this free bird

Bird on the Ledge

2012-02-03T00:01:00.000-08:00

I never considered myself much of a daredevil.

Nope. Growing up I listened to the teacher, always completed my homework without being asked to do so, was home by curfew (except once or twice), and stayed in the crosswalk. To this day I am still too nervous to jaywalk for fear of a police officer catching me and administering a verbal rip in front of a bunch of nosy onlookers.

Confessions of a self-professed hallway monitor turned free bird (in the latter years).

So a couple weeks ago when we were on our way home from the blessed flea market aka home of the Tori Spelling sighting and the Chef pulled into a parking lot with a sign that basically said if you're not the owner and don't have permission you'd best frig off, I contemplated having a breakdown.

Him: Just get out. We'll get a few pictures and leave.
Me: What if someone calls the police?
Him: By the time the police got here we'd be gone and the police do not care about us. *eye roll*
Me: What if the owner's here and yells at us? (as he walks across the parking lot and I holler out the window)
Him: Dude. It's Sunday. The owner is not here.
Me: That guy over there is waving to us. Maybe he's the owner.
Him: That guy over there is saying get out of the car and don't be a wuss. So don't be a wuss.

Fine. Rule breaker in the house. Nerd version 2012.

Happy to report no one called the po-po on us and I was back in the car within 5 minutes. Word.

Mild look of panic as waving guy continues waving.

Maybe it is the owner? (gulp)

Composure close-up minus feet?

Feet adorned in fave go-to Joie Booties tracked down at 50% off, last pair in the US at Saks.

Never, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever give up.

Unless you've jaywalked and are in the wrong.

Then just take a verbal lashing and apologize quietly at the end.

Mop needs a cut.

Outfit: Old Navy-Sweater, AE-Belt, Current/Elliott-Jeans, Joie-Booties, Anthro-Sunnies

Nothing new here. Basically just more fave basics.

Here's hoping the weekend is kind to you. I've been in the hole this week with some sort of stomach bug and a sh*tload of work. Not the best combo, but I'm still alive so no complaints here. After all I'm not caught like a deer in the headlights outside the crosswalk or facedown on the pavement in cuffs. Perspective people, perspective.

Ben Flajnik: Is a Pig

2012-01-31T00:57:00.000-08:00

I'm live and coming at you from the horizontal because the flu has struck. Somehow around 8:15 or so I woke up and turned on the tv to see what debauchery was taking place on The Bachelor. I should have just shut my eyes and went back to sleep.

Ben Flajnik and The Bachelor franchise reached, in my opinion, an all time low tonight when he sent a girl packing after a one on one date only to moments later get naked and jump in the ocean with that cuckoo bird Courtney.

Here's some of what went on this episode. I was too out of it to type play by play, and am so repulsed by Ben Flajnik that I can't even remember half of what I was going to say.

I started watching near the end of his one-on-one date with Nicki. She's the one who was married before and basically when it got tough bailed to look for "her second chance at true love". She is a total deer in the headlights and it was obvious to me, as she explained to Ben in a very loose yet revealing way how her first marriage fell apart, that Ben is not buying it. He even asks her point blank if they tried to work it out in couples counseling, to which she responds vaguely 'uh yeah but not for all that long but long enough so I'm ready for my second chance at having those butterflies'.

yep there she is in the brown hair gettin' her groove on casey anthony style.

Honey please. Marriage is not about butterflies. Hell, long term relationships period are not about giddy high school feelings. She is so clueless and annoying I want to send her packing myself. What does he do? You guessed it: jumps on her face and gives her a rose. It's a mercy one. You see it every season. It's one he can easily snip later with zero regret. Sounds harsh, but is totally true. She'll never see it coming and bawl like a lunatic in the end.

Next it's a group date. They were all peeing their pants about who was getting the last one-on-one. The scheduled date not the rank a**, std-laden, unscheduled dip in the ocean thing. Anyway, Blakely is going nuts because she wants alone time. Last we saw her she was curled up in the fetal in the luggage room doing crazy and desperate with remarkable ease.

Not to be outdone by last time she loses her beans when Elyse gets the date. Elyse the 24 year old who has an orange glow from the tanning bed and can't stop saying like. Like, like, like. *pass the meds*

poor thing

Anyway on the group date the women (plus Courtney the ho) get divided into two teams to play baseball. Only one team will get an evening beach date with Ben. Courtney and Blakely each pick teams like elementary school intramurals, only these broads mean business.

vs.

defeat is an ugly thing.

if only they knew how many std's they saved themselves from.

I only remember Kacie B on Courtney's team. Blakely had Jennifer and Emily and someone else. Lyndzi the horse aficionado played both sides and automatically got the beach date. Whatev. Irrelevant. They battle to the finish, Courtney's team flies off in a helicopter after Jen strikes out and the others cry all the way home on the bus. At the group date Ben gives Kacie the rose, Courtney is worried about that so pulls him aside wearing some dress displaying zero undergarments and suggests skinny dipping like the true hooker she is. He's clearly interested but fights her off. Not for long though. Pardon me while I gag.

Next day he takes Elyse and her tan out on a yacht, they spend the day jumping off the side and she tells him at 24 she's done all she wanted to do and now just wants to get married. He's all, uh, what's everything? Yes personal trainer lady. Define everything. Definition: bachelor's degree, master's degree, moved to Florida. At this point I'm shaking my head. She keeps saying like like every other like word and is like spun on Ben. She can't stop blathering on about marriage, wants to be engaged, married, ready to like be married and is so like sick of being like single. Cut to dinner on the beach where he snips her at the table while waving the rose in her face leading her to believe she was getting it.

you're better off girlfriend.

Uh Ben? Remember when Ashley left you down there on one knee? Uh yeah ya moron. Further, nice sending her off in the same dinghy you rode out on last year, ya classless tool.

Less than ten minutes later the baggage handler carts Elyse's purple bag away while equally classless (to Ben) Courtney cackles away in the corner calling her Jersey Shore. She is just a nasty wench. Two seconds later she puts her trash bag plan into action and rolls over to Ben's room in her underwear and a robe carrying a bottle of wine and two glasses. He comes strolling up in a pair of whack tux pants rolled to the knee and, of course, invites her in displaying zero manners and tact yet again. He just snipped someone 5 minutes ago AND supposedly is on his journey to find love amongst a bunch of women! No. He's a pig looking for a hooker. And he found her, too.

look at these slut dogs.

gross

Because next thing you know he's on the beach with Trashney where they strip their clothes off and go running into the water groping and hanging all over each other. Try and tell me they didn't do the deed? Go ahead and try, but you're nuts if you think it didn't go down. He's a slime bag who has never gotten play from an ugly or pretty fake model in his life. He is completely useless and a juvenile. In the slightest off chance he did pick anyone else, that woman had better dump.him.NOW. I'm so pissed and disgusted with producers for even letting this crap go down without alerting that kook Blakely. At least let that bag of bones Courtney get her hair ripped out. Damn. Give us something.

At the final cocktail party Ben is out of sorts and claims to feel like a swine because he and Trashney had an 'intimate moment'. Intimate? Try nauseating, ya butthole. Anyway he has a little conversation with Jennifer from last weeks cavern drop date. You remember her, right? The one he called 'the best kisser'. He also talks to spin job Emily who still can't stop whining about Courtney despite claiming she's sorry she brought her up. And in the ultimate act of assery (new word I've been using when describing Ben Flajnik) he gets defensive and tells her to 'watch herself' because she has no idea what goes on in his 'intimate moments' with other women. Ooooh scary words there bachelor man. Whoop-de-do to you and your empty threats. True dat ya swine herder! And if she did know she may have kicked you in the nuts and exited like any self-respecting woman would have.

Despite all this, who does he snip in the end? JENNIFER.

The best kisser. The one he just finished kissing some more a few minutes earlier. The one who must have had a TON of wine because she cried so hard she could barely talk and looked mildly dazed in the back of the jeep.

I hope she's laughing her a** off tonight after watching his private water party with trashney.

Oh! And does he tell on himself for being a sicko with Trashney? Nope. That's their dirty little secret. They are DISGUSTING!!

Ben Flajnik is a pig. So is ~~Courtney~~ Trashney, but we already knew that. She a ho!

He is not interested in a real relationship or finding 'the sacred one' -- I mean of course not he's on this stupid show, right? No, this toolkit is interested in one thing and one thing only: jumping on as many chicks as possible. Chicks he would never otherwise get access to. Him and his bad hair.

He deserves that wingnut Trashney.

I believe douchebag Jason Melnick may have to step off his throne as most despised bachelor in franchise history. We've got a new one on the way...hope he sees a doctor for an STD check. I bet more than one of them is in dire need. *shudder*

Gone But Not Forgotten

2012-01-30T14:33:00.000-08:00

This weekend whilst licking my wounds from a lost eBay bidding war, I stumbled across the above.
For giddy purposes let's just refer to it as PURE GOLD.

In a frenzy of epic proportions I got swept out to sea calling the Chef (like he could care?)

and my mom who helped me curate a rather sizable Barbie collection back in the 70's.

And then I forgot to swoop back over and bid.

Two epic losses in one weekend.

No wonder I've come down with the flu.

Dear 70's Disco Ken with Fringe: someday we will find one another.
Until then, stay strong.

Jason Wu x Target: The Cat Got Me

2012-01-24T10:04:00.000-08:00

As you well know I have approximately zero love in my heart for Target after that Missoni debacle when I got up at 1:30 in the morning only to have my bike and blanket be snatched out of my online cart when the site crashed and customer service, who could see the contents of my online cart, refused to cash me out thereby dashing my dreams of pedaling around in style with a zigzag blanket in my basket.

Even after I waited on the phone to speak with Target's 'customer *cough* service' for TWO HOURS.

Target: Oh yes I see the contents of your cart right here.

Me: Okay well I have my credit card ready.

Target: Oh I can't cash you out from here. You'll have to wait in line with everyone else.

Me: Pause.

Pause.

But I have been waiting in line with everyone else and I AM waiting in line with everyone else. It's called going to the line that's available. Isn't that you?

Target: Oh I'm sorry. I can't help you complete your transaction.

Me: Blackout

Seriously. I can't recall anything after that. I came to with the phone in pieces all over the room (kidding on this part), zero contents in my online cart and dreams of my Missoni bike and blanket dashed in shreds.

And don't even get me started on the in-store ~~soccer mom ill behavior~~ experience.

I wasn't even contemplating LOOKING at Jason Wu's line. Couldn't give a rat's *ss as a matter of fact. And then they had to go and get dirty and use a CAT (my ultimate weakness) in the ad?

Really? REALLY??

I want the t-shirt. Can anyone DIY one for me? Jason Wu??

I'll pay someone to go to the store on my behalf. I will not be overcome.

You hear me Target?

Unless you have my Missoni bike. Then we can begin negotiating my return to your establishment.

Everyone's got a price. Mine starts with c-a-t.

The Bachelor Recap: Hide the Razors or Your Eyebrows Might Get Shaved Off

2012-01-24T00:44:00.000-08:00

Last week I swore to myself that these Bachelor recaps were over. The humiliating behavior of the women coupled with Ben's inability to keep his tongue in his mouth was about enough for me. And then there's that whole needing my brains for work thing...

But then the person who typed 'Ben Flajnik idiot' into a search engine and ended up on my blog left a comment stating he and his wife got a chuckle out of recap 1 and, well, I'VE CAVED yet again. But I'm doing the briefest of brief recaps (for me anyway) so as to preserve my thinking skills -- and hopefully yours, too. So here we go off to Utah. Buckle up.

Kacie B. wanted the first date, but Rachel got it so Kacie cried and cried and cried some more wishing it was all over so she and Ben could just get to the grocery store and be normal. Well now, I do believe we may have a JP on our hands. Only I fear this one isn't going to end so well because spoilers SWEAR he's picked that lunatic Courtney.

She's going to lose it when he snips her.

And may I just ask the obvious? Why do these women get SO WOUND UP over a guy who's kissing everyone and loving every minute of being a swine? Why?? Have they not watched previous seasons? *pass the pills*

As the first date kicks off they're all jealous as Ben and Rachel take to the skies in a helicopter. She's feeling pressure with the rose on the line but is just going to go with it; he likes these more low-key dates where they can just talk and get to know one another. Cut to scene where they land in a big field, get into a rowboat, paddle to the middle of the lake and he immediately jumps on her face.

Getting to know each other, huh Ben? Blech. It's gonna be a long night.

Summary: she's freaked out at the whole first date thing, there's no flow in conversation, and it's downright awkward. They notice a beaver dam and talk crow's feet. *cue crickets* Cut to night and it's dinner in the enchanted forest. He doesn't want to give up. On what we're not sure. Stilted conversation continues and I'm thinking it's snip time when he offers her the rose. Of course he does: he says he likes kissing her as the camera shows them feeding each other s'mores off pointy sticks while I contemplate pouring out a shot of vodka to add some excitement to my evening.

Meanwhile back at the house the group date is announced while hearts shatter around the room: Jamie, Kacie S., Blakeley (plz say she's going to keep the twins covered this time because I'm all out of retinal bleach), Lyndzi, Samantha, Nicki, Kacie B (who immediately guzzles her wine at the thought of yet another group date) and Courtney who promptly goes into hag mode. All the girls, espesh Emily think Court's gonna suck it on the group date with her witchy attitude so Ben will finally see who she really is.

Ever heard the expression 'cats in a bag'?

That's what these women are.

*hiss scratch hiss*

no offense to beloved cats everywhere.

News flash: Ben doesn't care if Courtney's a crazy b*tch. She's a skinny ~~wannabe~~ model and that's as close as he's ever gonna get to one so she's in first place y'all!! Wakey wakey, ladies. It's time for what we here at the Bird call a reality check and I'm giving this one out for free: guys like Ben don't care if a woman is nice or not.

Summary: Ben rides up on a horse he can barely control. Lyndzi? You there? They all get on horses and talk about amazing, Ben's hair, Ben on a horse.

Next thing you know it's fly fishing time at the crick where Courtney flings line around looking to hook someone's eyeball. She knows Kacie B is her only competition so drags Ben off for fish time. He is so dumb he falls for it. It's actually tragic how clueless he is. When Courtney catches the first fish they all go ballistic. Uh-oh. Once liquor gets flowing this is gonna get ugly. As night falls Courtney is referring to it as 'her date with Ben' *cuckoo cuckoo*. They all start fighting over him and Samantha confesses to the camera she feels like she should have Ben's ring on her finger. During their alone time she proceeds to bitch him out for not giving her a one-on-one date, like what is he thinking *valley girl voice* and what's the point of group dates anyway??

Ben takes this as his cue and snips her on.the.spot.(not nicely either).

Ten seconds later he recovers and hauls Kacie B off for a makeout session leading her to believe she's going straight to the finish line (uh-oh). Courtney takes matters into her own hands and predictably gets into her bathing suit (yawn). She plays the dumb little girl, he eats it up, she fakes like she's having a hard time and can't take it anymore in order get the rose (wake up Ben!!) and like the dumb tool he is gives her the rose. What a frickin' duh head.

I hope he feels like a real moron right now because Courtney has made a colossal ass out of him on national television. I want to slap him myself.

One-on-one: Jennifer.

She is super excited and off they go hiking to a crater where he informs her they are going to hang and drop 300 ft into a hole whilst wearing bathing suits. I would have peed my pants. Thankfully she didn't. In the evening he says he likes her. She's a good kisser from a good family. Seriously. This is how he describe/qualifies them. It pours rain on their date and he gives her the rose despite telling her he wasn't originally sure he would. To finish the date he takes her to a Clay Walker (no clue who he is) concert and the two of them cut a rug amongst a sea of beaming females staring them down. Now Ben thinks she could be the one. Sorry Kacie B. And Courtney. And everyone else he's kissing. Poor Jennifer. She's too good for him.

At the cocktail party Emily is in a full-on tailspin over Courtney being a biznatch. Emily is so worked up over Courtney being a snag that she loses her beans and tattles to Ben who tells her to drop it or it will be her demise. Worse yet she then tells Courtney's one friend (who has no brains), Casey. Aaaaand it's on like donkey kong as Casey runs straight to Courtney and tells on her. Courtney in truly certifiable form, "wants to rip her head off and verbally assault her or shave her eyebrows off in the middle of the night." Yes. She said that on camera.

Get a load of this nutcase.

Ben's mom and sis? You out there? How you feeling about those spoilers? Open another bottle of wine.

In true form Courtney goes nuts -- because she is -- while Emily realizes 'hmmmmm. Maybe I shouldn't have said anything.' But Ben gives her one last chance and snips Monica, who weeps over lost love and claims this is the worst thing feeling she's ever had, instead.

At this point I feel like Bachelor producers have set this up. Maybe Ben's going to pick Courtney per script, realize after viewing he should have picked Kacie B and change his mind. Please say its true. Please! That broad is a total psycho. And in classless form he skinny dips with her next week. Pride is dead.

I mean how could he even pick anyone else after behavior like that? More importantly why would anyone even want him? What a pig. And he can't even see when he's being worked over by a crazy bird with a whacked out, over botox'd mouth. Duh!

It's All in the Recovery

2012-01-23T14:59:00.000-08:00

On Sunday afternoon I pulled myself out of a funk of epic proportions, wrapped myself in my technicolor dreamcoat, and ventured out of the house.

