Tuesday, January 31, 2012

Ben Flajnik: Is a Pig

I'm live and coming at you from the horizontal because the flu has struck. Somehow around 8:15 or so I woke up and turned on the tv to see what debauchery was taking place on The Bachelor. I should have just shut my eyes and went back to sleep.

Ben Flajnik and The Bachelor franchise reached, in my opinion, an all time low tonight when he sent a girl packing after a one on one date only to moments later get naked and jump in the ocean with that cuckoo bird Courtney.

Here's some of what went on this episode. I was too out of it to type play by play, and am so repulsed by Ben Flajnik that I can't even remember half of what I was going to say.

I started watching near the end of his one-on-one date with Nicki. She's the one who was married before and basically when it got tough bailed to look for "her second chance at true love". She is a total deer in the headlights and it was obvious to me, as she explained to Ben in a very loose yet revealing way how her first marriage fell apart, that Ben is not buying it. He even asks her point blank if they tried to work it out in couples counseling, to which she responds vaguely 'uh yeah but not for all that long but long enough so I'm ready for my second chance at having those butterflies'.

yep there she is in the brown hair gettin' her groove on casey anthony style. 

Honey please. Marriage is not about butterflies. Hell, long term relationships period are not about giddy high school feelings. She is so clueless and annoying I want to send her packing myself. What does he do? You guessed it: jumps on her face and gives her a rose. It's a mercy one. You see it every season. It's one he can easily snip later with zero regret. Sounds harsh, but is totally true. She'll never see it coming and bawl like a lunatic in the end.

Next it's a group date. They were all peeing their pants about who was getting the last one-on-one. The scheduled date not the rank a**, std-laden, unscheduled dip in the ocean thing. Anyway, Blakely is going nuts because she wants alone time. Last we saw her she was curled up in the fetal in the luggage room doing crazy and desperate with remarkable ease.
Not to be outdone by last time she loses her beans when Elyse gets the date. Elyse the 24 year old who has an orange glow from the tanning bed and can't stop saying like. Like, like, like.  *pass the meds*
poor thing

Anyway on the group date the women (plus Courtney the ho) get divided into two teams to play baseball. Only one team will get an evening beach date with Ben. Courtney and Blakely each pick teams like elementary school intramurals, only these broads mean business.
defeat is an ugly thing. 
if only they knew how many std's they saved themselves from.

I only remember Kacie B on Courtney's team. Blakely had Jennifer and Emily and someone else. Lyndzi the horse aficionado played both sides and automatically got the beach date. Whatev. Irrelevant. They battle to the finish, Courtney's team flies off in a helicopter after Jen strikes out and the others cry all the way home on the bus. At the group date Ben gives Kacie the rose, Courtney is worried about that so pulls him aside wearing some dress displaying zero undergarments and suggests skinny dipping like the true hooker she is. He's clearly interested but fights her off.  Not for long though.  Pardon me while I gag.

Next day he takes Elyse and her tan out on a yacht, they spend the day jumping off the side and she tells him at 24 she's done all she wanted to do and now just wants to get married. He's all, uh, what's everything? Yes personal trainer lady. Define everything. Definition: bachelor's degree, master's degree, moved to Florida. At this point I'm shaking my head. She keeps saying like like every other like word and is like spun on Ben. She can't stop blathering on about marriage, wants to be engaged, married, ready to like be married and is so like sick of being like single. Cut to dinner on the beach where he snips her at the table while waving the rose in her face leading her to believe she was getting it.
you're better off girlfriend.  

Uh Ben? Remember when Ashley left you down there on one knee? Uh yeah ya moron. Further, nice sending her off in the same dinghy you rode out on last year, ya classless tool.

Less than ten minutes later the baggage handler carts Elyse's purple bag away while equally classless (to Ben) Courtney cackles away in the corner calling her Jersey Shore. She is just a nasty wench. Two seconds later she puts her trash bag plan into action and rolls over to Ben's room in her underwear and a robe carrying a bottle of wine and two glasses. He comes strolling up in a pair of whack tux pants rolled to the knee and, of course, invites her in displaying zero manners and tact yet again. He just snipped someone 5 minutes ago AND supposedly is on his journey to find love amongst a bunch of women! No. He's a pig looking for a hooker. And he found her, too.
look at these slut dogs. 

Because next thing you know he's on the beach with Trashney where they strip their clothes off and go running into the water groping and hanging all over each other. Try and tell me they didn't do the deed? Go ahead and try, but you're nuts if you think it didn't go down. He's a slime bag who has never gotten play from an ugly or pretty fake model in his life. He is completely useless and a juvenile. In the slightest off chance he did pick anyone else, that woman had better dump.him.NOW. I'm so pissed and disgusted with producers for even letting this crap go down without alerting that kook Blakely. At least let that bag of bones Courtney get her hair ripped out.  Damn. Give us something.

