Friday, February 24, 2012

Don't Pause, Just Purchase

Have you ever seen something, paused, taken the leap in purchasing and then wondered why you hesitated in the first place?  Story of my life. About a month ago Calypso St. Barth had an online sample sale, so I meandered over to the site to take a look and fell upon a superb pair of pants. The only thing holding me back was length.  At 5'3'' there is a lot of hemming that takes place up in this dojo and the pants were just the right wide leg.  Would they be hemmable (and yes I realize that's not exactly a word, but neither is inspo and plenty of people are using that linguistic tragedy...)? Because nothing wrecks a perfect, slightly flared leg than a hem job gone wrong.

Cut to scene and I pulled the trigger purchasing the pants once I realized their original price was over $200 and these were....wait for it...on sale for $35!! All I can say is victory on the pant front and I don't even want to hem them.  Wore them with a platform sandal on a lazy Sunday a couple weekends ago.  Examine the evidence:
~Anthropologie-Poncho (old), Gap-Tank, Georgie-Pants or different pattern here, Low Luv-Necklace~
Go great with a blue curb?
If you're looking for me this weekend, here's where you'll find me--
sitting in the sand, warm sun on my face.

Have a great weekend, everyone.

Wednesday, February 22, 2012

Dream Home Realized

This weekend we went to brunch and bid a sad farewell to one of my best friends who has moved to Beijing for at least the next couple years.  After lunch, in a semi-haze resulting from my friend's departure starting to sink in coupled with trauma over listening to Bebe Winans talk about Whitney Houston on the car ride up, I popped into Anthropologie aka happy place to regain my composure and instead almost hit the floor.

Look at what greeted me.

Manifest destiny.

Tepee dreams come true.

Every since I was a kid I've always wanted a tepee.  When my family went camping, I wanted to pack a tepee.  We didn't own one thereby explaining how that never happened.

Growing up on the Prairies in Canada we were surrounded by wide open spaces, and experienced the four seasons in a very real and practical way.  My family lives on a farm and my dad and his dad before him were both farmers.  Was my dad a cowboy?  Well, he wore the cowboy hat and cowboy boots but was never much of a horse rider, so I guess that's kind of a no.  What my dad is and always has been is a Johnny Cash fan.  That and an avid reader and watcher of western books and movies.  Louis L'Amour, anyone?  We only had 3 channels so, more often than not, my dad spent Saturdays telling us how much we were going to loooooove the upcoming cowboy movie.  Uh, what?   

I've been thinking about my childhood a lot lately, and wondering if my natural attraction to Native American culture--in Canada we refer to this people group as First Nations--stems from all the cowboy movies we watched.  Hey, it's a theory.  But likely not the only contributor because we also have a large Métis population where I grew up.  In school, part of our Social Studies curriculum included learning about the Inuit and  Métis people and I was always fascinated by their history.  Superficially I'll admit I loved their fur boots and hats, and all the wonderful handmade goods they gave us access to.  

Next time I talk to my mom I'm going to ask about the tepee status and see if I can get some follow-up on a lifelong request.  Until then I've placed the above photo into the 'future dream home' file.  Or vacation home.  Either would work.

I've been joking around for weeks about wanting an indoor tepee, so it was pretty ironic to walk in and find this staring me in the face.  Perhaps it's a sign? 
I think I'm gonna work that angle. Ha!

Tuesday, February 21, 2012

The Bachelor Recap: With This Twist Tie I Poke My Own Eye Out

Tonight was hometown night on The Bachelor. That blessed time when all we want to see is who the hell is responsible for the narcissist known as Courtney Robertson. Bring it!

First up: Lyndzi

I clocked in where she's riding her horse on the track when Ben shows up wearing his best plaid cowboy shirt. The sun's shining and I could have sworn Lyndzi was from Seattle. Did they say we're in Florida? Maybe my brains really are depleting from watching this? Next thing we know Ben's getting strapped into some horse and buggy contraption looking terrified. Didn't he originally say he was a horse guy? Nobody likes a liar, Ben. Anyway, off they trot once Lyndzi takes the reins and whip. Meanwhile I hope and pray she's somehow gotten wind of his oceanics with Courtney and waited until this very moment to administer a lashing.

No dice.