More often than not I spend a good deal of the week wishing I could be outside to get just a little fresh air, and then when the weekend comes I'm so exhausted and the place is such a wreck all I want to do is sleep and clean. Neither of those two things occur outdoors, by the way. Another reason to justify life in a teepee. And now you know why I mentioned thinking about a maid, maid, maid in Friday's post.

Who's with me? (and yes I may or may not be mildly whining but am almost over it due to grateful to have work at all)

But what if they don't get in the corners like we do? What if there's dust left over? And what if our hand wash only items accidentally get tossed in the washing machine? (first world pains) Sometimes I'm my own worst enemy. I'm damned if I do and damned if I don't so I just get stuck at a standstill and do nothing. Damn you nothing! You're of no use to me!!

So I said to myself on Sunday, 'Today you are getting out of this house. Do not look at the computer. Do not trip in that pile of laundry. Turn your head away from the chair filled with need-to-be-folded clothing and for the love of God do not sit down in front of the television or it's going to be lights out on the ID Channel.'

*As I was giving myself this pep talk a high priority work email came through *the dreaded BING* and I had to work. Thereby defeating my moments earlier pep talk of not looking at the computer, but when you love what you do you do what you have to do. And in the end it's not all that bad except when the next day is Monday and it feels like Friday is prettttty darn far away.*

This was the weekend of approximately 14 non-working hours. During which time I washed a load of laundry, still don't know if it's in the dryer, and briefly escaped the maison with the Chef in order to get some sun on my face and slurp back a margarita just in time for Monday to chase me down.

This is life. The big ol' hamster wheel. Cling to the sides before retirement's here and all you have left to your name is three cents and an amazing fringy sweater. See if you want to live in teepee then. Not likely.

~Free People-Technicolor Dreamcoat, Free People-Webs We Weave T, Hudson-Bells,

Banana Republic-Suede Boots, Vintage-Turquoise Bracelet, Anthro-Sunglasses~

Magique.

My own form is comprised of fringe with a side of turquoise and cats (not pictured here).

AKA security blanket.

Boots+bells.

These are a few of my favorite things (can you hear the tune?)

Cut to twelve hours later and we're in a torrential downpour. Upside? I don't wanna go outside now. Ha! Take that between the eyes Monday!

I Rest My Case

2012-01-20T13:27:00.000-08:00

I just came across this Rory Beca ad and couldn't help grinning at the caption.

Sometimes you put things out into the universe and

the universe answers back with firm 'Hell yeah!'

Have a great weekend, everyone!

Confessions of a Truth Teller

2012-01-19T23:15:00.000-08:00

In case you haven't noticed I've been MIA this week due to this thing we here at the Bird call - 'A helluva lot of work because love don't pay the bills.' During this time I received emails from a few entities (much like I'm sure you received) asking me to share their information on my blog. I declined and one, in particular, really did not like it--despite my repeated attempts to explain that the content did not match my blog and would, therefore, not make sense here.

Let's take a moment and examine some of the things I usually talk about: my cats, cookies, gluten-free experiments, the chef, hippies, my spirited neighbors, that time I saw the Mary Kay pink Cadillac, the occasional pair of shoes, summer breezes, fringe and a good pair of jeans.

Oh, and margaritas and how it would be nice if I could get a maid once a month. (That last part has been on my mind a lot this week).

I've employed the blanket effect above, but you get where I'm coming from. In that spirit I have opted to stick to content that the 5 or 10 of you who are left have come to expect and anticipate. Interesting, edge of your seat type content. The stuff that, say, a three car garage waiting to be filled is made of. Case in point:

All of it, except the man, should be strewn across my living room right now.

Teepee lover in the house. White cowboy boot fanatic on the rise.

Cat-tastic.

Blanket's cousins.

More of Blanket's relatives.

These croc bar stools I contemplated purchasing before the Chef

shook me out of 'the flea market fuzz' clouding my judgment.

I am not for sale but, moreover, my blog is not a place where I just slap up any old thing because someone would like me to or thinks it would be good content. That's my call and it's not being rude, it is being honest. Now if a turquoise dealer wanted to send me some items THAT would make sense because I wear turquoise. And if a gluten-free company wanted me to sample their flour mix THAT would make sense because I cook and bake gluten-free. Or if someone wanted me to share info on how to integrate feral cats into their home THAT would make sense because I have done it.

And that's all I have to say about that.

It's a Bird! It's a Plane! It's Donna Martin?

2012-01-17T13:40:00.000-08:00

This weekend I intended to do three things:

1. Sleep
2. Clean
3. Rinse and repeat

Here's what I actually accomplished: sleep, watch 7 consecutive hours of the ID channel (Dateline lover's dream), almost pass out in the bathroom from the wicked second hand maryjane smoke wafting up from the downstairs neighbors, hit the jackpot at the local flea market and SEE TORI SPELLING.

Yes, friends, I saw Tori Spelling. Up close. And Liam, Stella, Patsy and James. *dies*

As a former diehard lover of the original 90210 (I answered and immediately clicked if you dared call during that sacred weekly hour), and a fan of Tori and Dean's reality show this made my day. There we were looking for parking at the flea market.

Me: 'Hey that looks like Tori Spelling.'
Chef: 'I think there's one over there.'
Me: 'Hey! That IS Tori Spelling!!' *bangs on insides of vehicle window as we drive by*
Chef: 'Hey yeah, it is her.'
Me: 'There's Patsy OMG Liam and Stella back this thing up!!!'
Chef: 'You sure about that?' *eyebrows raised and slanted grin* He knows me so well.
Me: 'I love her. Man I love her show. She is so balls out. Did you see that little Liam? Yes I'm sure back this thing up. No don't. These people deserve privacy. Do you think she'll tell me to frig off if I just wheel by and say hi? I can't do that. Douchey move. Seriously dude who am I right now?'
Chef: 'I don't know, but it's kind of hilarious.'
Me: 'Forget it. I think they're leaving and I don't want to bug them. Do you think I should? No. Don't answer that. Let's go find some goodies.'

Whispers to self: 'Dude. I just saw Donna Martin,' whilst wandering aimlessly toward aisles of jackpot.

Thirty minutes later, up to my elbows in artifacts, bobbleheads and one of a kind vintage finds, I realize she is standing right.next.to.me.

Do I scream, "I love you for fearlessly having children in your 30's and living your own life!!'

Do I shamelessly fling myself at her, administering a hug?? (seriously considered both of these options)

No I do not (this is what we here at the bird refer to as 'the self-control'). Instead I silently side eye her antiquing prowess while her children taunt each other and have a mini slapping match right in front of me. So normal, right?! So me and my brother back in the day, anyway.

Observation: that woman knows her used treasures.

And I'm a freak, although not a completely intrusive one. I let myself have 2 minutes and then wandered off into a sea of good finds. Tell you about that part later.

Donna Martin lives! And she's superbly boho, too. Snapped this from waaaaaay across the parking lot when I thought she was leaving. No kids. That's just too much.

Epic moment.

The Bachelor Recap: Get In Your Hearse and Hit the Road

2012-01-16T23:04:00.000-08:00

Someone just visited my blog via searching the following words in Google:

Ben Flajnik idiot

Interestingly enough, I'm the one who feels like an idiot during and after watching The Bachelor. My head actually aches at how stupid the women behave, and how the bachelor or bachelorette makes out with everyone. Discretion and decency? Dead.

So here's the thing: I didn't watch the show minute-by-minute this week. I just couldn't do it. Instead it played in the background while I worked and tidied my place up. Here's what I gathered:

-There were some one-on-one dates.
-On a group date a bunch of women who cannot ski proceeded to ski down a street in San Francisco wearing nothing but skimpy bikinis. Humility is dead and an Asian man standing on a corner watching this mess is scarred for life. So am I.
-Granny's girl Britney decided she really wasn't into childish, mean girl games to try and win the heart of a guy who shamelessly kisses everyone. Exit stage left.
-Ben kissed all the girls and displayed his tongue at least twice as I walked by gagging.
-The women squabbled amongst themselves.
-Courtney's still a hag.
-Ben kept kissing girls in plain view of the ones he just finished kissing.
-Ben strikes me as kind of a pig. I used to like him, but now think he's gross.
-Shawntel the Funeral Director showed up for 'a shot at love' because she had met Ben before and they had chemistry.
-Some of them got just smashed and slurred away to the camera and each other during the cocktail party. Eff bombs and foul language were at an all-time high. Keep it classy there 'ladies'.
-They verbally attacked Shawntel. How predictable.
-Jacquelyn bawled her head off during the rose ceremony.
-Erika fainted. Twice.
-Courtney the hag laid a passive aggressive threat on Ben as she fake hesitated to accept his rose.
-Ben showed his true colors by falling prey to her threats and eliminating Shawntel (and the crier and the fainter). Snip, snip, snip. That was to show Courtney he means business! What-ever dude. Get a haircut and keep your tongue in your mouth.

I don't know anything else about the episode and I'm not giving these desperadoes any play by digging up their pictures. I realize it's all in the name of entertainment, but this show is degrading to women. Who in their right mind would want to fight over a guy? Much less a guy who has his tongue down everyone's throat?

Dear Kacie B.: Be grateful he chose Courtney. Keep running and don't look back!!

Cave Woman?

2012-01-11T21:52:00.000-08:00

Sunday was traumatic: the tree came down. And so did half its needles.

However this was also the mark of good things to come since I've always viewed January 2nd as the start of spring. Some call it delusion, I call it survival skills. I am a denier of the winter weather. While a warm sweater or jacket is still in rotation it is most often found over a dress of sorts, or perhaps a skinny denim baring the ankles. For those of you up to your knees in snow, I'm sorry. I have zero advice having fled that same Canadian scene several years ago. Turn up the heat and parade around the house in shorts and t with a margarita in hand? I may or may not have used this as a coping mechanism whilst combating an adverse reaction to snow mold that left me housebound for months.

Back to Sunday. It was a glorious afternoon. The perfect spring day one might say. Is it appropriate to wear fur in spring? I don't know, I just did it anyway. Truth be told it was a little balmy despite being sans sleeves, but I reveled in it. My poor pale skin sung out beneath the warm rays of the sun while I nestled my head in the needles of the tree (while shielding my eyes) just one last time to breath in its pine goodness. It's a new day. Goodbye tree and hello beach.

Thinking bird.

Wrinkled bird.
~outfit details: Anthropologie-Dress, Juicy Couture-Vest (again), Madewell-Boots~

Finally pulled the trigger on these Madewell boots just before Christmas and

want to wear them every day--leggings, shorts, dresses, jeans and even sweats.

Yes it's true. Sacrilege has struck.

~Vanessa Mooney-Necklace, Melinda Maria-Ring, Motif 56 and PANYC-Bracelets~

Angry bird?

The Chef was calling it my cave woman look.

Within 24 hours he went down like a sack of hammers with the flu. Well now...

Woman kissing the tree goodbye while her boyshort peeks out.

Yep yep we keep it real over here at the bird, folks.

The Bachelor Recap: Prince Pinot, A Stage Five Clinger and a Bunch of Drunk Cats in a Bag

2012-01-10T00:19:00.000-08:00

Here we go again with Ben and co. I'm just going to type thoughts live while watching and let it roll. To add insult to injury the Chef's got food poisoning and is in a full-on fever pitch state of ginger ale requests...it's gonna be a long night. At least he'll get to drop 10lbs, I'm going to need a crate of chocolate after this Bachelor mess. You know I'm right.

First off let's discuss: Internet leaks claim Ben chose crazy eyes Courtney the wannabe famous model. I'm gonna view through that lens. If he picks her I'll track him down and splash him with an entire bottle of wine myself. You hear that Ben??

The skies open and Ben's walking his dog in Sonoma waiting for the girls. Side note: the dog is the star. It's a mush moment as we see family pics. It's destroyed when the hos jump out of the car. It's wine time!

First date card goes to Kacie B.

Why do they do this ridiculous hand heart thing? WHY!?!?

Cut to sunset and the claws come out. Courtney's already blathering she hopes big K doesn't come back. Oh yawn Michelle Money. Stuff a sock in it. Ben rolls up in his sawed off truck and it's date time. Ben's going to show her something personal, near and dear to his heart. I'm actually terrified. Please don't let it be a body part. The streets are dead in Sonoma leading me to believe all intelligent people have fled the scene knowing bachelor zombies were on the way. He shows her town hall, they find a piano in some store and tickle the ivories. Two random women wander up the otherwise deserted street and everyone hugs (weird sauce), he and Kacie pick out a bunch of candy, she runs back to the store and grabs a baton unveiling a secret: she used to toss a baton. She thinks the date's going better than imagined. I look up and notice she's blitzed, eyes half open, only one blinking. Ben shares wonderful memories about his dad. She says she's a hopeless romantic and would move anywhere for love. He puts the brakes on and blurts out that he'd need to see the south first. Slow ya roll there lady girl.

Back at the maison the doorbell rings and all the hags scream 'date card' in the shrillest voices you ever did hear. Group date: Britney, Rachel, Jennifer, Blakely, Emily, Jenna, Shawn, Monica, Samantha, Jaime, Nikki and Jacqueline all pretend they're ecstatic to have to share time. Cut to Blakeley bitching about having a group date. She's willing to knock someone out. Uh-oh. All I'm thinking about is the maybe lesbian tryst going on between Blakeley and Monica.

mmmkay? oh what a difference a few days makes.

Over at Kacie and Ben he gives her a rose, they lock lips, he's going to make himself vulnerable with one last surprise: an empty theater and on the screen home movies of her and her fam throughout her childhood. Why is this important? Snooze. Then Ben's family movies pop up. Honestly, it's sad to see the footage of him and his dad. I start crying a little and haven't even had any wine. I feel badly for him. Ben thinks his dad would like Kacie B. She thinks she's found a lifetime of love with Ben. Really? After one date and with a gaggle of hens back in the henhouse? Oh lady. Isn't she the divorcee who's ready to give it another go? Someone help me. Or just help her. There's a long road ahead.

Group date time: he's going to make these women feel a part of this small town community. Blakeley's made sure to have her boobs hanging out as much as possible.

Imagine those things hanging out of a severely low-cut, striped romper

and you've got what she wore on a group date. In front of children.

Keepin' it classy.

Monica likes boys all the sudden and she's ready to standout in this playwright thing he's got set up. I'm looking for Jenna: is she taking her pills yet?? The playwrights are a bunch of kids. Loud kids. He wants to see if they like kids. Good thing Courtney's not here or she might eat them live. Jennifer has to act like a weasel, someone else a pig, a dragon, a damsel in distress, Nicki looking for prince charming. Then she did a sexy sprinkler dance. The kids say it all: some of them are better than others. They need to bring it! Blakeley is asked to jog in slo-mo with her boobs. A girl doesn't like her, a boy does. Out do the mouths of babes.

Back at the house, Courtney the bat takes to attacking the horse rider who got the first impression rose. Courtney is one nasty b*tch.

image via hollywood reporter

Back at the play, Jenna the relationship blogger is cast as a wizard (she's gonna need some magic to stay in this game), Blakeley's a gingerbread man hooker, everyone's in costume and all of Ben's friends plus half the town are there to see the performance. Bets on guys only remembering Blakeley's boobs. You know she'll try to show them. It's some tale set in bachelorville, Ben is prince Pinot and they all want to kiss him. Monica the maybe lesbian blows off Ben's sheep suit leaving him in a cottonball loincloth. I can't even make this stuff up. He kisses a princess, the town of Sonoma cheers! All the girls want to be with him for life. Of course. Because this would be daily living? The commercials are the best part: Blakeley is termed a stage 5 clinger and the hags all want to rip her a new one. FAST FORWARD!

End of group date: he didn't kiss everyone and the whiners want reparations. Oh shiz. Blakeley can't stop ranting to everyone that she wants that rose!! Sure way to win enemies there ya dingbat. Bens nuts: he thinks she's super grounded and everyone likes her. Duh! He wants to know where she got her style aka boobs from. She's just blessed, she says. *rolls eyes* Meanwhile in the can Samantha's losing it. She's in the stall and wants to rip Blakeley's head off. It's gonna be eff'd up if Blakeley gets a rose she says, while the camera shows her sitting on the toilet in her dress. Pull yourself together honey. You've got bigger fish to fry *cough crazy Courtney cough*.

No jokes. This was the scene.

Back at the house it's date card time. Aside: The chef comes out of a trance: how looooong is this on? Me: 5 minutes. And he passes back out. Whew. Courtney's gonna get to spin the bottle with Ben. She makes some snide remark to all of them, balls out, in their faces. That chick put the ug in ugly. Bet he picked her. Troll.

At the group date they're all in the pool (here we go with the pool scenes). Pressure's on. Blakeley's frothing at the mouth watching Ben connect with others. Jennifer gets one on one time with Ben. More kissing in the private pool. She's a goner. He might be a swine. On the couch all the girls think Jennifer might get the rose, Blakeley goes nuts, the Scorpio in her jumps him in another private pool, Jennifer doesn't feel special anymore, crying ensues. Next thing everyone's dried off and Ben awards the rose to the one who made the most of the day and the night and her conversation (ahem) with him: Blakeley pulled the wool over the sheep's eyes. Haha! Jennifer bawls, the girls call Blakely a candystriper hooker, horsey, slut, etc. She calls them all a bunch of bitches. Oh girl. You are gonna go down like a box of rocks when Courtney gets her hands on Ben. Don't shoot your back-ups.