At the final cocktail party Ben is out of sorts and claims to feel like a swine because he and Trashney had an 'intimate moment'. Intimate? Try nauseating, ya butthole. Anyway he has a little conversation with Jennifer from last weeks cavern drop date. You remember her, right? The one he called 'the best kisser'. He also talks to spin job Emily who still can't stop whining about Courtney despite claiming she's sorry she brought her up. And in the ultimate act of assery (new word I've been using when describing Ben Flajnik) he gets defensive and tells her to 'watch herself' because she has no idea what goes on in his 'intimate moments' with other women. Ooooh scary words there bachelor man. Whoop-de-do to you and your empty threats.  True dat ya swine herder! And if she did know she may have kicked you in the nuts and exited like any self-respecting woman would have.

Despite all this, who does he snip in the end? JENNIFER.

The best kisser. The one he just finished kissing some more a few minutes earlier. The one who must have had a TON of wine because she cried so hard she could barely talk and looked mildly dazed in the back of the jeep.
I hope she's laughing her a** off tonight after watching his private water party with trashney.

Oh! And does he tell on himself for being a sicko with Trashney? Nope. That's their dirty little secret. They are DISGUSTING!!

Ben Flajnik is a pig. So is Courtney Trashney, but we already knew that.  She a ho!

He is not interested in a real relationship or finding 'the sacred one' -- I mean of course not he's on this stupid show, right? No, this toolkit is interested in one thing and one thing only: jumping on as many chicks as possible. Chicks he would never otherwise get access to. Him and his bad hair.

He deserves that wingnut Trashney.

I believe douchebag Jason Melnick may have to step off his throne as most despised bachelor in franchise history. We've got a new one on the way...hope he sees a doctor for an STD check.  I bet more than one of them is in dire need.  *shudder*

Monday, January 30, 2012

Gone But Not Forgotten

This weekend whilst licking my wounds from a lost eBay bidding war, I stumbled across the above.
For giddy purposes let's just refer to it as PURE GOLD.
In a frenzy of epic proportions I got swept out to sea calling the Chef (like he could care?)
and my mom who helped me curate a rather sizable Barbie collection back in the 70's. 

And then I forgot to swoop back over and bid.
Two epic losses in one weekend.
No wonder I've come down with the flu.

Dear 70's Disco Ken with Fringe: someday we will find one another.
Until then, stay strong.

Tuesday, January 24, 2012

Jason Wu x Target: The Cat Got Me

As you well know I have approximately zero love in my heart for Target after that Missoni debacle when I got up at 1:30 in the morning only to have my bike and blanket be snatched out of my online cart when the site crashed and customer service, who could see the contents of my online cart, refused to cash me out thereby dashing my dreams of pedaling around in style with a zigzag blanket in my basket.

Even after I waited on the phone to speak with Target's 'customer *cough* service' for TWO HOURS.

Target:  Oh yes I see the contents of your cart right here.  

Me:  Okay well I have my credit card ready.

Target: Oh I can't cash you out from here.  You'll have to wait in line with everyone else.

Me: Pause.

But I have been waiting in line with everyone else and I AM waiting in line with everyone else.  It's called going to the line that's available. Isn't that you?

Target:  Oh I'm sorry.  I can't help you complete your transaction.

Me:  Blackout

Seriously.  I can't recall anything after that.  I came to with the phone in pieces all over the room (kidding on this part), zero contents in my online cart and dreams of my Missoni bike and blanket dashed in shreds.

And don't even get me started on the in-store soccer mom ill behavior experience.

I wasn't even contemplating LOOKING at Jason Wu's line.  Couldn't give a rat's *ss as a matter of fact.  And then they had to go and get dirty and use a CAT (my ultimate weakness) in the ad?

Really? REALLY??

I want the t-shirt.  Can anyone DIY one for me? Jason Wu??

I'll pay someone to go to the store on my behalf.  I will not be overcome.

You hear me Target?

Unless you have my Missoni bike.  Then we can begin negotiating my return to your establishment.

Everyone's got a price. Mine starts with c-a-t.

The Bachelor Recap: Hide the Razors or Your Eyebrows Might Get Shaved Off

Last week I swore to myself that these Bachelor recaps were over. The humiliating behavior of the women coupled with Ben's inability to keep his tongue in his mouth was about enough for me. And then there's that whole needing my brains for work thing...

But then the person who typed 'Ben Flajnik idiot' into a search engine and ended up on my blog left a comment stating he and his wife got a chuckle out of recap 1 and, well, I'VE CAVED yet again. But I'm doing the briefest of brief recaps (for me anyway) so as to preserve my thinking skills -- and hopefully yours, too. So here we go off to Utah.  Buckle up.

Kacie B. wanted the first date, but Rachel got it so Kacie cried and cried and cried some more wishing it was all over so she and Ben could just get to the grocery store and be normal. Well now, I do believe we may have a JP on our hands. Only I fear this one isn't going to end so well because spoilers SWEAR he's picked that lunatic Courtney.

She's going to lose it when he snips her.

And may I just ask the obvious? Why do these women get SO WOUND UP over a guy who's kissing everyone and loving every minute of being a swine? Why?? Have they not watched previous seasons? *pass the pills*

As the first date kicks off they're all jealous as Ben and Rachel take to the skies in a helicopter. She's feeling pressure with the rose on the line but is just going to go with it; he likes these more low-key dates where they can just talk and get to know one another. Cut to scene where they land in a big field, get into a rowboat, paddle to the middle of the lake and he immediately jumps on her face.

