The Bachelorette: What the Hell Was That?

I'm sitting here dumbfounded.  I honestly don't know what I'm going to write.

Ashley's a duh  head.  Okay there's a start.  Pull up a chair and let's discuss.

Other immediate thoughts:
1. Every one of them is too good for her.
2. Have all these guys been on the past couple weeks??  I swear there are 3 I've never seen before.
3. My mind is numb.
4. Ashley deserves Bentley.
5. Who even PUT a pair of pink shorts in that boxing layout??
6. Nervous giggles are for 2nd graders *ahem Ashley*
7. William is rat b*stard.
8. Buh-bye William!
9. Can Ashley think for herself?
10. Can Ashley think?
11. Does Ashley know what pants are?
12. Is there not a wardrobe stylist attached to this show?
13. Is Chris Harrison in love with Ashley??
14. Pills please.  Ben F can share his with me.
15. I thought those b*tches at ABC told me Bentley was this week?? I have to watch this mess AGAIN NEXT WEEK??
16. I really don't know if I can do it.  My head's aching and I feel like I ate garbage.

Welp, here's how I'd sum up tonight:  BUZZKILL.

The show opens and it's over before it starts.  Ryan goes off on how exciting it is to be flying around all over the world looking for love, quickly adding "following Ashley".  Tell on yourself much?  Off they go to Chiang Mai where Nick states he wants to take the relationship to the next level.  Um Nick, have I seen you before?  More importantly does Ashley know you're on the show?  You better dye your hair and curl it or you're out the door.  You don't look anything like Bentley.   Speaking of Ashley here she comes in one of Bentley's old shirts belted at the waist.  You know, the one she pilfered from his bag as he tried to shake her from his leg as he ran out the door.  Why me?  Once again Ashley makes zero sense as she's clearly miserable yet states if things keep going the way they have been this could be a very happy ending for her...she's medicated.

Next thing you know Chris Harrison pops into the man pad announcing the the date rundown.

• A one-on-one
• A group date
• A dreaded two-on one date where one of them gets sent packing.

Men become women and begin quaking over who's going to get the dreaded two-on-one.  I want to slap all of them and scream, "she doesn't like any of you fools!!" Instead I try desperately to fast forward a show that is only just being recorded.  Help me


First up we have Ben F.

*Notice I can't even be bothered to seek out appropriately sized images.  

That's how exasperated I am right now.* 

Date summary:  zzzzzzzzz.  I almost fell asleep 3x. Here's what I remember:  Ashley rolls in wearing some atrocious pink top and a white skirt that does not cover her rear end.  No it did not.  All the men go ga-ga over her chemistry with Ben F.  Little do they know she's in love with his hair because it reminds her of Bentley.  Ben/Bentley--don't tell me you didn't catch that correlation.  He wants to build on the foundation of love.  I see he's wearing Crocs and zone out.  I come to and they're cruising the market.  Her butt's hanging out keeping watch on what's to the rear.  I'm embarrassed for America.  They stand outside an ancient temple, the camera pans up her skirt.  Thankfully she's in the distance.  They sit on the bench, the camera crew can't film the side of her leg because her uncovered *ss is quite literally on the bench seeing has her skirt is too short to cover it.  Despite her sacrilegious skirt at the temple she claims they cannot kiss because they are on sacred ground.  Instead they kiss mentally.  SOS.    I come to and they're on part two of the date.  Hold the phone:  she's wearing pants.  He says something about being an emotional zombie last year.  I concur on the zombie part.  She says he's saying all the right things and for the first time in a long time (you know since yesterday when she almost sucked JP's face off on the beach in front of everyone) she's feeling hopeful.  I'm feeling the need to check myself  into a mental hospital.

Date Two:  The Group Date

That's how we're going to sum it up.