Courtney cray cray.

Ben's back in his sawed off truck to pick up Courtney claiming she's one of the most beautiful women he's ever seen and gosh darn it she's a model y'all. Really dude? You bought that? Note to producers: Ben needs glasses and, I suspect, possibly some brains in the area of character reading. I mean outside the script. Poor dog Scotch has to go on the date. Hope she doesn't eat him. Vampiro lady. Kacie B hopes witch C doesn't come back, thereby echoing the sentiments of all. The dogs on her lap, please don't toss it out Elvira. I notice she's wearing shorts and boots just like Kacie was on her date. Hmmmmmmm. Copycat ho-bag. He takes her into the middle of the forest where they practice dog howls. She's a natural. They picnic by a creek, she claims to have been 'just doing her time' so no dates in a long time. I think it's because of her crazy face and ugly black heart, but that's just me. She meets a lot of people, but no one really, you know. No we don't hag bag. Why don't you fill us in? They smooch (yawn), he's captivated and thinks she's the full package. It's gonna be a long torturous season. Next thing you know they're riding on a tractor in the dark, wandering through a vineyard to dinner, he's wondering if she's too good to be true. Uh hello Ben! That's intuition calling!! She's playing a role and loving the tv exposure, he's babbling like a schoolboy when it hits me: he's Ashley bachelorette. She tells some lies about having dated an actor and finding underwear in the bed. Playing the role of the wounded dater. Grossfest as he eats it up bestowing a rose on her. Barf. Immediately she's blathering to the camera about the other girls should look out. If he did pick her I bet he's peeing his pants at what his mother's gonna say right about now.

wenchola

In the house it's cocktail party/elimination time. Ben pulls first impression rose horsey aside to begin with. She's country. She's safe. He rolls back in and pulls Samantha from the bathroom stall aside. Blakeley goes on and on to all the girls about doing what she needs to do to get that rose. Shoots self in foot. Samantha blabs on for two seconds when suddenly Blakeley rolls in to steal the show. Hoo-ker has a rose already! Pride is dead. This has turned into the Blakeley steals all the alone time show while cray cray Courtney laughs maniacally in the corner. Girls in a heap, someone calls Blakeley a stage 5 clinger, they're ready to smack her down. Crazy Jenna gets one on one and almost lights a fire tossing a blanket on a candle. She's a bag of nerves and it's biz-arre. Calls herself a guy amongst girls because she's not, like a girl. Oh and she's drunk AGAIN. Slurs and all. Starts bawling, finds her way to a bed, lays down and bawls her head off. Uh, lay off the drinks much? Everyones back to ragging on Blakeley and her horse face, Courtney gathers intel, Blakeley finds the corner of the luggage room, gets in the fetal and starts snotting for attention. Ben finds her (as planned I'm sure) and tells her to collect herself. Good luck with that buddy. On his way back to the sitting room he finds Jenna wailing in bed. It's just too good. I mean these messes are in the dictionary next to drunk and wrecked.

Eliminations (as Jenna crumbles): Shawna and crazy Jenna who insanely enough is in shock. She is out of her damn mind and thinks it's not really happening. Someone call for the straitjacket.

this was from the first night, but good enough. mess on the right.

wish i had video of her slurring.

Next stop: San Francisco. Some mystery chick shows up, a bunch more bawling, and one of the broads faints. Good times.

Chef's summary: does this guy saying anything other than 'in Sonoma'?? What is he? A walking commercial for grapes? Ugghhh!!! Yep, that sums it up.

It's a Garfield vs. Odie World

2012-01-09T15:16:00.000-08:00

On Saturday morning I was lying in bed doing that thing sane people do on Saturday mornings (sleep), when I was disturbed from the ultimate slumber by the annoying maniacal laughter of the downstairs neighbors. Within moments the guffaws made way out their backdoor *SLAM! cue windows rattling*, and up the stairs *thud thud thud thud thud thud* onto the deck that resides just outside my bedroom where they got louder and louder and louder until I stomped into the bathroom that overlooked their joyous *dripping with sarcasm* scene and slammed it shut with all my might.

Did this cause them to skip a beat? Only one. They then proceeded, at 9am, to scream with laughter while more and more of their friends arrived on the scene causing me to wonder aloud, 'Are these people mental in the head?' And yes I did scream it out loud from my bed.

As I laid there in my once peaceful haven trying to keep from lighting on fire due to spontaneous combustion it hit me: It's a Garfield vs. Odie world and I'm in the presence of a bunch of frickin' Odies. They, in fact, own an Odie and that in and of itself should have told me what I was up against.

The Odies of the world are annoying barkers. Bright-eyed and bushy-tailed from sun up 'til sun down, they are oblivious to others even though they bloody well know what's going on. They bound around, feigning clueless to use it to their advantage, thinking everyone is on their insane planet of frenetic energy. Due to the sheeple of the world they are usually hailed as wonderful when, in fact, they are nothing more than quintessential butt kissers. In true Garfield form I would like to swipe these types from my table, relegating them to the backyard...of a neighboring city. That I would never visit.

I am a Garfield: I want peace, quiet, lasagna, death to Mondays, long naps on Saturdays (and all days schedule permitting). A realist (Odies call it a pessimist, but FYI reality is what it actually is), a thinker, an easer into each day, a gazer out the window of life, spurring into action only when action is called for (intentional living). I will not scream on your Saturday mornings, stomp up and down the steps outside your window, let my cats barf on your front porch (even if Odies live there), hammer pictures into the wall at 10:30pm, open and close the garage door 18x at 6am, assume your living space as my own, or smoke 14000 cigarettes every morning in the bedroom below yours. I just won't. Because I'm Garfield. And all I want is serenity and a snack.

Rant over and out.

Denial. Take Me Back.

2012-01-05T21:37:00.000-08:00

~Okay so the most crazy a** thing just happened. I was glancing over the stats page and notice a bunch of hits coming off eBay. I'm all wtf is this about? I'm not selling myself on eBay. Cut to scene and someone linked my sequin pants post for the J.Crew sweater. Can you imag? I mean shouldn't they send you an email before they put you on blast on eBay? What if my mom's on there and thinks I'm for sale? I'm gonna have some 'splainin' to do. ~

Little aside there before I launch off into the reality: Christmas is over.

You've probably already realized that, but my head's been stuck in the ~~chocolate~~ sand.

I've been sitting here all week trying to maintain a perpetual state of holiday. Is that you reality? Uh, I'm not home *she says while eating just one last chocolate*. Suddenly work hit me like a brick between the eyes. You mean I can't go meander off all afternoon for lunch, cocktails, mindless shopping that produces bags of treasures I should be giving away but am keeping for myself? And don't even get me started on how I'm supposed to work my way out of needing an afternoon nap. After 2 full weeks of afternoon naps I'm a hot mess come 2pm when I can't lie down.

Oh Christmas, come back soon. *throws self on floor and bawls eyes out*

It was only yesterday:

Gifts wrapped carefully, placed gently beneath the tree.

Daily deliveries from the UPS man.

chocolate. all day long chocolate.

Christmas morning treats.

Impromptu mid-day margarita pitstops.

And glorious naps with the cat.

Where did it all go?

Good Luck With That

2012-01-04T11:19:00.000-08:00

Whoever thought this up was gooned out of their mind on chocolate.

Lucky b*tch

*cue the post-Holiday blues aka unhanding the boxes of chocolate*

The Bachelor Recap: Hang on Ben Flajnik. It's on!

2012-01-02T23:27:00.000-08:00

I got sucked into the Bachelor vortex thanks to Ben Flajnik. I can't help it. That Ashley bachelorette did a number on him and I want him to find happiness. Why he's trying to find it on this idiot tv show is beyond me, but I'm willing to take a look at the pickings for a couple episodes anyway. Recap below was done as I watched...all I can say is all the usual suspects are there + some new nut jobs. Brace yourself. And Ben you brace yourself too, buddy. There's a few biznatches in your midst.

1. Lindzi might be 27 *cough no way in hell cough*, is in sales but her true passion is horses, and faked a getting dumped text at the scripting of the Bachelor producers. Nice try. NEXT

2. Some chick in a field who says she's 28 but they print 29 on the screen. She's firing off a gun and talking about eating cow balls. Uh, are they trying to find a match for Ben Flajnik? Am I on the wrong channel?

I think that's her just to his left in the crazy yellow dress?

3. Next we have a gushing 24 yr old Kacie who is looking crazy as ever talking about how she can't wait to love Ben like her granny loved her grandpa. She's ready for this me to be a we. Oh hell no. I'm not going to make it through this episode. Neither is Ben.

4. Courtney from Santa Monica is straight up going to bring the crazy--pass the pills. She's a modeling biznatch on wheels and I envision her with a fistful of some other broad's hair in 3, 2, 1...

5. Jamie. She's almost normal, but grew up with serious deadbeat parent issues and raised her siblings on her own. I sense reasonable airtime prior to the finale where she either gets declined or loses her mind and can't commit leaving him 0 for 2. This could get ugly.

6. Another Lyndsie? Whhyyyyeee?? Dad's a diplomat so she's lived "like everywhere", but somehow ends up in Scottsdale? *gag* Her living space is a menagerie of the worst of the worst tchotchkes from around the globe, why is there a huge ad on the side of her car, and what is that God awful tune she's wailing?!

7. Oh Lordy the next is a jittery relationship blogger. Talk about the blind leading the blind. Look out Ben: crazy town's got a new resident. Meet Jenna!

Looks kind of normal, but out of her gourd.

8. Now we have a financial advisor, single mom from Phoenix. Shawn wants a dad for her kid. I'm terrified of her black chandelier and electric blue walls. Eep! What will Ben's mother say?? That is not Northern California-rrific.

9. Nikki's divorced. She got married at 18, is now 26 and ready to give it another go because you know this time she's sure it won't fizzle out after a few years like last time. Oof. Where's the relationship blogger? We need some advice on #9. She's already planning Christmas in Sonoma.

Here we cut to Ben. He's sitting with Chris and he's looking good. The guy is articulate and intelligent and, for the life of me, I can't think of even one chick they've shown thus far who can even come close to interesting him. Especially the shooter. Good grief. At this point the limos start arriving. I'm in the dark. They've only intro'd 9 girls. Are the real I ones in the car and the rest was a gag? Please say it's true...Nope. Like oh mah gah they're squealing from the limo!

10. Rachel, fashion sales rep.

11. Erika, law student *snooze* Line of the night: "you're guilty of being sexay!" ugh

12. Amber the baconator from Canada. I.just.can't.

13. Elyse the personal trainer with the whack walk and zero arm definition. Trainer, huh?

Jenna the blogger gets out next and she's awkward AND crazy (but has killer shoes). She makes Ben (and the other 5 people watching) super uncomfortable and it's only a matter of time before the wheels fly right off her bus. I called this! Cuc-koo!!

Another car, another crazy: Courtney the model. She's only in this for tv exposure. Ben thinks she's pretty. Yawwwwn. This chick is trouble. She's going to be on Bachelor Pad cutting a b*tch.

14. Emily. Finishing PhD in epidemiology. She hoses him down with hand sanitizer and gets the first kiss. Might as well get at it before the germs start flying inside. Blech.

15. Good God in heaven. Samantha aka Miss Pacific Palisades emerges complete with sash. NEXT

what on earth?

16. Casey the Trading Clerk looks kinda good and rather normal. At this stage.

17. Another Amber. Complete with horrendous yellow dress. Oh and 1994 called. Donna Martin wants her bangs back. I think this is the shooting ball eater!

18. Whoa with the hat Holly from Kentucky.

okay? lose the lid.

Jamie with the family issues catches his eye. He is 'loving the brunettes'. As I was saying finale potential.

19. Shira, not to be mistaken with Shee-rah, needs a sandwich, is an 'actress' and knows everything about wine. You can see the look of sheer(no pun intended) annoyance cross his face.

20. Blakeley the VIP Cocktail Waitress. Stunner.

21. Old lady on crutches. Cheryl. Wants him to meet her granddaughter Brittney. I'm sure the others were pleased with that accessory. I smell a cat fight. Yep. Biotches strike in two seconds. The Canadian is a real hag.

22. Dianna. Giddy. Can't remember what she was going to say. *cringe*

23. Jennifer. Rain Man's sister.

24. Anna. Walks by and barely says hi. Whoopee

25. Monica misses her dog. Uh, really?

26. Jaclyn. She's wearing Loubs.

*Horsey lover rides in at the end and all the cats in a bag get pissy. Not sure Ben's gonna make it out of there without getting his eyes scratched out. And why do I have 26 when there are 25 girls. Whatever. I can't remember the shooting cow ball eater's name so she's in here twice. Amber?*

Summary: they all get drunk and fight amongst themselves while slurring to the camera. Girls say kayoot, cute, cu-ute, etc. Of course someone left her job for this experience. The divorcee blabs about old relationship baggage (death) while the echo resounds 'so glad it's you, Ben'. The granny thing got a little old. The hags talked crap about her, horsey and everyone else. Ben does push-ups from the fake trainer, the cocktail one shows her cheesy tattoo while he looks around the room ignoring her, the PhD does a really bad disease rap, the single mom in the electric green dress kicks a soccer ball around and the model claims to be sooooo busy flying around the world for wer-rk (meaning she has none) while the slurring relationship blogger wigs out. She's nuts. Is this over yet? oh wait: Monica hits on Blakeley the cocktail girl. I'm done as there's a near fist fight between the sloshed and bawling relationship blogger and maybe bi-sexual Monica.

Question of the night: how in the hell is that relationship blogger blogging on relationships? Or sanity? She is completely unhinged, raging in the bathroom all alone, while roses are about to be handed out. Pills please!

First impression rose: Horsey from Seattle who doesn't know if she's 26 or 27.

Snips: Shee-rah, the rapper, the diplomat's daughter, blazing yellow dress with 1990's hair (ball eating shooter!), the one who walked by without greeting him, the baconator, and the one who couldn't remember what she was going to say upon meeting him.

Holy frig - he kept the crazy relationship blogger, the potential lesbian, tattoo cheese, and the pageant queen. All I have to say, yet again, is this is scripted. There's no way any intelligent guy would keep some those disasters. No way no how. The relationship blogger? The relationship blogger??

Take One Last Look in the Rearview

2011-12-29T17:12:00.000-08:00

I had to work today. *mumble mumble profanity grumble*

I really can't complain. I mean it's not that bad. It's just the feeling of next week barreling towards me at, oh, 750 miles an hour. And the fact I'd convinced myself I was the only person in the free world working (not true after all. go figure). *pauses to lie down while there's still time*

Early this afternoon The Chef came over for our semi-annual garage dive. The one where he pries a bunch of crap from my vulcan grip to give to charity while I stand on one foot debating whether or not I need it anymore. But this time I was ready for him. I wanted to give it all the heave-ho! Off the starboard bow, over the hurdles and into the great unknown. *you know, because it's always so much easier to purge when it's a situation of work vs. purge*

When I'm in the mood to let it all fly I'm in the mood to let it all fly and suffice it to say it flew. There were just a few treasures I couldn't let go of this round. Examine the evidence:

Dudes. Everyone needs a magic wand.

And some Foo Dogs, a rotisserie chicken thing, a set of jumper cables and a cat carrier.

But who's keeping track?

And there's no way I'm getting rid of the gift box from

the bomb a** Missoni throw the Chef got me back in 2009 when the

recession had bit a hole clear through the derriere of my pantalones.

It was the nicest gift evah...even though it sat in a crate in NYC until February while

we called and called and called realizing the receiving company was in dire straits and

couldn't pay for the shipment so the blanket had to be reordered through a different store.

It was the Great Blanket Adventure of 2009. Woot!

What is this you ask? Brace yourself.

Hell yeah! It's a Piglet phone cover circa 1998!

Don't ask me what I was thinking at time of purchase. Clearly very brainiac thoughts.

Anyway on that note I give 2011 the royal kiss off with a wave of me magic wand! It was a wild one and I'm ready to shake the dust from my heels and slide into 2012. PS- yesterday was Good Riddance Day. A time to say goodbye to one bad memory from 2011, write it down and shred that mother up. Did you tear one up? *I may or may not have stuffed an envelope full and clogged the shredder.*

Red Alert on the Shoe Front?

2011-12-27T14:08:00.000-08:00

Rather than launching off into the post-Christmas wrap-up, I bring you the following:

This is not okay.

Holiday sale or no holiday sale these need to become extinct immediately.

Tsk tsk Saks.

I. Can't. Even.

2011-12-22T09:39:00.000-08:00

So while everyone else is posting about homecomings and last minute gift guides, my house is a disaster and I've been buried under a pile of Trader Joe's Candy Cane and Mini Peppermint Waffle Cookies (daily bread) watching the following on repeat. Everyone and their mother probably saw it before me, but I've made up for it in the past 3 days. 'I mean, get it together.'

I haven't laughed so hard on the rinse and repeat cycle since this one. Still leaves me gasping for air:

You're gonna need a snack or ten once you get all caught up in the youtube videos, so why not head over to Danielle's? I'm guest posting over there today and whipped up a Black Forest Trifle complete with Baileys infused chocolate pudding. And then proceeded to eat half of it in 3 days. Er, breakfast lunch and dinner?

ps-thanks for all the kind words yesterday. just needed to say it out loud and close the door. gotta get back to singing 'ding dong the witch is dead' now.