Getting to know each other, huh Ben? Blech. It's gonna be a long night.

Summary: she's freaked out at the whole first date thing, there's no flow in conversation, and it's downright awkward. They notice a beaver dam and talk crow's feet. *cue crickets* Cut to night and it's dinner in the enchanted forest. He doesn't want to give up. On what we're not sure. Stilted conversation continues and I'm thinking it's snip time when he offers her the rose. Of course he does: he says he likes kissing her as the camera shows them feeding each other s'mores off pointy sticks while I contemplate pouring out a shot of vodka to add some excitement to my evening.

Meanwhile back at the house the group date is announced while hearts shatter around the room: Jamie, Kacie S., Blakeley (plz say she's going to keep the twins covered this time because I'm all out of retinal bleach), Lyndzi, Samantha, Nicki, Kacie B (who immediately guzzles her wine at the thought of yet another group date) and Courtney who promptly goes into hag mode. All the girls, espesh Emily think Court's gonna suck it on the group date with her witchy attitude so Ben will finally see who she really is.

Ever heard the expression 'cats in a bag'? 
That's what these women are.
*hiss scratch hiss*
no offense to beloved cats everywhere.

News flash: Ben doesn't care if Courtney's a crazy b*tch. She's a skinny wannabe model and that's as close as he's ever gonna get to one so she's in first place y'all!! Wakey wakey, ladies. It's time for what we here at the Bird call a reality check and I'm giving this one out for free: guys like Ben don't care if a woman is nice or not.

Summary: Ben rides up on a horse he can barely control. Lyndzi? You there? They all get on horses and talk about amazing, Ben's hair, Ben on a horse.

Next thing you know it's fly fishing time at the crick where Courtney flings line around looking to hook someone's eyeball. She knows Kacie B is her only competition so drags Ben off for fish time. He is so dumb he falls for it. It's actually tragic how clueless he is. When Courtney catches the first fish they all go ballistic. Uh-oh. Once liquor gets flowing this is gonna get ugly. As night falls Courtney is referring to it as 'her date with Ben' *cuckoo cuckoo*. They all start fighting over him and Samantha confesses to the camera she feels like she should have Ben's ring on her finger. During their alone time she proceeds to bitch him out for not giving her a one-on-one date, like what is he thinking *valley girl voice* and what's the point of group dates anyway??
Ben takes this as his cue and snips her on.the.spot.(not nicely either). 

Ten seconds later he recovers and hauls Kacie B off for a makeout session leading her to believe she's going straight to the finish line (uh-oh). Courtney takes matters into her own hands and predictably gets into her bathing suit (yawn). She plays the dumb little girl, he eats it up, she fakes like she's having a hard time and can't take it anymore in order get the rose (wake up Ben!!) and like the dumb tool he is gives her the rose. What a frickin' duh head.
I hope he feels like a real moron right now because Courtney has made a colossal ass out of him on national television. I want to slap him myself.

One-on-one: Jennifer.

She is super excited and off they go hiking to a crater where he informs her they are going to hang and drop 300 ft into a hole whilst wearing bathing suits. I would have peed my pants. Thankfully she didn't. In the evening he says he likes her. She's a good kisser from a good family. Seriously.  This is how he describe/qualifies them.  It pours rain on their date and he gives her the rose despite telling her he wasn't originally sure he would. To finish the date he takes her to a Clay Walker (no clue who he is) concert and the two of them cut a rug amongst a sea of beaming females staring them down. Now Ben thinks she could be the one. Sorry Kacie B. And Courtney. And everyone else he's kissing. Poor Jennifer.  She's too good for him.

At the cocktail party Emily is in a full-on tailspin over Courtney being a biznatch. Emily is so worked up over Courtney being a snag that she loses her beans and tattles to Ben who tells her to drop it or it will be her demise. Worse yet she then tells Courtney's one friend (who has no brains), Casey. Aaaaand it's on like donkey kong as Casey runs straight to Courtney and tells on her. Courtney in truly certifiable form, "wants to rip her head off and verbally assault her or shave her eyebrows off in the middle of the night." Yes. She said that on camera.
Get a load of this nutcase.

Ben's mom and sis? You out there? How you feeling about those spoilers? Open another bottle of wine.

In true form Courtney goes nuts -- because she is -- while Emily realizes 'hmmmmm. Maybe I shouldn't have said anything.' But Ben gives her one last chance and snips Monica, who weeps over lost love and claims this is the worst thing feeling she's ever had, instead.

At this point I feel like Bachelor producers have set this up. Maybe Ben's going to pick Courtney per script, realize after viewing he should have picked Kacie B and change his mind. Please say its true. Please! That broad is a total psycho. And in classless form he skinny dips with her next week. Pride is dead.

I mean how could he even pick anyone else after behavior like that?  More importantly why would anyone even want him?  What a pig.  And he can't even see when he's being worked over by a crazy bird with a whacked out, over botox'd mouth. Duh!

