The Bachelor Recap: With This Twist Tie I Poke My Own Eye Out

Tonight was hometown night on The Bachelor. That blessed time when all we want to see is who the hell is responsible for the narcissist known as Courtney Robertson. Bring it!

First up: Lyndzi

I clocked in where she's riding her horse on the track when Ben shows up wearing his best plaid cowboy shirt. The sun's shining and I could have sworn Lyndzi was from Seattle. Did they say we're in Florida? Maybe my brains really are depleting from watching this? Next thing we know Ben's getting strapped into some horse and buggy contraption looking terrified. Didn't he originally say he was a horse guy? Nobody likes a liar, Ben. Anyway, off they trot once Lyndzi takes the reins and whip. Meanwhile I hope and pray she's somehow gotten wind of his oceanics with Courtney and waited until this very moment to administer a lashing.

No dice.

Lyndzi's got a little picnic set up and immediately the falling off the horse and getting back on comparisons to the game o love start up. *somebody help us* And her. Here we learn she's only ever brought one guy home and it was a guy she lived with. Hold the phone. Mr. Text Message Break-up was a live-in? Ouch. Ouch for her and yay for us. Please say the father has some pent up frustration saved for Ben. This could be the first time in Bachelor history a father socks a weasly mophead in the face for stringing his daughter along!

Love them. For real. Such nice people.

My snark dies when I see the parents. Harry and Margie remind me of my mom and dad. Down-to-earth, super nice people only with dogs instead of cats. Ben awkwardly hops out of the carriage and I notice cut-off cowboy boots beneath his skinny hipster jeans. Disaster. Harry & his wife challenge Ben & Lyndzi to a carriage race that ends in the younger two pulling the older two, carriage and all, back to the house where serious talk commences. These people have only one daughter and they make it clear to Ben, in separate conversations, that she's all they have so he best not eff it up and hurt her. He gets super nervous and wiggles around in his seat--remember this is a hothead who doesn't like anyone but Trashney bossing him around--managing to avoid letting her dad know if he's considering marrying her. Narrow escape because we all know he's just biding time to the Courtney finishline. Did the dad catch it? I'm not sure. He is SO someone's dad and Ben should have more respect, especially considering his own loss. I'm pissed. I especially like Lyndzi's people.. They welcomed him back in the future, they made s'mores, they hugged. Damn you Ben Flajnik!! I hope her mom kicks you in the nuts with her pointy cowboy boot at a future Bachelor event. Look what you let pass by, fool!

Next up was Kacie B.

I'm immediately taken back to that dodo head bachelor guy from Seattle who changed his mind and ended up with Mollie instead of the Dancing With the Stars winner. What was her name again? Melissa!! Remember when he and Mollie were talking during the season and she asked him if he was scared he'd pick the wrong one?? It was straight up foreshadowing that no one caught except me. Okay maybe you did too, but I didn't know you then or we could have high five'd in the end when he b*tchslapped poor Melissa on live tv and told her choosing her was a mistake. What.a.douche. Anyway, Ben admits to Kacie's dad that he's afraid he'll choose the wrong woman in the end. Ive been waiting for a sign like this for the past 3 weeks as that b*tch Trashney has gotten more and more out of control. Please let this be an arrow pointing to her tragic (aaaahahahah) booting on the after show!! PLEASE ABC!!

Back to the matter at hand: Kacie's hometown date summary.

So many levels of wrong I'm not even sure where to begin.

She starts off talking about how she can't wait to kiss him and hug him and welcome him into her family. I'm hoping she's not taking him on a trip to her beloved grocery store. Thankfully (or something) it's marching band time on a rainy athletic field in Clarksville, TN. Please say a football hits him in the head.

No cigar.

Instead I am mortified to see the band part and her come baton twirling to the beat all the way down the middle. When did this girl graduate? Last year?? Lose the baton, honey. Courtney's already shown him all her "worldly goods" and this one is back at gymnastics. Heaven help us. Upon completing her routine she runs down the field and jumps on him, telling him the field is named after her grandfather. This runs into her gushing about her grandparents, their love story and how they passed away within months of each other due to broken heart status. All I'm noticing is this girl is totally spun on Ben and lost a grip on reality. She's run clear past the finishline to their life together in Tennessee. Uh-oh. He better cut her loose or it's about to get ugly up in here. Especially since she drops the bomb that her Dad's a non-drinking, federal probation officer? AAAahahahahaha! It's on!! There'll be no getting the parents liquored up on this round. Wonder if he stopped for Depends on his way over to meet the Fockers? He totally checks out and all but dumps her right there in the stands.

Lean forward so I can check for the scent of liquor on your breath, Flajnik.