Woman Treading Water Wants Out of the Pool

2011-12-21T00:55:00.000-08:00

Has someone ever disappointed you so much that you kind of got stuck at a certain place in your life? Loaded opening sentence there, but one I'd like an answer to. Recently - and I guess stemming back to not so recently - a person I really trusted and thought highly of (and no not the bf) completely trampled me in what I've come to realize is their ongoing tirade of self. It feels like such a long time that I've been weaving in and out of a deep level of hurt. Sometimes, admittedly, without much grace.

Yesterday I was in my car and managed to forget it for awhile when suddenly at a red light this jolt of remembrance left me feeling as though I'd been kicked in the stomach all over again. Yeah, it sounds dramatic and certainly isn't all unicorns flying out of your a** like blogging's supposed to be (or something), but whatevs. It's the truth. A guttural sigh and a green light later I thought to myself, 'I've gotta get away from this. I don't want to let this moment define my life and destroy me.' It was a turning point, I guess. There have been months of dark days dealing with this person and I'm really tired of it. The Chef's been cheering me from the sidelines and it's helped a lot, but every once in awhile I am faced with the fact that this thing, this person, will forever be written in my life story and I wish I could just erase the entire thing.

Hell's bells. Not so much on the cheery side today I'm afraid.

Some dark pics to go with? You got it. Pass the chocolate.

~Outfit: Juicy Couture-Vest, Old Navy-Sweater, Alexa Chung-Skirt, Frye-Boots, Rings-Flea, FP, Bracelets-Vanessa Mooney, Madewell, Motif 56~

Bright side: skirt's on sale, sweater is too and so good I picked it up in two colors. Santa's sleigh came early and I was driving it. Maybe that was him behind me in that picture? Nah!

This is How It's Going Down

2011-12-19T00:13:00.000-08:00

Epic bummer on the home front: I can't go back to Canada to be with my family for Christmas. It is the tale of a passport that UPS "misplaced" for 21 days, that a loyal blog friend then located and had delivered, followed by line upon line upon....well let's just say the passport isn't here yet and airline tickets are at a minimum of $1500. All this sent me into a bit of a tear-filled spiral this weekend. Okay and last week. Christmas is the one time of year where you can have guilt-free days off from work because everyone else is doing nil with their friends and family too. I want my mom's cookies! *whine*

Sigh.

Looks like it'll be a concrete jungle-filled Christmas this year.

It's pretty tempting to just get into a nap-induced fetal and remain there until January 2nd. And it might happen anyway, but it would be nice to get some traditions of my own going. I'll be honest: one thing I always do at this time of year is buy and religiously wear Abercrombie & Fitch sweatpants. Go ahead. Laugh. Laugh all you want, but know this: the sweats they push out at the holidays are unparalleled. Soft, smushy fabric that's like velvet on the skin. Sized to fit the adults of the world vs. the 12 year old skinny girls they cater to the remainder of the year. I lived in mine all weekend and given the need for comfort at this traumatic time *drama queen in the house* am hoping Santa hears my cry and drops a couple more pairs under the DECORATED (victory!) tree.

Santa? Santa you out there? More smelly A&F sweats please. This is a red alert.

Is it wrong to want to spend Christmas day lying around in one's A&F sweats munching sugar cookies, watching Elf, and dozing in and out of a food-induced coma? We think not.

Decorate What?

2011-12-14T22:31:00.000-08:00

On Friday we arrived, filled with excitement, at the beloved tree lot. Determined to linger and not get caught in a panic we were, of course, late and had to rush a little. This led to strategizing prior to departing the vehicle. Dialogue included the following:

Him: Don't get caught up in the wreaths. We're here for a tree.

Me: Oh ma gah I want to ride the train. Do you think they'll let me on there?

Him: Are you listening to me?

Me: Is there a height restriction for the train?

Him: Hel-lo! TREE TREE TREE

Me: Fiiiine (eye roll) I hear you. Stay out of the 7 footers. Capiche? I don't think we can fit one of those mothers through the door. Remember last year? (don't ask)

Upon exiting the vehicle here's how it went down:

Nerves dissipate as the scent of Pine, Noble Fir, Douglas Fir and whatever other wonderful

tree smells are out there waft into our nostrils. It's Christmas-tree time.

He thinks this might be the one.

While I make best friends with this tree which is, coincidentally, over 7ft tall.

Ahem. Insert foot in mouth.

The tree guy agrees that this is the one. The Chef doesn't really care. It's over 7ft tall. Sold!

Time for gymnasio into the dojo aka trying to stuff it up the stairs into our place.

Sunday afternoon we limber up for decorating time.

Okay he mocks my stationary lunges. Whatever.

Three hours later we had one strand of lights on and went for a Mexican food break.

Sounds about right.

Cut to scene and it is now Wednesday night. That one, lone, strand of lights remains on the tree due to insanity decorating at the restaurant (which looks marvy btw) while the house looks like a tornado blew through here flinging one strand of lights on the tree in the corner. On that note: I gotta go. It would be nice to have the tree decorated by Christmas and I only have 10 days left to make that happen.

Operation Sequin Pants: The Eagle Has Landed

2011-12-12T00:39:00.000-08:00

In the process of undergoing Operation Sequin Pants a couple of things have come to light: a. I am not particularly risky in the clothing department (read: fears the thunder thigh effect) and b. one can never have too many lunges and/or squats per 24 hour timespan. It's been a few weeks since the pants were secured, but yesterday was the first time they actually saw the great outdoors. Conclusion: you have to have nuts to be traipsing around in these things in the daylight hours. They are ideal for the New Year's Eve or Holiday party circuit, but I'm contemplating how to meander around for the next few weeks in a more casual ensemble. Perhaps the ballet flat, simple white t//blouse + blazer effect will bring it home...once the ten inches of rain stop falling. Until then, examine the evidence. Warning: sparkly pants apparently bring out the inner crazy bird.

~J.Crew-Sweater, Siwy-Sequin Pants, Forever21:Booties~

I'm sure the neighbor was wondering WTH was going on. Niiiice.

Picked up this sweater on the fly at J.Crew just days before locating the pants.

It sold out moments later, but I saw a few strays in my local store this weekend in case

you're on the hunt and/or feeling chagrin over lack of online availability.

~Bracelets: mix of Madewell, J.Crew, Vanessa Mooney, AE and random hairband.~

*I'll add outtake pics to the facebook page later today (now done)...prepare to pee your pants laughing.

ps-next up: Operation Trim the Tree. Here's hoping the lights are on prior to NYE.

Holiday Gift Guide: Give & Give Back

2011-12-08T22:39:00.000-08:00

Usually I have gifts purchased or in view by the first week of December and am sitting in a pretty decent situation counting down the days until the 25th. Usually. For some reason this year is a repeat of last when I found myself in a bit of a frenzy, kind of stumped for what to buy and with only a couple tchotchkes tucked into the closet. One thing I don't want to do is just click away at items on the internet to make it go away (although it is tempting). Giving meaningful gifts is half the fun of giving in the first place, so one thing I am planning to do is give at least one item that gives back to each member of my family. It's really easy (at least for me) to get swept up in the excess of it all, even if I don't necessarily purchase mass amounts. And then without fail as I'm wrapping presents a degree of chagrin sweeps over as I think of thoughtful things left out that could have made an impact on someone else's life too. So with that in mind here are a handful of wonderful goodies that can make a difference and do double duty at the holidays:

1. Pura Vida Bracelets - These are so cool to pile on and are the perfect stocking stuffer. Pura Vida provides food, clothing and shelter for the 15 Costa Rican artisans who make these bracelets, and donates 1% of each bracelet sold back to The Surfrider Foundation, an organization dedicated to protecting oceans and beaches worldwide.

2. Glassbaby - I raved about Glassbaby last year (see here). These votive holders are beautiful and come in a wide array of colors. Different colors give to different causes, and one of my favorites to gift is the BFF. A. love the color. B. 10% of proceeds go to the Memorial Sloan Kettering Cancer Centers C. get your colors/sets here.

3. TOMS Shoes - I'm such a fan of TOMS. For every pair of shoes sold, a pair is given to a child in need. I recently had a chance to spend an afternoon at TOMS and left feeling so inspired and moved by the spirit of giving that permeates the company. Everyone in my family is getting a pair this year. Secret's out!

4. Made With Love Recycled Rubber Bracelets - made by a Women's Cooperative in West Africa, these bracelets not only provide the women who make them with a viable means of support, they are also sold to raise funds for L'Empire Des Enfants--a center for homeless children from the streets of Dakar, Senegal. The center provides shelter, meals, education and training as well as works with local organizations to reunite children with their families. I have a set of these bracelets and love them!

5. Mother and Child Candles - made in California by Maura Peters, all profits from these candles are donated to the Tibetan Healing Fund (THF) a not-for-profit humanitarian organization established to improve primary healthcare and education for rural Tibetan women and children in the Tibetan regions of the P.R. China.
6. Dutzi Design - this business is near and dear to me. Founder Ariane Dutzi has become a dear friend and it's been wonderful to watch her business grow. Ariane designs the bags and then empowers Mayan men and women, skilled craftspeople, to earn a living and set fair prices for their work as they bring her designs to life.

Do you consider/include gifts that give back in your holiday shopping? If you have additional ideas, please leave in the comments. I'm hoping to knock out some serious shopping this weekend!

If At First You Don't Succeed Try Again: Gluten-Free Donuts

2011-12-07T01:09:00.000-08:00

Last week Tiffani from Dancing Branflakes sent out a plea for real gluten-free donuts. You know, like, real donuts that are fluffy and light vs. cake donuts. She tugged at my heart strings (and truth be told read my mind. As a former Krispy Kreme visitor and child of a donut maker life just isn't quite the same) and memories of growing up with a mom and grandma who made the best homemade donuts in all the land. So many times after school I would walk through the door and find fresh made glazed or sugar donuts waiting for me. Sigh. Those were the days.

So with these things fueling me I worked up the courage to find a recipe that looked like it just might work. Now I'm not a professional baker by any means and a lot of gluten-free baking is by trial and error. With the Chef backing me (read: egging me on) I set out making the dough on Saturday. It appeared to work and, following instructions, I set it in the refrigerator overnight with dreams of donuts dancing in my head all that night.

Cut to scene and there I was Sunday morning. It was donut time! The Chef bought me a little gift: candy thermometer for the side of my deep fryer. There was no way I could fail now. It was go time. Go donut time. Whatever.

Step one: roll out the dough. Was it going to hold together? Could it handle it?

Why yes, yes it could. Sigh of relief.

I took it back to the old school and rolled the dough out on my dining room table just

like my mom and grandma used to do. Everything was on track.

I laid the donuts and donut holes out to rise for an hour or so (lightly covered) and crossed my fingers.

The rest was kind of a letdown. After an hour and a half the dough had only risen maybe half as much as I wanted it to. Chances are (and my gut was telling me) gluten-free dough may work better without that time in the refrigerator slowing the yeast down. At the end of it all I decided to deep fry a few donuts just to test the texture of a finished product.

Here's what I got:

Pardon my giant thumb and not so fancy plate.

By that time I was pretty much traumatized and disappointed that I wouldn't be having any of the

super light and airy donuts that had filled my dreams just hours before.

What I can say is this: the taste is there. The texture on this batch was a little heavy, but lighter than a cake donut so maybe, just maybe, if I tweak the recipe just a bit there may be a chance for a donut that is a little closer to the fluffy ones of days gone by. Wish me luck! I'm hoping to go in for round 2 this weekend if I can manage to get the Christmas tree purchased at some point this week. And then there's always that Christmas shopping that isn't near done...or even significantly started yet. Where is this month going??

It Was a Case of True Love

2011-12-05T01:39:00.000-08:00

I had something to say, but can't remember what it was seeing as I just made the grave mistake of watching 'Virgin Diaries' on TLC and fear my mind has been wiped clean. If there is a possibility of being scarred for life simply from watching a tv show I've got third degree scars. Did any of you happen to catch the two who got married and had never kissed before? (see here) Uh, can you say maul? I was mid-air with a fork of pan seared green beans and can't even recall eating them. There were some other awkward scenarios to behold, but suddenly they've escaped my mind.

Did I do anything this weekend? Laundry, couch, worked on testing gluten-free donut recipes and laughed my head off on Friday night over dinner with friends. At some point I made a pitstop at Whole Foods where I had a stranger tsk tsk me for purchasing green beans that weren't organic. Excuse me lady, but do I know you? I'm paying $4.99/lb for green beans and counting out exactly 14 so as not to break the bank. Do ya mind? It was on this very excursion that I ceased the moment to try out my new Current/Elliott Rollers for the first time. The love story continues. No big shocker there. I've been raving about the brand since the very beginning. I guess this makes me a one denim brand loving woman (you know like a one woman man)--except nothing like the peeps who got married on Virgin Diaries. *washes eyes out with bleach*

~Details: Alexa Chung for Madewell-Sweater, Current/Elliott-Jeans, Joie-Wedges~

Effective immediately: Channeling the 80's love for fisherman knits.

~Jewelry close-up: Vanessa Mooney x3-Silver/Grey Suede, Madewell-Gold, Motif 56-Leather~

All those late nights watching Grease and Saturday Night Fever are manifesting before

our eyes. Next up: big afro wig! (wishes and dreams)

It's a Sign: The Sequin Pants Saga

2011-12-01T18:33:00.000-08:00

A couple years ago you would have found me hunched over the computer staring at Siwy's sequin Hannah's for hours. I am by no means daring with the sequins, yet there was just something about these pants. Should I? Shouldn't I? Should I? Shouldn't I? It was a never-ending cycle of staring and questioning. Then they went on sale. It was the height of the recession (or is that now? It's like a broken record...) and I just kept watching and waiting for a slightly lower price then BAM! Those hookers were gone! Snatched out from under me while I fell asleep at the ~~watch~~ computer ~~being a cheapskate~~.

Funny how it goes, isn't it? You think you might not need something and then the moment you can't have it anymore you suddenly realize, 'Hey I really do need those pants. I need them now. I will wear them every day.' Of course it was too late, but I never forgot those pants. Every once in awhile I would take it to eBay and do a search that resulted in, well, nary a sequined pant.

And then last fall rolled around and Isabel rained down with her sequins during which time

I almost poked my own eyes out for having dropped the ball.

image via Corks and Caftans

which if you're not reading you're seriously robbing yourself.

Aaaand of course in winter Carey appeared wearing the gold version I had lamented over, though likely would never have had the nuts to wear. Yes I just said nuts. I bawled softly into a kleenex while kicking myself yet again.

And then it happened. A few weeks ago I was perusing Hautelook (which I rarely ever do uh, hel-lo SIGN!) and spotted a Siwy sale on the horizon. Silently I whispered, 'If those friggin' pants are there they are mine.' Cut to scene and there I was, clicker finger at the ready, 8am PST the following day. I open the sale, I see the pants, I scream out loud and purchase the mothers!!! Admittedly, a bit of angst remained. Would they live up to my long-awaited expectations? Did I really need them after all? (seriously I have no idea what is wrong with me). Well they arrived and all I have to say is hell yes!

*Due to copious amounts of work you may notice I have not had an outfit post or consistent posts of any sort in weeks. My bad on that front and we're doing what we can to rectify, but as you well know love don't pay the bills.*

In the meantime examine the evidence:

In parting I leave you with the words of Winston Churchill and the kid on Martian Child:

"Never ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever give up."

Gluten-Free Snickerdoodles

2011-11-30T00:20:00.000-08:00

I've been lunging around the house for the past week anticipating the arrival of a pair of sequined skinny pants purchased in a spur of the moment click of the mouse. It would only figure that during this time Danielle and I got to chatting about Udi's gluten-free snickerdoodles and this led to the cheapskate in me (uh, $7 for a little package of cookies = not happening) lunging into the kitchen to see if mastering a version of these cookies could be a possibility. In a word: victory!

After searching the internets, I discovered this raved about recipe on Smitten Kitchen. The only substitution was a one-for-one of my favorite gluten-free flour blend (listed below) in place of the regular flour and ta-da. Truth be told there was a bit of trepidation taking on this recipe because any cookie or cake of a pale variety in the gluten-free world can be tricksy (Lord of the Rings residue after marathoning all weekend), but this went off without a hitch. Examine the evidence:

Chill the dough for at least an hour to make sure it can be rolled into little balls and then dipped

in a sugar/cinnamon combo before being placed on a cookie sheet.

I line my cookie sheets with parchment paper because, well, I'm a freak that values

my Williams-Sonoma cookie sheets and doesn't want them scratched up. Confession.

They cracked on top and were cake-like in the middle just like the recipe made with

regular wheat flour. I love it when these things work out.

Here is the gluten-free flour blend so you don't have to click back:

Gluten-free Flour Blend
*I use this blend in place of regular flour in a one by one substitution for cookies, pancakes - you name it. This will make a large batch of the Flour Blend that can also be stored and used for future.*

1C        Brown Rice Flour
1 1/4C White Rice Flour
1/4C     Potato Starch Flour
2/3C     Tapioca Starch Flour
3/4C     Sweet Rice Flour
1/3C     Corn Starch
2tsp      Xanthan or Guar Gum

And now I must get back to lunging and squatting away seeing as the pants arrived this afternoon and it is officially time for Operation Sequin Skinny Pants. Please enjoy the cookies and have one for me...I managed to eat approximately 20 of them over the span of 3 days before releasing the remainder to the Chef. They're that good. If you try them let me know how they work out--would love to hear what you think!