Ashley's planned a day of Muay Thai which is essentially kickboxing + regular boxing + b*tch slapping to the death.  After some practice with professionals it is apparent that Ames is going down.  Between Harvard and Yale he's never even had time to fight, much less scrap around in a ring with a bunch of meatheads who want to prove themselves to someone who couldn't give a rip about a single one of them.  She's taken the liberty to lay out gear for them...one of these outfits is pink and Ames, of course, gets it.  After being taken in an open air taxi to a ring in the middle of town square, Ames can be seen frantically searching for his credit cards and/or the trap door to escape back to the Hamptons.  Everyone's paired off to take their turn fighting each other as Ashley squeals on the side claiming she doesn't like it.  Line of the night award goes to Lucas:  "You're the one who set up the date".  Gotta love those oil patch kids.  I'll skip the details because who cares about boxing.  Bottom line:  Ames gets thumped in the head several times by Ryan the desperate lunatic and moments later is whooshed away by Medivac to the emergency room.  

Ashley's really scared right now...so scared she doesn't accompany Ames to hospital despite the fact that he has clearly had his bell rung (no pun intended). She has no time.  She needs to speed this thing up and get it over with:  Is Bentley back yet??  Two seconds later we flash forward to the evening/cocktail party gathering of the date.  Ashley arrives in her black t-shirt, hair flapping in the wind.  She hopes Ames is there so it doesn't ruin the mood.  Self-absorbed much?  Ryan the beater proceeds to show her all the damage Ames did to him...uh Ames was a set of flailing arms and legs.  He didn't connect once thereby proving that Ryan beat himself up in his room to further himself in the race to Ashley giving him the hand and sending him home.  Blah blah blah Ames shows up with a concussion.  It's actually sad.   Blake whines about something and gets a rose.   End scene.

The Dueling Death Date--whose gonna get the rose??

  The Roaster 

                     vs. 

                          Mr. Flash Mob

William's had his man claws out ever since this date was announced.  Off they go paddling Ashley down the river and William's p*ssed!  He's paddling in front while she sits closer to back where Ben C.'s paddling.  He's doing all the weeeeerk.  *Except the little Thai man wading down river next to you is guiding your raft in the water because neither of you can paddle worth sh*t*.  Pardon my French.  Within moments of docking William wants a moment of Ashley's time.  He doesn't want to throw Ben under the bus, but you know Ashley Ben's been telling everyone he can't wait for this to be over and he's gonna get busy internet dating once back at home.  Oh.hell.no.he.did.not.just.pull.this.  Oh yes he did.  She, of course, takes the bait and cuts the date short snipping Ben on the spot without giving him a chance to defend himself.  She's on her broom tonight folks.  By this time Ben is equally, if not more, disgusted with her and sails off.  Moment's later it's night time.  Ashley's wearing a short pink spandex t-shirt and no pants as she and William sit down to dinner.  Moments later she ruthlessly snips him too, takes her broom and sweeps his sorry behind into the van with barely a bye bye muttered in her baby voice.  William calls himself a bunch of names as he speeds off--admitting he's a loser, a child, and wants to go to bed and never wake up.  Hope ABC has PTSD counseling for these people.  This guy has serious issues...and to think he was her favorite at one point.  Big shocker.

Back at the ranch Ashley's insecurities are rearing their ugly head yet again.  She's a raging lunatic.  Out she stomps in yet another t-shirt and some cheesy stripper heels blabbing on about how not everyone is going to love her, but they need to be real.  FAIL Ashley FAIL.  Newsflash Ashley:  men do not find massive unjustified insecurity to be attractive.  At this point all remaining look at each other with the crazy eyes knowing she's missed her afternoon pills.  She fakes a few conversations with Ryan the cuckoo bird, Nick the fuzz mop who she all but told was going to be sent packing, and JP who she clams to like but, of course, dun dun dun---can't stop thinking about Bentley.  