Lyndzi's got a little picnic set up and immediately the falling off the horse and getting back on comparisons to the game o love start up. *somebody help us* And her. Here we learn she's only ever brought one guy home and it was a guy she lived with. Hold the phone. Mr. Text Message Break-up was a live-in? Ouch. Ouch for her and yay for us. Please say the father has some pent up frustration saved for Ben. This could be the first time in Bachelor history a father socks a weasly mophead in the face for stringing his daughter along!

Love them. For real. Such nice people.

My snark dies when I see the parents. Harry and Margie remind me of my mom and dad. Down-to-earth, super nice people only with dogs instead of cats. Ben awkwardly hops out of the carriage and I notice cut-off cowboy boots beneath his skinny hipster jeans. Disaster. Harry & his wife challenge Ben & Lyndzi to a carriage race that ends in the younger two pulling the older two, carriage and all, back to the house where serious talk commences. These people have only one daughter and they make it clear to Ben, in separate conversations, that she's all they have so he best not eff it up and hurt her. He gets super nervous and wiggles around in his seat--remember this is a hothead who doesn't like anyone but Trashney bossing him around--managing to avoid letting her dad know if he's considering marrying her. Narrow escape because we all know he's just biding time to the Courtney finishline. Did the dad catch it? I'm not sure. He is SO someone's dad and Ben should have more respect, especially considering his own loss. I'm pissed. I especially like Lyndzi's people.. They welcomed him back in the future, they made s'mores, they hugged. Damn you Ben Flajnik!! I hope her mom kicks you in the nuts with her pointy cowboy boot at a future Bachelor event. Look what you let pass by, fool!

Next up was Kacie B.

I'm immediately taken back to that dodo head bachelor guy from Seattle who changed his mind and ended up with Mollie instead of the Dancing With the Stars winner. What was her name again? Melissa!! Remember when he and Mollie were talking during the season and she asked him if he was scared he'd pick the wrong one?? It was straight up foreshadowing that no one caught except me. Okay maybe you did too, but I didn't know you then or we could have high five'd in the end when he b*tchslapped poor Melissa on live tv and told her choosing her was a mistake. What.a.douche. Anyway, Ben admits to Kacie's dad that he's afraid he'll choose the wrong woman in the end. Ive been waiting for a sign like this for the past 3 weeks as that b*tch Trashney has gotten more and more out of control. Please let this be an arrow pointing to her tragic (aaaahahahah) booting on the after show!! PLEASE ABC!!

Back to the matter at hand: Kacie's hometown date summary.
So many levels of wrong I'm not even sure where to begin.

She starts off talking about how she can't wait to kiss him and hug him and welcome him into her family. I'm hoping she's not taking him on a trip to her beloved grocery store. Thankfully (or something) it's marching band time on a rainy athletic field in Clarksville, TN. Please say a football hits him in the head.

No cigar.

Instead I am mortified to see the band part and her come baton twirling to the beat all the way down the middle. When did this girl graduate? Last year?? Lose the baton, honey. Courtney's already shown him all her "worldly goods" and this one is back at gymnastics. Heaven help us. Upon completing her routine she runs down the field and jumps on him, telling him the field is named after her grandfather. This runs into her gushing about her grandparents, their love story and how they passed away within months of each other due to broken heart status. All I'm noticing is this girl is totally spun on Ben and lost a grip on reality. She's run clear past the finishline to their life together in Tennessee. Uh-oh. He better cut her loose or it's about to get ugly up in here. Especially since she drops the bomb that her Dad's a non-drinking, federal probation officer? AAAahahahahaha! It's on!! There'll be no getting the parents liquored up on this round. Wonder if he stopped for Depends on his way over to meet the Fockers? He totally checks out and all but dumps her right there in the stands.

Lean forward so I can check for the scent of liquor on your breath, Flajnik.

At the house the parents toss these two on the grill. She wants them to see this as a serious relationship, her dad wants her to wake up and smell the coffee. Kacie pulls her sister aside, before the heat really gets turned up, and tells her Ben is her future husband. Whoa lady! There's a crazy bus parked outside to take you to wherever Courtney's holed up. The sister gives her the 'dad's not gonna let you' scared look while fresh off traveling the globe Courtney's all 'I can do whatever I want and take risks now'--more to pump herself up than anything else. This house reeks of the iron fist of an overprotective control freak. I'm scared.

