The Bachelor Recap: Ben Hands Over His Nuts

Better late than never, I guess.  This week's episode left me bewildered.

When I was growing up my mom always used to tell us, "if you don't have anything nice to say don't say anything at all". I just finished watching this week's episode of The Bachelor.

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For the past 5 minutes I've contemplated pushing publish post right here and just walking away.

Sorry mom.

Courtney is a full-scale tw*t. We are talking one major beeyotch. I'd say something nice, but there isn't one single nice thing to say about her.  She needs mental help.

And Ben? Well all those searches that came in this week via Ben Flajnik idiot? Each and every one is justified. He is a sad excuse for an adult male looking for a life partner (as if he really is). It's a freaking tragedy.

Let's do this recap and try not to poke our own eyes out. Warning: hide all sharp objects.

So this week they're in Belize. Producers make it painfully obvious that Ben's accommodations are at least a boat ride away from where the women stay and we all know why that is:  Courtney would be trying to get into Ben's room every chance she got and he would be welcoming her in, thereby cutting the season to an abrupt close. Ick nast.

Harrison shows up and tells them there will be three one on one dates with zero roses up for grabs, and one group date with a single rose given out. Lyndzi gets the first date while Nicki the divorcee wails to the camera. Who is this chick? Seriously. Who? They have zilch for connection, yet she has waxed on from the beginning about being in love with Ben. She is NUTS. And incredibly annoying with all the unjustified bawling. Wtf?

Lyndzi's date with Ben: they get in a helicopter, fly around with the door open, hover over The Blue Hole--a big blue circle in the ocean that's surrounded by a coral reef but 500ft deep in the center and he tells her they're going to jump out. She's terrified, but of course they toss themselves out victoriously amidst a slew of cliches about relationships and taking the dive.

Yawwwwn. Is this over yet? 

Her top stays on and all I'm thinking is Courtney's wouldn't have.  These chicks need to step it up because they are getting steamrolled by a sleazy lunatic.  We see nada about the rest of the day because there is no romantic connection. Cut to evening and they kiss a bunch while sitting on some blanket on a dock. I stare at his bare feet in a pair of those bad slip-in Adidas sandals and try not to barf. *shudder*

Despite environmental concerns, we as a society need to gather them all into a heap

and incinerate every.last.pair. ATROCITY

After the most painfully awkward exchange resembling something between two bros, they express themselves via writing a note, stuffing it in a bottle and tossing it out to sea. Message in a Bottle (love you Robin Wright Penn) this is not, but I'm still hoping to watch Ben get swept out sea. 


Next date card is coming and cuckoo head biznatch Courtney's going off about how she deserves it and Ben knows she needs it and a bunch of other insane nonsense. Why aren't any of these broads ripping her a new hole?? WHY? Tell the b*tch off already. Someone. PLEASE. Nope. Emily gets the date card and Courtney cries to the camera?? Cry on hooker! You gave away the goods in your dirty ass little ocean romp a couple weeks ago. How's that working for ya now?

crocodile tears ho-bag. nobody's buying it.

Emily's date: she jets off to meet Ben while Courtney waxes on about how Emily treated her so poorly. The pot kettle analogies with this narcissist never end. She is an egomaniac like nothing I've ever seen. Anyway, Ben and Emily aka Trashney trash talker ride bikes, tour the sites, dive for lobsters and eat dinner. She extends an invite for him to meet her family and they suck face, tongues and all, for all the world to see. 

If it is true that he picked Courtney, 

somewhere Ben is getting a verbal beatdown at this very moment.

Meanwhile Courtney's in full bitch mode whining to Lyndzi that if Ben doesnt give her a date she's not accepting his rose. He doesn't have her baaaa-aaack, he's on a date with someone who was meeeeeean to her, she's not gonna let him meet her faaaa-mi-leeee. Is this broad for real?! Cue the straitjacket and put us out of our misery already ABC! She then tells everyone, yet again, that if he is crazy about her she'll get the date...aaaaand of course she does. Cackling like a witch in the night she makes the craziest comments about, "he knows what's good for him, he knows I needed this, he needs to step his game up, etc" like she's the only game in town. Wait. She is. This b*tch knows she wears the pants. Who wants to marry a wimp? No thanks!