At the house the parents toss these two on the grill. She wants them to see this as a serious relationship, her dad wants her to wake up and smell the coffee. Kacie pulls her sister aside, before the heat really gets turned up, and tells her Ben is her future husband. Whoa lady! There's a crazy bus parked outside to take you to wherever Courtney's holed up. The sister gives her the 'dad's not gonna let you' scared look while fresh off traveling the globe Courtney's all 'I can do whatever I want and take risks now'--more to pump herself up than anything else. This house reeks of the iron fist of an overprotective control freak. I'm scared.

On the dad grill, Ben is greeted by a stern father. He wants each of them to find the right person for them--whoever that may be, but if she's not the right one he would appreciate Ben telling her sooner rather than later. The dad just went up a million points in my book. He's sniffed out a lying weasel and laid down the law. Kacie's gettin clipped tonight y'all. If Ben receives anything less than adoration for his ego, he is out. The mother taught her daughters integrity--she wants the same in a son-in-law. Well that's out the window: see naked romp in the ocean with Courtney. Oh. And she doesnt want her daughter living with a man outside of marriage. Flajnik's in the weeds. He's trying to tell them he has traditional values. I'm rolling laughing off the couch. Back on the dad grill she tells him she's in love, the dad flashes a bright light in her eyes and asks if the other girls are too. Thank you, dad. He is not having any of this nonsense marriage talk. Flajnik darts to the car with barely a smooch and that's that. Hear that flatline? This thing's ovah!

Oh no. Nicki the divorcee.

Let's keep this filler short. She's just dead weight anyway. They shop for cowboy boots in good ol' Fort Worth while I notice Flajnik learned his lesson from Lyndzi's and wore the appropriate boot cut jeans. Clichés sound off on boot fits and relationship fits *gag*, they stroll the streets adorned in cowboy hats *cringe*, and I wonder if we're almost done with this. After slinging drinks in the saloon it's yet another picnic. Originality is dead. Apparently the family is not into this bachelor voyage and he's in for another verbal beating. Hopefully they drink. He can't wait to get over there and get it over with so he can lose this chick. It's all over his face, but she doesn't notice due to rambling on yet again about her divorce. Shut.up.lady.

At the parents, everyone hugs while Nicki calls Ben 'Bin'. Annoying. The dad asks Ben if he ever gets a word in edge-wise? This guy knows his daughter. So does the mother who notices her daughter is goonier than she's ever seen, but not sure Ben feels the same. Hel-lo Miss Cleo. Nicki tells her mother she's ready to plan a wedding and have a future with Bin. The mother tells her to slow her roll. The father also tells her to dial it back because she could get hurt--she must have been equally as nuts last time they gave their marital blessing. These people know their daughter doesn't have any brains in the relationship department. She has created some sort of fantasy relationship with Bin in her mind. It does not exist. Where is she coming up with this crap? Ben's just happy to get to the drinks as the dad toasts the two of them, but Nicki drags Bin off yet again to blather on and on and on and on and on and on. Snooze. Someone please shut her up. She has no clue. It's painful.

It's Cuckoo time at Courtney's parents' place in Scottsdale.

Immediately she begins ragging on the other girls due to her own insecurities, but now claims to feel bad about it even though she labels it fighting for love. Can you say conflicted and realizing maaaaybe the editing could cause her some backlash afterward? Hmmmmmm. More rambling about how all men have disappointed and abandoned her *yawn hooker victim*, and they're at the house. Ben's got flowers and wine. First time with both on all the dates. Take note. This fool picked this cheap ho! He gushes to the camera that she's the one he's noticed most--BUT it would bother him to end up with someone who rubbed others the wrong way. Loaded statement, but let's just stick to the possibility of the foreshadowing of him dumping her after the final rose. ABC? You out there!?!

She claims she hasn't brought a guy home in a long time, then two seconds later says her parents have seen her heartbroken many, many times. So which is it? Don't answer that. We all know she's been around and around. It's straight to the booze as dad proposes a toast and Courtney gushes on about like/loving Ben. The mother looks like a crazy witch and it's easy to see where Trashney gets her lack of looks from. The woman is a total biz-natch and clearly thinks Ben is beneath her daughter. Probably mind games to help her crazy ho daughter seal the deal. The apple doesn't fall far from the tree y'all.

'I'm crazy and my daughter's crazy and we talk baby talk.'

Courtney tells the sister Ben's the one. The father asks Ben if he's ready for marriage, Ben dodges. Back inside Courtney confesses to the skinny dip. Crazy meets crazy when the wonk-eyed mother appears to chat with Trash. Peas in a pod doesn't even begin to describe. Courtney says the mother doesn't trust men. This means the father is emasculated beyond belief. Uh-oh. The mother listens, claims she likes him, they talk in baby voices and Courtney calls him 'her guy' in front of everyone. Gag

Troll meet troll.