On the dad grill, Ben is greeted by a stern father. He wants each of them to find the right person for them--whoever that may be, but if she's not the right one he would appreciate Ben telling her sooner rather than later. The dad just went up a million points in my book. He's sniffed out a lying weasel and laid down the law. Kacie's gettin clipped tonight y'all. If Ben receives anything less than adoration for his ego, he is out. The mother taught her daughters integrity--she wants the same in a son-in-law. Well that's out the window: see naked romp in the ocean with Courtney. Oh. And she doesnt want her daughter living with a man outside of marriage. Flajnik's in the weeds. He's trying to tell them he has traditional values. I'm rolling laughing off the couch. Back on the dad grill she tells him she's in love, the dad flashes a bright light in her eyes and asks if the other girls are too. Thank you, dad. He is not having any of this nonsense marriage talk. Flajnik darts to the car with barely a smooch and that's that. Hear that flatline? This thing's ovah!

Oh no. Nicki the divorcee.
Let's keep this filler short. She's just dead weight anyway. They shop for cowboy boots in good ol' Fort Worth while I notice Flajnik learned his lesson from Lyndzi's and wore the appropriate boot cut jeans. Clichés sound off on boot fits and relationship fits *gag*, they stroll the streets adorned in cowboy hats *cringe*, and I wonder if we're almost done with this. After slinging drinks in the saloon it's yet another picnic. Originality is dead. Apparently the family is not into this bachelor voyage and he's in for another verbal beating. Hopefully they drink. He can't wait to get over there and get it over with so he can lose this chick. It's all over his face, but she doesn't notice due to rambling on yet again about her divorce. Shut.up.lady.

At the parents, everyone hugs while Nicki calls Ben 'Bin'. Annoying. The dad asks Ben if he ever gets a word in edge-wise? This guy knows his daughter. So does the mother who notices her daughter is goonier than she's ever seen, but not sure Ben feels the same. Hel-lo Miss Cleo. Nicki tells her mother she's ready to plan a wedding and have a future with Bin. The mother tells her to slow her roll. The father also tells her to dial it back because she could get hurt--she must have been equally as nuts last time they gave their marital blessing. These people know their daughter doesn't have any brains in the relationship department. She has created some sort of fantasy relationship with Bin in her mind. It does not exist. Where is she coming up with this crap? Ben's just happy to get to the drinks as the dad toasts the two of them, but Nicki drags Bin off yet again to blather on and on and on and on and on and on. Snooze. Someone please shut her up. She has no clue. It's painful.

It's Cuckoo time at Courtney's parents' place in Scottsdale.

Immediately she begins ragging on the other girls due to her own insecurities, but now claims to feel bad about it even though she labels it fighting for love. Can you say conflicted and realizing maaaaybe the editing could cause her some backlash afterward? Hmmmmmm. More rambling about how all men have disappointed and abandoned her *yawn hooker victim*, and they're at the house. Ben's got flowers and wine. First time with both on all the dates. Take note. This fool picked this cheap ho! He gushes to the camera that she's the one he's noticed most--BUT it would bother him to end up with someone who rubbed others the wrong way. Loaded statement, but let's just stick to the possibility of the foreshadowing of him dumping her after the final rose. ABC? You out there!?!

She claims she hasn't brought a guy home in a long time, then two seconds later says her parents have seen her heartbroken many, many times. So which is it? Don't answer that. We all know she's been around and around. It's straight to the booze as dad proposes a toast and Courtney gushes on about like/loving Ben. The mother looks like a crazy witch and it's easy to see where Trashney gets her lack of looks from. The woman is a total biz-natch and clearly thinks Ben is beneath her daughter. Probably mind games to help her crazy ho daughter seal the deal. The apple doesn't fall far from the tree y'all.
'I'm crazy and my daughter's crazy and we talk baby talk.'

Courtney tells the sister Ben's the one. The father asks Ben if he's ready for marriage, Ben dodges. Back inside Courtney confesses to the skinny dip. Crazy meets crazy when the wonk-eyed mother appears to chat with Trash. Peas in a pod doesn't even begin to describe. Courtney says the mother doesn't trust men. This means the father is emasculated beyond belief. Uh-oh. The mother listens, claims she likes him, they talk in baby voices and Courtney calls him 'her guy' in front of everyone. Gag

Troll meet troll.

