess.  She's clearly not been taking her pills for the past few days, the bags under her eyes are down to her knees, no one's supporting her and she calls her sister a b*tch.  That makes for classy television there Ashley.  Not that she'd care seeing as she's been running around all over the world for 2 months with her a** hanging out of t-shirts she claims are dresses.  Anyway, the sister hit the nail on the head the previous day when she told Ashley point blank that going with her gut, ahem:

uh, yeah

clearly hasn't been working for her and I'm left with the obvious:  the sister's been reading my blog.  She all but screams at her:  Intuition is dead Ashley Bachelorette!! You don't have any intuition or you wouldn't have thought Bentley gave a rip about you.  Intuition shmintuition. This JP is not right for you and your definition of "support" is me telling you he's great and good luck with your decision.  Well guess what sister fool?  I'm here to tell you he's not the one.  DEAL WITH IT (or the consequences of going against my advice).  The sister's been married before, she knows how to spot one that's not "a winner" if you know what I mean.  It falls on deaf ears.

Before you know it Ben arrives.  I'm willing to bet she's wearing Depends as she goes out to meet him.  She's terrified her sister won't like anyone and how on earth is she going to be an adult and make her own decisions?  Dental assistant school hasn't taught her squat!! Fortunately for her, Ben goes in and wins the family over immediately.  He is just the right blend of nervous and confident, cracks great jokes, clearly loves her and even talks in the crazy dog voice for the family who, you can see, think he is rad.  The sister's beaming ear to ear.  I'll even say I noticed a clear difference in Ashley with Ben and her fam vs. JP and her fam.  She's WAY more relaxed, at ease and happy with Ben.  

She's going to live to regret letting this one get away.

Good luck with Mr. Hammer & Nails

Summary:  the sister grills Ben and he passes with flying colors. Despite being younger than JP he is clearly more mature, well-mannered and just overall a better fit for Ashley.  Later as she and Ben depart for the day she is visibly relieved the family likes him, he thinks it was a clear sign they're meant to be, and I'm now more certain than ever damn Ashley is going to squish the guy.  Next day for their final date he is going to tell her he loves her.  First they go on a helicopter ride, then she takes him to an outdoor healing mudbath where they strip to swimsuits and rub mud all over each other, she taking particular note to stuff her hand in her own top and give him a free show.  As I said, ho.  They kiss and float around, it's idyllic. He's going to spill it tonight, which indeed he does do after telling her he's asked and received her family's blessing to ask her to marry him.  It's romantic, sentimental and just all around beautiful.  Until she sprawls out on the bed, wraps her legs around him and sucks his face off giving zero indication she will not be choosing him over JP.

Back to JP it's time for his last date:  all I remember is him whining some more about her sister won't give him a chance and is so judgmental (high pitched voice for effect).  *CRINGE*  Ashley is grateful for her sister's questioning so they can really think it over.  He doesn't need to think it over, he wants it all to be over so they can be together.  In a desperate attempt he tells her he loves her before he completely bites the dust and, as we've seen all season, she takes pity on the underdog.

weasel

Later in his room, he gives her a scrapbook of some picture of the two of them plus a note that says 'baby' at the end, and they can fill up the book if she picks him.  Spare me.  These two are a couple of babies.  

In the worst ending in Bachelorette history, we see Ben and JP each pick out rings for Ashley.  Ben tells Neil Lane it's the real deal and she's the one.  JP's just not sure aka is it over yet?  Did I win, Neil?  Or will my ex-girlfriend back at home still be laughing at me for pining away over her for the past 3+ years (true story look it up).  Ben is confident--in all the time he has spent with Ashley she has given him zero indication she is not in love with him.  He is looking forward to spending the rest of his life with her.  He lost his dad, but now today she will be a new and welcome member to his family.  It's heartbreaking.  We know what's coming.  She said, "I'm letting a guy go who is not going to see it coming." Meaning she knows exactly what she has been doing this entire time.  I'm pissed mad.

Ben meets her in the driftwood circle, says the nicest things to her, gets down on one knee (SHE LETS HIM GET DOWN ON ONE KNEE) and proposes while she stands there in silence and leaves him down there for a good 10 seconds.  No exaggeration.  She is disgusting.  If I thought she was bad before, I really had no idea just how bad she really is.  My assessment:  This woman has great need for attention and Ben is a catch she never otherwise could have caught.  He, in her eyes, is the not so safe bet so she's going with JP the insecure.  Good luck with that, Asslee.

Ben does not go out peacefully.  He is hurt and angry and walks away.  She tries to tell him he's smart and great (yawwwwwn Ashley.  seriously you have zero ideas on how to relate to people!!) he rips her and tells her not to sugarcoat it.  Good things don't end well and bugger off (in not so many words).  He drops a couple eff bombs in the interview and with good reason:  he had NO CLUE she was not in love with him!! She is a despicable little brat.  They send him off the island in a boat only one step up from a dingy that floats on by Ashley who is right back in the driftwood circle waiting for JP who is flying over.  ABC HAS ZERO CLASS AND TASTE.

Cut to scene:  she chooses JP and then calls him baby while they run out into the water where she gathers her dress and gives us one parting a** shot before the curtain drops.  

One word:  DISMAL

After the Final Rose summary:  Chris Harrison wears a rug, Ben F to this day has no idea when she decided it wasn't him, he asks, she avoids the question and never gives an honest answer, he remarks that he walked away with his dignity, it flies over her head that he's implying she left with ZERO DIGNITY (I still think she never arrived with any so there was nowhere but down for her) while the audience claps and claps.  She's wearing such a short skirt they have to position the flowers on the table not to give us a shot of her a** or God only knows what else.  JP comes out in the worst pair of shoes I've ever seen and NO SOCKS.  All I can think of is sweaty, smelly feet while the sister rolls up and fakes that she likes him.  She doesn't and she's going to be right.  He's insecure as the day is long and all but says the sister sucked it for telling the truth--he didn't appreciate the way she did it.  Wah wah wah.  Ashley's moving to NYC and they're getting an apartment.  He makes sure it's known they'll be celebrating Hanukkah.  Oh yes, this is going to be real interesting.  

Where's Ben F.?  Are you out there Ben F?  I know you watched this season and are now thanking your lucky stars (and wine bottles) you did not end up with this mess known as Asslee.  We're right there with you!! Narrow escape my friend, but a glorious one at that.

Bachelorette recaps over and out.  Whew!

The Bachelorette Recap: She's Come So Far and Still Has No Clue

Line of the night goes to Jill Zarin (speaking to Alex McCord aka hag) :  You are an effin' b*tch.