Going in reverse from the others, they go on another picnic where, in yet another shameless display of no pride, Courtney sets up a fake wedding complete with pastor, aisle, a bowtie for him and rings in some random park. She is NUTS!!! The corny Bachelor music begins--the one they reserve for the one he chooses--and she pulls out pen & paper for them to write their vows. Where is the straitjacket?? Dude. He tells her what he likes about her, she tells him what she wants. Go figure. Then she does some twist on traditional vows and tells him she loves him. They exchange twist ties and, instead of recognizing he's in the presence of a lunatic stalker, Ben is impressed with her effort. And they ride off in a white SUV complete with 'Almost Married' on the window and cans dragging in the dirt.

Somewhere out there Kacie's dad administers the 'I told you so' as she screams into a pillow.

For the first time this season Harrison has a sit down with Ben who glosses over the hometowns by saying the families were all sooooo welcoming, but won't make eye contact on Kacie. He looks uncomfortable.

Aaaaand Kacie B is ruthlessly snipped as Courtney grins on. Uff-da. She shed just a few tears in front of him, and he actually looked choked up. She never saw it coming.

She hollers eff bombs in the back of the car.  I hope she's not still in the corner at her parents' place.

Thank the good Lord he skinny dipped with Courtney so Kacie could see she left zilch in the dust. Two zilches as a matter of fact.

The Bachelorette Recap: She's Come So Far and Still Has No Clue

Line of the night goes to Jill Zarin (speaking to Alex McCord aka hag) :  You are an effin' b*tch.

Wait a second.  Wrong show. Far better though--and TRUE THAT JILL ZARIN! #fave

What can I say?  Half my brains are mush from watching ABC stretch 7 minutes of programming over 2 hours yet again tonight on the Bachelorette.  Thank God in heaven this trainwreck is almost over.  For the record this may be the shortest recap in Bachelorette history.  You can thank me later.

Scene opens and I don't know what happened because I was in the kitchen making guacamole.  Three minutes later I roll around the corner to Ashley Bachelorette recapping her final 3 bachelors:  Constantine's buff and everything she's ever looked for, Ben's learned a lot from his dad's death and has really opened up emotionally, and JP's a model for what she wants:  a grown man. Yaaaaaaawn.  Second verse same as the first.

Next thing you know Ashley Bachelorette's getting ready to head out on her first Fiji date with Ben when there's a knock at the door and guess who's back?  This is not a trick question.

None other than Mr. Crazy eyes himself.

After a commercial break the scene opens to Mr. Big eyes aka crazy loon stalking the forest a la John Lock from a scene straight out of LOST (cue *those were the days*, you know, of real television).  He's back because he needs to hear from Ashley that it's truly over.  Really?  I'm pretty sure she just told you 4 days ago.  Suddenly it hits me--this guy is the male version of Ashley pining away over Bentley and I commence hoping for a massive breakdown, something, anything to keep me engaged.  Summary:  he gives his spiel to Ashley who tells him she's really missed him, but go to your room and wait until I can figure out if I need to keep you around after all have a minute to talk to you.  Days go by and the wheels begin to fall off his bus...

Meanwhile it's time to get down to biznass with Ben's date.  We see her waiting on a dock in a bad version of my awesome white maxi skirt and her, of course, bikini top.  She's taking him out on a pimp yacht for the day.  It does look kind of fabulous, if you want the truth.  True to form Ashley begins yammering on about her insecurities:  she's terrified of his mom.  Guess what?  He's terrified too--because his mom is an excellent judge of character and I'm sure he was concerned the woman would see right through you Ashley Bachelorette.  He smoothes it over, I accidentally switch the channel and my tv misses the remainder of the time on the yacht.  Woops!  No biggie seeing as it was just more of the usual:

Ashley acting like a ho. 

*Yaaaaaaawns again*

When I get back on ABC they're getting off the boat, Ben thinks the day's been 'hysterically perfect' and I'm left wondering if that's like a hysterical uterus, which coincidentally I have no clue on either.  At the resort for dinner Ashley has squirrel eyes without make-up, he's not ready to say he loves her, they go to the fantasy suite, emerge in bathing suits, he swirls her around in the fantasy pool before barely heaving her out of the water and carting her off to the sack as she yammers on about this could be her happy ending.  Meanwhile I'm still back on Ryan--has he completely lost it yet?  Is he going to pop out of the bushes and go ballistic?  COME ON CHRIS HARRISON.  But instead we get nothing.  We've been robbed yet.again.

Next thing you know Ashley's standing in some grassy field barely clothed while something like Reggae music plays.  Is there a band?  They're not in Jamaica. What is going on??  Please say it's not another flashmob.  Nope there's Constantine.  Why does he have sneakers on?  He mentions his Euromullet.  I'm concerned that he's not revealing his feet.  Red flag.  They fly off in a helicopter to have an aerial tour of Fiji.  She blathers on about sitting next to a Greek God while he talks about her 'crushing his bucket list'. Meanwhile down below on the ground (it really couldn't get any better) Ryan's screws are looser than ever as he watches the helicopter fly over and gets pissy over waiting and waiting and waiting for her to show.

One day you're in.