Going in reverse from the others, they go on another picnic where, in yet another shameless display of no pride, Courtney sets up a fake wedding complete with pastor, aisle, a bowtie for him and rings in some random park. She is NUTS!!! The corny Bachelor music begins--the one they reserve for the one he chooses--and she pulls out pen & paper for them to write their vows. Where is the straitjacket?? Dude. He tells her what he likes about her, she tells him what she wants. Go figure. Then she does some twist on traditional vows and tells him she loves him. They exchange twist ties and, instead of recognizing he's in the presence of a lunatic stalker, Ben is impressed with her effort. And they ride off in a white SUV complete with 'Almost Married' on the window and cans dragging in the dirt.

Somewhere out there Kacie's dad administers the 'I told you so' as she screams into a pillow.

For the first time this season Harrison has a sit down with Ben who glosses over the hometowns by saying the families were all sooooo welcoming, but won't make eye contact on Kacie. He looks uncomfortable.

Aaaaand Kacie B is ruthlessly snipped as Courtney grins on. Uff-da. She shed just a few tears in front of him, and he actually looked choked up. She never saw it coming.

She hollers eff bombs in the back of the car.  I hope she's not still in the corner at her parents' place.

Thank the good Lord he skinny dipped with Courtney so Kacie could see she left zilch in the dust. Two zilches as a matter of fact.

Wednesday, February 15, 2012

The Bachelor Recap: Ben Hands Over His Nuts

Better late than never, I guess.  This week's episode left me bewildered.

When I was growing up my mom always used to tell us, "if you don't have anything nice to say don't say anything at all". I just finished watching this week's episode of The Bachelor.



For the past 5 minutes I've contemplated pushing publish post right here and just walking away.

Sorry mom.

Courtney is a full-scale tw*t. We are talking one major beeyotch. I'd say something nice, but there isn't one single nice thing to say about her.  She needs mental help.

And Ben? Well all those searches that came in this week via Ben Flajnik idiot? Each and every one is justified. He is a sad excuse for an adult male looking for a life partner (as if he really is). It's a freaking tragedy.

Let's do this recap and try not to poke our own eyes out. Warning: hide all sharp objects.

So this week they're in Belize. Producers make it painfully obvious that Ben's accommodations are at least a boat ride away from where the women stay and we all know why that is:  Courtney would be trying to get into Ben's room every chance she got and he would be welcoming her in, thereby cutting the season to an abrupt close. Ick nast.

Harrison shows up and tells them there will be three one on one dates with zero roses up for grabs, and one group date with a single rose given out. Lyndzi gets the first date while Nicki the divorcee wails to the camera. Who is this chick? Seriously. Who? They have zilch for connection, yet she has waxed on from the beginning about being in love with Ben. She is NUTS. And incredibly annoying with all the unjustified bawling. Wtf?

Lyndzi's date with Ben: they get in a helicopter, fly around with the door open, hover over The Blue Hole--a big blue circle in the ocean that's surrounded by a coral reef but 500ft deep in the center and he tells her they're going to jump out. She's terrified, but of course they toss themselves out victoriously amidst a slew of cliches about relationships and taking the dive.
Yawwwwn. Is this over yet? 

Her top stays on and all I'm thinking is Courtney's wouldn't have.  These chicks need to step it up because they are getting steamrolled by a sleazy lunatic.  We see nada about the rest of the day because there is no romantic connection. Cut to evening and they kiss a bunch while sitting on some blanket on a dock. I stare at his bare feet in a pair of those bad slip-in Adidas sandals and try not to barf. *shudder*
Despite environmental concerns, we as a society need to gather them all into a heap
and incinerate every.last.pair. ATROCITY

After the most painfully awkward exchange resembling something between two bros, they express themselves via writing a note, stuffing it in a bottle and tossing it out to sea. Message in a Bottle (love you Robin Wright Penn) this is not, but I'm still hoping to watch Ben get swept out sea. 

Next date card is coming and cuckoo head biznatch Courtney's going off about how she deserves it and Ben knows she needs it and a bunch of other insane nonsense. Why aren't any of these broads ripping her a new hole?? WHY? Tell the b*tch off already. Someone. PLEASE. Nope. Emily gets the date card and Courtney cries to the camera?? Cry on hooker! You gave away the goods in your dirty ass little ocean romp a couple weeks ago. How's that working for ya now?

crocodile tears ho-bag. nobody's buying it.

Emily's date: she jets off to meet Ben while Courtney waxes on about how Emily treated her so poorly. The pot kettle analogies with this narcissist never end. She is an egomaniac like nothing I've ever seen. Anyway, Ben and Emily aka Trashney trash talker ride bikes, tour the sites, dive for lobsters and eat dinner. She extends an invite for him to meet her family and they suck face, tongues and all, for all the world to see. 