Wait a second.  Wrong show. Far better though--and TRUE THAT JILL ZARIN! #fave

What can I say?  Half my brains are mush from watching ABC stretch 7 minutes of programming over 2 hours yet again tonight on the Bachelorette.  Thank God in heaven this trainwreck is almost over.  For the record this may be the shortest recap in Bachelorette history.  You can thank me later.

Scene opens and I don't know what happened because I was in the kitchen making guacamole.  Three minutes later I roll around the corner to Ashley Bachelorette recapping her final 3 bachelors:  Constantine's buff and everything she's ever looked for, Ben's learned a lot from his dad's death and has really opened up emotionally, and JP's a model for what she wants:  a grown man. Yaaaaaaawn.  Second verse same as the first.

Next thing you know Ashley Bachelorette's getting ready to head out on her first Fiji date with Ben when there's a knock at the door and guess who's back?  This is not a trick question.

None other than Mr. Crazy eyes himself.

After a commercial break the scene opens to Mr. Big eyes aka crazy loon stalking the forest a la John Lock from a scene straight out of LOST (cue *those were the days*, you know, of real television).  He's back because he needs to hear from Ashley that it's truly over.  Really?  I'm pretty sure she just told you 4 days ago.  Suddenly it hits me--this guy is the male version of Ashley pining away over Bentley and I commence hoping for a massive breakdown, something, anything to keep me engaged.  Summary:  he gives his spiel to Ashley who tells him she's really missed him, but go to your room and wait until I can figure out if I need to keep you around after all have a minute to talk to you.  Days go by and the wheels begin to fall off his bus...

Meanwhile it's time to get down to biznass with Ben's date.  We see her waiting on a dock in a bad version of my awesome white maxi skirt and her, of course, bikini top.  She's taking him out on a pimp yacht for the day.  It does look kind of fabulous, if you want the truth.  True to form Ashley begins yammering on about her insecurities:  she's terrified of his mom.  Guess what?  He's terrified too--because his mom is an excellent judge of character and I'm sure he was concerned the woman would see right through you Ashley Bachelorette.  He smoothes it over, I accidentally switch the channel and my tv misses the remainder of the time on the yacht.  Woops!  No biggie seeing as it was just more of the usual:

Ashley acting like a ho. 

*Yaaaaaaawns again*

When I get back on ABC they're getting off the boat, Ben thinks the day's been 'hysterically perfect' and I'm left wondering if that's like a hysterical uterus, which coincidentally I have no clue on either.  At the resort for dinner Ashley has squirrel eyes without make-up, he's not ready to say he loves her, they go to the fantasy suite, emerge in bathing suits, he swirls her around in the fantasy pool before barely heaving her out of the water and carting her off to the sack as she yammers on about this could be her happy ending.  Meanwhile I'm still back on Ryan--has he completely lost it yet?  Is he going to pop out of the bushes and go ballistic?  COME ON CHRIS HARRISON.  But instead we get nothing.  We've been robbed yet.again.

Next thing you know Ashley's standing in some grassy field barely clothed while something like Reggae music plays.  Is there a band?  They're not in Jamaica. What is going on??  Please say it's not another flashmob.  Nope there's Constantine.  Why does he have sneakers on?  He mentions his Euromullet.  I'm concerned that he's not revealing his feet.  Red flag.  They fly off in a helicopter to have an aerial tour of Fiji.  She blathers on about sitting next to a Greek God while he talks about her 'crushing his bucket list'. Meanwhile down below on the ground (it really couldn't get any better) Ryan's screws are looser than ever as he watches the helicopter fly over and gets pissy over waiting and waiting and waiting for her to show.

One day you're in.

The helicopter lands and Ashley and Constantine jump off a cliff into the falls.  He's still got his sneakers on hiding what, at this point I've come to suspect, are hideous feet.  Emerging from the stream she immediately tries to force his hand by harping at him about taking too long to select a house-thereby insinuating he's taking too long to drool over her and time is running out dammit!! Do you love me yet or no-ooooot Demitri?  I mean Constantine.  Word of advice here Ashley:  Did you not notice the man is dominant in Greek culture?  This thing is dead in the water.  

And the next day you're out.

Summary:  Mere seconds after sitting down to dinner she continues ragging him to death about not being consumed by his emotions.  Why doesn't he hold her ha-and?  How old is this chick?  Hats off to Constantine who says he has no problem showing his emotions when they come naturally.  'It's like instinctive'--and he has zero instincts for her.  She shamelessly asks where this leaves them as he excuses himself from the table while she sits there dumbstruck.  AHAHAHAHAHA!! This is what we here at the bird refer to as 'snip reversal'.  And in Ashley Bachelorette fashion her insecurities rage like a teenage boy's hormones as she wonders if either of the other two really even want to be with her.  *shakes head*

At this point I'm thinking she just might allow Ryan back into the fold. Nope. She's back on her broom and needs to reassert herself as the snipper.  Off she heads to Ryan's.  She calls him Ry, he calls her Ash.  Then she ruthlessly tells him she's got the two she wants and he's not one of them as she blows him a kiss and strolls off like she's in control.  Girl please. All you did was double up on the meds that morning.

And finally we have JP.  They see each other, hang all over each other, she tells him it was an emotional week, he looks like he's going to have a breakdown, but the seaplane shows up and all is momentarily forgotten.  Wait a second.  Didn't Constantine just have this same tour only by helicopter?  I hope it's an omen.  No dice.  They land on an island all to themselves.  His insecurities rage as he blathers on about wanting it all to be over and the two of them are together.  She gives it away:  do you want to live in Fiji or New York?  All the while the most annoying music plays in the background as he goes off about feeling like the world's ended and it's just the two of them.  Cringe

At the resort JP continues to display he is the male version of Asslee as she tells him she said buh-bye to 2 guys this week.  He thinks it's over!  He's won the game.  Sorry sucker--Ryan returned and got snipped again *insert look of disappointment*.  Continuing the passive aggressive game he refuses to say he loves her.  She practically begs him to tell her.  Next thing you know they're in the fantasy suite.

GAG

In true hooker form she retreats to the bathroom and emerges in Bentley's a white shirt with maybe some lingerie beneath.  Once again she starts talking in a baby voice as they sprawl out on the bed and make out while somewhere I hope Ben is thanking his lucky stars he did not end up with this tart.