The Ultimate Escape

2011-11-28T01:13:00.000-08:00

This weekend may have gone down as a massive fail on the blogger front due to approximately zero photos taken, unless you count the instagram of the pumpkin pie sliders taken in the wee hours Sunday morning, but in every other way it was a total win. We hauled it to Laguna on Thanksgiving for dinner at the Chef's uncle's place where we listened to crazy stories, ate and drank... until I had to get cut off after spilling water all over the table upon hearing how the uncle used to work at a burger joint in his teens where they snotted in the burgers of particularly rude customers. The next time you hear a burger employee holler, 'we need a SPECIAL' I highly recommend you immediately vacate the building and find another establishment.

I purchased zipola on Black Friday (victory!) and didn't even get out of bed until 5pm as a result of sleeping, Felicity marathon, Lord of the Rings extravaganza and more sleeping. Did you hear about the mayhem that ensued at a Walmart here in SoCal? Some lunatic woman pepper sprayed herself a path to the Xboxes leaving 20 sets of burning eyes in her wake. Really lady? Really?? And people wonder why I refuse to leave the house. There's something about Black Friday that has become so distasteful. People camping out 5 days in advance, stampeding each other for crap they don't need and consuming en masse. It's kind of gross.

The rest of the weekend went by in a blur of Elf, more Felicity, visits with friends, a closet purge and lazing about on the couch for hours on end. Somewhere in there I finally managed to leave the house for margaritas and a mini dance-off, but that was it. Yesterday when tossing out the Bed Bath and Beyond catalog I noticed something I might actually feel like buying:

If I had a Wii this inflatable car might be set up in my living room right now.

Given the hysteria taking place in stores over the next 30 days, however, I will be remaining at home in a mace-free zone, eyeballs and hair safely in my head.

Hope you had a great Thanksgiving!

Did you take your life into your own hands on Black Friday? I want the mad details.

This or That: Fisherman Knits

2011-11-23T01:03:00.000-08:00

I'm in the market to update my closet with a couple of sweaters for winter, and have

always been a fan of this style. Isabel Marant's version is a real beauty, but at a whopping

(at least for my budget) $775 there's basically no chance of that mother landing in my

closet anytime soon. The other day I was out shopping when Alexa Chung's version caught my eye.

It looks pretty close, is cut to hit just at the hip and has a bit of a shrunken fit like so many of

the cable knits that are out now. I do believe that was a rhyme. I scooped up Alexa's version and think

it'll be cute with shorts and tights or denim and boots.

What do you think? Go big or go home?

ps-Madewell has up to 30% off online starting today!

Twilight Breaking Dawn: Innocence is Dead

2011-11-21T00:10:00.000-08:00

Remember this Edward and Bella? Well kiss it goodbye.

On Saturday I ventured out to see a matinee of Twilight: Breaking Dawn.

And yes I am admitting it despite being moderately horrified.

I've never read the books and only caught the other movies when they hit HBO, but

found them pretty entertaining despite the cheese factor. Okay because of the cheese factor.

That being said I was completely caught off guard when Edward decided to chew

the baby out of Bella's womb during childbirth. I'll give you a moment to let that sink in.

I mean I get that it was a super strength baby and all, but really??

It's been 36 hours since the movie ended and I'm still jacked up.

Did you catch it this weekend? Thoughts?

And what on earth with the blood shakes? Gagging.

Man-ize Your Pad

2011-11-17T15:29:00.000-08:00

Yesterday I was perusing Gilt Group (read: screwing around during a conference call) when

I saw this picture out of the corner of my eye. Steve McQueen. Sitting there

all nonchalant, talking on the telephone, cat head calling out to the cat ladies.

As a cat lover (yes I just used the word cat 3x in close proximity) I'm slightly

mortified by the skin on the floor, but the overall vibe of the room is pretty spectacular.

This photo was used as an example of how to incorporate masculine elements into your space.

Note to self: back to scouring flea markets.

ps-I recently read that McQueen was supposed to be at the Polanski/Tate residence

on the night Manson and his crazies committed that mass murder. What a mix of emotions

he must have went through upon learning of the deaths of his friends. Life is crazy.

When All Else Fails Just Wear His Shirt

2011-11-16T00:15:00.000-08:00

It's Tuesday night and I'm sitting here wrapped in a blanket listening to the new downstairs neighbors hammer and drill away at the walls at, oh, 10pm. I just can't win. Irony struck once again today when I hauled out the vacuum to get my clean on thinking I'd be all productive when, apparently, it blew out the pilot light on the heater. California: home of the annoying wall heater. This is the price you pay if you want to live in a place that has character and doesn't resemble a human filing cabinet.

Note to self: stock up on sweaters and blankets. Or just stay away from the vacuum?

Why am I not lighting the pilot myself, you ask? Let's just say I could write a series of short stories on negative experiences with gas (and not the kind that comes from eating beans). Suffice it to say I once witnessed a man from the gas company come flying out of the floor unit with his pant legs in flames after hearing a very loud bang. Imagine me beating a stranger with a tea towel. True story. Shortly thereafter I discovered 18 months of lethargy was due to a lit-tle carbon monoxide drip that had slowly been killing me. One of many I've got in my pocket, friends.

How did I get off on this rabbit trail? Can't remember and now have zero segue into an outfit. Well I do have a coat on, so let's go with that.

On Sunday I hauled out a Mike & Chris (now defunct) leather hoodie I picked up a few years ago on HauteLook. Prepare for screams from fashion diehards as I confess it's worn primarily with sweats and a t-shirt. Another true story. It's a uniform I can't live without: James Perse sweats pulled up to the knee + one of his t's + the hoodie + flip flops = grocery store, post office, Home Goods, bank errands. We keep it real over here at the bird. This means we tell the truth about what we're really wearing daily. And by we I mean me. *loses it*

For Sunday dinner I managed to amp it up (insert sarcasm) with Current/Elliott denim leggings, one of the Chef's t-shirts and my faithful Joie military boots. You will note that Sunday's lid resembled a rat's nest. All I could think about was getting to the Mexican place for margaritas. My bad.

The whole purpose behind this thing was to say I've basically swiped this t-shirt from the Chef. After pouring over the closet looking for a shirt I looked down and decided to just wear what I had on which, coincidentally, may or may not have been what I wore to bed the night before? Can't quite recall, but it would help in carrying on with my whole pajama theme. HAHAHA!!

ps--if you like the hoodie here's one the former CEO of Mike & Chris has out now. They're really great jackets.

Gotta jet! Chelsea Settles is on! New addiction.

Weekend Blur

2011-11-14T00:53:00.000-08:00

Saturday found us in a mess of wind, rain and slow a** drivers as a storm rolled

through Southern California. We had to meet the designers at the restaurant

rather early (read: before noon which is like 6am to me--sad but true), so I rolled out

of bed and tossed on a grandpa sweater, a pair of jeans and some trusty boots.

Why did I ever leave Seattle again?

Sample of one of the presentation boards they put together for us.

After watching this stuff on tv for so many years it's been fun and interesting to watch

these people work their magic to come up with the coolest ideas.

What we have is a bare demo'd room at present, so we're pretty excited to see how it

all comes together. I'll share pictures when it's all finished!

On a random note: I passed out on the couch pretty early on Friday night only to awake to

this hot mess staring me in the face around 3am.

Do the words 'stay out of the water' mean nothing anymore??!?

Disney's Oceans was on and, as someone who is a member of the JAWS generation,

the shark parts hit just a lit-tle too close to home. Dry land people. Dry land!!

Needless to say I sat there riveted for the last half of the movie.

Think deer in the headlights.

You'll notice Instagram has once again dominated the Saturday activities. Perhaps I'll pull it together enough to locate my real camera at some point this week. Niiiiiiiice. Blame it on all the naps I needed to take and movies I needed to watch this weekend. Ha! What were you up to?

Cut a Rug

2011-11-11T13:28:00.000-08:00

Last night after the restaurant closed The Chef and I got into a little dance-off.

I'm not exactly sure who won, but I may or may not have pulled out a few of these moves.

Every once in awhile you just need to throw caution to the wind and arrive home to the sprinklers going off

and the neighbors getting up for work.

I'll Buy What I Want Thanks. And I'll Wear It, Too.

2011-11-10T00:15:00.000-08:00

Cat's in the corner having a snore and I'm trying to pick what to write. I'm exhausted. We're all exhausted. It's Thursday. Yawwwwwn.

On a bright note I managed to make it outside yesterday and even combed my hair. Sticking to my apparel conviction of soft, cozy clothes in warm colors I threw on a slip dress. layered a cashmere thermal over top and finished with a military jacket. I'll never forget buying this jacket at J.Crew in Santa Monica. The sales guy tried pretty hard to talk me out of it: it's too big, he said, you're drowwwwning in it. This was a few years ago before military really made a significant comeback, and I wasn't listening to anything he had to say. Dude, you're wearing tighter pants than I ever have. Issues. Anyway it's one of those purchases I've never regretted and has saved me from multiple 'I don't have anything to wear' moments, making it worth its weight in gold.

Confession: I've added a few more lounge pieces to my closet as of late (ahem slip dress) and have been wearing them layered in the outdoors. Yep you read it here first: I'm cavorting about in things that are technically pj's. No one is any the wiser and I get more than a few compliments. The way I see it as long as I'm not going to the store in footie pajamas I think we'll all survive.

~Outfit: J.Crew-Military Jacket, James Perse-Cotton/Cashmere Thermal,

Slip Dress-Pure & Good, Loeffler Randall-Boots, Anthropologie-Sunglasses~

Bracelets: Motif 56 (here and here), PANYC (similar), and Rosa Loves DC Turquoise Friendship

Ring: Melinda Maria

Necklace: PANYC

Like that last one? Imagine someone doing the basketball shuffle all around you while you're trying to walk. That's the Chef! He totally gets into the picture thing: lays on the ground, runs around behind trees, cars, garbage cans--you name it, and then when it's all over starts a super crazy shuffle for one last one. It's freaking hysterical!!

PS-is anyone else watching Chelsea Settles on MTV? So good! Maybe you can catch up this weekend while you're hanging off the couch. There I go projecting again.

Not Really a DIY, But as Close As I'm Going to Get

2011-11-08T18:39:00.000-08:00

Late day post today, friends. Remember last week when I posted those inspiration pics on how I'm hoping to cozy up my place a little? (see here). Well I realized that the common denominators in those pictures were the color white and fuzzy rugs. White is my favorite for interiors. White and wood and leather. It's a sickness.

Anyway. As a result of being a primo customer at Martin+Osa I was able to purchase a pair of custom leather chairs when they closed. See exhibit Before. I love these babies. As a denim aficionado the adjustable arms remind me of belts and are particularly dear to me. They've even retained remnants of that wonderful M+O store smell. Sigh. Oh Martin+Osa: how I miss you. Back to the matter at hand. On Saturday I decided to take my life in my own hands aka go to Ikea in the middle of the afternoon (damn fool) to scoop up a few more sheepskin rugs. At the time I did not know I would be flinging them haphazardly over one of my leather chairs, but ta-da! Gotta say I'm pretty happy with the outcome. In fact giddy may be a fair description of how I feel when walking by the guest bedroom and peeking in.

Why the guest bedroom you ask? I can't say for sure, but there is something 'official' about that room. It gets the warmest afternoon light and is the perfect place to cuddle up and read a book--and the chair just compounds that feeling. You'll notice I've not shown the rest of the room? That's because Operation: Bedding, Draperies and Floor Covering are still underway. Wish me luck!

Note: It's been some time since I perused an Ikea on a Saturday afternoon. If you are like me I have a piece of advice. SELF CHECK-OUT. All the other inconsiderate patrons wait in the standard check-out lines while their ignorant family members shop it up and then JUST as you're about to be the next person in line you'll notice their cell phones light up. Suddenly it's like a swarm of bees as all the family members come flying out of nowhere and there are now 14 people in front of you instead of just the nice granny and her daughter who were posing as one transaction. True story. Did not have a happy ending for the Ikea checker either. The End.

Adding Time

2011-11-07T00:30:00.000-08:00

Yesterday I found myself wishing that we could add an hour to our day everyday. Then I realized that would likely mean another hour of work each day and quickly nixed the idea, but it was fun while it lasted. Sunday morning we awoke to a steady rain and chilly temperatures. Pardon me while I sink back under the covers after racing down the hall to start the kettle for morning tea. The Chef had a leisurely surprise date day planned for us and all I had to do was decide what to wear. Good thing I made that plan last week, right? HA!

After a light snack we set out for LA to take in a lengthy brunch at one of our old fave spots. Why is it that afternoon cocktails taste particularly divine on the weekend? And why do you suppose it is that time seems to move so much more quickly when you're doing just what you'd like to? Things to ponder now that Monday is upon us yet again. Oh to be mid-afternoon yesterday...the work week still in the distance, crisp breeze in my hair, warm movie theatre calling our names.

Rainy morning gave way to clear skies by early afternoon.

Short lived.

Perfect weather for lounging the day away over a menu of favorites.

Closed out the day with warm rays in the cool air.

It's officially sweater weather!

Last night we caught Martha Marcy May Marlene starring Elizabeth Olsen (Mary Kate and Ashley's sister in case you're unaware). All I can say is: mind-bender. I don't want to give it away, but highly recommend that you see it if you haven't already. It's an intense story and the acting is really good. I left the theatre feeling disturbed, somewhat bewildered and with wheels turning. Perfect movie if you're in the mood for something a little darker.

Confession: My workload is super demanding right now and it's tough for me to blog daily + work 10+ hours + find some sort of balance so if you're still reading along I appreciate you hanging in there with me. If I don't return comments daily it's not because I don't care, and wanted to be sure to mention that. I am still visiting your blogs, but can't always comment as often as I'd like. Being a grown-up is not all it's cracked up to be...bills. Argh.

The Winds are Blowing

2011-11-03T00:56:00.000-07:00

I've decided to basically wave the bird to most of the 80's and 90's fashions littering up stores at present. Not all, but most. You know I've been going off about what's available, or shall I say unavailable, for awhile and I'm pretty much over myself and my inability to get motivated to get dressed. I mean let's face it: sweats and a t-shirt can only last so long, even for me (totally lying to myself). One day last week I saw a pile of clothes lying on my bed--all soft tones--and it donned on me: just wear what you want already. Quit your friggin' whining and make a plan. So here's the beginning of my plan: soft fabrics in warm colors, loungy dresses, cushy sweaters, mixed with denim and boots. That's all I've got so far, but at least I'm no longer in my pj's staring into the closet in a trance.

This weekend I did some window shopping and hit a few jackpots, one in particular at Madewell (I go through phases where I seriously love everything in that store). Very rarely is there ever a dress left in my size once sale hits, but this time I was in luck. Eventually I'll get to wear it with the scarf and some otk striggings, but this time the scarf only made it through the pictures before the 80 degree weather sent it flying into the back of the car as we sped off. I can't complain too much -- it'll be cold all winter so might as well enjoy it while it lasts!

Exhibit A: le scarf.

Exhibit B: the fall outfit complete with scarf.

Boots--rediscovered during a closet dive last year. Sometimes it pays to hang onto things.

Sans scarf displaying one of my fave Melinda Maria necklaces (here in gold).

~Details: J.Crew-Denim Jacket, Madewell-Dress, Cordani-Boots, Tolani-Scarf~

Updating Your Space

2011-11-02T00:15:00.000-07:00

I spend an inordinate amount of time at home because I work here, and that makes things tough on a lot of different levels. For instance it's Wednesday and I will not leave the house yet again today due to insane workload. Even though I may be confined to my office, I still like to emerge at end of day and feel refreshed. That can be difficult when I'm still in the same space, in the same sweats I may or may not have rolled out of bed in in the morning, with the same tossed up lid.

Often this really is the case, so I've made some adjustments recently to help break up my day a little. For instance I've adopted a work wardrobe for around the house that is not entirely sweats, I take tea breaks in the morning and afternoon where I at least sit on the deck for 10 or 15 minutes, and am now considering how to make a few changes/additions/furniture moves around the house to help keep it fresh.

These peaceful rooms are right up my alley. Here's hoping I can figure out a way to incorporate their vibe into my place. I could really use some ommmmmmmm in my life right about now.

Might be able to work all day and night in this space.

But if not, would be happy to retire in a bedroom like this one. sigh

Fluff. White fluff. My favorite.

How do you give your living spaces simple updates to keep them fresh and comfy? Thoughts especially welcome due to brain drain on the work front.

Haiku Winner!

2011-11-01T20:28:00.000-07:00

Sorry this post is so late in the day...STILL at work, but wanted to give you the 411 on the Haiku book.

Our winner is Allison Kennedy.

It seems the stars aligned given the date she described in her comment.

Allison, I'll send you an email to get your address.

May the book light your way...haha! Congrats!

Let it Hang

2011-10-31T00:26:00.000-07:00

Saturday afternoon, while everyone in the east was experiencing a snowstorm, here in Southern California we got 80 degrees. Is it so wrong to want to dress seasonally appropriate? Apparently so.