Monday, January 23, 2012

It's All in the Recovery

On Sunday afternoon I pulled myself out of a funk of epic proportions, wrapped myself in my technicolor dreamcoat, and ventured out of the house.

More often than not I spend a good deal of the week wishing I could be outside to get just a little fresh air, and then when the weekend comes I'm so exhausted and the place is such a wreck all I want to do is sleep and clean.  Neither of those two things occur outdoors, by the way.  Another reason to justify life in a teepee.  And now you know why I mentioned thinking about a maid, maid, maid in Friday's post.

Who's with me?  (and yes I may or may not be mildly whining but am almost over it due to grateful to have work at all)

But what if they don't get in the corners like we do?  What if there's dust left over? And what if our hand wash only items accidentally get tossed in the washing machine? (first world pains) Sometimes I'm my own worst enemy.  I'm damned if I do and damned if I don't so I just get stuck at a standstill and do nothing.  Damn you nothing!  You're of no use to me!!

So I said to myself on Sunday, 'Today you are getting out of this house.  Do not look at the computer.  Do not trip in that pile of laundry.  Turn your head away from the chair filled with need-to-be-folded clothing and for the love of God do not sit down in front of the television or it's going to be lights out on the ID Channel.'

*As I was giving myself this pep talk a high priority work email came through *the dreaded BING* and I had to work. Thereby defeating my moments earlier pep talk of not looking at the computer, but when you love what you do you do what you have to do.  And in the end it's not all that bad except when the next day is Monday and it feels like Friday is prettttty darn far away.*

This was the weekend of approximately 14 non-working hours.  During which time I washed a load of laundry, still don't know if it's in the dryer, and briefly escaped the maison with the Chef in order to get some sun on my face and slurp back a margarita just in time for Monday to chase me down.

This is life.  The big ol' hamster wheel.  Cling to the sides before retirement's here and all you have left to your name is three cents and an amazing fringy sweater.  See if you want to live in teepee then.  Not likely.
~Free People-Technicolor Dreamcoat, Free People-Webs We Weave T, Hudson-Bells, 
Banana Republic-Suede Boots, Vintage-Turquoise Bracelet, Anthro-Sunglasses~
My own form is comprised of fringe with a side of turquoise and cats (not pictured here).
AKA security blanket.
These are a few of my favorite things (can you hear the tune?)

Cut to twelve hours later and we're in a torrential downpour.  Upside? I don't wanna go outside now.  Ha! Take that between the eyes Monday!

Friday, January 20, 2012

I Rest My Case

I just came across this Rory Beca ad and couldn't help grinning at the caption.

Sometimes you put things out into the universe and 
the universe answers back with firm 'Hell yeah!'

Have a great weekend, everyone!

Thursday, January 19, 2012

Confessions of a Truth Teller

In case you haven't noticed I've been MIA this week due to this thing we here at the Bird call - 'A helluva lot of work because love don't pay the bills.'  During this time I received emails from a few entities (much like I'm sure you received) asking me to share their information on my blog.  I declined and one, in particular, really did not like it--despite my repeated attempts to explain that the content did not match my blog and would, therefore, not make sense here.  

Let's take a moment and examine some of the things I usually talk about:  my cats, cookies, gluten-free experiments, the chef, hippies, my spirited neighbors, that time I saw the Mary Kay pink Cadillac, the occasional pair of shoes, summer breezes, fringe and a good pair of jeans.  

Oh, and margaritas and how it would be nice if I could get a maid once a month.  (That last part has been on my mind a lot this week).  

I've employed the blanket effect above, but you get where I'm coming from.  In that spirit I have opted to stick to content that the 5 or 10 of you who are left have come to expect and anticipate.  Interesting, edge of your seat type content.  The stuff that, say, a three car garage waiting to be filled is made of.  Case in point: 

All of it, except the man, should be strewn across my living room right now.
Teepee lover in the house. White cowboy boot fanatic on the rise.
Blanket's cousins.
More of Blanket's relatives. 
These croc bar stools I contemplated purchasing before the Chef
shook me out of 'the flea market fuzz' clouding my judgment.

I am not for sale but, moreover, my blog is not a place where I just slap up any old thing because someone would like me to or thinks it would be good content.  That's my call and it's not being rude, it is being honest.  Now if a turquoise dealer wanted to send me some items THAT would make sense because I wear turquoise.  And if a gluten-free company wanted me to sample their flour mix THAT would make sense because I cook and bake gluten-free.  Or if someone wanted me to share info on how to integrate feral cats into their home THAT would make sense because I have done it.  

And that's all I have to say about that.  

Tuesday, January 17, 2012

It's a Bird! It's a Plane! It's Donna Martin?

This weekend I intended to do three things:

1. Sleep
2. Clean
3. Rinse and repeat

Here's what I actually accomplished: sleep, watch 7 consecutive hours of the ID channel (Dateline lover's dream), almost pass out in the bathroom from the wicked second hand maryjane smoke wafting up from the downstairs neighbors, hit the jackpot at the local flea market and SEE TORI SPELLING.