The helicopter lands and Ashley and Constantine jump off a cliff into the falls.  He's still got his sneakers on hiding what, at this point I've come to suspect, are hideous feet.  Emerging from the stream she immediately tries to force his hand by harping at him about taking too long to select a house-thereby insinuating he's taking too long to drool over her and time is running out dammit!! Do you love me yet or no-ooooot Demitri?  I mean Constantine.  Word of advice here Ashley:  Did you not notice the man is dominant in Greek culture?  This thing is dead in the water.  

And the next day you're out.

Summary:  Mere seconds after sitting down to dinner she continues ragging him to death about not being consumed by his emotions.  Why doesn't he hold her ha-and?  How old is this chick?  Hats off to Constantine who says he has no problem showing his emotions when they come naturally.  'It's like instinctive'--and he has zero instincts for her.  She shamelessly asks where this leaves them as he excuses himself from the table while she sits there dumbstruck.  AHAHAHAHAHA!! This is what we here at the bird refer to as 'snip reversal'.  And in Ashley Bachelorette fashion her insecurities rage like a teenage boy's hormones as she wonders if either of the other two really even want to be with her.  *shakes head*

At this point I'm thinking she just might allow Ryan back into the fold. Nope. She's back on her broom and needs to reassert herself as the snipper.  Off she heads to Ryan's.  She calls him Ry, he calls her Ash.  Then she ruthlessly tells him she's got the two she wants and he's not one of them as she blows him a kiss and strolls off like she's in control.  Girl please. All you did was double up on the meds that morning.

And finally we have JP.  They see each other, hang all over each other, she tells him it was an emotional week, he looks like he's going to have a breakdown, but the seaplane shows up and all is momentarily forgotten.  Wait a second.  Didn't Constantine just have this same tour only by helicopter?  I hope it's an omen.  No dice.  They land on an island all to themselves.  His insecurities rage as he blathers on about wanting it all to be over and the two of them are together.  She gives it away:  do you want to live in Fiji or New York?  All the while the most annoying music plays in the background as he goes off about feeling like the world's ended and it's just the two of them.  Cringe

At the resort JP continues to display he is the male version of Asslee as she tells him she said buh-bye to 2 guys this week.  He thinks it's over!  He's won the game.  Sorry sucker--Ryan returned and got snipped again *insert look of disappointment*.  Continuing the passive aggressive game he refuses to say he loves her.  She practically begs him to tell her.  Next thing you know they're in the fantasy suite.

GAG

In true hooker form she retreats to the bathroom and emerges in Bentley's a white shirt with maybe some lingerie beneath.  Once again she starts talking in a baby voice as they sprawl out on the bed and make out while somewhere I hope Ben is thanking his lucky stars he did not end up with this tart.

In the parting scene she tries to act like Constantine dumping her was her idea, but the tapes don't lie honey and she has to admit it was all him.  Nice try. In an effort to save face (why start now?) she demands a rose ceremony where each guy has to 'seriously consider' if they're ready to move forward.  At this point I'm hoping Ben runs off as she forces both of them, and the viewing audience, to painfully wait through moments of silence while she, what?, tortures them into faking like they're really thinking over if they're going to give her a ring they don't have to pay for?  How dumb is this?? You have zero control Ashley. We get a side shot of her boob in the dress as both of them accept the roses and she yaps on and on about how far she's come but she still doesn't know what will happen in the end.  Meanwhile we have to painstakingly wait two weeks to watch her family pound into her head that Ben's too good for her while JP gets his way and two of the world's most insecure people sail off into the sunset.  

This is worse than Chinese water torture.

The Bachelorette: Another One Bites the Dust

I just walked past my bed and seriously contemplated crawling in and leaving it all behind.  Did anyone else walk away from this episode as annoyed as I am?  It's been about a half hour since it ended and I'm legitimately feeling like slapping someone.  Where's JP?  He needs a b*tch slap of epic proportions, but we'll get to that in a bit. *shakes head*

The show opens and Ashley starts blathering on about Taiwan being 'the hidden jewel of Asia because no one knows about it'.  Did she really just say that?  Let's just say I don't think Ames' family is going to be too high on her.  Harvard meet dental school...uh, no.  This thing is dead in the water and we haven't even gotten to the hometown dates.  

Anyway we're off and running with the guys meeting Harrison on the steps during which time Ames almost wipes out on the way up.  Anyone else catch that?  Poor thing.  He's a hot mess.  We learn there will be 3 one-on-one dates and 1 group date.  Lucas says he feels pretty good about his relationship with Ashley and we know he's going down for the count.  Anyone who starts an episode thinking they're in good standing is pretty much getting the boot.  Right out of the gate JP starts what turns out to be an episode of whining.  After the last one-on-one with Ashley he doesn't want anyone else near her and he can't take it anymore.  He wants his mommy!  Who is this guy and what has he done with JP??