In the parting scene she tries to act like Constantine dumping her was her idea, but the tapes don't lie honey and she has to admit it was all him.  Nice try. In an effort to save face (why start now?) she demands a rose ceremony where each guy has to 'seriously consider' if they're ready to move forward.  At this point I'm hoping Ben runs off as she forces both of them, and the viewing audience, to painfully wait through moments of silence while she, what?, tortures them into faking like they're really thinking over if they're going to give her a ring they don't have to pay for?  How dumb is this?? You have zero control Ashley. We get a side shot of her boob in the dress as both of them accept the roses and she yaps on and on about how far she's come but she still doesn't know what will happen in the end.  Meanwhile we have to painstakingly wait two weeks to watch her family pound into her head that Ben's too good for her while JP gets his way and two of the world's most insecure people sail off into the sunset.  

This is worse than Chinese water torture.

The Bachelorette: The Night We Kissed Quality Good-bye

I would like to begin tonight's recap by stating for the record that Ashley Bachelorette wore pants to every single hometown date thereby proving she knows what a hooker she looks like in those t-shirts she calls dresses.  If I was disgusted with her before I don't have words for what I am now.  Tonight's episode took the cake in so many different ways.  What stood out most to me is how completely self-centered Ashley is and how genuinely decent a couple of these guys really are.  They need to get off the show right now even though it's already wrapped.

Let's get down to business. Tonight's episode began with Ashley listing all the things she likes about each guy.  I can't remember all of them, only the most completely ridiculous ones: his build, he's a 'man' (no really? I thought he was a woman) his hair, his physique (yes she said both build and physique), and that their life would be rich (gold digger), he's unique, funny, never met anyone like him, unique, never met anyone like him.  Yes she said the same things repeatedly.

The best part:  after a whacked out description of the four remaining contenders they cut to her apartment in Philly where she's packing up to leave and, pardon me people, but that's temporary housing.  There was not a single personal touch in a studio of approximately 450 sq. ft.  There's no way she lives there.  Nice try ABC.  Her stuff's already in a Public Storage somewhere in LA.  You know I'm right.

Anyway first date's up and she's off to Georgia to meet Opa! (You'll see why I've renamed him in a hot minute).

image via starcasm
Can we be done with him already?  This is getting on my last nerve. 

 I'm about to turn off the tv, but the suspense of
her going up against his father's disapproval sucks me in.

Summary:  They  meet up in a park and the lack of sparks has me slipping into a coma.  Coming to I notice they are in "his restaurant" aka the place his father owns and makes him work because you know he's living at home rent-free. All I notice is the guy has such an over-inflated sense of self you could smell it a mile away.  She's mesmerized by his hair and doesn't notice.  They make a pizza in the kitchen, and she puts together a massive salad (he took her lead on kindergarten games from last week's date) while the wait staff looks on.  Seven to nine minutes later they take their pizza from the oven and head outside where they don't eat a bite, smooch for the female servers spying through the plastic plants and then head over to meet the fam who have the world's largest sign plastered outside welcoming him home.  He's 5 years old.

I'm gearing up for her to get grilled.  You know they want to see if she worships him.  The sister clearly does and I'm weirded out.  I'm waiting on daddio to go off about having kids and sure enough she didn't even get one bite of lamb chop in before he states Constantine is great with kids...and calls her Asslee.  I can't even make it up.  It gets better:  two seconds later the mother hauls Asslee away from the table and out for a chat the Greek Inquisition asking if she's ready for all this.  Asslee states she loves the family (has been there all of 15 minutes), but that's not what Mama Eleni means.  Oh hell no.  She wants to know if Asslee is ready to move there and work in the restaurant living with family.  It could not get any sweeter.  Asslee's on the spot.  Eyes glazed (am I at the winery yet?) Asslee states she has no problem relocating.  Suuuuuuuuuure.  This guy's a mercy snip when it's the final 3 and you know I'm right.  She's a dancer and nothing's getting in her way of DWTS which is not in Georgia.

Speaking of dancing.  Fresh off the hotspot Asslee settles into the sofa proclaiming her love for the family when the doorbell rings and the ENTIRE clan of 100 runs in smothering Constantine with kisses as they break into a giant Greek Opa! dancing circle while the sister states, 'I knew she'd catch on.  She's a dancer,' as the uncle tosses rolls of dollar bills into the air.  Priceless.  

Now is when I started to get bothered.  Next up:  Ben.

  

Despite his monotone voice, this guy has really grown on me.  He's a winemaker with incredible class and has been through a lot with the death of his father.  She's rambling on about his hair, his fashion and his sexy.  Really Ashley?  Are you 15 years old?  Gag.  If his mother and sister are watching this they have to be just sick to their stomachs hoping she did not pick him.

Ben takes her to his Winery, they sample wine, smooch it up and then eat a picnic lunch on a deck in the drizzling rain.  Romance.  I notice he's wearing brand new boat shoes (sans scuffs on bottom) and no socks.  I give him a pass on the no socks when he starts saying how it is of the utmost importance that his mother and sister like her because they are all he has.  A glimmer of hope. Cut to scene and they're at the house.  Why is Ashley wearing those ill-fitting cowboy boots? These people are educated, refined and no-nonsense.  Ashley admits, at the dinner table, that she fell for his hair.  I'm horrified.  The mother is not impressed.  Cut to scene and the sister is seriously questioning him in the kitchen while the mother shows Asslee family photos during which time she asks again if he's always had this hair...oh yes she did.  The mother gives her the most bewildered look.  Asslee 0; Family 462849

All I remember next is Ben telling his mom how he didn't handle his dad's death very well and should have been there for her more than he was, and how sorry he is and wishes he could re-do it.  Then he cries to the camera talking about how much he loves and misses his dad, and wishes he could be there to share in everything going on.  He cried.  I cried.  I bet a lot of America cried.  I'll cry even harder if Asslee picks him because he deserves so much more.  I bet his family told him so, too. PLEASE

From here we head to Mr. Romance/Manners/Intelligence/Man of Many Facial Expressions

Look at this business.  The guy is off the hook.

I'm going to take it to the mattresses for Ames.  The only thing she got right is that he is truly unique and there is no one like him.  How someone of his intelligence could fall head over gushing heels for the likes of Asslee goes to show how isolation in this process leads one to lose the ability to reason.