After tossing clothes all around my room in a frenzy (think tornado) of 'wanna wear a sweater, too hot, how about jeans, tired of jeans, do we need to turn on the a/c?, where's that blazer, can't find my shorts, rinse and repeat' I emerged rather frazzled in something completely man repeller-ish. Readying myself for the inevitable wind tunnel of guffaws, I threw on my never fail orange sunglasses (best $5 I've ever spent thanks H&M) and strolled down the hallway trying to be all casual aka hiding behind the shades. You know that maneuver.

"Okay I'm ready," she says. *Grabs handbag and makes a point of not making eye contact*

"We're getting a picture of that, right?" he says looking up.

"Funny funny ha ha let's get outta here," she responds with an eye roll.

"No for real you have to get this one. They're gonna love it. It's all in the crotch," he says chuckling.

Waiting for the other shoe to drop I roll down to the car waiting for some comment about Depends Undergarments, but nary a one was uttered. I do believe this blog has worn off on the Chef. He's come to accept me wearing crotch droopers in public. What is going on in the land?

Go big or go home: fearlessly stand where cars can drive by and mock your pants.

No fear.

Close-up.

It's October. I wore open-toe sandals. Whatever with it already.

This one's for the Repeller.

Somewhere out there she's bent into some pose wearing a sh*tload of clothes I can't afford.

At least not all in one swoop. Carry on Repeller, carry on.

I would just like the record to show I perfected this look in the 8th grade. Yes friends, you read that right. On the first day of 8th grade I wore a pair of black what we referred to as 'parachute pants', a cream colored tencel military vest with a heather grey t-shirt beneath, and a pair of leather lace-up oxfords. Not much has changed in *cough* 20 years. Does someone have pills? I'm feeling lightheaded thinking about my age.

As an aside I spent Saturday afternoon wedding attire shopping for a friend. During this time I was stopped at least 5x by random strangers who profusely complimented this outfit. One particularly stylish lad actually said to me, 'You are so Alexander Wang right now it is killing me.'

Who knew a tornado could produce such results? Perhaps I need to throw things around more often.

~Outfit details: Splendid-pants, Anthropologie-Poncho, Gap-Tank, Swedish Hasbeens-Peep Toes, H&M-Sunglasses~

Haiku for the Single Girl - Giveaway

2011-10-28T01:02:00.000-07:00

Girls it's Friday. Let's tear this mother down! You know, have two days of guilt-free naps...yawwwwn.

I thought today would be the perfect day to kick-off a giveaway for one of the funniest books I've ever read. About a month ago a rep at Penguin contacted me about Beth Griffenhagen's book Haiku for the Single Girl. I usually glaze over those PR emails, but this one caught my eye.

I mean just look at it: you know it's going to be brilliant, right??

I spent more than a few years as a single person, and a few more than that dating duds. After awhile you become accustomed to random people in your life offering up advice on how to land 'the one'. What they don't understand is that there are only 3 good ones left out there. Period. And sometimes you just aren't in the mood to bother. Okay?? *sorry flashback*

Anyway, I busted up laughing at Beth's description of how the book was born. She was returning home after a girls night out in NYC, and on her way to the train stopped to grab a bag of Cheetos. Before she knew it half the bag was gone, her hands were covered in Cheeto dust, and she had nowhere to wipe them so just dusted them off on her bag. In a moment of cocktail induced hilarity the following Haiku came to mind:

Mmmmkay? Like I said, brilliant.

The book is filled to the brim with the most hilarious haikus that are totally on singledom point. Whether you're single now or just remember the days, you'll totally get a kick out of the book and want to split sides over it with a friend.

I have one copy to give away and here's how to enter:
1. Just leave a comment with your email so I know where to reach you if you win.
2. For extra entries you can a. tweet about the giveaway and/or b. write a haiku and leave it in the comments.
3. Leave a separate comment for each entry.
4. Winner announced on Tuesday, October 1, 2011.

Please leave haikus! Don't be shy. Here's mine (totally not dating related, but cat lady so it still counts):

Cats gallop wildly

Twisting turning through the halls

Things are looking up

Only the single woman can truly understand the companionship of the cat species...and the value of an evening spent on the couch surrounded by bags of chips, chocolate bars and Felicity episodes. Some habits never die no matter what your relationship status...Have a great weekend everyone!

All Good Things

2011-10-26T19:10:00.000-07:00

Today managed to whip by so fast I didn't even have a chance to check in and examine your thoughts on Once Upon a Time. How dare work do that? hehe Spill! Do you love? Did you watch yet? Yes, I've got an issue with this show. Here's hoping episode two doesn't disappoint.

Quick update: I did Pilates for the first time last night in, oh, two months. Anyone who thinks one workout can't make you scream in pain, well, I don't think they've tried a Pilates workout. Could barely haul it out of bed this morning. Horrified by my own lethargy, I still managed to consume Ghirardelli pumpkin spice caramel squares. I guess this is what they call weaning oneself off? Or something...

One of my clients is having their IT department configure my email from a remote location so that I can send emails from my personal account on their system (uh did that even make sense?). I don't understand technology all that well--this is likely clear to you given the non-changing appearance of my blog. Anyway, throughout the day I would periodically have to step away from my computer while the cursor zipped around all over the screen and I imagined the IT guy pilfering my bank account information. Alarmist in the house. To occupy myself during these times I would take on random tasks like: load of laundry into the washing machine, cuppa tea break, hey the cat's in the closet!, trying on my new cowboy boots, squishing a spider with my cowboy boots, and taking mad instagrams of my new yoga cat.

These are the days of my life:

Ommmmmmmm

Inspiration for a wardrobe overhaul found in a pile of stuff on my bed.

To be continued...

Freebie just because I love this one!

New Lane boots c/o Langston's giveaway win...boho dream.

Can't wait to wear 'em with something fringy.

Cat in the closet. Cover's blown.

Finding him in there sent me into a fit of giggles!

Is it Sunday yet? Is Once Upon a Time on yet? I have to run out to meet the Chef tonight, but when we get home we're watching it again. Yep yep fairytales can come true, it can happen to you....cheeseball and don't even care. Friday's almost here.

Welcome to Storybrooke, Maine

2011-10-25T20:22:00.000-07:00

So many little blurby posts I'd like to spill out all in a day. I'll start with this one and let the trailer do the talking. Did you guys happen to catch Once Upon A Time Sunday night on ABC? Um, it's off the hook!!

I'm a fairy tale junkie--grew up on them and they still hold a special place in my heart--this show incorporates a magical fairy tale element to it without being wishy washy or childish. It's also kind of dark which I particularly loved. Wasn't sure how I'd feel about Ginnifer Goodwin, but have managed to get visions of Margene out of my head (seriously still haven't recovered from the loss of Big Love). Last night was dedicated entirely to catching up on the DVR--laundry be damned--and I found myself wanting to watch Once Upon a Time all over again as soon as it was finished. Truth be told it was like that good book you dread completing so drag out as the pages draw closer and closer to the end.

If you have no idea what I'm talking about check the trailer here and then go catch the episode on the internet or OnDemand. We need to discuss the brilliance!! Giddy

Tower this is Ghost Rider Requesting a Flyby

2011-10-24T00:28:00.000-07:00

Do you ever have moments where you feel caught between the past, present and future? Lately I'm stuck in the vortex, pulled in all three directions, emotionally exhausted.

Am I doing all I should be?
Have I done all I could?
Is what I'm doing enough to be able to do all I want later?
Wish I had made a different choice. (new territory for me)
Maybe if I had I would be doing more of what I want now...

It can be a torturous thing this thinking thinking thinking. It's necessary though. I mean if you're not contemplating your life one day you'll wake up wondering how you got there. And what if you don't like it?

Oh hell this is really turning into a melancholy one, isn't it?

Blame it on Monday, overcast skies, lack of sleep. When in Rome.

I managed to haul it out mid-afternoon yesterday. Just in time to catch 15 minutes of sunshine amidst what's turned out to be a full week of foggy days. No complaining here. Tossed on the usual jeans, boots, jacket and t--and then slung my Low Luv Thunderbird necklace on at the last second.

Chef took a few pictures before we hopped in the car and when he passed the camera over we had the quietest exchange. Me: 'Something about this is very Goose and Maverick. Man look at my hair. I need a comb.' Him: 'Your hair has never looked better.' Tell me sweet little lies. More 80's flashbacks.

Tossed up hair, J.Crew Jacket, James Perse Tunic, Martin+Osa Jeans, Mike&Chris Boots, Anthro Sunglasses

Low Luv x Erin Wasson Necklace, Seventh Door Bracelet, Melinda Maria Silver Ring

Worn sparingly. Company now defunct.

Um, as I was saying...bird + military green + aviators.

Mind like a steel trap.

Mmmmmmmmmuffins

2011-10-20T18:50:00.000-07:00

The other day I was over at Whoorl when they hit me between the eyes: Banana Chocolate Chip Muffins.

Somewhere along the line I think I've done a version of this recipe (pumpkin choc chip? anyone remember?), but Sarah's looked better. Add the work stress combined with procrastination and suddenly I heard them whispering to me 'try those muffinsssss you'll like 'em!' So there I was at 12:30 this morning when it hits me: I need those muffins. Forget going to bed.

Cut to scene and I'm thawing butter (coincidentally her recipe did not call for butter, but butter rules in my world so I just,well, you get the point), rifling through the cupboards and hoping against all for enough baking soda and gluten-free flour mix. Thankfully everything was in the pantry and I whipped off a batch of these just before crawling into bed with fingers crossed that they'd retain their height come morning. Sometimes gluten-free cakes, uh, not so much.

All I have to say is: wow. These things are hazardous. Gluten-free or not, these muffins are di-vine. Just enough crumble, not too sweet and the perfect size. Around noon I had to hide them or they were at risk of becoming endangered. You guys. Try them. So easy and so good. Wave buh-bye to cereal. They'll only last a day anyway. She sprinkled chocolate chips on hers....lethal!

Slipshod image taken at the urging of Nicole aka bad influence who strongly encourages hooky

to partake in muffin baking and consumption. Do you feel like you're in a forest having tea and muffin?

Ingredients

1 3/4 cups all-purpose flour or gluten-free blend (listed here)
1/4 cup brown sugar
1/2 cup white sugar
1 teaspoon baking powder
1 teaspoon baking soda
1/2 teaspoon salt
1 egg
1/2 cup butter
1/2 cup milk
1 teaspoon vanilla extract
1 cup mashed ripe bananas
3/4 cup semisweet chocolate chips

Directions

In a large bowl, combine the flour, sugar, baking powder, baking soda and salt. In another bowl, combine the egg, oil, yogurt and vanilla. Stir into dry ingredients just until moistened. Fold in bananas and chocolate chips. Fill greased or paper-lined muffin cups two-thirds full. Bake at 350 degrees F for 22-25 minutes or until a toothpick comes out clean. Cool for 5 minutes before removing from pans to wire racks.

Recipe source here and I adjusted to gluten-free flour, butter vs. oil, milk vs. yogurt and added brown sugar to reduce white sugar.

Oh. And this is how I feel after this week:

Is it over yet? It's almost 7pm and I'm still working with no end in sight. Happy for the work though!

Lights Flicker, Closet's Empty

2011-10-19T00:01:00.000-07:00

That's exactly how I feel. Work all day, into the evening (whiner at 6 o'clock), light candles to close the day, try to find something on tv, pass out in front of the tv, get up and go to bed. Rinse (including a shower) and repeat. Right now I'm super glad I work at home because when I think of my closet I feel like slipping into a coma. All that calls out is most of my jeans and approximately 5 tops. That's it. Oh, did I mention most of them are only fit for either the heat of summer or the dead of winter? Nothing in between. Yeah, that's effective.

So the other day we're going out for brunch and I sat like this for half an hour in front of the closet, staring into the abyss completely unmotivated, contemplating something to wear. Buzzkill.

Go-to Current/Elliott jeans, James Perse sweatshirt dress, cowboy belt, some striped cashmere sweater there's no way in hell I could wear in 78 degrees and, of course, my happy place: socks.

And as you see I fell back on my usual--jeans, grey, suede and fringe. Look at the last

three posts. It's like some kind of subliminal dress code. Safety blanket minus the socks.

That look on my face is the, 'Huh? What'd you say?'

I'll be honest: even though my pants might bring out the Fashion Police at least I didn't fall prey

to trend and put on some sort of 80's atrocity. Is it over yet?

I really can't take anymore whack mixtures

of prints, sequins, oversized cuckoo sweaters and a pair of bedroom slippers all in one outfit.

(even though I could embrace the sequins, slippers and sweaters separately)

Instead I'll just stick to my James Perse t's, cowboy belt and jeans.

It's safer for all of us.

And fringe. As long as there's fringe somewhere I can find something to wear with it.

Conclusion: 80's trend (yep I'm still b*tching about it) + warm fall weather in SoCal = no can do.

Instead I revert to jeans, t-shirts and a soft pink dress. Not necessarily at the same time. Yawwwn.
And I only just bought the dress yesterday afternoon so it should get here just in time for it to be too cold to wear it. Sounds about right.

Right now I envision a velvet blazer + denim shorts + booties. Make that a soft peach velvet blazer...that J.Crew made two years ago. Send reinforcements.

Fogged In

2011-10-18T01:14:00.000-07:00

So yesterday I played hooky (hence MIA status here) and did my part in catsitting while the Chef's parents are out of town. Conclusion: Mondays spent doing approximately nothing are even better than weekends. The only thing that could have made it sweeter was if Sonic delivered a couple of Chicago dogs as I sat wrapped in blankets surrounded by cats while soupy fog swirled around outside.

A girl can dream.

When I left in late afternoon (still too lazy to drive to Sonic) I pulled over to grab a couple pictures of the socked in harbor. As I stood there looking out it didn't even remotely feel like Orange County, but more like wherever it is that Kevin Costner's character lived in Message In A Bottle. Am I the only one who's seen that movie about, oh, 10 times? Sap in the house.

Anyway: examine the foggy evidence. It was glorious. And I think the OC could use a few more days like this to slow things down a little. Like I said, a girl can dream.

Normally you can see straight across the water.

Instagram rules.

Where that fog is? Uh, on a clear day there is an unobstructed view of the Pacific Ocean.

Clearly I was a bit taken with the fog. Crazy old fave scary movie, too, btw.

Closer to my house the sun managed to peek out for a bit.

*Crosses fingers for more fog tomorrow*

Oh and p.s. on the lion tamer front:

Victory!!

Hope you had a great weekend.

I wish today was Friday.

I need a nap.

Scenes on the Side

2011-10-13T00:17:00.000-07:00

Oftentimes I find myself thinking of alternate names for the blog. Yesterday I came up with 'Me and my Jean Jackets'. I love a jean jacket. I have 5 or 6 of them. A couple denim vests too. It's a sickness that I blame entirely on my years working for the Gap. If I'm not in jeans, I'm carrying or wearing a denim jacket. Safety blanket, I guess.

Anyway so we're out wandering about the other day during Adventures in Catsitting and it hits me: I look like a cowboy. Well a cowboy that's thinking about defecting to the other side (not that side. the indians side...is it pc to say indians anymore?) to partake in the fringe boot action. So I mention to the Chef who proceeds to collapse in half laughing. 'It's the look on your face,' he says 'you're dead serious.' I'm all 'I do look like a cowboy, don't I?!?' Of course he reassures me I don't, but secretly I kind of don't even care if I do. That's what lazy days are for: tossed up hair, disheveled outfits, fringe boots and cowboy attire. Whatevs. You only live once. Go fringe-y cowboy or go home.

I was scanning through the pictures the other day busting up at the goodies he captured. I can't wait for the weekend: home of the no comb zone. Bring it.

I have no idea. All I want to know is where was the jean jacket.

Look out for that kid: he wants his two dollars!

(please tell me you've seen better off dead)

I might need two pairs. These are going to go down in the Fringe Files Hall of Fame.

Beam me up

I miss my long bangs. Grow hair grow.

Lost at Sea

2011-10-12T00:12:00.000-07:00

That's how I feel on the wardrobe front. Half the time I feel like that about the overall state of my life. I mean do you ever really know what you're supposed to be doing with your life? Another post for another day, I guess.

Anyway. I've been going through my clothes and trying to come up with some sort of plan for Fall/Winter. It's not been that successful. Wardrobe schizophrenia has struck and the conclusion is as follows: I can't find anything I'm interested in adding to my existing closet (even though I'm a little bored most of my stuff except the fringe) because everything in-store reminds me of the 80's. I lived through the 80's. I lived it to the fullest: neon, lace, jeggings, crotch-drooping pants, military vests, moto jackets, oversized sweaters, shaker knit. Only when it was over did I realize the scar that was left behind. Clearly all wounds don't heal because I'm still tossed up (only the mad love for military boots remains). And then came the 90's. Still had more military boots than the closet could contain. Oxfords? Another left over guilty pleasure from the 80's.

What are my options? Still trying to figure that out. Yesterday I attacked a stack of mail and uncovered the October Free People catalogue. Pretty sure I couldn't wear any of it for work, but there's something about bag lady chic that's always called out to me. Bag lady it is.

Like the motto on this one.

Might even bring back my Kurt Cobain stage and wear the plaid.

But everything else is a win for sure.

Love this entire idea.

Not sure I'd wanna work those boots, but a similar substitute and ta-da.

I don't want what everyone else has either. Just the jacket.

Long sweater dress. Food for thought.

Sans rainbow boots for me, but they are cute on her.