Look at this mess

Cut to her date: they climb some Mayan temple staircase, pausing halfway, where she threatens him under the veil of her whiny baby voice: the thrill is gone, she doesn't know if she likes him anymore, he took the mean girl (puh-leeze) emily on a date, doesn't have her back and she doesn't know if she wants him to meet her family.

In the ultimate act of castration HE FALLS INTO THE TRAP, 

freaks out and borderline begs to meet her family. 

We are nowhere near the rose ceremony and dufus head Flajnik has already shown his cards. Good God man! Pull yourself together!! Any other high maintenance twat would have been kicked to the curb, but he saw her privates so he's locked in on this one.

What a complete WUSS.

I could rant and rave some more, but why? He is so completely clueless he grovels for family time yet again in the evening. Jesus take the wheel. What a waste. This was the longest date, the one with the most airtime, and the most pathetic exchange ever. It only got worse when she badmouthed the women and he did zero to shut her up! She was all kinds of condescending and rude and lying about how hard she's tried to win these 'girls' over but they're so mean and boring. Classic case of reverse psychology. Hel-loooo there Ben! You awake? No one likes this broad. No one. NO ONE.

His mother has to be sick to her stomach. Keep guzzling the wine mama Flajnik, the worst is yet to come.

Group date: Rachel, Nicki and Kacie swim around with Ben in shark infested waters. 

Not even remotely dangerous sharks btw.

Rachel sucks up all the water time, Kacie flips out, they all invite him home to the fam but he gives the one rose to a drunken, slurring Kacie B.  It was priceless. Girl could barely speak.  The three try to warn him about Courtney. He seems to listen, but you know this fool is letting it go in one ear and out the other.

These girls just makin' me rip my hairrrs out.

Cut to rose ceremony: he foregoes the cocktails to avoid having to face anymore truth about Courtney, fakes like he's giving her a stern talk leading to a snip and then cuts Rachel and Emily instead. Whoop-de-do for suspense there. So.painfully.predictable.

Hey Ben Flajnik:  how does it feel watching yourself be manipulated by a control freak who only cares about herself? Are you out there, Ben? If spoilers are right and you picked that witch, I hope you get your nuts out of her pocket, re-attach and lose her like the bad habit she is. Otherwise a life of misery awaits you. Mark my words.

The Bachelor Recap: Hide the Razors or Your Eyebrows Might Get Shaved Off

Last week I swore to myself that these Bachelor recaps were over. The humiliating behavior of the women coupled with Ben's inability to keep his tongue in his mouth was about enough for me. And then there's that whole needing my brains for work thing...

But then the person who typed 'Ben Flajnik idiot' into a search engine and ended up on my blog left a comment stating he and his wife got a chuckle out of recap 1 and, well, I'VE CAVED yet again. But I'm doing the briefest of brief recaps (for me anyway) so as to preserve my thinking skills -- and hopefully yours, too. So here we go off to Utah.  Buckle up.

Kacie B. wanted the first date, but Rachel got it so Kacie cried and cried and cried some more wishing it was all over so she and Ben could just get to the grocery store and be normal. Well now, I do believe we may have a JP on our hands. Only I fear this one isn't going to end so well because spoilers SWEAR he's picked that lunatic Courtney.

She's going to lose it when he snips her.

And may I just ask the obvious? Why do these women get SO WOUND UP over a guy who's kissing everyone and loving every minute of being a swine? Why?? Have they not watched previous seasons? *pass the pills*

As the first date kicks off they're all jealous as Ben and Rachel take to the skies in a helicopter. She's feeling pressure with the rose on the line but is just going to go with it; he likes these more low-key dates where they can just talk and get to know one another. Cut to scene where they land in a big field, get into a rowboat, paddle to the middle of the lake and he immediately jumps on her face.

Getting to know each other, huh Ben? Blech. It's gonna be a long night.

Summary: she's freaked out at the whole first date thing, there's no flow in conversation, and it's downright awkward. They notice a beaver dam and talk crow's feet. *cue crickets* Cut to night and it's dinner in the enchanted forest. He doesn't want to give up. On what we're not sure. Stilted conversation continues and I'm thinking it's snip time when he offers her the rose. Of course he does: he says he likes kissing her as the camera shows them feeding each other s'mores off pointy sticks while I contemplate pouring out a shot of vodka to add some excitement to my evening.