They enter the house and you can immediately tell his family is put together.  They are well-spoken, cultured and intelligent.  The sister is not stroking Ashley's ego and Ashley does not like it.  They go to chat by the indoor pool and Ashley is mesmerized by this phenomenon barely able to focus on the questions being fired at her.  There's no getting by the sister.  She sees the way her brother is looking at Asslee and Asslee is not looking back the same way.  Asslee, being the gutless wonder she is, admits this relationship is moving slower than the others forewarning of the upcoming rose ceremony like she always does.    Meanwhile the mother, who is the epitome of class, doesn't look at Ames while discussing Asslee.  They're not into her.  Sis tells Ames he needs to pull out the stops because he's going down (paraphrased).  He says he's ready to light a fiyah and packs a picnic taking her out to his favorite magnolia tree on the property.  It was out of a storybook beautiful.

He admits he was somewhat of a nerd growing up, didn't have many friends or do well in school, but wouldn't change a thing because it made him appreciate everything and work hard.  How does Asslee respond?  She says she thinks they have the same brain, think the same way and share the same thoughts.  What.the.hell?  At this point I want to reach in and pull him out of the screen to safety. This chick doesn't even know what mental plane he's on never mind share a similar thought.  Next thing you know he's gushing that it's his most romantic date ever, they awkwardly and I mean awkwardly kiss, and ride a wagon all over the property while drinking champagne after he describes infusing the day-to-day with romance to live a life covered in it.  Run Ames. 

Finally we have the little whiny weasel.  

These two belong together and, I suspect, will end up together.

Not because she likes him best, but because anytime someone whines a LOT 

she gives them a rose.  And this guy is the consummate whiner.

In fact, he began tonight by whining that he 'finally has her all to himself'.  Oh gag already with that!  He takes her roller skating and all I'm thinking is, 'sweaty feet in dirty shoes, sweaty feet in dirty shoes' *shudder*.  They spin around to REO Speedwagon, can't fight the feelin' anymore, and she hangs all over him in junior high PDA.  He tells her he needs a LOT of reassurance in a relationship. RED FLAG ASHLEY.  Oh you know she's picking this one.  

They get to the family who go on and on and on about how he was destroyed after his last break-up.  We get it already! I'm wondering if he tried to off himself or ended up in a psych ward because they won't stop talking about how concerned they are.  They also do everything they can to throw the former girlfriend under the bus.  Classy.  Ashley will fit right in here.  

Line of the night goes to the mother who says:  JP has no trouble finding girls to fall in love with, he just can't keep them and then loses it.  The entire thing goes over Asslee's head.  The mother wants to know how she's dealing with 4 men because her son cannot handle if he doesn't get selected.  Hello Ashley the woman is trying to tell you to snip her kid now or he.will. SNAP in the end! Ashley takes it as flattery rather than a warning and says she just goes with her gut and her head:  both, coincidentally, proven to be useless in this Bentley process.  No worries Mama, she's smitten with JP.  The mother thinks it's an admission that JP wins. Hmmmmm I wonder where he gets it from?

Cut to scene and Ashley emerges from the limo in -you guessed it!- the most skin tight t-shirt/dress and no pants.  Her butt is barely covered.  She proclaims 'I'm home!'--no you're not honey.  Snap out of it. You live in Philly, but we're just not sure where.  Moments later she ruthlessly snips Ames who is is floored.  The word stunned does not adequately describe.  And what does she do?  She takes him outside, shakes his hand and brushes him into the limo while he tells her she is exceptional and he will remember every second of their time together for the rest of his life.

I'm horrified.  Someone needs to make sure she didn't pick Ben or I'm going to have to stage an intervention.  Ames?  Are you out there?  

The Bachelorette: Another One Bites the Dust

I just walked past my bed and seriously contemplated crawling in and leaving it all behind.  Did anyone else walk away from this episode as annoyed as I am?  It's been about a half hour since it ended and I'm legitimately feeling like slapping someone.  Where's JP?  He needs a b*tch slap of epic proportions, but we'll get to that in a bit. *shakes head*

The show opens and Ashley starts blathering on about Taiwan being 'the hidden jewel of Asia because no one knows about it'.  Did she really just say that?  Let's just say I don't think Ames' family is going to be too high on her.  Harvard meet dental school...uh, no.  This thing is dead in the water and we haven't even gotten to the hometown dates.  

Anyway we're off and running with the guys meeting Harrison on the steps during which time Ames almost wipes out on the way up.  Anyone else catch that?  Poor thing.  He's a hot mess.  We learn there will be 3 one-on-one dates and 1 group date.  Lucas says he feels pretty good about his relationship with Ashley and we know he's going down for the count.  Anyone who starts an episode thinking they're in good standing is pretty much getting the boot.  Right out of the gate JP starts what turns out to be an episode of whining.  After the last one-on-one with Ashley he doesn't want anyone else near her and he can't take it anymore.  He wants his mommy!  Who is this guy and what has he done with JP??

First date is announced and I'm shocked:

Constantine the Greek 

Suddenly I have a flashback to the horrible landlord I had when I owned my daycare.  I can't say his name, but he was a hot mess young Greek guy who, guess what?  Owned a restaurant with his papa who treated him like the little heir who could.  Mark my words ladies:  Constantine will never leave the family business to have a flash mob on the lawn at the Galleria.  He is merely filling up space and his daddy is about to let him know about it.  Word to your mother.

First thing I notice:  Ashley Bachelorette's wearing skin tight jeans highlighting her seriously bow legs (not a good look) and, of course, a backless shirt meaning no bra.  What is with this chick?  If she has on a top she refuses to wear pants, and if she's stuffed into pants she's trying to be topless.  Blech.  Anyway back to the date.  Off they go on a train to a remote village and we learn that despite knowing exactly where they were going and what they would be doing Ashley has opted to wear sky high heels.  Of course Constantinople has to carry her on his back as they make their way to arts and crafts time at the Love Wish Lantern station.  They do things 5 year olds do like paint stick people and wedding rings on this lantern while Ashley 'freaks out that he is taking it so seriously'.  *someone get the knife out of my hands*

Back at the hotel date number two is announced as Ben (a tinier version of Constantine for anyone who hasn't noticed) as Ryan boldly states that she must be saving the best date for last--him.  How this guy has any teeth left in his head at this point is a mystery to me.  Annoyballs.

Returning to Constantine and Ashley Bachelorette he takes the dominant position asking what she sees in him (puff up your ego much?) and all I remember is her mumbling something about he's a family man because the real reason is he resembles Ben and it's just a matter of time before Ben and JP are in the final two.  Are we there yet? Oh, and she asks if he can keep himself from falling for her until after hometown dates all but telling him he's getting the boot at that stage and don't get all messy about it mmmmkay pizza man?  At this point I notice she is annoyed by him--he is not falling all over her and she can't stand it.  There is zero chemistry between them as they release their love lantern and I fight to stay awake. Yaaaaaaaawn.  Next.