First date is announced and I'm shocked:

Constantine the Greek 

Suddenly I have a flashback to the horrible landlord I had when I owned my daycare.  I can't say his name, but he was a hot mess young Greek guy who, guess what?  Owned a restaurant with his papa who treated him like the little heir who could.  Mark my words ladies:  Constantine will never leave the family business to have a flash mob on the lawn at the Galleria.  He is merely filling up space and his daddy is about to let him know about it.  Word to your mother.

First thing I notice:  Ashley Bachelorette's wearing skin tight jeans highlighting her seriously bow legs (not a good look) and, of course, a backless shirt meaning no bra.  What is with this chick?  If she has on a top she refuses to wear pants, and if she's stuffed into pants she's trying to be topless.  Blech.  Anyway back to the date.  Off they go on a train to a remote village and we learn that despite knowing exactly where they were going and what they would be doing Ashley has opted to wear sky high heels.  Of course Constantinople has to carry her on his back as they make their way to arts and crafts time at the Love Wish Lantern station.  They do things 5 year olds do like paint stick people and wedding rings on this lantern while Ashley 'freaks out that he is taking it so seriously'.  *someone get the knife out of my hands*

Back at the hotel date number two is announced as Ben (a tinier version of Constantine for anyone who hasn't noticed) as Ryan boldly states that she must be saving the best date for last--him.  How this guy has any teeth left in his head at this point is a mystery to me.  Annoyballs.

Returning to Constantine and Ashley Bachelorette he takes the dominant position asking what she sees in him (puff up your ego much?) and all I remember is her mumbling something about he's a family man because the real reason is he resembles Ben and it's just a matter of time before Ben and JP are in the final two.  Are we there yet? Oh, and she asks if he can keep himself from falling for her until after hometown dates all but telling him he's getting the boot at that stage and don't get all messy about it mmmmkay pizza man?  At this point I notice she is annoyed by him--he is not falling all over her and she can't stand it.  There is zero chemistry between them as they release their love lantern and I fight to stay awake. Yaaaaaaaawn.  Next.

Up next:  Ben aka Mr. Romance

See what I mean?? He looks like Constantine's twin!

Immediately Ashley Bachelorette resumes making zero sense talking about the last date with Ben was out of this world, but she needs to know if it's emotional and physical.  Why?  Because 2 days have gone by and you can't remember?  *digs for my pills* Worse yet she spills the beans that at this stage she likes 2 guys.  Thanks for nothing Ashley Bachelorette!  We already know it's Ben and JP, but couldn't you have just zipped it and played along?

They hop on some moped, she's wearing shorts and all I can think about is how that moped is doing nothing for her bow legs and I wish she'd stop wearing neon.  Sad but true.  As they zip off through picturesque gorges Ben spouts off cheesy lines about fairytales and precious cargo before they make out on a bridge and I dream of tossing myself off it.  Next thing you know Ashley and Ben are back on the moped pulling up to a hotel in the middle of the night, but miraculously when they get off she's wearing a neon green top and the world's shortest skirt.  Magique.

It goes from bad to worse as her insecurities flare:  What if your family sees me for the nut job I am is skeptical? aka it's me or them buddy and you better have the right answer!!  He says some crazy business about progression, the 'L Bomb' and opening up.  At this point I zone out.  This guy is taking it waaaaaay too seriously and I'm getting worried.  Her hair looks like a bowl cut with a horsetail attached in back and she's giving zilch for a response, but when the camera gets her alone she's calling him her boyfriend? I need a translator.

Meanwhile back at the hotel Ryan has been on pins and needles having not slept for 2 nights wondering if he's ever getting his one-on-one.  Please tell me this guy doesn't live in my neighborhood.  PLEASE.  Verdict's in:  Ryan gets the date while Lucas wonders wtf is going on between Ashley and Ryan because he just doesn't get it.  Ding ding ding JR Ewing--your number's up!

Next thing we know it's morning time and Ben's bed hasn't been slept in.  JP needs Depends and a box of Kleenex.  He's on the edge of a straight jacket and there's no reeling him in.  Ben rolls in and everyone wants an answer to the all consuming question:  did they do the deed?  JP storms out as Gentleman Ben announces separate beds, but that's not good enough for JP.  WTF is Ashley up to?  Didn't they just have a hot date back in Hong Kong? How long until they're back in NYC with his family?  Slow down young gun or ya might get snipped.  At this point I am officially done with JP.  Raging jealousy is never a good thing.

Before you know it it's group date time.  Lucas notes it's gonna suck because JP's being a b*tch and they have to be around him all day long.  Good call as this exact thing happens when Ashley Bachelorette proceeds to make them each of them dress up in 'wedding attire' to take fake wedding photos.  Oh no she did not.  Oh yes she did.  I'll let the pictures do the talking.

Lucas in a gold kimono type thing.

I'm sorry but this is all I can find and all I can say is Ames and Lucas are saints and

Ashley has once again displayed that she has zero brains and compassion.