Yes, friends, I saw Tori Spelling. Up close. And Liam, Stella, Patsy and James. *dies*

As a former diehard lover of the original 90210 (I answered and immediately clicked if you dared call during that sacred weekly hour), and a fan of Tori and Dean's reality show this made my day. There we were looking for parking at the flea market.

Me: 'Hey that looks like Tori Spelling.'
Chef: 'I think there's one over there.'
Me:  'Hey! That IS Tori Spelling!!' *bangs on insides of vehicle window as we drive by*
Chef: 'Hey yeah, it is her.'
Me: 'There's Patsy OMG Liam and Stella back this thing up!!!'
Chef: 'You sure about that?' *eyebrows raised and slanted grin* He knows me so well.
Me: 'I love her. Man I love her show. She is so balls out. Did you see that little Liam? Yes I'm sure back this thing up. No don't. These people deserve privacy. Do you think she'll tell me to frig off if I just wheel by and say hi? I can't do that. Douchey move. Seriously dude who am I right now?'
Chef: 'I don't know, but it's kind of hilarious.'
Me: 'Forget it.  I think they're leaving and I don't want to bug them. Do you think I should? No. Don't answer that. Let's go find some goodies.'

Whispers to self: 'Dude. I just saw Donna Martin,' whilst wandering aimlessly toward aisles of jackpot.

Thirty minutes later, up to my elbows in artifacts, bobbleheads and one of a kind vintage finds, I realize she is standing right.next.to.me.

Do I scream, "I love you for fearlessly having children in your 30's and living your own life!!'

Do I shamelessly fling myself at her, administering a hug?? (seriously considered both of these options)

No I do not (this is what we here at the bird refer to as 'the self-control'). Instead I silently side eye her antiquing prowess while her children taunt each other and have a mini slapping match right in front of me. So normal, right?! So me and my brother back in the day, anyway.

Observation: that woman knows her used treasures.

And I'm a freak, although not a completely intrusive one.  I let myself have 2 minutes and then wandered off into a sea of good finds.  Tell you about that part later.

Donna Martin lives! And she's superbly boho, too.  Snapped this from waaaaaay across the parking lot when I thought she was leaving.  No kids.  That's just too much.

Epic moment.

Monday, January 16, 2012

The Bachelor Recap: Get In Your Hearse and Hit the Road

Someone just visited my blog via searching the following words in Google:

Ben Flajnik idiot

Interestingly enough, I'm the one who feels like an idiot during and after watching The Bachelor. My head actually aches at how stupid the women behave, and how the bachelor or bachelorette makes out with everyone. Discretion and decency? Dead.

So here's the thing: I didn't watch the show minute-by-minute this week. I just couldn't do it. Instead it played in the background while I worked and tidied my place up. Here's what I gathered:

-There were some one-on-one dates.
-On a group date a bunch of women who cannot ski proceeded to ski down a street in San Francisco wearing nothing but skimpy bikinis. Humility is dead and an Asian man standing on a corner watching this mess is scarred for life. So am I.
-Granny's girl Britney decided she really wasn't into childish, mean girl games to try and win the heart of a guy who shamelessly kisses everyone. Exit stage left.
-Ben kissed all the girls and displayed his tongue at least twice as I walked by gagging.
-The women squabbled amongst themselves.
-Courtney's still a hag.
-Ben kept kissing girls in plain view of the ones he just finished kissing.
-Ben strikes me as kind of a pig. I used to like him, but now think he's gross.
-Shawntel the Funeral Director showed up for 'a shot at love' because she had met Ben before and they had chemistry.
-Some of them got just smashed and slurred away to the camera and each other during the cocktail party. Eff bombs and foul language were at an all-time high. Keep it classy there 'ladies'.
-They verbally attacked Shawntel. How predictable.
-Jacquelyn bawled her head off during the rose ceremony.
-Erika fainted. Twice.
-Courtney the hag laid a passive aggressive threat on Ben as she fake hesitated to accept his rose.
-Ben showed his true colors by falling prey to her threats and eliminating Shawntel (and the crier and the fainter). Snip, snip, snip. That was to show Courtney he means business! What-ever dude. Get a haircut and keep your tongue in your mouth.

I don't know anything else about the episode and I'm not giving these desperadoes any play by digging up their pictures. I realize it's all in the name of entertainment, but this show is degrading to women. Who in their right mind would want to fight over a guy? Much less a guy who has his tongue down everyone's throat?

Dear Kacie B.: Be grateful he chose Courtney. Keep running and don't look back!!

Wednesday, January 11, 2012

Cave Woman?

Sunday was traumatic:  the tree came down.  And so did half its needles.

However this was also the mark of good things to come since I've always viewed January 2nd as the start of spring. Some call it delusion, I call it survival skills.  I am a denier of the winter weather.  While a warm sweater or jacket is still in rotation it is most often found over a dress of sorts, or perhaps a skinny denim baring the ankles.  For those of you up to your knees in snow, I'm sorry.  I have zero advice having fled that same Canadian scene several years ago.  Turn up the heat and parade around the house in shorts and t with a margarita in hand?  I may or may not have used this as a coping mechanism whilst combating an adverse reaction to snow mold that left me housebound for months.  