Up next:  Ben aka Mr. Romance

See what I mean?? He looks like Constantine's twin!

Immediately Ashley Bachelorette resumes making zero sense talking about the last date with Ben was out of this world, but she needs to know if it's emotional and physical.  Why?  Because 2 days have gone by and you can't remember?  *digs for my pills* Worse yet she spills the beans that at this stage she likes 2 guys.  Thanks for nothing Ashley Bachelorette!  We already know it's Ben and JP, but couldn't you have just zipped it and played along?

They hop on some moped, she's wearing shorts and all I can think about is how that moped is doing nothing for her bow legs and I wish she'd stop wearing neon.  Sad but true.  As they zip off through picturesque gorges Ben spouts off cheesy lines about fairytales and precious cargo before they make out on a bridge and I dream of tossing myself off it.  Next thing you know Ashley and Ben are back on the moped pulling up to a hotel in the middle of the night, but miraculously when they get off she's wearing a neon green top and the world's shortest skirt.  Magique.

It goes from bad to worse as her insecurities flare:  What if your family sees me for the nut job I am is skeptical? aka it's me or them buddy and you better have the right answer!!  He says some crazy business about progression, the 'L Bomb' and opening up.  At this point I zone out.  This guy is taking it waaaaaay too seriously and I'm getting worried.  Her hair looks like a bowl cut with a horsetail attached in back and she's giving zilch for a response, but when the camera gets her alone she's calling him her boyfriend? I need a translator.

Meanwhile back at the hotel Ryan has been on pins and needles having not slept for 2 nights wondering if he's ever getting his one-on-one.  Please tell me this guy doesn't live in my neighborhood.  PLEASE.  Verdict's in:  Ryan gets the date while Lucas wonders wtf is going on between Ashley and Ryan because he just doesn't get it.  Ding ding ding JR Ewing--your number's up!

Next thing we know it's morning time and Ben's bed hasn't been slept in.  JP needs Depends and a box of Kleenex.  He's on the edge of a straight jacket and there's no reeling him in.  Ben rolls in and everyone wants an answer to the all consuming question:  did they do the deed?  JP storms out as Gentleman Ben announces separate beds, but that's not good enough for JP.  WTF is Ashley up to?  Didn't they just have a hot date back in Hong Kong? How long until they're back in NYC with his family?  Slow down young gun or ya might get snipped.  At this point I am officially done with JP.  Raging jealousy is never a good thing.

Before you know it it's group date time.  Lucas notes it's gonna suck because JP's being a b*tch and they have to be around him all day long.  Good call as this exact thing happens when Ashley Bachelorette proceeds to make them each of them dress up in 'wedding attire' to take fake wedding photos.  Oh no she did not.  Oh yes she did.  I'll let the pictures do the talking.

Lucas in a gold kimono type thing.

I'm sorry but this is all I can find and all I can say is Ames and Lucas are saints and

Ashley has once again displayed that she has zero brains and compassion.

What self-respecting man would be okay with this??

Brief synopsis:  Lucas has to wear a gold dress thing which she says she thinks he'll like because he's 'traditional'... read:  she's trying to turn him against her already.  When he calls her out on it she says it's not a dress, it's a long shirt and turns into a total biznatch.  You know he sealed his own fate right then and there because she has zero tolerance for anyone who calls her out.  Remember Ryan from last episode? *cue 'come sail away'*  She knows a long shirt from a dress--she's been wearing short shirts as dresses all season damn you! Anyway Ames gets jammed into a baby blue tux with sequined lapels while JP turns his frown upside down upon learning Ashley picked out a real live tux for him so she must like him best!  Cut to scene and they're taking fake wedding pictures in front of each other while she sucks face with each of the guys and can't understand why they're feeling like it's all a big joke.  Zero intuition in the house!  Ames pulls out all the stops showing her pictures of his family, but JP zooms in with a big ball of whiny baby so what does she do?  Gives him the rose thereby slapping Ames, his pink pants, and Lucas right in the face.

Remember the last person she did this with?  CRAZY RYAN

Speaking of which it's time for his one-on-one.  And here's where it gets juicy--and I don't mean Juicy Couture given the color of his shirt...

  

Immediately I notice she's in semi-tight white pants and flats.  This is the kiss of death for Ryan, even though she's managed to throw him a bone with the open back shirt and lack of bra.  She's a ho.  She takes him by the Match Making temple, they throw down rocks that land on the same side and it's a bad omen.  Reading the signs she continues to send him negative signals that go entirely over his head.  He's noting the sun has emerged, Tai Chi is good energy in/negative energy out, wow that's a huge Koi...as she tells him she knows approximately zero about the environment and doesn't care much.  One time she even threw a plastic bottle in the garbage and a guy dumped her.  Do ya hate me yet, Ryan?  Nope he wants to educate her on hot water heaters and what a waste they are as she takes a trip to planet Ben or planet JP--who lives closer to LA?

At this point she starts fake crying and tries to snip him.  God in heaven I wish I had a screen shot of his shocked face.  'You don't want to meet my family????" It looks like she kicked him in the nether regions.    He tries his usual playing on her guilty side, "I was so looking forward...oh whatever...." And he's out!  But not before he hangs on her, groping her backless shirt.  This guy's a sick dog.

But that's not the best part:  when they go to interview him he all but BURSTS OUT LAUGHING in the camera.  He was not shaken up one bit.  He was totally trying not to pee his pants laughing.  It was so bad he turned his face, gasped repeatedly and ran off into the bushes.  The guy went up about 2659531 notches in my book at that point!  It was so bad they had to voice over while he walked the streets without any close ups of his laughing face.  Then they got him at the end completely wiping one fake tear while you know they died laughing over what a joke this entire season has been.  AHAHAHAHAHA!! You know this guy was in massage parlors all over Asia while these dates were going on.  I'd bet money.  

I'd also bet she second guesses herself and wants him back at the end of the show.  She's nuts.

Anyway--it's time for the rose ceremony, but she doesn't need one.  Ashley Bachelorette knows who needs to go.  She's over Asia, this entire process and just wants to go home.  She doesn't like anyone and faking it is a lot tougher than it looks.  Chris Harrison announces no rose ceremony and Ames is stunned.  This is not good.  He thought Ryan was the top contender and now he's gone.  What does it all meeeean?  I'll tell you what it means Ames:  it means you've been sloshed for weeks.  Ryan has never been a top contender and you need to see a doctor for that hit to the head.