What self-respecting man would be okay with this??

Brief synopsis:  Lucas has to wear a gold dress thing which she says she thinks he'll like because he's 'traditional'... read:  she's trying to turn him against her already.  When he calls her out on it she says it's not a dress, it's a long shirt and turns into a total biznatch.  You know he sealed his own fate right then and there because she has zero tolerance for anyone who calls her out.  Remember Ryan from last episode? *cue 'come sail away'*  She knows a long shirt from a dress--she's been wearing short shirts as dresses all season damn you! Anyway Ames gets jammed into a baby blue tux with sequined lapels while JP turns his frown upside down upon learning Ashley picked out a real live tux for him so she must like him best!  Cut to scene and they're taking fake wedding pictures in front of each other while she sucks face with each of the guys and can't understand why they're feeling like it's all a big joke.  Zero intuition in the house!  Ames pulls out all the stops showing her pictures of his family, but JP zooms in with a big ball of whiny baby so what does she do?  Gives him the rose thereby slapping Ames, his pink pants, and Lucas right in the face.

Remember the last person she did this with?  CRAZY RYAN

Speaking of which it's time for his one-on-one.  And here's where it gets juicy--and I don't mean Juicy Couture given the color of his shirt...

  

Immediately I notice she's in semi-tight white pants and flats.  This is the kiss of death for Ryan, even though she's managed to throw him a bone with the open back shirt and lack of bra.  She's a ho.  She takes him by the Match Making temple, they throw down rocks that land on the same side and it's a bad omen.  Reading the signs she continues to send him negative signals that go entirely over his head.  He's noting the sun has emerged, Tai Chi is good energy in/negative energy out, wow that's a huge Koi...as she tells him she knows approximately zero about the environment and doesn't care much.  One time she even threw a plastic bottle in the garbage and a guy dumped her.  Do ya hate me yet, Ryan?  Nope he wants to educate her on hot water heaters and what a waste they are as she takes a trip to planet Ben or planet JP--who lives closer to LA?

At this point she starts fake crying and tries to snip him.  God in heaven I wish I had a screen shot of his shocked face.  'You don't want to meet my family????" It looks like she kicked him in the nether regions.    He tries his usual playing on her guilty side, "I was so looking forward...oh whatever...." And he's out!  But not before he hangs on her, groping her backless shirt.  This guy's a sick dog.

But that's not the best part:  when they go to interview him he all but BURSTS OUT LAUGHING in the camera.  He was not shaken up one bit.  He was totally trying not to pee his pants laughing.  It was so bad he turned his face, gasped repeatedly and ran off into the bushes.  The guy went up about 2659531 notches in my book at that point!  It was so bad they had to voice over while he walked the streets without any close ups of his laughing face.  Then they got him at the end completely wiping one fake tear while you know they died laughing over what a joke this entire season has been.  AHAHAHAHAHA!! You know this guy was in massage parlors all over Asia while these dates were going on.  I'd bet money.  

I'd also bet she second guesses herself and wants him back at the end of the show.  She's nuts.

Anyway--it's time for the rose ceremony, but she doesn't need one.  Ashley Bachelorette knows who needs to go.  She's over Asia, this entire process and just wants to go home.  She doesn't like anyone and faking it is a lot tougher than it looks.  Chris Harrison announces no rose ceremony and Ames is stunned.  This is not good.  He thought Ryan was the top contender and now he's gone.  What does it all meeeean?  I'll tell you what it means Ames:  it means you've been sloshed for weeks.  Ryan has never been a top contender and you need to see a doctor for that hit to the head.

JP is suddenly Mr. Nutsack.  It's no biggie guys.  She doesn't need a rose ceremony I have my rose because she knows what she's doing.  Next thing you know Ashley emerges in her gunnysack and is losing all the dead weight.  Lucas goes out with class while JP beams in the corner.  What a weasel.  Ashley admits she has no idea what she's doing while the rest of us realize all she really knows how to do is not wear pants.

To add insult to injury we  have to watch that sniveling Emily wax on about how it didn't work out with Brad.  Clue #1--pack up your crap and get the apartment close to him before 3 months have gone by honey.  Clue #2--Stop reading the rag magazines and getting sucked into the lies that he has other girlfriends even though he's calling you non-stop.  Clue #3--Stop saying dot dot dot.  Clue#4--If you want us to think you don't want anymore paparazzi attention and to be the next Bachelorette then why did you emerge from the limo in one of Ashley's skirts?? and finally Clue #5--If you didn't want to sit there, then why are you??  Because you want to be the next Bachelorette.

She reeked of insecurity in the After The Final Rose ceremony and I felt bad for Brad.  He finally decides to grow up and be a man and ends up picking the most insecure (albeit pretty) one of the bunch.

I long for the good old days:

Bentley?  Are you out there??