If it is true that he picked Courtney, 
somewhere Ben is getting a verbal beatdown at this very moment.

Meanwhile Courtney's in full bitch mode whining to Lyndzi that if Ben doesnt give her a date she's not accepting his rose. He doesn't have her baaaa-aaack, he's on a date with someone who was meeeeeean to her, she's not gonna let him meet her faaaa-mi-leeee. Is this broad for real?! Cue the straitjacket and put us out of our misery already ABC! She then tells everyone, yet again, that if he is crazy about her she'll get the date...aaaaand of course she does. Cackling like a witch in the night she makes the craziest comments about, "he knows what's good for him, he knows I needed this, he needs to step his game up, etc" like she's the only game in town. Wait. She is. This b*tch knows she wears the pants. Who wants to marry a wimp? No thanks!
Look at this mess

Cut to her date: they climb some Mayan temple staircase, pausing halfway, where she threatens him under the veil of her whiny baby voice: the thrill is gone, she doesn't know if she likes him anymore, he took the mean girl (puh-leeze) emily on a date, doesn't have her back and she doesn't know if she wants him to meet her family.
In the ultimate act of castration HE FALLS INTO THE TRAP, 
freaks out and borderline begs to meet her family. 

We are nowhere near the rose ceremony and dufus head Flajnik has already shown his cards. Good God man! Pull yourself together!! Any other high maintenance twat would have been kicked to the curb, but he saw her privates so he's locked in on this one.

What a complete WUSS.

I could rant and rave some more, but why? He is so completely clueless he grovels for family time yet again in the evening. Jesus take the wheel. What a waste. This was the longest date, the one with the most airtime, and the most pathetic exchange ever. It only got worse when she badmouthed the women and he did zero to shut her up! She was all kinds of condescending and rude and lying about how hard she's tried to win these 'girls' over but they're so mean and boring. Classic case of reverse psychology. Hel-loooo there Ben! You awake? No one likes this broad. No one. NO ONE.

His mother has to be sick to her stomach. Keep guzzling the wine mama Flajnik, the worst is yet to come.

Group date: Rachel, Nicki and Kacie swim around with Ben in shark infested waters. 
Not even remotely dangerous sharks btw.

Rachel sucks up all the water time, Kacie flips out, they all invite him home to the fam but he gives the one rose to a drunken, slurring Kacie B.  It was priceless. Girl could barely speak.  The three try to warn him about Courtney. He seems to listen, but you know this fool is letting it go in one ear and out the other.

These girls just makin' me rip my hairrrs out.

Cut to rose ceremony: he foregoes the cocktails to avoid having to face anymore truth about Courtney, fakes like he's giving her a stern talk leading to a snip and then cuts Rachel and Emily instead. Whoop-de-do for suspense there. So.painfully.predictable.

Hey Ben Flajnik:  how does it feel watching yourself be manipulated by a control freak who only cares about herself? Are you out there, Ben? If spoilers are right and you picked that witch, I hope you get your nuts out of her pocket, re-attach and lose her like the bad habit she is. Otherwise a life of misery awaits you. Mark my words.

Monday, February 13, 2012

Riding Shotgun

There we were Saturday afternoon, on the open road weaving around in traffic trying to figure out where the hell we were going when I looked at the clock and saw 3:55pm.  Dude.  We're not gonna make it.  Should we just turn around and say whatever with it?

We kept moving, I figured out how to read a map (really not my strong point and probably why I'm a  self-proclaimed wanderer) and we got where we were going, but in my mind I can still see 3:55 on the dashboard clock. I heard a reporter say this weekend, 'This will be one of those events you look back on and remember exactly what you were doing when it happened.' The this being Whitney Houston passing away.  I'm not going to wax on like she was my best friend, although in my 20's I'm pretty sure I thought she was given how much playtime her music got.  My girls and I used to blast out I'm Every Woman like no other.  Damn.  No more Whitney.

What a tragedy.

And no I'm not going to get into her handstands at the Beverly Hilton.  Let's just remember her as the legend she was.

Before hearing the news we had a rad day.  Decent weather, roamed the streets of the fabric district, I pretended not to be scared of the drug dealer with the shopping cart, took in a Vanessa Mooney sample sale and laughed like a hyena when a guy screamed at the sight of a full-grown Bull Mastiff entering the elevator as he was exiting.  Outfit?  Uh, sorry. This is all I got.  In-car chic is the new black?