Meanwhile back at the house the group date is announced while hearts shatter around the room: Jamie, Kacie S., Blakeley (plz say she's going to keep the twins covered this time because I'm all out of retinal bleach), Lyndzi, Samantha, Nicki, Kacie B (who immediately guzzles her wine at the thought of yet another group date) and Courtney who promptly goes into hag mode. All the girls, espesh Emily think Court's gonna suck it on the group date with her witchy attitude so Ben will finally see who she really is.

Ever heard the expression 'cats in a bag'? 

That's what these women are.

*hiss scratch hiss*

no offense to beloved cats everywhere.

News flash: Ben doesn't care if Courtney's a crazy b*tch. She's a skinny wannabe model and that's as close as he's ever gonna get to one so she's in first place y'all!! Wakey wakey, ladies. It's time for what we here at the Bird call a reality check and I'm giving this one out for free: guys like Ben don't care if a woman is nice or not.

Summary: Ben rides up on a horse he can barely control. Lyndzi? You there? They all get on horses and talk about amazing, Ben's hair, Ben on a horse.

Next thing you know it's fly fishing time at the crick where Courtney flings line around looking to hook someone's eyeball. She knows Kacie B is her only competition so drags Ben off for fish time. He is so dumb he falls for it. It's actually tragic how clueless he is. When Courtney catches the first fish they all go ballistic. Uh-oh. Once liquor gets flowing this is gonna get ugly. As night falls Courtney is referring to it as 'her date with Ben' *cuckoo cuckoo*. They all start fighting over him and Samantha confesses to the camera she feels like she should have Ben's ring on her finger. During their alone time she proceeds to bitch him out for not giving her a one-on-one date, like what is he thinking *valley girl voice* and what's the point of group dates anyway??

Ben takes this as his cue and snips her on.the.spot.(not nicely either). 

Ten seconds later he recovers and hauls Kacie B off for a makeout session leading her to believe she's going straight to the finish line (uh-oh). Courtney takes matters into her own hands and predictably gets into her bathing suit (yawn). She plays the dumb little girl, he eats it up, she fakes like she's having a hard time and can't take it anymore in order get the rose (wake up Ben!!) and like the dumb tool he is gives her the rose. What a frickin' duh head.

I hope he feels like a real moron right now because Courtney has made a colossal ass out of him on national television. I want to slap him myself.

One-on-one: Jennifer.

She is super excited and off they go hiking to a crater where he informs her they are going to hang and drop 300 ft into a hole whilst wearing bathing suits. I would have peed my pants. Thankfully she didn't. In the evening he says he likes her. She's a good kisser from a good family. Seriously.  This is how he describe/qualifies them.  It pours rain on their date and he gives her the rose despite telling her he wasn't originally sure he would. To finish the date he takes her to a Clay Walker (no clue who he is) concert and the two of them cut a rug amongst a sea of beaming females staring them down. Now Ben thinks she could be the one. Sorry Kacie B. And Courtney. And everyone else he's kissing. Poor Jennifer.  She's too good for him.

At the cocktail party Emily is in a full-on tailspin over Courtney being a biznatch. Emily is so worked up over Courtney being a snag that she loses her beans and tattles to Ben who tells her to drop it or it will be her demise. Worse yet she then tells Courtney's one friend (who has no brains), Casey. Aaaaand it's on like donkey kong as Casey runs straight to Courtney and tells on her. Courtney in truly certifiable form, "wants to rip her head off and verbally assault her or shave her eyebrows off in the middle of the night." Yes. She said that on camera.

Get a load of this nutcase.

Ben's mom and sis? You out there? How you feeling about those spoilers? Open another bottle of wine.

In true form Courtney goes nuts -- because she is -- while Emily realizes 'hmmmmm. Maybe I shouldn't have said anything.' But Ben gives her one last chance and snips Monica, who weeps over lost love and claims this is the worst thing feeling she's ever had, instead.

At this point I feel like Bachelor producers have set this up. Maybe Ben's going to pick Courtney per script, realize after viewing he should have picked Kacie B and change his mind. Please say its true. Please! That broad is a total psycho. And in classless form he skinny dips with her next week. Pride is dead.

I mean how could he even pick anyone else after behavior like that?  More importantly why would anyone even want him?  What a pig.  And he can't even see when he's being worked over by a crazy bird with a whacked out, over botox'd mouth. Duh!