At this point I glance up and there are 12 minutes left.  Where the hell is Bentley?? Chris Harrison promised me Bentley this week.  How is she supposed to do a rose ceremony PLUS have a massive breakdown in just over 10 minutes.  I've been robbed!!  She and Chris sit down to have a have a heart to heart dot dot dot about Bentley.  Harrison looks like he's falling in love with her.  I see it with my own two eyes--that guy looks like he's under the Ashley spell.  Those $5 boxes of wine are wreaking havoc everywhere in Bachelorette land!!  Once again she's going on about her intuition (which is non-existent), her connection with Bentley (also coincidentally non-existent) and how she "just doesn't know what's going to happen".  No duh lady.  I'll tell you what's going to happen:  I'm going to lose my mind and rip my hair out watching you make a bumbling a** of yourself on national television!! Flash forward and Nick gets snipped.  He's devastated despite having pretty much been told point blank to bugger off just moments earlier.  Apparently intuition is dead everywhere because he was pretty sure they were falling in love even though he's only talked with her for two seconds once before when he got out of the limo two weeks ago.  What on earth?

Next stop:  Hong Kong and the return of Bentley.  How much you want to bet they drag that out until the second to last show?  I really and truly might be over this sniveling mess otherwise known as Ashley.  She doesn't know if she's going to end up with anyone and that just scares her.  Why??  Ya came in with no one anyway, you're seeing the world in the fanciest way possible, and you're showing a massive audience your lack of pants collection on a weekly basis.  Can someone cancel this show?? I want a new bachelorette.  I want a drink.  I want my mom.  *whimper*

The Bachelorette: Intuition is Dead

Oh, and I'm a hypocrite.  A hypocrite who almost cut her finger off in the shower and has now come to realize the value of the pinky finger, but a hypocrite nonetheless.  I swore that ABC wouldn't get the better of me, but the Chef's back at work and when the bachelorette (can't even be bothered to capitalize it) trainwreck came a callin' I caved *hangs head*.  Even worse?  I dvr'd that mother to watch Tuesday night.  Confessional over and out.

Let's begin with a brief summary of immediate thoughts/reactions:

1. Ohhhhhh gawwwwd she's still bawling over Bentley? (cue eyes and ears bleeding)
2. Does Ashley ever wear pants?
3. Does Ashley realize Bentley is gone?
4. What exactly is a "man claw"?
5. Where are my pills?
6. Ashley is barely clothed for her meeting with the Thai date planner. *dies inside*
7. These men behave like women.
8. Will she ever stop blathering on about Bentley? help me
9. Constantine is an advocate for the word 'like'.
10. Ashley has arrived to the group date in a mesh covered bikini.  Hooker.
11.  OMG this fool is going to tell her date she's still thinking about Bentley.  Is this over yet?
12. Ames seems like quite an intelligent man.  Why is he on this show?
13. Does Ashley know the meaning of the word "intuition"?
14. I wonder if Ashley will kick Chris Harrison in the nuts after seeing what a fool he's making of her.
15.  Better question...(dot dot dot annoyballs) I wonder if she even realizes it??

The show opens and within three minutes she's back on the short bus bawling over Bentley -- at this point I begin yawning because it's telltale...his a** will be back within two weeks.  Why on earth has no one told this fool Ashley that Bentley can't stand her? One word:  ratings.

Next up Harrison strolls into the boypad mumbling something along the lines of 'you all must know how serious she is by now.' When were they supposed to catch that - before or after the flashmob date she planned revealing her dance aspirations? Um, Chris Harrison everyone knows she's not serious seeing as she's been clinging to a hairball Bentley up until this point and blatantly bawling her eyes out ever since his departure.  They just want their free trip.  Hand it over.