~Details: Martin +Osa (RIP)-Plaid Shirt, Alexa Chung-Skirt (seen here), Frye-Boots, TK-Bag, 
Vanessa Mooney-Necklace & Bracelet, here~

And here's Whitney Houston. She really was every woman.

Wednesday, February 8, 2012

Shake It Off

A couple of Saturdays ago I found myself all up in Free People when I swear I left the house only to get a cup of tea.  Funny how that happens.  Truth is I was feeling kind of sorry for myself because my whole family was at my 6 year old niece's first singing recital and I was missing it.  That's what you get when you move 1500 miles away.  You get a lump in your throat, tears on your plastic teacup lid, and a whiteout that lands you in retail therapy.  Niiiiice.

So there I was:  hand absentmindedly skimming the racks, humming Butterfly Fly Away, when out of the corner of my eye I spotted a frayed hem.  Now if you know me you know I'm all about a good pair of jeans.  I'm not biased.  I'll find them at the flea market, the boyfriend's floor or a sample sale.  Just hand over the denim and no one will get hurt.  Next thing I know, despite not realllllly needing another pair, I find myself in the fitting room discussing the pros and cons of a pretty ridiculously cool pair of bells.

Pros:  faded wash, perfectly frayed uneven hems, high waist, worn holes in all the right places
Cons: little tight in the upper leg, maybe a tiny bit too long
Summary:  a few stretches in the fitting room at the advice of my fave shopgirl and sold! now contemplating another pair one size up to hem and wear with cowboy boots.

They're keepers. Examine the evidence:
~Details: Tucker-Tunic, Free People-Denim or here, Foley+Corinna-Bag, Anthro-Sunglasses~
Back hem details:  aged to perfection.
 Fit right over the much needed platform, but I'm only 5'3'' so if you're taller they might be just right.

Let me know if you have them, get them, or own a similar pair. Would love to see how you're wearing them!

Tuesday, February 7, 2012

The Bachelor Recap: B+C = I Need Therapy

This week people visited le blog via the following searches:
  • ben flajnik douchebag
  • ben flajnik geico caveman
  • blakeley low cut boobs
  • i hate the ben on the bachelorr hes a pig (verbatim)
  • ben flajnik is a ugly nerd who goes for the fake girls
  • does ben flajnik wear a hairpiece?
  • ben flajnik is a bad kisser
  • ben flajnik idiot
And my personal favorite:
  • en flajnik
I have to say I concur on all fronts and would add:
-ben flajnik serial kisser
-courtney cheap ho

Let's get going on the recap where all these points and more were validated. I don't know about you, but I thought this episode could best be summed up by 'snoozefest'.

For this round, Ben and co are in Panama City, Panama. The girls get to the Trump hotel,oooh and ahhh and Courtney immediately tells the camera she's hoping to get in a bit more skinny dipping. Yep, she's still back on that, I'm sure Ben and his hair are too. Ben shows up announcing there will be a one on one, a group date and a two on one date. Blakeley rambles on about neeeeeeding that one on one, but it goes to Kacie B. while Courtney and her twitchy mouth hope he sends her home. G'luck with that one honey.
A helicopter picks up Ben and Kacie, she's trying to just enjoy sitting there holding his hand (lose the junior high moves girlie you got a ho in the house) and he's hoping they have enough to talk about. Whatev. As if he's interested in talking to anyone after bumping up against Courtney's lady bits. And yes I just went there, but only because they did first. Back to scene Kacie and Ben land on a deserted island. It hits her: it's just the two of them (uh and a camera crew). They each bring three things: she a monkey(?), a corkscrew w/a useless knife, and a bag of candy. He a machete, a fishing net and some matches. They spend the day with her clinging to his side as he hacks away at a bunch of coconuts, gathering twigs and such for a fire, and haphazardly flinging a net around in the ocean.

Suddenly they're drinking champagne?
That wasn't one of the 3 things. Yawwwwwn. 