I don't know. There's a part of me that's still back in the September catalogue

where I found this one. The dress is wonderful and would be

superb with a chunky grey sweater over top, no?

Anyone else in 80's denial?

*images via Free People*

Winner of the Dessert Plates Is...

2011-10-11T00:13:00.000-07:00

image via we heart it

Josie from with a wink and a smile!

Congrats Josie--please send me an email with your mailing address and I will

get these shipped out right away. Yippee!!

And thanks to everyone who entered. I will be announcing the winner of the Facebook

Ghirardelli giveaway later today.

*winner selected via random number generator*

Lion Tamer

2011-10-10T00:17:00.000-07:00

Fringe, mane, cats. All of these things belong here. (as opposed to one of these things just doesn't belong here)

About a month ago, the Chef's mom opened her garage and two Abyssinian kittens strolled in. Well actually one darted straight into the house and the other followed soon after. She hollered to the Chef as she pulled away, 'A cat's in the house. Keep an eye out for it.'

You know the best part of the story? This is totally normal dialogue in their world because these are cat people. They don't question or freak out when cats find them, they just accept them into the fold. The past few cats their family has had all either rolled up to their house or his dad's office and never left. It's in the DNA of cat people. We're cat seeking devices. I was secretly ecstatic when I met his parents for the first time and saw cat paraphernalia littered throughout the house: cat rug, cat thermometer, cat doorstop, cat figures in the planter outside, iron cat statues on the bookshelf, pillow stating 'The Cat's the Boss in this house'. I made mental notes with glee. All my cats have found me too. Same with my parents. I come from a long line of cat lovers...goes back generations. No jokes. We have the photos.

*Cue 'We are Family'*

His parents are out of town and he's catsitting. This basically means all I did this weekend was play with kittens. Well, one kitten and one cat. The other kitten just stares at me and runs by...but I'll win him over. He sniffed my hand on the way out the door yesterday and just 48 hours ago I won over his brother. Victory is on the horizon, friends. Stay tuned.

It starts like so: locate your subject. In this case hiding on the other side of the chair.

Speak softly. Avoid direct eye contact. No sudden movements.

Pull out the big guns: fringe. This confirms you are of the same kind: cats.

Draw 'em in with a a little jingle jangle.
(Chef's mom keeps tinfoil on her couch to keep cats off...not these two.
Tinfoil = toy as evidenced from random piece strewn here.)

Curiosity takes over!

Moments later: friends for life.
When they start chewing your fingers and let you grab their teeth you're officially in.

Next up: Socks.
One day they're sniffing your hand, the next they're sleeping on your head.
Can't wait.

~Details: Current/Elliott-Shorts, James Perse-Cashmere Sweater (last year), Gap-Camis, Low Luv x Erin Wasson-Necklace, Zara-Boots, Anthropologie-Sunglasses~

P.S. --Happy Thanksgiving to all my Canadian readers!! I hope you guys are having a wonderful day with family, turkey and naps. I've had a bunch of searches for the White Pumpkin
Ganache and Caramel Tart recipe the past few days. If you need dessert here's the recipe.
Please have some for me :)

Giveaway! Dessert Plates

2011-10-07T00:44:00.000-07:00

Seeing as you guys always give mad love to these dessert plates when they're used in posts I tracked a set down and am giving them away to one lucky reader. Woot! My work has hit a supremely busy roll and I've been unable to keep up with reading blogs and returning comments, so wanted you to know how much I appreciate you hanging in there with me (aka not leaving me swinging in the wind like a loner on the playground. open wound).

The giveaway rules will stay the same:

Have to be a follower (click on the right to join if you haven't already)
You can tweet for an extra entry-- my twitter handle is @birdgirlc
The winner will be announced on Tuesday, October 11th.

I'll try to get a better picture of the plates up tomorrow. They've become dear friends and encouragers on my cake eating journey, and I trust they will do the same for you.

In between calls and meetings this week I was able to do more posting on the blog's Facebook page and it was fun to interact with readers on there. If you're haven't 'liked' the page yet consider checking it out...I'm feeling an extra little giveaway coming up over there too. Yahoo weeeeeekend!

Stay Hungry. Stay Foolish.

2011-10-06T02:29:00.000-07:00

I'm a relatively new person to Apple products. I mean I've had an iPod for years, but only started using an iMac early this year and just recently converted to an iPhone. I regret letting my fear of not being able to learn to use a Mac hold me back for so long--it's the best computer I've ever had and, as a result, has caused me to consider Steve Jobs' mind a lot since purchasing. Just like the guy in-store told me, all you need is intuition to use it. On top of that it's just beautiful to look at. We lost a true innovator yesterday.

I wasn't going to say anything about his passing, but then came across Jobs' 2005 Stanford Commencement Address. After watching a couple times and getting a lot of encouragement following a particularly tough day at work, it seemed fitting and timely to share with you. If you haven't already heard his speech I highly recommend finding a quiet spot to take it in. As someone who has taken an unorthodox career path and made more than a few 'road less traveled' life decisions, his words really spoke to and encouraged me. I hope they do the same for you--especially if you're having one of those 'what the hell am I doing with my life?' moments.

Rest in peace, Steve Jobs.

Pizza, Wine, Doing Nothing Much

2011-10-04T19:15:00.000-07:00

Why is it so tough to achieve balance? When things are really busy I adjust to the pace and go, go, go. But when it slows and there's downtime it can be tough to relax and simply be. I'm that person still looking for something to do, and then when it's time to speed back up you'll find me feeling sorry for myself for having not taken advantage of the downtime. The pendulum swings from one extreme to the next and it's something I'm working on changing.

Yesterday the Chef had some free time so we decided to grab lunch at Pizzeria Mozza. It just opened in Newport and the line's usually out the door, but we were in luck and got right in. On the way there I fought feelings of guilt--that I should be doing something. You know I used to have a good grip on this, but with the unpredictability in the economy it's made me feel like downtime is negative time and that's just not true. Suddenly I said to myself, 'You are doing something. You're going for lunch." Seems simple enough, right? *shakes head*

I don't fall off the gluten wagon for much, but this is one of Mario Batali's spots. Suffice it to say it did not disappoint...and I do believe I was once again able to get a handle on the fine art of doing nothing. Just in time to get some work this morning. Figures.

Fried Squash Blossoms with Ricotta.

In a word: d-i-e. They were just incredible!

Wine. Don't have lunch without it.

I'm not much of a wine connoisseur, but the one I tried was great.

And they have a whole wall to choose from.

But the pizza was the motherlode. The crust was perfect.

Perfectly perfect, in fact - if there is such a thing.

We had the Fennel Sausage and Bianca (cheesy goodness).

As I said the other day--it's still hot in Southern Cal. Yesterday was 80 degrees

at noon. Niiiiice. So back on with the shorts, lace blazer and booties.
(And no I don't drive hunched over the wheel despite what this suggests.)

Thankfully I don't get sick of this combo...although it did rain today for a brief stint.

By the time I got my sweater on the sun came out. So goes it!

And yes--I am still living it out on Instagram. Weak sauce or not, it's better than hauling out a camera in a restaurant--the phone was bad enough. Cringe

Simple Saturday

2011-10-03T02:13:00.000-07:00

Sticking with her usual patterns, Mother Nature tossed out something just shy of a scorcher this weekend in Southern California. Yes I realize waxing on about the weather is so blah-de-blah, but guess what? It's bloody fall, bloggers are donning fur and sweaters as we speak, and there is simply no way in the name of perspiring underarms that I'm about to get in on that game. Instead I spent Saturday morning staring blindly into my closet trying to come up with something other than shorts to wear. Refusing to get into an outfit frenzy--you know the ones where half the closet goes flying around the room don't pretend you don't know what I'm talking about--I spotted my favorite shoes, quickly tossed on a pair of jeans and a blouse that's never made it onto the blog. Goal: Don't over think it or it'll be 5pm before you know it.

Upon emerging from the house I was hit with a wave of heat that almost had me spin on my heel and head back inside, but margaritas were calling and there was no time to delay. I managed to grab my camera on the way out the door, but as fate aka Instagram would have it the battery was left in the charger. Niiiiice. This evening I contemplated renaming the blog: My Life On Instagram. Has a little ring to it, don't you think?

Outfit: Zara-Blouse, Current/Elliott-Boyfriend Jeans, Gap-Cami,

Dulce-Clogs seen here and here aka good old days, Sorial-Bag

Have you ever bought something, wondered if you'll ever wear it and then it turns out to

rescue you from wardrobe block on a regular basis? For me that is this Zara Blouse.

So happy I didn't leave it behind. Now need a couple more just like it...

These shoes get so much wear in my day to day life.

The company closed and I've regretted not getting a second pair almost every day since.

*Insert rationing the shoes here*

Nothing like a cold margarita on a hot day. And yes we were able to sit outside.

It was bloody 85 degrees in the middle of the afternoon!

Anyway, I am looking for some sort of jolt to the closet because trying to get my fall on in summer weather is basically a drag. I wake up in the morning, think about a light sweater and then laugh at myself as the sun beams through the window giving my arm a tan. Good luck with that one, Carrie! Shortly after margaritas I spent some time window shopping and left feeling somewhat deflated. Is it me or does everything kind of look the same right now? It's that whole 80's thing yawwwwn. I saw some little kid in a pair of neon pink socks and a green neon skirt. It took everything in me not to scream, "Do you even know who Madonna IS?" I mean hel-looo Desperately Seeking Susan!

That being said, unless Dallas Raines (local weather guy) tells me otherwise, prepare for a resurgence of my somewhat tan faded legs this week. I'll just stand idly by while everyone in blog world strolls by in their various fur, leather, and sweater ensembles. Anyone for a mid-summer hippie vibe?

The Hair Chronicles

2011-09-30T01:30:00.000-07:00

Friends I would like to formally announce 'Victory on the Hair Front'.

Yesterday I woke up with a crick in my neck (truth be told I had one before I went to bed and was so wound up I could barely turn to the right, but panic attacks aside...) feeling like it was the day of a big exam. Thankfully I'm way out of University, but clearly my body remembers the terror/exhilaration just as though it was yesterday. My appointment was for 1pm. Picture it: me breaking out in a sweat and fanning the underarms at top speed. Suddenly the phone rings: appointment pushed back to 1:30. Whew! Perspiration instantly subsides. Imagine that. Shortly thereafter phone rings again: appointment pushed back to 2:00. I'm feeling like going outside for a stroll. What am I thinking?!?

Next thing you know it's go time. I hop in the car and head south. Wait a second--why is everyone stopping? Why am I sitting here, on PCH in the middle of nowhere, at 1:35pm?? What's that? A commercial being filmed. Oh hell no. Not today. Yes today. Cut to 15 minutes later and I'm now jammed on another part of the highway for 'road construction' aka a bunch of guys standing around twiddling their thumbs all day long while three lanes go down to one for what seems like eternity. I call the salon, 'I could be 10 minutes late. I'm jammed!' Attitude on the other end. Yes. I've been delayed an hour and now I get attitude. I don't care. I want my hair cut damn you!!

Five minutes late I run in having dropped only one eff bomb on the valet who announces, at the valet podium stand thing, that he's not taking anymore cars. Then what the hell are you standing there for?? Wheeling through the parking lot like a crazy bird I find a spot, jump out and scream to the 16 year old valet kid: 'Sorry for the eff bomb, buddy. I'm running late!' He laughs. Thank God for the youth.

Two hours later I emerge, triumphantly. The Hair Genius aka Dusty Simington has worked his magic. I'm knot free AND he wanted to keep the length. This is the sound of elation. Exhilaration. My hair swinging in the wind. Can you hear it?

All I had was my phone to take pictures, but here it is in all its glory.

3.5 inches later I'm still standing.

Length intact, I can carry onward to a celebratory cocktail.

Speaking of which are we done yet?

Yes. We are. I can now look forward to haircuts again.

Seeing as I sucked it on the blog posts this week here's a full outfit shot.

I went in prepared: expressing my inner hippie and wrapped in fringe.

Security blanket.

Seriously though, not since my Canadian hair stylist (who I've seen for 20 years and still see when I go home) have I been so happy with my hair, the cut and the person who cut it. I have fine hair but a lot of it, so most people can't understand how to cut and thin it out. And once you've had a really good precision cut, anything less is just depressing (think dog ears). Dusty killed it. He's got a great eye, has cut hair for years and is hilarious. I'd trust him to take it shorter--and that says a lot for someone who lost almost all her hair 8 years ago and has painstakingly grown it back. Thanks for all your notes of encouragement on the hair front. I was busting up at the tweets and facebook messages--it's a bird family affair!

Have a great weekend everyone!

Twists and Turns--Hair and Otherwise

2011-09-28T01:22:00.000-07:00

Remember last week when I was going on about work projects and eating cookies for breakfast, lunch and dinner due to busy schedule? Well what a difference a week makes. Suddenly it's dead in the water, deadlines having been met, and now there's an uneasy stillness in the air that has resulted in me spending far too much time perusing the internets obsessing over hairdos. More specifically I've been freaking out about the impending haircut that will take place on Thursday.

Yeah, yeah it's superficial and the least of concerns seeing as people in the world need food, shelter and healthcare. I get that. And am actually among some of those people on the healthcare front, but that's another blog for another time. This one's about life and hair and how to make sure I don't walk out looking like the victim of a drunken Edward Scissorhands (top 10 fave movies of all time). Here's one of my issues: I get to talking to the haircutter and before you know it we're laughing our heads off about something. Cut to scene (aka my head) where I've not really voiced what I wanted therefore the individual has just kind of gone off willy nilly. The next thing I know the blowdryer's on and it's kind of like opening a surprise gift: you're hoping for the best, but bracing for what may turn out to be not the best whilst doing your best to paste on a smile that won't show your true feelings.

Am I the only one who gets carried away talking to the hair people? They're truly some of the most fun people out there in my opinion. Anyway, I had my lid colored yesterday and it is absolutely beyond fabulous. I can't unveil due to inability to take a picture of myself. I just can't do it. I feel like a cuckoo bird.

Instead let us pause and have a moment together as I prep myself to maintain a level of seriousness on Thursday. I'm focusing on the following pictures and chanting as follows: "I'm in a hippie phase and don't want much taken off. Please just bring some life and shape back to the hair." In my more frenzied moments I practice, "Put those scissors down!! Didn't you hear me say I want no more than 2 inches taken off?!"

I don't even have this much hair to begin with, but this would be a dream hairstyle to me.

Somewhere Vanessa Hudgens remembers having these days--and curses her now short locks.

Maybe not, but I can't help wondering.

This is pure magique--her, her hair, the straggly ends--all of it.

Yesterday's conversation with self went like this: "I think I'll get bangs. You can't get bangs. Look at her bangs. I wonder if I could pull off bangs? No you can't. Ever since your brother dropped that can on your head when you were five you can't get a proper part."

Hello ageless woman.

Why does your hair never frizz?

And can we please discuss how to replicate prior to Thursday?

Either way the guy I'm going to is a hair genius and will probably do most of whatever he wants anyway. A couple years ago he gave me a great cut so I'm looking forward to visiting him--albeit with a might bit of trepidation. Wish me luck. He's a cutter. And I don't mean that in the self-inflicting pain way. If you have any other images I could share with him, please do feel free to suggest and/or forward. The more focused I can be going in, the better chance I'll have of staying focused and selling my case for longer vs. shorter hair.

Did I mention I haven't cut my hair since the end of December last year? Uh yeah, get there.

Haunts

2011-09-26T01:08:00.000-07:00

Falling in love with LA is something that's turned out to be a huge surprise to me. The first couple years I lived in the city I seriously thought I was going to lose my sh*t. Pushy people, everyone claiming to be an actor (as they help you try on your shoe or pass your tea over the counter), the snazziest car at the four way stop goes first--unwritten rules that I was unaccustomed to and, quite frankly, highly annoyed by. Then around year three, once I started working for myself and had more free time (read: no longer chained to the desk for 12 hours/day), an interesting thing happened. I would wake up in the morning and want to be in certain parts of town or at certain places. And the things that once worked my nerve, well I didn't notice them as much anymore.

Cut to a couple years down the line when the Chef and I began doing dinner and a movie once a week, and the fascination grew. We discovered some seriously great places, and after awhile developed a handful of favorites that became our top spots to hangout at for hours. Apparently we weren't the only ones finding them either because we'd often run into the same people over and over. And after awhile some of those people became friends of ours. This city is delightfully unexpected that way.

Yesterday we popped into a coffee shop that used to be relatively unknown, but is now kinda not so much. We sat down to grab dessert and I glanced next to me to see the tiniest girl. Suddenly it dons on me: Ellen Page. Juno in the house! I loved her in that movie and also thought she killed it in Inception...Canadian too by the way and no I'm not usually a name dropper. Anyway we're all sandwiched in elbow to elbow and I'm fighting everything in me not to turn and embarrassingly exclaim I think she's bomb (to which she'd probably be like, lady are you 53 years old with that terminology and do I know you?) when I hear one of her friends mention how pretty LA is. And she responded with something along the lines of LA is a very pretty city--enchanting in its own way and in ways you wouldn't initially think it would be. Kindred spirit.

And then the server brought my peanut butter banana cup cushioned in the flakiest pastry you ever did try. The rest is a blur.