The Bachelorette: Intuition is Dead

Oh, and I'm a hypocrite.  A hypocrite who almost cut her finger off in the shower and has now come to realize the value of the pinky finger, but a hypocrite nonetheless.  I swore that ABC wouldn't get the better of me, but the Chef's back at work and when the bachelorette (can't even be bothered to capitalize it) trainwreck came a callin' I caved *hangs head*.  Even worse?  I dvr'd that mother to watch Tuesday night.  Confessional over and out.

Let's begin with a brief summary of immediate thoughts/reactions:

1. Ohhhhhh gawwwwd she's still bawling over Bentley? (cue eyes and ears bleeding)
2. Does Ashley ever wear pants?
3. Does Ashley realize Bentley is gone?
4. What exactly is a "man claw"?
5. Where are my pills?
6. Ashley is barely clothed for her meeting with the Thai date planner. *dies inside*
7. These men behave like women.
8. Will she ever stop blathering on about Bentley? help me
9. Constantine is an advocate for the word 'like'.
10. Ashley has arrived to the group date in a mesh covered bikini.  Hooker.
11.  OMG this fool is going to tell her date she's still thinking about Bentley.  Is this over yet?
12. Ames seems like quite an intelligent man.  Why is he on this show?
13. Does Ashley know the meaning of the word "intuition"?
14. I wonder if Ashley will kick Chris Harrison in the nuts after seeing what a fool he's making of her.
15.  Better question...(dot dot dot annoyballs) I wonder if she even realizes it??

The show opens and within three minutes she's back on the short bus bawling over Bentley -- at this point I begin yawning because it's telltale...his a** will be back within two weeks.  Why on earth has no one told this fool Ashley that Bentley can't stand her? One word:  ratings.

Next up Harrison strolls into the boypad mumbling something along the lines of 'you all must know how serious she is by now.' When were they supposed to catch that - before or after the flashmob date she planned revealing her dance aspirations? Um, Chris Harrison everyone knows she's not serious seeing as she's been clinging to a hairball Bentley up until this point and blatantly bawling her eyes out ever since his departure.  They just want their free trip.  Hand it over.

Cut to scene and Ashley's in Phuket wearing some barely there top and shorts. I blocked out the rest cringing at what the poor Thai lady must have thought of American women based on the mess otherwise known as half-naked Ashley.  Clearly ABC has some deal with Phuket to provide aid, etc. however they send a representative with next to no clothing to be the main face *cringe*.  Blah blah blah and we're at the men's accommodations where they try to one up each other like cats in a bag over who's kissed her and who hasn't.  Oh wait. Imagine that?  Everyone has, except Ames and a couple other guys who haven't gotten more than 2 seconds of nervous glance airtime.  I gagged a little at this point and hit FF on the dvr.  Do these men not realize they're all basically kissing each other?  Pride is dead.

First lucky date:

In a word: noooooooooooooooooooooooo.  Or is that like?  He seems to be a nice guy, she seems to be bored to tears.  Oh wait, she gives him a rose.  Of course she did.  His hair reminds her of Bentley.  She can't stop thinking about him and wonders if she should tell Constantine her feelings.  That's all I remember about this one because I slept through it--I was just following Ashley's lead.  To sum up:  Like.  He said it about 50 times.  Poor thing.  Casualty of bachelorette filler rose--easier to heartlessly badger and then snip the poor guy whose wife passed away. 


Next it's the Group Date aka the place where men shamelessly backstab each other like women over some broad who doesn't like any of them anyway.  Or so she says seeing as she can't stop thinking about Bentley.  Except when she's getting her magical kissing in with JP who is hands down the best kisser, but two seconds later she's back on the Bentley violin playing right into the script of his return.  So predictable.  I sum the Group date up with men bickering and this:

Ashley in her mesh with JP in the rain making out wildly on the beach less than 50 feet away from all the other guys, but less than 3 ft away from the cameras.  10 minutes later she rips off her mesh and goes frolicking into a pool with all the men racing behind her as she splashes around.  Awkward.  Earlier they also did some wonderful charity work for a Children's orphanage called Baan San Fan and some other guy who looks like Constantine got a rose.  Theme:  she's tossing roses at anyone who has hair like Bentley or kisses like him.  shakes head.


Final date:  Ames or as I like to call him, "SHOCKER HOW DID THIS GEM GET ON THE SHOW?"

At first I thought he looked a little cuckoo, but this guy is off the hook.  He is smart, reeks of an Ivy League education, well-spoken, thoughtful, confident yet not overly secure, and what on earth is he getting caught up in this for? *might be a red flag* He is, at this point, the most well-mannered of the bunch and the most well-rounded.  If she doesn't pick him she's nuts.  JP's my gut choice.  I bet it's him--he would be much more inclined to go along with her Hollywood aspirations without any push back.  Ames is a Portfolio Manager so he is not moving to LA to do a flashmob.  Is flashmob one word or two?  By the way--best date ever.  Kayaking through those tunnels? Wow.  Chris Harrison should be giving us all a trip to Phuket for sitting through the Bentley diatribes.  