All I'm thinking is she's not ripping her clothes off in or out of the ocean so he's probably thinking about her ho-ness Trashney. You  know I'm right.
hookers belong together

The date was a brother/sister snoozer. Cut to evening and poor Kacie B's got one of Ashley Bachelorette's t-shirts posing as a dress on. Ben wants serious conversation, she wants to get to the day to day grocery store runs. Girl you better knock that off. Next thing you know she spills the serious beans and reveals that her level of maturity comes from being a former bulimic/anorexic. I actually don't know if you ever fully recover from that or if it's like alcoholism, so pardon me if 'former' is incorrect. This is heavy. He calls her a brave girl. He gives her a rose, but he's checked out. There's no fire here after ocean explorations last week.

In the meantime the two on one date card shows up and it's Rachel and Blakeley. Blakeley thinks this is the best thing ever and won't stop yammering on about how she's gonna shine y'all! Think deer in the headlights. Snap to lady! One of you is going home and not even your boobs can stop it. Duh! Meanwhile Rachel wigs out and curls up in a semi-fetal. No one needs to tell her what time it is.

First it's the group date: Ben takes them into the rainforest in his boat while Courtney screams 'I'm sooooo wet!'. Seriously. I couldn't even make this sh*t up. Next thing you know they see some kids in loincloths playing soccer, so naturally dock the boat and go into their village where they get dragged off to put on traditional tribal gear. All the girls keep their bikini tops and bottoms on beneath their next to nothing beaded bra tops and fabric wrap bottoms, but not Courtney! She has her boobs hanging out and her skirt flying off. Yep, she a ho and Ben's all over it in his loincloth. They do some body painting, she writes b+c=heart like a 2nd grader, and all the others sit there watching the two of them together. Hello ya morons! Are you on this date?! Next thing you know they all dance around with the kids except b+c who shake their groove thing together while she waves her stuff in his face as the camera blacks out her nudity. Pride is dead.
Later in the evening he pulls Lindzi aside for some smooching, Courtney for some of her whining, dropping of her hotel room number (yes she did), and fake playing it needy to try for the rose. No dice. Jamie rears her ugly head as a babbling fool while Courtney shows up in her bikini frolicking in the pool behind them. You'd think this would wake Ben up, but nope he tells the camera he can't focus on Jamie with Trashney in her bikini, thereby proving he's a hormonal twit. Ick. Emily managed to squeeze in a minute where she doesn't mention Trashney. Trying to keep the others off his Courtney trail, Ben gives Lyndzi the rose while Courtney's mouth twitches in the wind and preps for a knock on her door that never occurs. This was the highlight: her rambling on about how men only appreciate her for a short time then disappoint her. Hel-lo honey! Take a clue!! Ben? Ben's mom? You watching??

On the two on one, that Blakeley is convinced she's got in the bag, they do some salsa dancing. The ladies take turns dancing with Ben and they all suck at it. Blakeley turns on the stripper moves, tosses her hair around, tries to stare deeply into his uninterested eyes, wraps her leg around him and does her best to rub up against all of his parts. And I mean all.
exhibit: desperation

Ben and his hair are into it while Rachel twists away in the corner. Cut to evening: both girls have Ashley's former costumes on: shirts barely covering their *sses. Blakeley starts fake crying/playing it up for that rose and shows Ben a third grade level scrapbook of their journey thus far. You know the non-existent one.
exhibit: coloring book

Despite pulling out every desperate move including baby voice, croc tears and ass flashes, Blakely bites it when Ben takes his life in his own hands awarding the rose to Rachel. Blakeley stomps out turning to crazily sob and cling to him at the vehicle before Ben shrugs her off and thanks the heavens he's one step closer to Courtney. Yawn. Somewhere in the distance yet another purple suitcase is wheeled off into the distance.

Before the rose ceremony, to fill the two hour time slot, Chris Harrison shows up confronting Casey S. about her boyfriend back home. First she denies it. Then she says she can't be with Michael anyway because he won't marry her. Then she says she needs therapy. I think I need therapy after being subjected to this scripted mess. This chick has been filler since day one. No chemistry with Ben. Not ever. Harrison drags her, in her bare feet, to Ben's room where she spills the beans. He chastises her for not being honest--hello skinny dipping hypocrite pot meet kettle--and snips her. She hysterically hangs on Harrison, bawling/semi-screeching in the hallway before being led away to a mini-van, still sans shoes, where she cries at a high pitch all the way back to the US. I can't help it: I laughed my head off.

Examine this goodness:

At the final cocktail party Ben encourages them to all be open and honest with him because he wants to have open lines of communication with each of them?  AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!