~Details: Young, Fabulous & Broke-Vest, James Perse-V-Neck, Martin+OSA-Skinnies,

Sorial-Bag (similar), Banana Republic-Boots (similar), Anthro-Sunglasses~

Passion Fruit Gelee + Peanut Butter Banana Cup + Lavender Lemonade + Decaf Espresso

Low Luv x Erin Wasson-Necklace (sale!)

Red Denim and Lace

2011-09-23T02:46:00.000-07:00

Lately almost every time I go to put an outfit together I'm faced with the reality that my wardrobe has begun to resemble what hung in my closet in the late 80's/90's. Truth? I'm not sure how I feel about it. More often than not I'm tossing on a few outfits before finally settling on one, and somewhere in the process there is mumbling about Madonna. Maybe some things are better left in the past? The influence she had on fashion then--and consequently now--is undeniable. When I see Lourdes running around in lace, droopy crotch pants and hightop sneakers it especially hits home. Man it's crazy how fast time flies.

In any event, it was great to don my red denim again last night. The biggest challenge I have with them is not enough tops. Fortunately I was able to snag the best long sleeve lace top at Forever 21 back on that wonderful day when the lace blazer and I found each other. I'm not one to be wearing a sheer lace t-shirt so I just layer a thin black tank beneath and head out. Works perfectly. Even better? Remembered these awesome Steve Madden platforms I stalked down about a month ago...all sold out nationwide when there they were in Kentucky for about $30. The last pair. In my size. Kismet! Just in time for the weekend. Here's to a great one.

~Details: J.Crew-Denim Jacket, Forever21-Lace T (similar), J Brand-Skinny Twill,

Steve Madden-Platforms (similar on sale!), Free People-Sunglasses~

Cool, right? He killed it on the camera last night.

And with that I bid you farewell until Monday. Oh. And just wait until I tell you about how Target is refusing to allow me to return an online purchase or even print up the online receipt to provide EVIDENCE of purchase (aside from the box it was mailed in, all the packaging, and the packing slip with my name and address on it *cough cough*). Does anyone have any contacts higher up over there? I'm at the end of my rope and just want a refund. Ugh!!

Hark! A Denim Jumpsuit

2011-09-22T01:45:00.000-07:00

I'd show you the link to where it lived on Free People except it blew out like

hot cakes and is gone.
Without A Trace.
(coincidentally one of my fave shows too btw).

I have been doing such a great job of avoiding the fall fashions. Clinging to my wallet. Returning any crap that shows up from Missoni x Target (colossal waste of time). Suddenly there it was. Gleaming across my computer screen while some person or another talked on and on about something else that did not pertain to me (conference calls. what's the purpose?). No sooner did I click on the link and discover it was only still available in size Large when my dreams of doing Farrah Fawcett proud crashed to the the ground like a cz diamond shattered to bits on the concrete. Moments later size L also disappeared. Thank God for pictures saved to the desktop.

Not to worry though. Inspector Shoeseau is on the case. Yes I realize it's a jumpsuit, but the premise is the same: seek and find mission. Denim jumpsuit at 12 o'clock.

I've been meditating on this very article of clothing for months. How is it that I missed an opportunity to make it a reality? What was I thinking participating in Operation Wallet Conservation 2011? Who am I and what have those chocolate chip cookies done to me?

Standby for a serious post. One where I hopefully discover this item of beauty and bring it home to its rightful owner (that would be me). The dream is still alive. Circa 1978. Back when I didn't have cookies aka junk in the trunk. Commencing le diet ASAP.

Off the Tracks. And a GF Chocolate Cookie Recipe

2011-09-21T01:13:00.000-07:00

Prepare for a mad ramble. Mayhem has struck at the bird. I can't even remember what it was like to have daily posts planned a few days in advance. What're those?

It's September and apparently what that means is people are serious about getting serious and that means I'm busy with work projects. They come out of the blue. One day I'm meandering around Target trying to figure out why the soccer moms had to buy up all of the darkest dark Ghirardelli chips, and the next I'm just grateful we managed not to eat every ounce of the cookie dough two days ago seeing as I'm now living on chocolate chip cookies as they're all I have the energy to make for dinner at 9pm. And for breakfast at 7am. True story.

Saturday night at, oh, 11pm I decided it was cookie time up in this dojo. I had a big batch of gluten-free flour all mixed up. A refrigerator dive (like a closet dive only for frozen food) had produced a hidden bag of my fave Bernard Callebaut chips (hollar if you hear me Canadian peeps!) and it was go time. Cut to scene and I'm passed out on the couch while the Chef rolls in asking why the oven's still on...woops! Dough's mixed, but in the fridge. Sunday morning (or something) made for chocolate chip cookies for breakfast which is just fine by me. And him too. Jackpot.

Here's the thing though: I didn't use all the dough at once. I like a warm cookie. Instead I make just enough (4 to 6 if I'm flying solo--fyi) and keep the rest in the fridge. You know what this means though, right? I'm all kinds of messed up eating warm cookies for breakfast, lunch and dinner.

As soon as I open the fridge in the morning, it calls out to me.

'Make a cookie.' Oh who am I kidding? More like, 'Make 4 cookies.'

Who am I to argue?

By afternoon, 6 cookies deep and 40 phone calls later, that bottle

of wine isn't looking so bad either. I kid!

Do you have any idea how many times I've made 6 cookies "for the blog" and then proceeded

to eat them all without taking one single picture for 'the blog'?

More times than I'd care to remember, thank you very much.

Blame it on the deadlines?

AND THE PLATE.

THE PLATE MADE ME DO IT.

(just like that time I blamed a few purchases on Olivia Palermo even though she has no idea who I am)

And for the record--the cookies are not that small!

Coincidentally neither is the ever increasing amount of, how shall I say, junk in my trunk.

Confession: Yesterday I ate 3 cookies, a radish, a small taco, another radish, a baby cucumber, 4 more cookies, a couple more radishes, a small piece of lasagna and 3 final cookies that I totally needed because it was the Season Finale of Teen Mom. Can Maci and Ryan just get back together already?!?

Notice how I deflected that right off my clearly spelled out cookie issue?

Anyway, I have to roll off to bed because it's 1am and I actually feel sick from all the cookies I ate. Time to go sleep off the sugar rush and prepare for morning consumption.

If you want the most killer chocolate chip cookie recipe evah use this one and if you're gluten-free just substitute my flour mixture (here) in place of the regular flour. You can't tell the difference at all. Should you try the recipe I will await your arrival at the Cookie Rehab Center. I'll be the one with chocolate smeared on my t-shirt and the Lap Band ad in my hand.

Not pretty. Not pretty at all.

Muted Tones

2011-09-19T02:05:00.000-07:00

I'm on the verge of just renaming this one: how many whacked out poses can he catch me in? If I get time to post the outtakes over on FB prepare to pee your pants.

Anyway, yesterday was off the hook. Slept in, lounged around for a couple hours and then had the.most.glorious. late day lunch (later followed by 8 homemade chocolate chip cookies, but who's counting?). I know you're probably all, 'yaaaaaaawwwwwwwwn', but remember--we've not been able to do much of that for the past several months due to Restaurant Opening 2011. Don't get me wrong--we're super happy to be in the midst of the experience, but it's still really nice to get in some quality time. Remember last year when when the Chef and I ran the days with freedom? Outfit posts aplenty? Now we're just trying to get a full night's rest, comb our (respective heads of) hair and wear more than one pair of jeans a week.

*Digs through laundry pile on bedroom floor.* (only kind of joking)

On a serious note though: was closet diving last week and came across a pair of Elizabeth & James suede heels I picked up a few years ago around the time one of my cats got hit by a car and had to have surgery on her leg. It was a sad (and wallet crushing) time, but I kept the shoes anyway. Then promptly forgot about them in the midst of all the chaos (long-time readers know my cats are my family!). Serious jackpot moment upon rediscovering them the other day. Long live the closet dive! And the late day lunch...

I call this one the 'wait a second, is that an antique store over there?!

As I was saying about the shoes....Uh, hello again friends.

Outfit details: Club Monaco-Silk Jacket (suede version here), Tucker x Target-Cami (polka dot),

Martin+Osa (RIP)-Grey Skinnies, Elizabeth & James-Heels, Alexander Wang-Coco (Rocco)

I know you're thinking, 'dude we just saw the bag. enough already', but this is the best

I have of a jacket close-up. Picked up on sale a few weeks ago at Club Monaco...

wait until I use it in my Grease tribute. Do you pick up that vibe?

It's pony-taillllll time!!

Speaking of which--what on EARTH is going on with my lid??

Use a comb much? Bid me good luck as I attempt to secure a half decent

haircut in the upcoming weeks. It's akin to death around these parts.

Remember my orange locks in March when the parents visited?

No? Don't worry--I blocked it out, too. PTSD

Fringe Files: Last Days of Summer

2011-09-17T21:55:00.000-07:00

Here's a rare Saturday night post. Not sure I've ever actually done one of these, but the Chef insists so here it is. We were piecing through some Instagram pictures and came across this one taken on a super hot day a couple weeks ago.

Chef: 'Oh you have to put this one up for the Fringe Files.'

Me: 'Uh, okay. Maybe this week.'

Chef: 'What do you mean this week?'

Me: 'I'm pretty sure no one wants to see me wearing the same fringe bag in every post.'

Chef: 'Hel-looo there's a fringe bag AND boots.' pause 'I mean, you have a fringy reputation to uphold.'

Who can argue with that logic? You can tell there hasn't been a ton of time for snazzier pictures as of late. Not that we ever had a fancier camera, but you know what I mean. These days it's a lot of hair in ponytail, Instagram on the fly and quality time spent together vs. la-de-da outfits and time spent on photos. We're still getting in the groove of the whole restaurant schedule thing, but it's starting to get a little better every day. Thanks for hanging in there.

~James Perse-Tank, Gap-Cami (best.things.ever), Martin+Osa (RIP)-Denim Mini,

Joie-Fringe Boots (sorry last year), Brandy+Melville Fringe Bag(similar)~

Probably the last you'll see of my bare legs for awhile. Fall weather has arrived in SoCal and I spent the day wrapped in one of my fave old cashmere sweaters. Soon I'll be wrapped in a Missoni x Target throw though...victory is mine!!

Scarred For Life: Missoni x Target

2011-09-15T01:57:00.000-07:00

Okay maybe that title is a little melodramatic, but unfortunately kinda the way I'm feeling right now. Yesterday was the day after zigzagmania and I managed to make it out of bed at, oh, noon--however a general feeling of malaise hung with me all day long. Not getting any sleep the night before due to zigzag fever probably had something else to do with it. I'm going to stop carrying on about this after today, but in the interest of telling you how I really feel will cut loose in this post.

It all started when the dreaded Target Style refused to say what time the ol' Missoni line would be released online. They did little teasers like 'bright and early in the morning' and 'you can sleep for a couple more hours', but refused to specifically state a time--likely because they knew that mayhem was about to overtake their site. Nevertheless that was the beginning of the end. Around 3:15am I checked the site and got on with ease. Like a fool I thought, 'hmmmm they must have planned because this is relatively seamless'. Famous last words. Cut to scene and there I was in the middle of checkout: the beloved throw, an iPhone cover and one other item I can't remember due to PTSD when the damn site crashed. Really Target? REALLY??

These words now evoke feelings of terror.

For the next 3 hours I attempted to get back into the site just to access my cart and check out with 3 measly items, but oh no. That would have been asking too much. During this time I also waited on hold for an hour for a customer service rep who could pull up my transaction and check me out. Nada! When I finally got through she did, indeed, pull up my online shopping cart...but refused to assist me in the checkout process stating I had to wait until the site came back up. Excuse me lady, but that's like other people butting in front of me in line, isn't it? Meanwhile everyone and their mother was attempting to access the site and some of them apparently were able to do so because when I got back in at, oh, 7am the damn throw--the one thing I really wanted--was SOLD OUT. Even better? Ol' girl on the phone had given me a 'reference number' for when I would, inevitably, call back again to complain that the contents of my cart had been pilfered out from under me while I entered the security code from the back of my card during CHECKOUT as the site crashed. That's how close I was!! By the way...that reference number showed what had been in my cart when the site crashed. And would always hold that screen shot according to her.

Isn't that special?

They knew this was happening to thousands of people, but rather than honoring those of us who had waited our turn and made legit transactions they just ripped our merchandise out of our carts and let others run off into cyberspace with it...kind of just like the in-store experience so many people had. They would politely put something in their cart, leaving other things for other customers, when the crazy eBayers and soccer moms would roll up, attempt to steal the goods, and run off into the men's fitting room to 'decide what they really wanted' aka ALL OF IT even if it wasn't in their size.

By mid-day I was down from a raging fire to a smolder so took my crazy looking hair out to the car and zipped over to a local Target to survey the damage. Zippo on the clothing due to the antics described in yesterday's post. Everything had been pillaged by 8:05am leaving nothing except a few pairs of shoes. One of those pairs happened to be knit flats in a size a little too big for my niece, but she'll grow into them. Examine the evidence:

Cute, right?

Why do I feel like throwing them against the wall?

By mid-afternoon I had made two transactions for two iPhone covers...finally one of those transactions went through. Here's hoping the goods show up and the order doesn't get cancelled. Maybe they'll accidentally send me the throw they owe me. Yeah, right.

I'm sure you're thinking 'oh get over it' and all I can say to you is, I will, but until I do you can talk to the hand. Because if I had been standing in-store with 3 items and the register went down while I was in the process of waiting for my credit card transaction to go through no one would have been able to steal my stuff off the register. Right? Herein lies my real issue. Pushers, shovers and store hoarders aside, the web experience was dismal. And people who waited up all night, essentially waited for nothing. And Target couldn't give a flying you know what. THAT'S MY PROBLEM. Why couldn't that customer service rep have checked me out?? Why could she look at my cart online, see the contents and refuse to check me out. I mean she used a polite tone and asked her supervisor and everything...but at the end of the day left me to swing in the wind.

Well swing this!! *insert the bird* (I bet sponsors are just lining up right now *cough*). The experience killed the desire for the line, which is really sad. And now I want to heave those little shoes into outer space, but won't because I know my niece will love them. And I almost got scratched getting them. And I still want that stupid throw because I heard they are really nice. Ugh!!

Consolation: today I found a very cool facebook page called Locked out of Missoni for Target - FAIR Trade Here. People are listing items they are going to return or would be willing to trade for other items...and some of them will actually sell items to you at a reasonable price + shipping. A wonderfully kind woman messaged me and may have a throw for me. I'll keep you updated. The ironic thing is this page has brought together, at least at this stage, fair and reasonable people who are not making things easy for the eBayers wanting to gouge. I highly suggest heading over and 'liking' their page--if you'd still like something and your local store is sold out, someone there might have your item. Target's customer service could learn a thing or two from the admins running the page. And those ill-mannered shoppers could also stand to take a lesson from the way patrons are trading/selling goods amongst each other. Word

Hit the Wall

2011-09-14T01:03:00.000-07:00

This is approximately how I feel after dealing with Target online and in-stores yesterday.

Due to exhaustion and disgust I will post an update tomorrow.

In the meantime:

A big look of disdain to all the soccer moms who mowed through everything in local

Targets at 8am leaving nothing behind for anyone else to even try on

much less contemplate purchasing.

Do ya really need one of each thing in multiple sizes? Really?

Two local Targets reported

incidents of grown women punching, slapping and grabbing items

out of one another's hands.

Manners are dead in Southern California.

And I haven't even gotten to the online "experience".

*Grouch in the house*

Need to catch up on sleep since I got approximately 20 minutes last night.

Fringe Files

2011-09-12T01:09:00.000-07:00

You know how there were the X-Files? Well I'm starting the Fringe Files to document all my fringe-ified outfits--primarily because I've run out of titles. *confession*

Speaking of confessions I don't know about you, but I spent most of yesterday watching 9/11 documentaries. At first I didn't want to remember because of how sad it is, but then I remembered that I need to remember: out of respect for the people who died and their surviving family members. And also so that I don't become lackadaisical about the horrific events that happened that day. Probably my favorite documentary was the one CBS aired called 9/11: 10 Years Later. If you didn't catch it I highly recommend picking it up on iTunes. Two French guys were doing a documentary on a rookie firefighter, and ended up capturing incredible footage at Tower One when one of them went to the scene with Chief Pfeifer. It took my breath away and captured an insider's view like nothing else I've seen. Even now, hours later, I can't stop thinking about it.

The only time I managed to get out yesterday was in an attempt to grab brunch. Upon emerging from the house it became apparent that all the streets were blocked off due to yet another neighborhood event I probably threw out the flyer for, so we snapped a few pictures on the spot before rolling back upstairs to bust out the pb&j. Not nearly the same as chips & salsa with a side of margaritas, but somehow I managed to survive. Imagine that.

~Outfit: Sportsgirl-Crochet Fringe Sweater Tank (similar), BCBG-Ribbed Lace Tank,

Elizabeth and James-Stevies (Jimi), Brandy & Melville Fringe Bag (similar)~

I may or may not have worn this tank a few times in the past week.

It is a birthday gift from my dear blogger friend Milijana who always remembers me.
Hope to meet her in person someday!

Fact of the matter: I feel like Sarah Connor from The Terminator in this outfit.
All I need is about 50 more arm workouts and to tone up the junk in the
trunk so I can kick a head off. She did girl power like no other!

NEVER FORGET

2011-09-11T18:07:00.000-07:00