Back to Sunday.  It was a glorious afternoon.  The perfect spring day one might say.  Is it appropriate to wear fur in spring?  I don't know, I just did it anyway.  Truth be told it was a little balmy despite being sans sleeves, but I reveled in it.  My poor pale skin sung out beneath the warm rays of the sun while I nestled my head in the needles of the tree (while shielding my eyes) just one last time to breath in its pine goodness.  It's a new day.  Goodbye tree and hello beach.
Thinking bird.
Wrinkled bird.
~outfit details: Anthropologie-Dress, Juicy Couture-Vest (again), Madewell-Boots~
Finally pulled the trigger on these Madewell boots just before Christmas and
want to wear them every day--leggings, shorts, dresses, jeans and even sweats.  
Yes it's true.  Sacrilege has struck.
~Vanessa Mooney-Necklace, Melinda Maria-Ring, Motif 56 and PANYC-Bracelets~
Angry bird?  
The Chef was calling it my cave woman look. 
Within 24 hours he went down like a sack of hammers with the flu. Well now...
Woman kissing the tree goodbye while her boyshort peeks out. 
Yep yep we keep it real over here at the bird, folks.

Tuesday, January 10, 2012

The Bachelor Recap: Prince Pinot, A Stage Five Clinger and a Bunch of Drunk Cats in a Bag

Here we go again with Ben and co. I'm just going to type thoughts live while watching and let it roll. To add insult to injury the Chef's got food poisoning and is in a full-on fever pitch state of ginger ale requests...it's gonna be a long night. At least he'll get to drop 10lbs, I'm going to need a crate of chocolate after this Bachelor mess. You know I'm right.

First off let's discuss: Internet leaks claim Ben chose crazy eyes Courtney the wannabe famous model. I'm gonna view through that lens. If he picks her I'll track him down and splash him with an entire bottle of wine myself. You hear that Ben??

The skies open and Ben's walking his dog in Sonoma waiting for the girls. Side note: the dog is the star. It's a mush moment as we see family pics. It's destroyed when the hos jump out of the car. It's wine time!

First date card goes to Kacie B.
Why do they do this ridiculous hand heart thing? WHY!?!?

Cut to sunset and the claws come out. Courtney's already blathering she hopes big K doesn't come back. Oh yawn Michelle Money. Stuff a sock in it. Ben rolls up in his sawed off truck and it's date time. Ben's going to show her something personal, near and dear to his heart. I'm actually terrified. Please don't let it be a body part. The streets are dead in Sonoma leading me to believe all intelligent people have fled the scene knowing bachelor zombies were on the way. He shows her town hall, they find a piano in some store and tickle the ivories. Two random women wander up the otherwise deserted street and everyone hugs (weird sauce), he and Kacie pick out a bunch of candy, she runs back to the store and grabs a baton unveiling a secret: she used to toss a baton. She thinks the date's going better than imagined. I look up and notice she's blitzed, eyes half open, only one blinking. Ben shares wonderful memories about his dad. She says she's a hopeless romantic and would move anywhere for love. He puts the brakes on and blurts out that he'd need to see the south first. Slow ya roll there lady girl.

Back at the maison the doorbell rings and all the hags scream 'date card' in the shrillest voices you ever did hear. Group date: Britney, Rachel, Jennifer, Blakely, Emily, Jenna, Shawn, Monica, Samantha, Jaime, Nikki and Jacqueline all pretend they're ecstatic to have to share time. Cut to Blakeley bitching about having a group date. She's willing to knock someone out. Uh-oh. All I'm thinking about is the maybe lesbian tryst going on between Blakeley and Monica.
mmmkay? oh what a difference a few days makes.

Over at Kacie and Ben he gives her a rose, they lock lips, he's going to make himself vulnerable with one last surprise: an empty theater and on the screen home movies of her and her fam throughout her childhood. Why is this important? Snooze. Then Ben's family movies pop up. Honestly, it's sad to see the footage of him and his dad. I start crying a little and haven't even had any wine. I feel badly for him. Ben thinks his dad would like Kacie B. She thinks she's found a lifetime of love with Ben. Really? After one date and with a gaggle of hens back in the henhouse? Oh lady. Isn't she the divorcee who's ready to give it another go? Someone help me. Or just help her. There's a long road ahead.

Group date time: he's going to make these women feel a part of this small town community. Blakeley's made sure to have her boobs hanging out as much as possible.
Imagine those things hanging out of a severely low-cut, striped romper 
and you've got what she wore on a group date. In front of children.
Keepin' it classy. 

Monica likes boys all the sudden and she's ready to standout in this playwright thing he's got set up. I'm looking for Jenna: is she taking her pills yet?? The playwrights are a bunch of kids. Loud kids. He wants to see if they like kids. Good thing Courtney's not here or she might eat them live. Jennifer has to act like a weasel, someone else a pig, a dragon, a damsel in distress, Nicki looking for prince charming. Then she did a sexy sprinkler dance. The kids say it all: some of them are better than others. They need to bring it! Blakeley is asked to jog in slo-mo with her boobs. A girl doesn't like her, a boy does. Out do the mouths of babes.