JP is suddenly Mr. Nutsack.  It's no biggie guys.  She doesn't need a rose ceremony I have my rose because she knows what she's doing.  Next thing you know Ashley emerges in her gunnysack and is losing all the dead weight.  Lucas goes out with class while JP beams in the corner.  What a weasel.  Ashley admits she has no idea what she's doing while the rest of us realize all she really knows how to do is not wear pants.

To add insult to injury we  have to watch that sniveling Emily wax on about how it didn't work out with Brad.  Clue #1--pack up your crap and get the apartment close to him before 3 months have gone by honey.  Clue #2--Stop reading the rag magazines and getting sucked into the lies that he has other girlfriends even though he's calling you non-stop.  Clue #3--Stop saying dot dot dot.  Clue#4--If you want us to think you don't want anymore paparazzi attention and to be the next Bachelorette then why did you emerge from the limo in one of Ashley's skirts?? and finally Clue #5--If you didn't want to sit there, then why are you??  Because you want to be the next Bachelorette.

She reeked of insecurity in the After The Final Rose ceremony and I felt bad for Brad.  He finally decides to grow up and be a man and ends up picking the most insecure (albeit pretty) one of the bunch.

I long for the good old days:

Bentley?  Are you out there??

The Bachelorette: Death of the Dot Dot Dot

This b*tch blogger.  I just finished the entire post, went to click publish and it erased the entire thing.  I am so over this piece of crap!!  I can't even remember what I wrote. Nooooooooooooooooooo

Here we go again:  suffice it to say it's a good thing I purchased some Ketel One prior to the show.  It helped me get off on a good foot and apparently I'll be downing it for the remainder of the evening.  I would just like to note from the get go that Ashley is in no way, shape or form ready for a mature relationship.  'Of course she isn't Carrie,' you say to yourselves 'She's on tv attempting to launch her career find love'. Well yes that too, but how about her faulty mentality in regards to complete honesty.  'Hey guys I just wanted to let you know that while I've been dating and sucking face with most of you I've been pining away for Bentley since the first time I saw him and even after he left, but he dumped me for the last time earlier this week right here in Hong Kong so I am now sure my husband is in this room!  Let's do this!!'  Good grief.  What is wrong with her?? (sorry we don't have all year to discuss).

Immediate thoughts:

1. Ashley is wearing pants.
2. Ashley should have stuck with the shirts dresses.
3. Winnie the Pooh is in theatres July 15th!!
4. Don't mess with Lucas.
5. Or the Dylan McDermott look-a-like.
6. Kentucky Grilled Chicken looks amazing.
7. Holy crow Jaycee Dugard is doing an interview with Diane Sawyer on the 10th.  WOOT!
8. Ashley is clueless.
9. JP is so, JP.
10. Is she really going to leave this trainwreck with no one?? Somewhere Mike Fleiss laughs maniacally.  

Tonight's show opens with ominous music and for a second I think I'm watching The Crow.  Nope here comes Ashley.  She's wearing pants.  Wait a second.  Pause. Rewind.  Yep those are pants.

This entire first segment can be summed up in one word:  Bentley.  Harrison shows up in Ashley's room dropping the bomb that Bentley's in the hotel.  SHUT UP she says.  No Ashley bachelorette YOU SHUT UP.  We've been waiting for weeks for you to get dumped.  Get over to that room and don't you dare take your pills before heading out.  We want the full breakdown!!  Off she tears down the hallway:  she can't believe he's here (even though she demanded Harrison produce him so she could get closure him back in the process),  she feels the same way she did 4 days ago when he was here, if he wants to stay there's still hope and she doesn't care what anyone thinks.  She knocks on the door and line of the night goes to Bentley:  'who is it?' He bloody knows it's her and is already trying to send her the message.  *passes out laughing*

Once inside she clings to him then tries to play it cool with whack lines like 'do you come here often?' when suddenly it dons on her:  this guy left of his own accord and is less than enthusiastic to see her.  For a second he says they were on the same page and he misses her.  Wha?  Do I need to put down the Ketel One??  Nope--seeing the cuckoo bird look in her eye Bentley quickly recovers 'imploring' her to see what she has here in the guys who remain.  He's in Utah, she's not and that's the way it's going to stay.  The lightbulb goes on and rage fills the room.  Ashley bachelorette realizes she's been dumped!  How dare he?? He's put a period at the end of her dot dot dot and she's not havin' it!!  She drops some cuss words, possibly an eff and stomps out the door telling him he should have called.  Wait a second lady--you had them call him.  He actually made it pretty clear he didn't want to talk to you anymore when he left last time.  This is your own fault for not knowing how to take a hint--hel-loooo!

Back in her room she's feeling embarrassed as all hell liberated as she thumbs through her shirt dress collection.  Enjoy it while you can lady.  Someone's about to rip you a hole or three, but first it's date time.

First up:  Lucas

Or as I shall refer to him after tonight -- Don't Waste My Time

Lucas has never been to Hong Kong, New York or, I suspect, Disneyland.  Off they go and I immediately notice Ashley is wearing pants.  Not a good sign for Lucas aka mercy rose and easy to eliminate near the end of the process when someone's gotta go, but preferably someone strong so it's not messy (west bawling his eyes out in that one clip? horrible!).  Back at the date Lucas is merely hoping for a kiss and a dance.  She needs to feel the romance with him and thinks it could happen because she's not thinking about Bentley at all anymore even though she can't stop talking about him to the camera.  Summary:  Lucas gets his kiss after having to ask for it and then they dance.  He's on cloud nine, she likes his 'manlihood'.  I can't even go there *dies laughing*. 

Back in the hotel Blake and Ryan pee their pants wondering which of them will get the one-on-one.  Neither of you two sissies--it's JP for the win!  Ashley needs to regain confidence with her main face sucker after being ruthlessly dumped yet again by Bentley.  But first we have the group date.

Dragon Boat Racing.  Why?  Sigh.

Wait a second.

This looks like the dragon that was yanked out from under me by a certain obnoxious...

*blacks out*

Ashley's on the beach in her pants with midriff hanging out as she's tossed on a bikini top to take on the day.  Back in sport mode she's divided the guys into 3 teams of 2 directing them to dart out into crowds and recruit rowing teams that will race for her love.  I'm going to need 14 Ketel Ones to make it through this mess.  The twins Ben and Constantine can't recruit squat so opt instead to purchase red kimonos that then attract their ensemble of characters--primarily women.  Blake lets Ryan use his annoying electric personality to rustle up a bunch while Ames and Mitch, the brains and brawn, go for the throat assembling a group of actual dragon boat racers.  Taking to the seas Ames and Mitch blow it out of the water and later, as they sit on the beach in a huddle, a proposal takes place just kitty corner to their group. Ashley thinks it's a sign seeing as she has totally forgotten about Bentley even though she's still yammering on about him non-stop.