Cut to scene and Ashley's in Phuket wearing some barely there top and shorts. I blocked out the rest cringing at what the poor Thai lady must have thought of American women based on the mess otherwise known as half-naked Ashley.  Clearly ABC has some deal with Phuket to provide aid, etc. however they send a representative with next to no clothing to be the main face *cringe*.  Blah blah blah and we're at the men's accommodations where they try to one up each other like cats in a bag over who's kissed her and who hasn't.  Oh wait. Imagine that?  Everyone has, except Ames and a couple other guys who haven't gotten more than 2 seconds of nervous glance airtime.  I gagged a little at this point and hit FF on the dvr.  Do these men not realize they're all basically kissing each other?  Pride is dead.

First lucky date:

In a word: noooooooooooooooooooooooo.  Or is that like?  He seems to be a nice guy, she seems to be bored to tears.  Oh wait, she gives him a rose.  Of course she did.  His hair reminds her of Bentley.  She can't stop thinking about him and wonders if she should tell Constantine her feelings.  That's all I remember about this one because I slept through it--I was just following Ashley's lead.  To sum up:  Like.  He said it about 50 times.  Poor thing.  Casualty of bachelorette filler rose--easier to heartlessly badger and then snip the poor guy whose wife passed away. 


Next it's the Group Date aka the place where men shamelessly backstab each other like women over some broad who doesn't like any of them anyway.  Or so she says seeing as she can't stop thinking about Bentley.  Except when she's getting her magical kissing in with JP who is hands down the best kisser, but two seconds later she's back on the Bentley violin playing right into the script of his return.  So predictable.  I sum the Group date up with men bickering and this:

Ashley in her mesh with JP in the rain making out wildly on the beach less than 50 feet away from all the other guys, but less than 3 ft away from the cameras.  10 minutes later she rips off her mesh and goes frolicking into a pool with all the men racing behind her as she splashes around.  Awkward.  Earlier they also did some wonderful charity work for a Children's orphanage called Baan San Fan and some other guy who looks like Constantine got a rose.  Theme:  she's tossing roses at anyone who has hair like Bentley or kisses like him.  shakes head.


Final date:  Ames or as I like to call him, "SHOCKER HOW DID THIS GEM GET ON THE SHOW?"

At first I thought he looked a little cuckoo, but this guy is off the hook.  He is smart, reeks of an Ivy League education, well-spoken, thoughtful, confident yet not overly secure, and what on earth is he getting caught up in this for? *might be a red flag* He is, at this point, the most well-mannered of the bunch and the most well-rounded.  If she doesn't pick him she's nuts.  JP's my gut choice.  I bet it's him--he would be much more inclined to go along with her Hollywood aspirations without any push back.  Ames is a Portfolio Manager so he is not moving to LA to do a flashmob.  Is flashmob one word or two?  By the way--best date ever.  Kayaking through those tunnels? Wow.  Chris Harrison should be giving us all a trip to Phuket for sitting through the Bentley diatribes.  

Now for the best part of the night.  The clincher >>> Chris asks Ashley if she's over Bentley yet?
Somebody keep me from gouging my own eyes out.  Really Chris, REALLY?? How much more can we take?  Just spill it already! You're bringing him back next week. Yawwwwwn.  

Ashley's response (paraphrased): I'm not over him, our connection was so great, I was certain he was The One (there she goes with that again), my intuition says there's something more there.

Pause and reflect.  Now pray tell dear Ashley where on earth has your mighty intuition been up until this point?  Can someone please tell this child she doesn't have any intuition?? If she did she would know Bentley was a pig.  She would know not to get hung up on someone she's been warned about.  She would have the gut feeling he was a liar and that he, essentially, cannot stand her.  Intuition my foot!!  I laughed out loud.  She's out to lunch.  And not with her intuition.

Moments later I then wept as she relentlessly swept poor West out the door without so much as a heartfelt goodbye after badgering him about his readiness for a relationship after the death of his wife.  Not only is Ashley on my nerves, I think this experience has gone to her head despite her constant claims of insecurity.

Stay tuned for next week when Bentley returns.  Yes it was the "big reveal" at the end of the show and am I the only one who thought she was totally faking when they told her he was back in the hotel?? She knew it--my intuition told me.