Nicki rambles on about how this is the real deal while Ben's eyes glaze over.  Why is she even here? Jamie monopolizes Ben's time in the most awkward Bachelor moment ever. She knows it's do or die time so takes matters into her own hands, tries to be all se-xay and confident woman, talks about how she thinks about him at night (cringe), and attempts to straddle him in her short tight dress (fail) and make out. When that fails--because she's sloppy drunk, giggling like a 12 year old, and out of character--she proceeds to tell him how they need to first kiss closed mouthed and then work into open mouth maneuvers. It's so painful I fast forward to Ben basically saying, 'uh no way ya weirdo!'

 First! He doesn't want to kiss someone!

At the rose ceremony Jamie gets the snip. And cries? Why?? No chemistry. Ever!


Monday, February 6, 2012

Free People: February Favorites

When I opened my email on Friday there was a sneak peek at Free People's February Catalogue waiting.  Yowsa.  Sometimes it's do or die time when those things roll in.  There are always one or two things in the sneak that really get in me ol' brains and refuse to exit, so after performing due diligence (aka clicking, walking away, clicking again, forcing myself to wait through a conference call to see if I reeeeally wanted it) I jumped off and got this little number:

Uh, hello.  
Really hope you fit so I can wear you with suede knee high boots. scheduled for tomorrow.

The entire catalogue was up this morning and after a run through I'm in total heaven.  There's a festival feel, a Nancy Sinatra vibe and a total throwback to 70's style vintage denim.  All you BodyCon lovers are gonna wig out too--great pieces interspersed throughout.  Some of my faves:

Loving the entire look from head to toe, but the jeans in particular are just killing it:
the drape, high waist and zippered pockets are TDF.
Totally just spoke in code like the kids on Sleepless in Seattle.
The top, the shorts, the hair:  I'll take one of each.
Some people might not warm up to the skirt, but as a child of the 70's
I've got to say this one is going to be tough to resist.
That pieced together denim? I SWEAR my cousin had one of those...
and my 5 year old self really wanted it proving I was born with hippie tendencies.
Calling all skinny girls.
Where do I sign? Ex off the neon and I'm in.  
That patched up denim shirt is gonna be mine.

Prepare for greatness and check out the rest of the catalogue here.

Friday, February 3, 2012

Bird on the Ledge

I never considered myself much of a daredevil.

Nope.  Growing up I listened to the teacher, always completed my homework without being asked to do so, was home by curfew (except once or twice), and stayed in the crosswalk.  To this day I am still too nervous to jaywalk for fear of a police officer catching me and administering a verbal rip in front of a bunch of nosy onlookers.

Confessions of a self-professed hallway monitor turned free bird (in the latter years).

So a couple weeks ago when we were on our way home from the blessed flea market aka home of the Tori Spelling sighting and the Chef pulled into a parking lot with a sign that basically said if you're not the owner and don't have permission you'd best frig off, I contemplated having a breakdown.

Him:  Just get out. We'll get a few pictures and leave.
Me:  What if someone calls the police?
Him: By the time the police got here we'd be gone and the police do not care about us. *eye roll*
Me: What if the owner's here and yells at us? (as he walks across the parking lot and I holler out the window)
Him: Dude. It's Sunday. The owner is not here.
Me: That guy over there is waving to us. Maybe he's the owner.
Him: That guy over there is saying get out of the car and don't be a wuss. So don't be a wuss.

Fine. Rule breaker in the house. Nerd version 2012.

Happy to report no one called the po-po on us and I was back in the car within 5 minutes.  Word.
Mild look of panic as waving guy continues waving.  
Maybe it is the owner? (gulp)
Composure close-up minus feet?
Feet adorned in fave go-to Joie Booties tracked down at 50% off, last pair in the US at Saks.
Never, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever give up.
Unless you've jaywalked and are in the wrong.  
Then just take a verbal lashing and apologize quietly at the end.
Mop needs a cut. 
Outfit: Old Navy-Sweater, AE-Belt, Current/Elliott-Jeans, Joie-Booties, Anthro-Sunnies
Nothing new here.  Basically just more fave basics.

Here's hoping the weekend is kind to you. I've been in the hole this week with some sort of stomach bug and a sh*tload of work.  Not the best combo, but I'm still alive so no complaints here.  After all I'm not caught like a deer in the headlights outside the crosswalk or facedown on the pavement in cuffs. Perspective people, perspective.


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