Cut to scene and it's evening.  Ames tosses Ashley into an elevator hitting floor 48 and attacking her face in, quite possibly, the most awkward kiss scene in Bachelorette history.  All I remember is his nose smushed into the side of her cheek *turns embarrassed face*.  His head is spinning, she's starting to think these guys are really here for her and is so glad she's stopped thinking about Bentley as she brings him up for the 36501284 time on this episode alone.  Back at the group Ashley sucks face with Ben for awhile.  He's wearing a pastel yellow sweater.  He's gotta go.  Ryan's next once again whining about not getting a one-on-one so she in predictable Ashley bachelorette mode she hops up, grabs the rose from right in front of the others and gives it to him.  The others are half stunned/pissed mad.  Ashley bachelorette has once again proven her knack for zero intuition and ability to read others.  Must have been quite the awkward ending because next thing you know we're on JP's date.

Around this time it hits me:  JP looks like the Chef.

How did I not notice this before??

This guy warms my heart.  Please Run JP, RUN!! Can she for once stop wearing sweatsuits and leggings around him?  He's the best:  sweet, kind, a good listener, wicked smile, he thinks they're meant to be and that he'll be down on one knee in a month--he's ballsy too!  We like, we like!  She of course has to kill it in every way possible by asking the last time he cried and is he over his ex for reals??  What is wrong with her?? I can't stop throwing this question into the night!!  Next thing you know she blurts out that Bentley was in town and she just neeeeeeeded to tell him so that everything is in the open at the end when she picks him so there are no surprises.  You can see the kicked gut look on his face, but he takes it in stride.  He's the one.  I'd bet money.  They end up on some tram ride to the top of a mountain where they overlook Hong Kong, drink champagne and make out.  Can we just cut to the end and tell me she doesn't eff this up??  Better yet tell me he runs away.  Please!! Someone?  Anyone?  Anyone?? Bueller??

I look at the clock and it's 9:40.  Out she strolls in some silver sequined mess that does approximately zero for her broad shoulders, but certainly has her boobs hanging out.  Has she had a boob job?  I'd bet...oh whatever.  She has a great idea!  Let's tell all the guys how hung up I've been on Bentley and now I'm over it and am certain my husband JP is in this group.  Um heard of Hiroshima there Ashley?  Not a smart move.  They all go nuts and several of them call her out:  they're there for her and she's pining away after some guy who left the show? They're not stupid.  They know she's the one who got dumped by Bentley and if he wanted to come back she'd have tossed him right back in the mix.  She excuses herself to fake cry.  Lucas is pissed!!  His #1 pet peeve is someone wasting his time.  He is second to no one!! Well, except everyone in that room.  Blake tries to rip her, but she starts up with the fake crying and he gets sucked in only to be scathingly eliminated less than 5 minutes later as she tosses him the evil eye for daring to call her out.  Mickey the chef rips her and asks her to send him home because he's nothing like Bentley and that is clearly her type.  She gets on her broom and demands that he excuse himself--so he does.  Good for him!! She's a classless fool pretending to "care so much for all them" when the truth is each and every one is her second choice to Bentley who she is totally over, but still talking about every single chance she gets.  

Oh JP please be the one who gets on that plane and flies away.  PLEASE.  Oh yes--didn't I mention?:  they show flashes of the remainder of the season and it appears as though she still cannot make up her mind in the end.  It showed clips of almost every guy except JP, her being conflicted, and finally her bawling in the end as she goes running out of the rose beachy Fiji circle when a plane flies away with one of "The Ones"--or maybe both.  A girl can dream!!

The Bachelorette: What the Hell Was That?

I'm sitting here dumbfounded.  I honestly don't know what I'm going to write.

Ashley's a duh  head.  Okay there's a start.  Pull up a chair and let's discuss.

Other immediate thoughts:
1. Every one of them is too good for her.
2. Have all these guys been on the past couple weeks??  I swear there are 3 I've never seen before.
3. My mind is numb.
4. Ashley deserves Bentley.
5. Who even PUT a pair of pink shorts in that boxing layout??
6. Nervous giggles are for 2nd graders *ahem Ashley*
7. William is rat b*stard.
8. Buh-bye William!
9. Can Ashley think for herself?
10. Can Ashley think?
11. Does Ashley know what pants are?
12. Is there not a wardrobe stylist attached to this show?
13. Is Chris Harrison in love with Ashley??
14. Pills please.  Ben F can share his with me.
15. I thought those b*tches at ABC told me Bentley was this week?? I have to watch this mess AGAIN NEXT WEEK??
16. I really don't know if I can do it.  My head's aching and I feel like I ate garbage.

Welp, here's how I'd sum up tonight:  BUZZKILL.

The show opens and it's over before it starts.  Ryan goes off on how exciting it is to be flying around all over the world looking for love, quickly adding "following Ashley".  Tell on yourself much?  Off they go to Chiang Mai where Nick states he wants to take the relationship to the next level.  Um Nick, have I seen you before?  More importantly does Ashley know you're on the show?  You better dye your hair and curl it or you're out the door.  You don't look anything like Bentley.   Speaking of Ashley here she comes in one of Bentley's old shirts belted at the waist.  You know, the one she pilfered from his bag as he tried to shake her from his leg as he ran out the door.  Why me?  Once again Ashley makes zero sense as she's clearly miserable yet states if things keep going the way they have been this could be a very happy ending for her...she's medicated.

Next thing you know Chris Harrison pops into the man pad announcing the the date rundown.

• A one-on-one
• A group date
• A dreaded two-on one date where one of them gets sent packing.

Men become women and begin quaking over who's going to get the dreaded two-on-one.  I want to slap all of them and scream, "she doesn't like any of you fools!!" Instead I try desperately to fast forward a show that is only just being recorded.  Help me


First up we have Ben F.

*Notice I can't even be bothered to seek out appropriately sized images.  