Back at the house, Courtney the bat takes to attacking the horse rider who got the first impression rose. Courtney is one nasty b*tch.

Back at the play, Jenna the relationship blogger is cast as a wizard (she's gonna need some magic to stay in this game), Blakeley's a gingerbread man hooker, everyone's in costume and all of Ben's friends plus half the town are there to see the performance. Bets on guys only remembering Blakeley's boobs. You know she'll try to show them. It's some tale set in bachelorville, Ben is prince Pinot and they all want to kiss him. Monica the maybe lesbian blows off Ben's sheep suit leaving him in a cottonball loincloth. I can't even make this stuff up. He kisses a princess, the town of Sonoma cheers! All the girls want to be with him for life. Of course. Because this would be daily living? The commercials are the best part: Blakeley is termed a stage 5 clinger and the hags all want to rip her a new one. FAST FORWARD!

End of group date: he didn't kiss everyone and the whiners want reparations. Oh shiz. Blakeley can't stop ranting to everyone that she wants that rose!! Sure way to win enemies there ya dingbat. Bens nuts: he thinks she's super grounded and everyone likes her. Duh! He wants to know where she got her style aka boobs from. She's just blessed, she says.  *rolls eyes* Meanwhile in the can Samantha's losing it. She's in the stall and wants to rip Blakeley's head off. It's gonna be eff'd up if Blakeley gets a rose she says, while the camera shows her sitting on the toilet in her dress. Pull yourself together honey. You've got bigger fish to fry *cough crazy Courtney cough*.
No jokes.  This was the scene.

Back at the house it's date card time. Aside: The chef comes out of a trance: how looooong is this on? Me: 5 minutes. And he passes back out. Whew. Courtney's gonna get to spin the bottle with Ben. She makes some snide remark to all of them, balls out, in their faces. That chick put the ug in ugly. Bet he picked her. Troll.

At the group date they're all in the pool (here we go with the pool scenes). Pressure's on. Blakeley's frothing at the mouth watching Ben connect with others. Jennifer gets one on one time with Ben. More kissing in the private pool. She's a goner. He might be a swine. On the couch all the girls think Jennifer might get the rose, Blakeley goes nuts, the Scorpio in her jumps him in another private pool, Jennifer doesn't feel special anymore, crying ensues. Next thing everyone's dried off and Ben awards the rose to the one who made the most of the day and the night and her conversation (ahem) with him: Blakeley pulled the wool over the sheep's eyes. Haha! Jennifer bawls, the girls call Blakely a candystriper hooker, horsey, slut, etc. She calls them all a bunch of bitches. Oh girl. You are gonna go down like a box of rocks when Courtney gets her hands on Ben. Don't shoot your back-ups.

Courtney cray cray.

Ben's back in his sawed off truck to pick up Courtney claiming she's one of the most beautiful women he's ever seen and gosh darn it she's a model y'all. Really dude? You bought that? Note to producers: Ben needs glasses and, I suspect, possibly some brains in the area of character reading. I mean outside the script. Poor dog Scotch has to go on the date. Hope she doesn't eat him. Vampiro lady. Kacie B hopes witch C doesn't come back, thereby echoing the sentiments of all. The dogs on her lap, please don't toss it out Elvira. I notice she's wearing shorts and boots just like Kacie was on her date. Hmmmmmmm. Copycat ho-bag. He takes her into the middle of the forest where they practice dog howls. She's a natural. They picnic by a creek, she claims to have been 'just doing her time' so no dates in a long time. I think it's because of her crazy face and ugly black heart, but that's just me. She meets a lot of people, but no one really, you know. No we don't hag bag. Why don't you fill us in? They smooch (yawn), he's captivated and thinks she's the full package. It's gonna be a long torturous season. Next thing you know they're riding on a tractor in the dark, wandering through a vineyard to dinner, he's wondering if she's too good to be true. Uh hello Ben! That's intuition calling!! She's playing a role and loving the tv exposure, he's babbling like a schoolboy when it hits me: he's Ashley bachelorette. She tells some lies about having dated an actor and finding underwear in the bed. Playing the role of the wounded dater. Grossfest as he eats it up bestowing a rose on her. Barf. Immediately she's blathering to the camera about the other girls should look out. If he did pick her I bet he's peeing his pants at what his mother's gonna say right about now.


In the house it's cocktail party/elimination time. Ben pulls first impression rose horsey aside to begin with. She's country. She's safe. He rolls back in and pulls Samantha from the bathroom stall aside. Blakeley goes on and on to all the girls about doing what she needs to do to get that rose. Shoots self in foot. Samantha blabs on for two seconds when suddenly Blakeley rolls in to steal the show. Hoo-ker has a rose already! Pride is dead. This has turned into the Blakeley steals all the alone time show while cray cray Courtney laughs maniacally in the corner. Girls in a heap, someone calls Blakeley a stage 5 clinger, they're ready to smack her down. Crazy Jenna gets one on one and almost lights a fire tossing a blanket on a candle. She's a bag of nerves and it's biz-arre. Calls herself a guy amongst girls because she's not, like a girl. Oh and she's drunk AGAIN. Slurs and all. Starts bawling, finds her way to a bed, lays down and bawls her head off. Uh, lay off the drinks much? Everyones back to ragging on Blakeley and her horse face, Courtney gathers intel, Blakeley finds the corner of the luggage room, gets in the fetal and starts snotting for attention. Ben finds her (as planned I'm sure) and tells her to collect herself. Good luck with that buddy. On his way back to the sitting room he finds Jenna wailing in bed. It's just too good. I mean these messes are in the dictionary next to drunk and wrecked.