Now for the best part of the night.  The clincher >>> Chris asks Ashley if she's over Bentley yet?
Somebody keep me from gouging my own eyes out.  Really Chris, REALLY?? How much more can we take?  Just spill it already! You're bringing him back next week. Yawwwwwn.  

Ashley's response (paraphrased): I'm not over him, our connection was so great, I was certain he was The One (there she goes with that again), my intuition says there's something more there.

Pause and reflect.  Now pray tell dear Ashley where on earth has your mighty intuition been up until this point?  Can someone please tell this child she doesn't have any intuition?? If she did she would know Bentley was a pig.  She would know not to get hung up on someone she's been warned about.  She would have the gut feeling he was a liar and that he, essentially, cannot stand her.  Intuition my foot!!  I laughed out loud.  She's out to lunch.  And not with her intuition.

Moments later I then wept as she relentlessly swept poor West out the door without so much as a heartfelt goodbye after badgering him about his readiness for a relationship after the death of his wife.  Not only is Ashley on my nerves, I think this experience has gone to her head despite her constant claims of insecurity.

Stay tuned for next week when Bentley returns.  Yes it was the "big reveal" at the end of the show and am I the only one who thought she was totally faking when they told her he was back in the hotel?? She knew it--my intuition told me.

The Bachelorette aka How to Lose All Respect For Yourself

Clearly this is not the usual post, but I'm standing on the edge of the precipice staring off into the black hole known as ABC Television wondering what just happened to me.  I've been robbed of 120 minutes of my life.  I don't have pictures in this post.  Are you still with me? Anyone? Anyone??

Confession:  I made the grave error of watching The Bachelorette last night and kind of feel like my brains fell out.  My head literally feels lighter as a result of having lost two precious hours of my life to completely useless garbage.  Of course I have no one to blame but myself and readily admit it, however who on earth are these producers appealing to?  Are women really buying into this nonsense that the entire thing, or at least a large part of it, isn't staged?  Don't be afraid to admit it if you're on The Bachelorette wagon.  I'm on a fact finding mission.  Waging war on The Bachelorette.  An army of one.

Okay here's one picture.  It pains me to even include it.

This is only so you can identify her.  Word.

A few short hours ago I witnessed Ashley Bachelorette --here out to be referred to as poor representation of women-- proclaim "love" for some guy she's known at this stage in the show for, what, 5 days?  However half a day later having been mockingly dumped by him and left in a pool of tears, the one she thought was The One, then go on to describe his kissing technique as lackluster in comparison to some other random guy she now thinks might be Mr. Right.  *shakes head profusely*

To watch a grown woman cry and lament endlessly over a complete stranger all while going on and on and on about her "fears and insecurities" to a bunch of other strange men who claim to be there to form a relationship with her, but let's face it are 90% in it for television face time, was nothing shy of painful.  Holy run on sentence Batman.

And so I ask you dear readers:  do you watch this trash?  Are you believing it?  Before I came to California I had a real pie in the sky, naive outlook on these shows.  "They're in it for love," I told myself.  Cut to scene and here I am 8 years later examining this scenario through a completely different set of eyes.  Last night Ashley Bachelorette surprised one of her dates with an impromptu hip hop dance lesson aka "her true passion" (DING DING DING the reason why she's REALLY doing the show to get her face out there and a foot in the door somewhere in the business---stay tuned for her attempt to get on Dancing with the Stars) and later a flash mob dance session in the middle of the Americana outdoor mall.  ~Aside:  Am I the only one who had no idea what a flash mob dance thing was? Old lady at 12 o'clock. ~   Surprise, surprise she'd really like to be a dancer.  Now I have no problem with her wanting that, but then for the love can you just say it instead of faking it like you're in it for true love?  A true love seeking woman doesn't kiss 30 guys in a 2 month period, hope The One will be in the crew, propose at the end, and then expect him not to be pissed mad when he sees her kissing the vast majority of the others and bawling her head off when some opt out as she laments having lost The One several times only to choose alternate The One(s).  These people aren't looking for The One.  They're looking to promote themselves.  And the odd one who does sneak in the mix is promptly snipped and left on the cutting room floor.  Or standing alone rejected at the end in a flood of tears wondering why they didn't see it coming.  They were sure they were The One. "Why didn't I see the warning signs?"  Don't worry you'll see them blast it out with The Bachelorette on the Reunion Special aka home of no humility when she shows up with the last one standing rubbing salt in the wound of the "other" almost One.


Why is this show still on television?  Better yet:  what on earth was I thinking when I allowed myself to watch TWO whole hours of it?? Never again.

ps- We will resume regular programming/posting later today.  This was just too much and I neeeeeeeed to dialogue.  Please discuss with me.  The cheese does not want to stand alone pondering this subject.