That's how exasperated I am right now.* 

Date summary:  zzzzzzzzz.  I almost fell asleep 3x. Here's what I remember:  Ashley rolls in wearing some atrocious pink top and a white skirt that does not cover her rear end.  No it did not.  All the men go ga-ga over her chemistry with Ben F.  Little do they know she's in love with his hair because it reminds her of Bentley.  Ben/Bentley--don't tell me you didn't catch that correlation.  He wants to build on the foundation of love.  I see he's wearing Crocs and zone out.  I come to and they're cruising the market.  Her butt's hanging out keeping watch on what's to the rear.  I'm embarrassed for America.  They stand outside an ancient temple, the camera pans up her skirt.  Thankfully she's in the distance.  They sit on the bench, the camera crew can't film the side of her leg because her uncovered *ss is quite literally on the bench seeing has her skirt is too short to cover it.  Despite her sacrilegious skirt at the temple she claims they cannot kiss because they are on sacred ground.  Instead they kiss mentally.  SOS.    I come to and they're on part two of the date.  Hold the phone:  she's wearing pants.  He says something about being an emotional zombie last year.  I concur on the zombie part.  She says he's saying all the right things and for the first time in a long time (you know since yesterday when she almost sucked JP's face off on the beach in front of everyone) she's feeling hopeful.  I'm feeling the need to check myself  into a mental hospital.

Date Two:  The Group Date

That's how we're going to sum it up.

Ashley's planned a day of Muay Thai which is essentially kickboxing + regular boxing + b*tch slapping to the death.  After some practice with professionals it is apparent that Ames is going down.  Between Harvard and Yale he's never even had time to fight, much less scrap around in a ring with a bunch of meatheads who want to prove themselves to someone who couldn't give a rip about a single one of them.  She's taken the liberty to lay out gear for them...one of these outfits is pink and Ames, of course, gets it.  After being taken in an open air taxi to a ring in the middle of town square, Ames can be seen frantically searching for his credit cards and/or the trap door to escape back to the Hamptons.  Everyone's paired off to take their turn fighting each other as Ashley squeals on the side claiming she doesn't like it.  Line of the night award goes to Lucas:  "You're the one who set up the date".  Gotta love those oil patch kids.  I'll skip the details because who cares about boxing.  Bottom line:  Ames gets thumped in the head several times by Ryan the desperate lunatic and moments later is whooshed away by Medivac to the emergency room.  

Ashley's really scared right now...so scared she doesn't accompany Ames to hospital despite the fact that he has clearly had his bell rung (no pun intended). She has no time.  She needs to speed this thing up and get it over with:  Is Bentley back yet??  Two seconds later we flash forward to the evening/cocktail party gathering of the date.  Ashley arrives in her black t-shirt, hair flapping in the wind.  She hopes Ames is there so it doesn't ruin the mood.  Self-absorbed much?  Ryan the beater proceeds to show her all the damage Ames did to him...uh Ames was a set of flailing arms and legs.  He didn't connect once thereby proving that Ryan beat himself up in his room to further himself in the race to Ashley giving him the hand and sending him home.  Blah blah blah Ames shows up with a concussion.  It's actually sad.   Blake whines about something and gets a rose.   End scene.

The Dueling Death Date--whose gonna get the rose??

  The Roaster 

                     vs. 

                          Mr. Flash Mob

William's had his man claws out ever since this date was announced.  Off they go paddling Ashley down the river and William's p*ssed!  He's paddling in front while she sits closer to back where Ben C.'s paddling.  He's doing all the weeeeerk.  *Except the little Thai man wading down river next to you is guiding your raft in the water because neither of you can paddle worth sh*t*.  Pardon my French.  Within moments of docking William wants a moment of Ashley's time.  He doesn't want to throw Ben under the bus, but you know Ashley Ben's been telling everyone he can't wait for this to be over and he's gonna get busy internet dating once back at home.  Oh.hell.no.he.did.not.just.pull.this.  Oh yes he did.  She, of course, takes the bait and cuts the date short snipping Ben on the spot without giving him a chance to defend himself.  She's on her broom tonight folks.  By this time Ben is equally, if not more, disgusted with her and sails off.  Moment's later it's night time.  Ashley's wearing a short pink spandex t-shirt and no pants as she and William sit down to dinner.  Moments later she ruthlessly snips him too, takes her broom and sweeps his sorry behind into the van with barely a bye bye muttered in her baby voice.  William calls himself a bunch of names as he speeds off--admitting he's a loser, a child, and wants to go to bed and never wake up.  Hope ABC has PTSD counseling for these people.  This guy has serious issues...and to think he was her favorite at one point.  Big shocker.

Back at the ranch Ashley's insecurities are rearing their ugly head yet again.  She's a raging lunatic.  Out she stomps in yet another t-shirt and some cheesy stripper heels blabbing on about how not everyone is going to love her, but they need to be real.  FAIL Ashley FAIL.  Newsflash Ashley:  men do not find massive unjustified insecurity to be attractive.  At this point all remaining look at each other with the crazy eyes knowing she's missed her afternoon pills.  She fakes a few conversations with Ryan the cuckoo bird, Nick the fuzz mop who she all but told was going to be sent packing, and JP who she clams to like but, of course, dun dun dun---can't stop thinking about Bentley.  

At this point I glance up and there are 12 minutes left.  Where the hell is Bentley?? Chris Harrison promised me Bentley this week.  How is she supposed to do a rose ceremony PLUS have a massive breakdown in just over 10 minutes.  I've been robbed!!  She and Chris sit down to have a have a heart to heart dot dot dot about Bentley.  Harrison looks like he's falling in love with her.  I see it with my own two eyes--that guy looks like he's under the Ashley spell.  Those $5 boxes of wine are wreaking havoc everywhere in Bachelorette land!!  Once again she's going on about her intuition (which is non-existent), her connection with Bentley (also coincidentally non-existent) and how she "just doesn't know what's going to happen".  No duh lady.  I'll tell you what's going to happen:  I'm going to lose my mind and rip my hair out watching you make a bumbling a** of yourself on national television!! Flash forward and Nick gets snipped.  He's devastated despite having pretty much been told point blank to bugger off just moments earlier.  Apparently intuition is dead everywhere because he was pretty sure they were falling in love even though he's only talked with her for two seconds once before when he got out of the limo two weeks ago.  What on earth?

Next stop:  Hong Kong and the return of Bentley.  How much you want to bet they drag that out until the second to last show?  I really and truly might be over this sniveling mess otherwise known as Ashley.  She doesn't know if she's going to end up with anyone and that just scares her.  Why??  Ya came in with no one anyway, you're seeing the world in the fanciest way possible, and you're showing a massive audience your lack of pants collection on a weekly basis.  Can someone cancel this show?? I want a new bachelorette.  I want a drink.  I want my mom.  *whimper*