Eliminations (as Jenna crumbles): Shawna and crazy Jenna who insanely enough is in shock. She is out of her damn mind and thinks it's not really happening. Someone call for the straitjacket.
this was from the first night, but good enough. mess on the right.
wish i had video of her slurring.  

Next stop: San Francisco. Some mystery chick shows up, a bunch more bawling, and one of the broads faints. Good times.

Chef's summary: does this guy saying anything other than 'in Sonoma'?? What is he? A walking commercial for grapes? Ugghhh!!! Yep, that sums it up.

Monday, January 9, 2012

It's a Garfield vs. Odie World

On Saturday morning I was lying in bed doing that thing sane people do on Saturday mornings (sleep), when I was disturbed from the ultimate slumber by the annoying maniacal laughter of the downstairs neighbors.  Within moments the guffaws made way out their backdoor *SLAM! cue windows rattling*, and  up the stairs *thud thud thud thud thud thud* onto the deck that resides just outside my bedroom where they got louder and louder and louder until I stomped into the bathroom that overlooked their joyous *dripping with sarcasm* scene and slammed it shut with all my might.

Did this cause them to skip a beat?  Only one.  They then proceeded, at 9am, to scream with laughter while more and more of their friends arrived on the scene causing me to wonder aloud, 'Are these people mental in the head?' And yes I did scream it out loud from my bed.

As I laid there in my once peaceful haven trying to keep from lighting on fire due to spontaneous combustion it hit me:  It's a Garfield vs. Odie world and I'm in the presence of a bunch of frickin' Odies. They, in fact, own an Odie and that in and of itself should have told me what I was up against.

The Odies of the world are annoying barkers.  Bright-eyed and bushy-tailed from sun up 'til sun down, they are oblivious to others even though they bloody well know what's going on.  They bound around, feigning clueless to use it to their advantage, thinking everyone is on their insane planet of frenetic energy.  Due to the sheeple of the world they are usually hailed as wonderful when, in fact, they are nothing more than quintessential butt kissers.  In true Garfield form I would like to swipe these types from my table, relegating them to the backyard...of a neighboring city.  That I would never visit.

I am a Garfield:  I want peace, quiet, lasagna, death to Mondays, long naps on Saturdays (and all days schedule permitting).  A realist (Odies call it a pessimist, but FYI reality is what it actually is), a thinker, an easer into each day, a gazer out the window of life, spurring into action only when action is called for (intentional living).  I will not scream on your Saturday mornings, stomp up and down the steps outside your window, let my cats barf on your front porch (even if Odies live there), hammer pictures into the wall at 10:30pm, open and close the garage door 18x at 6am, assume your living space as my own, or smoke 14000 cigarettes every morning in the bedroom below yours.  I just won't.  Because I'm Garfield.  And all I want is serenity and a snack.

Rant over and out.

Thursday, January 5, 2012

Denial. Take Me Back.

~Okay so the most crazy a** thing just happened. I was glancing over the stats page and notice a bunch of hits coming off eBay.  I'm all wtf is this about? I'm not selling myself on eBay. Cut to scene and someone linked my sequin pants post for the J.Crew sweater.  Can you imag? I mean shouldn't they send you an email before they put you on blast on eBay?  What if my mom's on there and thinks I'm for sale?  I'm gonna have some 'splainin' to do. ~

Little aside there before I launch off into the reality:  Christmas is over.

You've probably already realized that, but my head's been stuck in the chocolate sand.

I've been sitting here all week trying to maintain a perpetual state of holiday.  Is that you reality?  Uh, I'm not home *she says while eating just one last chocolate*.  Suddenly work hit me like a brick between the eyes.  You mean I can't go meander off all afternoon for lunch, cocktails, mindless shopping that produces bags of treasures I should be giving away but am keeping for myself?  And don't even get me started on how I'm supposed to work my way out of needing an afternoon nap.  After 2 full weeks of afternoon naps I'm a hot mess come 2pm when I can't lie down.

Oh Christmas, come back soon.  *throws self on floor and bawls eyes out*

It was only yesterday:
Gifts wrapped carefully, placed gently beneath the tree.
Daily deliveries from the UPS man.
chocolate. all day long chocolate. 
Christmas morning treats.
Impromptu mid-day margarita pitstops.
And glorious naps with the cat.

Where did it all go?

Wednesday, January 4, 2012

Good Luck With That

Whoever thought this up was gooned out of their mind on chocolate.
Lucky b*tch

*cue the post-Holiday blues aka unhanding the boxes of chocolate*


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